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8ALSIOH  P.  CHASE. 


BENCH  AND  BAR: 

A  COMPLETE  DIGEST  OF  THE 

WIT,  HUMOR,  ASPERITIES,  AND  AMENITIES 
OF  THE  LAW, 

BY  L.  J.  BIGELOW, 


CODNSELLOR-AT-LAW. 


-Jflorttafts  anfc  JHlustratfons. 


NEW    YORK: 
HARPER   &   BROTHERS,    PUBLISHERS, 

FRANKLIN     SQUARE. 
1867. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  one  thousand  eight 
hundred  and  sixty-seven,  by 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Southern  District  of 
New  York. 


D  ED  1C  A  TION. 


TO 

HON.  ROSCOE  CONKLING, 

THE  ACCOMPLISHED  LAWYER, 
FINISHED  ORATOR,  AND  SAGACIOUS  STATESMAN, 

THIS  VOLUME 
IS  RESPECTFULLY  DEDICATED  BY 

THE  AUTHOR. 


•   432625 


PREFACE. 


"  WELL  planned  and  well  written,  the  story  of  the  Great 
Seal  would  be  a  rare  story,"  says  John  Cordy  Jeaffreson 
in  his  delightful  "Book  about  Lawyers."  Thoroughly  col- 
lected and  well  arranged,  thought  I,  the  anecdotes  of  the 
Bench  and  Bar  would  make  a  popular  book,  not  only  with 
lawyers  but  the  general  reader ;  and  this  volume  is  the  re- 
sult of  that  idea.  The  field  was  a  much  wider  one  than  I 
supposed  when  I  began  the  work  of  collection,  but  it  has 
been  faithfully  gleaned ;  and  while  some  may  have  been 
overlooked  which  were  well  worthy  of  preservation,  I  trust 
that  the  best  specimens  of  legal  wit,  humor,  and  incidents 
have  been  gathered  in  the  following  pages. 

L.  J.  B. 

New  York,  1867. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTEE  I. 

ANECDOTES  OF  THE  LORD  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND 15 

CHAPTEK  II. 

ANECDOTES   OF   CELEBRATED  BRITISH   BARRISTERS 75 

CHAPTEK  III. 

THE   CHIEF   JUSTICES   OF   THE    UNITED   STATES 113 

CHAPTER  IV. 

ANECDOTES   OF   DISTINGUISHED   ADVOCATES   OF   THE   UNITED   STATES....    135 

CHAPTER  V. 

ANECDOTES   OF   THE    "WESTERN   BAR1' 271 

CHAPTER  VI. 

MISCELLANEOUS   LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  PUNS,   AND  POEMS 321 

A2 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAGE 

SALMON  P.  CHASE Frontispiece. 

GREAT   SEAL   OP   WILLIAM   THE   CONQUEROR 16 

GREAT   SEAL   OF   THE   COMMONWEALTH 19 

GREAT   SEAL    OF   WILLIAM   AND   MARY 21 

PORTRAIT   OF    SIR   THOMAS   MORE 24 

QUEEN   ELEANOR 29 

LORD   CHELMSFORD 71 

AN   ENGLISH   JUDGE.. 79 

ENGLISH   COUNSELORS 83 

ENGLISH   ATTORNEYS 89 

A   JOHN   BULL  JURY 104 

JOHN  JAY 114 

OLIVER   ELLSWORTH 117 

JOHN   MARSHALL 120 

ROGER    BROOK   TANEY 125 

SALMON  P.  CHASE 128 

EDWARD    EVERETT 140 

HENRY   CLAY 142 

AARON   BURR 144 

JOHN   RANDOLPH 149 

JOHN   VAN   BUREN 161 

DANIEL    WEBSTER 168 

THOMAS    CORWIN , 176 

JOHN   C.  CALHOUN 188 

THOMAS    H.  BENTON * 193 

SARGENT   S.  PRENTISS 202 

A.  OAKEY   HALL 217 

CHARLES   O'CONOR 231 

CHANCELLOR   BIBB..... 236 

JOHN   R.  BRADY 242 

JAMES   T.  BRADY 250 

BENJAMIN   F.  BUTLER...              ..  256 


rf  Cnglani. 


THE  BENCH  AND  THE  BAR, 

CHAPTER  I. 

ANECDOTES  OF  THE   LORD  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND. 

THE  Great  Seal  of  England  is  the  signet  of  the  lord  chan- 
cellor, who  is  the  first  officer  of  state,  being  President  of 
the  House  of  Lords,  and  the  head  of  the  judicial  system  of 
the  kingdom.  Although  English  monarchs  have  usually 
had  but  one  great  seal  at  a  time,  it  has  from  time  immemo- 
rial been  customary  to  speak  of  the  lord  chancellor  or  lord 
keeper  as  holding  "the  seals"  Ambitious  lawyers  are  com- 
monly said  to  be  candidates  for  "  the  seals ;"  and  when  the 
House  of  Lords  receives  a  new  president,  the  fortunate  man 
is  applauded  for  having  won  "  the  seals."  The  term  has 
often  created  in  uninquiring  minds  a  misapprehension  that 
the  chancellor  is  invariably  the  keeper  of  at  least  two  seals: 
and  it  has  even  led  legal  writers  into  mistake.  In  the  in- 
troduction to  his  "  Lives  of  the  Chancellors,"  Lord  Camp- 
bell says:  "In  early  times  the  king  used  occasionally  to 
deliver  to  the  chancellor  several  seals  of  different  materials, 
as  one  of  gold  and  one  of  silver,  but  with  the  same  impres- 
sion, to  be  used  for  the  same  purpose ;  and  hence  we  still 
talk  of  '  the  seals  being  in  commission,'  or  of  a  particular 
individual  being  'a  candidate  for  the  seals,'  meaning  the 
office  of  lord  chancellor ;  although,  with  the  exception  of 
the  rival  great  seals  used  by  the  king  and  the  Parliament 
during  the  civil  war  in  the  time  of  Charles  L,  there  has  not 


1C 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


SEAL  OF   WILLIAM  THE  CONQUEEOB. 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  17 

been  for  many  centuries  more  than  one  great  seal  in  exist- 
ence at  the  same  time."  The  "  great  seal"  was  often  men- 
tioned in  the  plural  number  as  "  the  seals"  because  it  was 
made  in  two  parts — the  obverse  and  the  reverse  of  the  seal 
being  indeed  separate  and  distinct  seals. .  But  few  English 
sovereigns  are  known  to  have  had  two  or  more  contempo- 
raneous great  seals ;  and  it  is  improbable  that  the  monarchs 
who  were  thus  rich  in  seals  made  it  a  rule  to  intrust  them 
both  or  all  at  the  same  time  to  one  officer.  Kings  who 
had  occasion  to  travel  in  foreign  lands  not  unfrequently 
had  two  different  great  seals,  or  a  great  seal  and  a  fac-simile 
— one  for  the  use  of  royalty  on  his  travels,  the  other  for  the 
use  of  the  chancellor  intrusted  with  the  conduct  of  affairs 
at  home;  one  being  in  the  custody  of  the  keeper  in  attend- 
ance on  his  liege  lord,  the  other  being  left  with  the  chief 
of  the  High  Court  of  Chancery.  But  in  cases  where,  the  two 
seals  have  different  designs,  common  prudence  would  dic- 
tate that  they  should  be  kept  from  the  grasp  of  one  man ; 
and  it  can  not  be  doubted  that  in  most  instances  prudence 
controlled  the  action  of  the  crown  with  regard  to  this  mat- 
ter, as  kings  are  continually  found  destroying  their  discard- 
ed seals  for  the  sake  of  avoiding  the  confusion  and  troubles 
that  might  ensue  if,  without  an  especial  reason,  they  re- 
tained in  use,  or  even  in  existence,  seals  of  diverse  patterns. 
From  remote  days  the  destruction  of  discarded  great  seals 
has  been  accomplished  with  due  ceremony,  and,  until  recent 
times,  with  great  completeness.  It  is  matter  of  record  that 
Edward  III.'s  first  seal  was  broken  "  in  minutas  pecias"  on 
October  5,  1327.  At  that  early  date  the  pieces  of  a  de- 
stroyed seal  were  a  perquisite  of  the  chancellor,  and  his 
perquisite  they  have  remained  to  this  day.  In  modern 
times  chancellors  have  jealously  preserved  the  damasked 
seats  that  have  fallen  to  them  as  perquisites  of  office,  re- 
garding them  as  trophies  to  be  handed  down  among  most 

B 


18  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


precious  heir-looms  by  their  descendants  to  their  descend- 
ants. 

Prior  to  the  fourteenth  century  the  great  seal  was  so  per- 
petually on  its  travels  that  a  more  obstinate  vagabond  could 
not  have  been  found  in  the  kingdom.  Whithersoever  the 
king  went  it  .did  its  best  to  dance  attendance  on  the  royal 
person ;  and,  in  order  that  it  might  the  more  easily  achieve 
its  courtly  purpose,  special  arrangements  were  made  for  its 
entertainment  -and  convenience.  In  whatever  city  the  mon- 
arch tarried,  an  hospitium  or  inn  was  set  apart  for  the  resi- 
dence of  the  chancellor,  his  masters,  and  his  clerks.  A 
stout  horse  was  always  in  readiness,  on  which  the  rolls 
could  be  packed,  and  wheresoever  the  chancellor  rested, 
the  rude  sofa  of  the  period,  a  woolsack,  gave  solace  to  his 
aching  limbs. 

The  adventures  of  the  great  seal  on  its  travels  would  of 
themselves  make  an  amusing  book.  When  Eichard  I. 
started  for  Palestine,  he  left  the  government  of  his  realm 
to  Chancellor  Longchamp,  and  took  with  him  the  great  seal, 
under  the  custody  of  Vice-chancellor  or  Keeper  Malchien. 
Proud  of  his  office,  and  obeying  the  usage  of  the  time, 
Keeper  Malchien  always  bore  the  great  seal  round  his  neck, 
to  the  great  admiration  of  the  vagrant  and  chivalric  court- 
iers. Off  Cyprus  the  good  man  had  the  ill  luck  to  topple 
overboard  into  the  sea  and  to  be  drowned,  together  with 
the  bawble  under  his  charge.  Whether  Malchien  could 
swim,  and  whether  the  weight  of  the  seal  and  its  chain 
rendered  vain  his  efforts  for  self-preservation,  the  record 
sayeth  not.  It  is  enough  to  know  that  the  great  seal  and 
its  keeper  "  went  under,"  as  we  Americans  express  it,  and 
were  no  more  seen.  Charles  II. 's  first  great  seal  also  found 
a  watery  grave  in  the  Severn,  having  been  thrown  into 
that  river,  so  that  it  might  not  fall  into  the  hands  of  Crom- 
well's soldiers.  James  II.  made  away  with  his  great  seal 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND. 


19 


SEAL   OF   THE   COMMONWEALTH. 


20  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


in  1688.  When  the  foolish,  fallen  king,  disguised  and  full 
of  fears,  stole  from.  Whitehall  on  the  night  of  December  10 
and  entered  a  hackney-coach,  the  great  seal  was  in  his 
pocket.  Clattering  over  uneven  ways,  the  humble  carriage 
passed  through  dark  and  dangerous  streets  to  the  horse-fer- 
ry, Westminster.  At  that  point  the  fugitive  dismissed  the 
driver,  and  made  the  transit  of  the  river  in  a  boat  rowed 
by  a  single  sculler.  Half  the  passage  was  accomplished, 
when  the  sovereign  drew  forth  the  seal,  and  dropped  it  be- 
neath the  gloomy  surface  of  the  water.  But  the  grave  sur- 
rendered its  victim.  William  of  Orange  used  this  same 
seal  in  the  first  business  of  his  reign.  The  exact  day  of  its 
recovery  is  unknown ;  but  a  fortunate  fisherman  caught  it 
in  his  net,  and,  after  his  first  surprise  had  subsided,  bore  it 
in  triumph  to  the  Lords  of  the  Council,  who  in  due  course 
placed  it  in  the  hands  of  the  Deliverer.  It  was  used  until 
1680,  when  a  new  great  seal,  adorned  with  likenesses  of 
William  and  Mary,  was  substituted  for  the  late  king's  de- 
vice. On  Mary's  death  William  III.  had  another  great 
seal  engraven,  from  which  his  consort's  image  and  name 
were  omitted. 

One  of  the  strangest  accidents  that  befell  George  III.'s 
third  great  seal  occurred  at  Encombe,  in  the  autumn  of 
1812.  Eldon  was  then  lord  chancellor,  and  was  residing 
at  his  country  seat,  when  part  of  the  house  was  destroyed 
by  a  fire  that  broke  out  at  night.  With  admirable  expedi- 
tion the  fire-engine  was  at  work,  and  Lady  Eldon's  maid- 
servants were  helping  to  supply  it  with  water.  "  It  was," 
wrote  Lord  Eldon,  "really  a  very  pretty  sight;  for  all  the 
maids  turned  out  of  their  beds,  and  they  formed  a  line  from 
the  water  to  the  fire-engine,  handing  the  buckets;  they 
looked  very  pretty,  all  in  their  shifts."  (From  all  of  which 
it  is  evident  that  Eldon,  with  all  his  stupidity  and  gruffness, 
had  an  eye  for  beauty.)  But,  ere  the  chancellor  found  time 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND. 


21 


BEAL  OF    WILLIAM   AND    MART. 


22  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


to  survey  the  maid-servants  with  approval,  he  had  provided 
for  the  safety  of  the  great  seal,  which  he  was  accustomed 
to  keep  in  his  bedchamber.  At  the  first  alarm  of  fire  the 
chancellor  hastened  out  of  doors  with  the  great  seal,  and 
burying  it  in  a  flower-bed,  confided  it  to  the  care  of  mother 
earth.  That  prudent  act  accomplished,  he  ran  to  the  aid 
of  his  maid-servants.  But  when  morning  came,  and  the 
sun  looked  down  on  a  mansion  damaged,  not  destroyed,  by 
fire,  it  occurred  to  Eldon  that  it  was  time  for  him  to  recover 
the  seal  from  its  undignified  concealment.  With  that  in- 
tention he  bustled  off  to  the  long  terrace  where  he  had 
buried  the  treasure;  but,  on  arriving  there,  to  his  lively 
chagrin  and  alarm,  he  found  that  he  had  omitted  to  mark 
the  exact  spot  of  its  interment.  Whether  the  grave  had 
been  dug  in  this  bed  or  in  that — whether  on  the  right  or 
the  left  of  the  gravel  walk — whether  above  or  below  the 
fish-tank — he  could  not  say.  In  his  perplexity  he  sought 
counsel  of  Lady  Eldon,  and  by  her  advice  the  same  maid- 
servants who  had  figured  so  picturesquely  by  firelight,  to- 
gether with  the  entire  staff  of  gardeners,  were  provided  with 
spades,  shovels,  trowels,  pokers,  tongs,  curling-irons,  old 
umbrellas,  and  other  suitable  implements,  and  were  order- 
ed to  probe  old  mother  earth  in  the  region  of  the  long  ter- 
race, until  she  delivered  up  the  "  pestiferous  metal"  which 
had  been  committed  to  her  in  trust.  "You  never  saw  any 
thing  so  ridiculous,"  observed  his  lordship,  "  as  seeing  the 
whole  family  down  that  walk  probing  and  digging  till  we 
found  it."  A  burden  of  anxious  care  must  have  fallen  from 
the  chancellor's  mind  when  the  cry  of  "  Found,  my  lord !" 
reached  his  ears. 

Another  curious  danger  once  befell  the  great  seal.  King 
John,  in  1206,  in  order  to  raise  money  for  his  necessities, 
put  up  the  great  seal  at  auction,  and  it  was  purchased  by 
Walter  de  Lacy,  who  paid  five  thousand  marks  for  it  dur- 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  23 

ing  the  term  of  his  natural  life,  and  a  grant  was  made  out 
to  him  in  due  form.     He  held  the  office  six  years. 

The  Lord  Chancellor,  in  the  English  popular  mind,  repre- 
sents all  that  is  most  elevated  in  dignity  and  power.  Besides 
living  at  the  head  of  the  House  of  Lords  and  the  judges 
of  the  realm,  he  is  the  "  keeper  of  the  king's  conscience," 
the  nominator  of  all  the  inferior  judges,  and  by  far  the  lar- 
gest dispenser  of  church  patronage.  The  first  keeper  of  the 
seals  who  was  endowed  with  the  title  of  lord  chancellor  was 
Maurice,  who  received  the  great  seal  in  1067.  The  incum- 
bents of  the  office  were  for  a  long  period  ecclesiastics ;  and 
they  usually  enjoyed  episcopal  or  archiepiscopal  rank,  and 
lived  in  the  London  palaces  attached  to  their  sees  or  prov- 
inces. The  first  keeper  of  the  seals  of  England  was  Fitzgil- 
bert,  appointed  by  Queen  Matilda  soon  after  her  coronation, 
and  there  was  no  other  layman  appointed  till  the  reign  of 
Edward  III.  The  practice  of  appointing  bishops,  however, 
was  soon  resumed,  and  continued  without  interruption  till 
the  fall  of  Wolsey.  After  Wolsey  came  Sir  Thomas  More 
and  a  succession  of  lawyers,  who,  with  two  exceptions,  con- 
tinued to  fill  the  office  till  Lord  Bacon  was  convicted  of  cor- 
ruption, when  lawyers  being,  as  a  consequence,  in  bad  odor, 
James  I.  appointed  Bishop  Williams,  the  only  Protestant  di- 
vine who  ever  held  the  great  seal.  Nearly  all  the  lay  com- 
moners who  have  been  honored  with  this  high  position  have 
been  ennobled ;  and  Campbell,  in  his  Lives  of  the  Chancel- 
lors, informs  us  that  in  his  time  there  were  sitting  in  the 
House  of  Lords  sixteen  peers  descended  from  chancellors  in 
the  direct  male  line.  These  are  known  to  English  law  as  the 
"law  lords."  The  same  author  also  tells  us  that  during  the 
last  three  hundred  years  six  lord  chancellors  have  been 
impeached — Cardinal  Wolsey,  Lord  Bacon,  Lord  Keeper 
Finch,  Lord  Clarendon,  Lord  Somers,  and  Lord  Maccles- 
field,  and  of  these  Lord  Somers  was  alone  acquitted. 


24: 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


In  this  connection  we  must  also  mention  Lord  Westbury, 
who  had  to  resign  in  1865,  in  obedience  to  the  popular  will, 
and  under  circumstances  which  indicate  pretty  clearly  that 
the  judicial  ermine  of  England  is  not  entirely  free  from 
stain. 


THE  WIT  OF  SIR  THOMAS  MORE. 

Sir  Thomas  More,  the  most  celebrated  of  the  lord  chan- 
cellors, by  reason  of  his  learning,  piety,  brilliant  mind,  and 
tragic  death,  has  left  behind  him  a  reputation  as  the  first 
wit  of  his  rank  and  age.  No  lawyer  has  given  better  wit- 
ticisms to  the  jest-books ;  and  the  wide  and  lasting  popular- 
ity of  his  pleasantries  is  a  weighty  proof  that  the  multitude 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.         25 

can  appreciate  humor  that  is  free  from  coarseness,  and  gay- 
ety  that  has  no  taint  of  buffoonery.  Like  all  legal  wits,  he 
enjoyed  a  pun.  But  though  he  would  condescend  to  play 
with  words  as  a  child  plays  with  shells  on  a  sea-beach,  he 
could  at  will  command  the  laughter  of  his  readers  without 
having  recourse  to  mere  verbal  antics.  Much  of  his  humor 
was  of  the  sort  that  is  ordinarily  called  quiet  humor,  because 
its  effect  does  not  pass  off  in  shouts  of  merriment.  His  wit 
was  not  less  ready  than  brilliant,  and  on  one  occasion  its 
readiness  saved  him  from  a  sudden  and  horrible  death. 
Sitting  on  the  roof  of  his  high  gate-house  at  Chelsea,  he  was 
enjoying  the  beauties  of  the  Thames  and  the  sunny  richness 
of  the  landscape,  when  his  solitude  was  broken  by  the  un- 
looked-for arrival  of  a  wandering  maniac.  Wearing  the 
horn  and  badge  of  a  Bedlamite,  the  unfortunate  creature 
showed  the  signs  of  his  malady  in  his  equipment  as  well 
as  his  countenance.  Having  cast  his  eye  downward  from 
the  parapet  to  the  foot  of  the  tower,  he  conceived  a  mad 
desire  to  hurl  the  chancellor  from  the  flat  roof.  "  Leap, 
Tom,  leap !"  screamed  the  athletic  fellow,  laying  a  firm  hand 
on  More's  shoulder.  Fixing  his  attention  with  a  steady 
look,  More  said,  coolly,  "  Let  us  first  throw  my  little  dog 
down,  and  see  what  sport  that  will  be."  In  a  trice  the  dog 
was  thrown  into  the  air.  "  Good !"  said  More,  feigning  de- 
light at  the  experiment;  "now  run  down,  fetch  the  dog, 
and  we'll  throw  him  off  again."  Obeying  the  command, 
the  dangerous  intruder  left  More  free  to  secure  himself  by 
a  bar,  and  to  summon  assistance  with  his  voice. 

Sir  Thomas  Manners,  with  whom  More  had  been  very 
familiar  when  a  boy,  was  created  Earl  of  Rutland  about  the 
same  time  that  More  was  made  lord  chancellor ;  and  being 
much  puffed  up  by  his  elevation,  the  former  treated  with 
much  superciliousness  his  old  school-fellow,  who  still  re- 
mained a  simple  knight 


26  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Hbnores  mutant  mores"  cried  the  upstart  earl,  meeting 
More  one  day. 

"  The  proper  translation  of  which,"  said  the  imperturb- 
able chancellor,  "is,  'Honors  change  manners.' " 

More's  most  exquisite  saying  was  that  observation  which 
will  ever  be  among  familiar  quotations — "To  aim  at  honor 
in  this  world  is  to  set  a  coat  of  arms  over  a  prison  gate." 

"When  Sir  William  Kingston  was  conducting  him  to  the 
scaffold,  More  had  some  difficulty  in  mounting  it,  and  said 
to  him  playfully,  "Master  Lieutenant,  I  pray  you  see  me  safe 
up ;  and  as  for  my  coming  down,  let  me  shift  for  myself." 
•  He  said  to  the  executioner,  "  Pluck  up  thy  spirit,  man, 
and  be  not  afraid  to  do  thy  duty ;  my  neck  is  very  short : 
take  heed,  therefore,  that  thou  strike  not  awry." 

When  he  had  laid  his  head  on  the  block,  he  desired  the 
executioner  "  to  wait  till  he  had  removed  his  beard,  for 
that  had  never  offended  his  highness." 


ANECDOTES  OF  LORD  BACON. 

Sir  Nicholas  Bacon,  lord  chancellor  under  Queen  Eliza- 
beth, by  the  urbane  placidity  which  marked  the  utterance 
of  his  happiest  speeches,  often  recalled  to  his  hearers  the 
courteous  easiness  of  More's  repartees.  Neither  satire  nor 
importunity  could  ruffle  or  confuse  him.  When  Queen 
Elizabeth,  looking  disdainfully  at  his  modest  country  man- 
sion, told  him  that  the  place  was  too  small,  he  answered 
with  the  flattery  of  gratitude,  "  Not  so,  madam ;  your  high- 
ness has  made  me  too  great  for  my  house."  Liecester  hav- 
ing suddenly  asked  him  his  opinion  of  two  aspirants  for 
court  favor,  he  responded  on  the  spur  of  the  moment,  "  By 
my  troth,  my  lord,  the  one  is  a  grave  councillor ;  the  other 
is  a  proper  young  man,  and  so  he  will  be  as  long  as  he 
lives."  But  notwithstanding  his  deliberation  and  the  stilt- 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  27 

ter  that  hindered  his  utterances,  he  could  be  quicker  than 
the  quickest,  and  sharper  than  the  most  acrid,  as  the  loqua- 
cious barrister  discovered  who  was  suddenly  checked  in  a 
course  of  pert  talkativeness  by  this  tart  remark  from  the 
stammering  lord  keeper:  "There  is  a  difference  between 
you  and  me — for  me  it  is  a  pain  to  s-speak ;  for  you  a  pain 
to  hold  your  tongue."  Some  of  the  stories  of  his  facetious- 
ness  on  the  bench  are  so  unworthy  of  his  powers  that  their 
badness  inclines  the  critic  to  question  their  authenticity. 
Among  these  doubtful  anecdotes  may  be  placed  the  story 
of  the  convicted  felon  named  Hog,  who  implored  Sir 
Nicholas  not  to  pass  sentence  of  death  upon  him  because 
hog  and  bacon  were  near  akin  to  each  other;  to  which 
piece  of  improbable  sauciness  Sir  Nicholas,  then  acting  as 
a  judge  on  the  Northern  Circuit,  is  said  to  have  answered, 
with  brutal  jocularity,  "  Nay,  my  friend,  you  and  I  can  not 
be  kindred  except  you  be  hanged,  for  hog  is  not  bacon  un- 
til it  be  hanged ;  so  the  sentence  of  the  court  is,  etc.,  etc." 
More  appropriate  to  the  dignity  of  his  office  than  this  out- 
burst of  savage  pleasantry  was  the  silence  which  he  main- 
tained when  a  rogue  in  the  dock,  pointing  to  him,  exclaim- 
ed, "I  charge  you,  in  the  queen's  name,  to  seize  and  take 
away  that  man  in  the  red  gown  there,  for  I  go  in  danger 
of  my  life  because  of  him !"  But  though  he  refrained  from 
laughing  at  the  interruption  in  court,  he  often  laughed  over 
the  recollection  of  it  at  his  dinner-table.  That  the  familiar 
story  of  his  fatal  attack  of  cold  is  altogether  true  one  can 
not  well  believe,  for  it  seems  highly  improbable  that  the 
lord  keeper,  in  his  seventieth  year,  would  have  sat  down 
to  be  shaved  near  an  open  window  in  the  month  of  Febru- 
ary. But  though  the  anecdote  may  not  be  historically  ex- 
act, it  may  be  accepted  as  a  faithful  portraiture  of  his  more 
stately  and  severely  courteous  humor. 

"  Why  did  you  suffer  me  to  sleep  thus  exposed  ?"  asked 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


the  lord  keeper,  waking  in  a  fit  of  shivering  from  slumber 
into  which  his  servant  had  allowed  him  to  drop  as  he  sat 
to  be  shaved  in  a  place  where  there  was  a  sharp  current 
of  air. 

"  Sir,  I  durst  not  disturb  you,"  answered  the  punctilious 
valet,  with  a  lowly  obeisance.  Having  eyed  him  for  a  few 
seconds,  Sir  Nicholas  rose  and  said,  "By  your  civility  I  lose 
my  life."  Whereupon  the  lord  keeper  retired  to  the  bed 
from  which  he  never  rose. 


AN  HONEST  CHANCELLOR. 

"  Simon  the  Norman"  is  celebrated  among  the  few  chan- 
cellors who  have  lost  the  office  by  refusing  to  comply  with 
the  royal  will,  and  to  do  an  unconstitutional  act.  He  was 
a  great  favorite  at  court,  and  seemed  likely  to  have  a  long 
official  career,  but  was  suddenly  removed  because  he  had 
incurred  the  displeasure  of  Henry  III.  (more  probably  of 
Queen  Eleanor)  because  he  would  not  put  the  great  seal  to 
a  grant  of  fourpence  on  every  sack  of  wool  owned  by  the 
Earl  of  Flanders,  the  queen's  uncle. 


A  LADY   KEEPER  OF  THE  SEALS. 

The  Queen  Eleanor  referred  to  in  the  foregoing  incident 
once  held  the  seals,  and  is  known  as  the  "  lady  keeper." 
Legend  and  chronicle  preserve  the  memory  of  her  singular 
grace  and  lively  humor,  the  brightness  of  her  jewels  and 
the  splendor  of  her  state,  her  unjust  acts  and  evil  fame. 
Having  occasion  to  cross  the  sea  and  visit  Gascony,  A.D. 
1253,  Henry  III.  made  her  keeper  of  the  seal  during  his 
absence,  and  in  that  character  she  in  her  own  person  pre- 
sided in  the  Aula  Eegia,  hearing  causes,  and,  it  is  to  be 
feared,  forming  her  decisions  less  in  accordance  with  justice 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND. 


29 


QUEEN   ELEANOE. 


than  her  own  private  interests.  Never  did  judge  set  law 
and  equity  more  fearfully  at  naught.  Not  content  with 
the  exorbitant  sums  which  she  wrung  from  the  merchants 
whom  she  compelled  to  unload  their  ships  at  her  royal 
hythe,  the  lady  keeper  required  the  city  to  pay  her  a  large 
sum — due  to  her,  as  she  pretended,  from  arrears  of  "queen 
gold ;"  and  when  Eichard  Picard  and  John  de  Northamp- 
ton, sheriffs  of  London,  had  the  presumption  to  resist  this 
claim,  she  very  promptly  packed  them  off  to  the  Marshal- 
sea.  Having  thus  disposed  of  the  sheriffs,  she,  on  equally 
unlawful  grounds,  subjected  the  lord  mayor  to  like  treat- 
ment. But  the  great  event  during  her  tenure  of  the  seals 


30  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


was  the  birth  of  her  daughter  Catharine,  on  St.  Catharine's 
Day,  1253.  The  keeper  of  the  seals  was  not  actually  de- 
livered on  the  bed  of  justice,  but,  with  only  a  slight  depart- 
ure from  literal  truth,  the  historian  may  affirm  that  the  lit- 
tle princess  was  born  upon  the  woolsack. 


A  GALLANT  AND  WITTY  CHANCELLOR. 

Few  chancellors  have  borne  the  seals  more  lightly  than 
Anthony  Ashley  Cooper,  Earl  of  Shaftesbury,  the  wit  of 
whom  Charles  II.  said,  "  My  chancellor  knows  more  law 
than  all  my  judges,  and  more  divinity  than  all  my  bish- 
ops ;"  and  the  partisan  who  was  placed  on  the  woolsack 
solely  in  order  that  he  might  violate  the  law,  and  who,  aft- 
er he  had  fulfilled  the  infamous  purpose  of  his  elevation, 
was  extolled  by  Dryden's  venal  muse  as  a  miracle  of  judi- 
cial purity.  He  clutched  the  seals,  well  knowing  that  they 
would  draw  upon  him  the  indignation  of  honest  men  and 
the  contempt  of  competent  lawyers ;  but  the  reckless  poli- 
tician held  cheap  the  opinions  of  honest  men,  and  the  court- 
ier who  was  never  even  called  to  the  bar  had  neither  re- 
spect for  the  learning,  nor  belief  in  the  integrity  of  lawyers. 
He  began  his  judicial  career  with  characteristic  cleverness 
and  levity.  Knowing  that  the  legal  dignitaries  were  laugh- 
ing in  their  sleeves  at  his  advancement,  he  resolved  to  ren- 
der them  ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  the  London  mob,  and 
for  that  purpose  he  required  the  judges,  in  accordance  with 
an  old  custom  revived  at  the  Eestoration,  and  discontinued 
since  1665,  to  attend  him  from  his  residence  in  the  Strand  to 
Westminster  Hall,  not  in  their  carriages,  but  on  horseback. 
Never  had  London  witnessed  a  more  ludicrous  spectacle 
than  this  procession  of  mounted  lawyers,  many  of  whom 
had  not  for  years  been  in  the  saddle,  some  of  whom  had 
never  had  a  riding -lesson.  Shaftesbury,  a  perfect  horse- 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  31 

man,  won  the  applause  of  the  crowd,  unable  to  doubt  the 
competence  of  a  chancellor  whose  seat  was  perfect  in  the 
saddle ;  but  he  fared  less  to  his  own  satisfaction  when  he 
was  required  to  deliver  decisions  before  the  dismounted 
bar.  King's  counsel,  sergeants,  and  other  barristers  per- 
plexed him  with  mischievous  questions  and  unintelligible 
motions,  and  day  after  day  they  forced  him  to  contradict 
his  own  judgments.  But  though,  after  rough  lessons,  he 
had  the  prudence  to  hold  his  peace,  and  interfere  as  little  as 
possible  with  matters  that  were  beyond  his  comprehension, 
he  continued  to  preside  in  his  court  with  undiminished 
good-humor,  if  not  with  undimiaished  effrontery,  looking 
"  more  like  a  rakish  young  nobleman  at  the  university  than 
a  lord  high  chancellor,"  and  attired  "in  an  ash -colored 
gown,  silver-laced,  and  full-ribboned  pantaloons  displayed, 
without  any  black  at  all  in  his  garb,  unless  it  were  his  hat." 
Another  witticism,  currently  attributed  to  various  recent 
celebrities,  but  usually  fathered  upon  Richard  Brinsley 
Sheridan — on  whose  reputation  have  been  heaped  the  bril- 
liant mots  of  many  a  speaker  whom  he  never  heard,  and 
the  indiscretions  of  many  a  sinner  whom  he  never  knew — 
is  certainly  as  old  as  Shaftesbury's  bright  and  unprincipled 
career.  When  Charles  II.  exclaimed,  "  Shaftesbury,  you 
are  the  most  profligate  man  in  my  dominions,"  the  reckless 
chancellor  answered,  "  Of  a  subject,  sir,  I  believe  I  am." 

But  the  best  fun  of  Shaftesbury's  chancellorship  did  not 
appear  till  the  very  moment  when  his  rivals  at  court  oust- 
ed him  from  the  judicial  seat  which  he  occupied  for  nearly 
thirteen  months.  It  was  arranged  that  his  degradation 
should  be  consummated  on  Sunday,  November  9,  1673, 
when  in  the  ordinary  discharge  of  official  duty  he  came  to 
Whitehall  to  attend  on  the  king  at  chapel.  The  triumph 
of  his  enemies  was  no  secret  to  him ;  and  when  he  saw  an 
unusually  dense  throng  of  gallants  and  beauties  assembled 


32  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


in  the  galleries  and  on  the  stairs  of  the  palace,  he  needed 
no  assurance  that  they  had  come  to  witness  his  dismissal. 
For  a  minute  there  was  a  hush  of  busy  tongues  as  he  pass- 
ed through  the  crowd  to  the  king's  closet  He  was  still 
lord  chancellor,  and  showing  the  respect  due  to  his  office, 
the  loungers  drew  aside,  and  made  a  passage  for  him  with 
suitable  obeisance.  But  he  would  in  another  minute  be 
an  ex-chancellor ;  and  as  he  passed  on  with  firm,  light  step, 
bearing  the  purse  of  state  in  his  right  hand,  the  courtly  mob 
closed  in  upon  his  heels,  and  exchanged  mischievous  smiles 
and  curious  glances. 

Soon  the  chancellor  was  on  his  knee  in  the  royal  closet 
kissing  the  king's  hand. 

"  Sire,"  he  said,  "  I  know  you  intend  to  give  the  seals 
to  the  attorney  general,  but  I  am  sure  your  majesty  never 
designed  to  dismiss  me  with  contempt." 

"God's  fish,  my  lord,"  answered  Charles,  who  could  be 
cruel  to  his  friends  when  their  backs  were  turned,  but  found 
it  difficult  to  be  uncivil  to  his  enemies  when  they  looked 
him  in  the  face,  "  I  will  not  do  it  with  any  circumstance  as 
may  look  like  an  affront." 

"  Then,  sire,"  entreated  the  earl,  "  I  desire  your  majesty 
will  permit  me  to  carry  the  seals  before  you  to  chapel,  and 
will  send  for  them  afterward  to  my  house." 

Of  course  the  request  was  granted. 

Till  the  time  arrived  for  the  congregation  to  enter  the 
chapel  Shaftesbury  kept  his  sovereign  merry  with  good 
stories ;  and  when  the  Protestant  king  passed  from  his  closet 
to  chapel  through  two  rows  of  courtiers,  with  amazement 
they  saw  him  in  friendly  conversation  with  the  keeper  of 
his  conscience,  and  Heneage  Finch,  who  aspired  to  succeed 
him,  turned  white  with  apprehension  as  his  eyes  fell  on  the 
purse  of  state,  which  the  foppish  chancellor  still  swung 
jauntily  to  and  fro  as  he  laughed  gayly  at  one  of  Charles's 
jokes. 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  33 


AN  INGENIOUS  AND  WITTY  CONSTKUCTION. 

"William  de  Wickham,  one  of  the  lord  chancellors  in  the 
reign  of  Edward  III.,  was  the  designer  of  Windsor  Castle 
nearly  in  the  form  in  which  it  exists  to  the  present  day. 
The  architect  gave  deep  offense  to  his  royal  master  by  plac- 
ing on  one  of  the  gates  the  inscription  '•''This  made  Wickham" 
which  was  construed  into  an  arrogant  appropriation  to  him- 
self of  all  the  glory  of  the  edifice.  But  he  insisted  that  the 
words  were  to  be  read  as  a  translation  of  "  Wichamum  fecit 
hoc" — not  of  "  Hoc  fecit  Wichamus ;"  that,  according  to  the 
usual  idiom  of  the  English  language,  "Wickham"  was  here 
the  accusative  case  instead  of  the  nominative,  and  that  he 
only  wished  posterity  to  know  that  his  superintendence  of 
the  work  had  gained  him  the  royal  favor,  and  thus  had 
raised  him  from  low  degree  to  exalted  fortune ;  in  other 
words,  "  This  castle  was  the  making  of  Wickham."  Edward 
was  appeased,  and  ever  afterward  delighted  to  honor  him. 


AN  ARTFUL  ARGUMENT. 

That  "circumstances  alter  cases,"  especially  with  law- 
yers, is  not  a  fact  of  modern  origin.  Sir  John  Fortescue, 
when  lord  chancellor  during  the  War  of  the  Eoses,  wrote  a 
treatise  to  support,  on  principles  of  constitutional  law,  the 
claim  of  the  House  of  Lancaster  to  the  crown.  But  when 
Edward  was  firmly  established  on  the  throne,  Sir  John  ex- 
pressed his  willingness  to  submit  himself  to  the  reigning 
monarch.  Edward,  with  some  malice,  required  that,  as  a 
condition  of  his  pardon,  he  must  write  another  treatise  upon 
the  disputed  question  of  the  succession  in  support  of  the 
claim  of  the  House  of  York  against  the  House  of  Lancas- 
ter. The  old  lawyer  complied,  showing  that  he  could  sup- 
port either  side  with  equal  ability. 

C 


34  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


LORD  ELLESMERE'S  POOR  WIT. 

Lord  Francis  Bacon,  the  profound  scholar,  philosopher, 
and  corrupt  judge,  who  has  been  defined  as 

"The  wisest,  brightest,  meanest  of  mankind," 

was  the  author  of  a  "  Collection  of  Apophthegms"  which 
Macaulay  in  one  of  his  essays  considers  "  the  best  jest-book 
in  the  world."  In  it  he  has  recorded  two  of  Ellesmere's 
(Lord  Egerton)  feeble  attempts  at  punning.  He  was  asked, 
during  his  tenure  of  the  mastership  of  the  rolls,  to  commit 
a  cause,  i.  e.,  to  refer  it  to  a  master  in  chancery ;  he  used  to 
answer,  "  What  has  the  cause  done  that  it  should  be  com- 
mitted ?"  It  is  also  recorded  of  him  that,  when  he  was  ask- 
ed for  his  signature  to  a  petition  of  which  he  disapproved, 
he  would  tear  it  in  pieces  with  both  hands,  saying,  "You 
want  my  hand  to  this?  You  shall  have  it;  ay,  and  both 
my  hands  too."  Such  exhibitions  of  sportive  temper  were 
applauded  by  the  by-standers,  who,  respecting  his  wit  as 
judicial  wit  ought  to  be  respected,  were  charmed  by  the 
old  man's  venerable  aspect.  Of  Egerton's  student  days  a 
story  is  extant,  which  has  merits,  independent  of  its  truth. 
The  hostess  of  a  Smithfield  tavern  had  received  a  sum  of 
money  from  three  graziers  in  trust  for  them,  and  on  en- 
gagement to  restore  it  to  them  on  their  joint  demand.  Soon 
after  this  transfer,  one  of  the  co-depositors,  fraudulently 
representing  himself  to  be  acting  as  the  agent  of  the  other 
two,  induced  the  old  lady  to  give  him  possession  of  the 
whole  of  the  money,  and  thereupon  absconded.  Forth- 
with the  other  two  depositors  brought  an  action  against  the 
landlady,  and  were  on  the  point  of  gaining  a  decision  in 
their  favor,  when  young  Egerton,  who  had  been  taking 
notes  of  the  trial,  rose  as  amicus  curice,  and  argued,  "  This 
money,  by  the  contract,  was  to  be  returned  to  three,  but  two 
only  sue ;  where  is  the  third?  let  him  appear  with  the  others ; 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  35 

till  then  the  money  can  not  be  demanded  from  her."  Non- 
suit for  the  plaintiffs — for  the  young  student  a  hum  of  com- 
mendation. 


The  name  of  Chancellor  Jeffreys  is  the  most  infamous 
and  hated  one  in  the  history  of  the  judiciary  of  England, 
or  any  country  in  the  civilized  world.  As  a  criminal  judge 
he  probably  pronounced  the  death-penalty  more  times  than 
any  justice  who  ever  presided  over  any  court,  and  he  seem- 
ed to  take  a  fiendish  delight  in  the  imposition  of  cruel  and 
extreme  sentences.  Among  the  thousands  of  his  victims, 
he  sentenced  the  noble  Sydney  to  death  and  mutilation 
corruptly  and  unjustly,  with  insufficient  evidence  to  estab- 
lish the  charge  of  high  treason. 

As  some  explanation  for  the  inhuman  barbarity  and  ma- 
licious cruelty  which  characterized  his  administration  as  a 
criminal  justice,  it  should  be  stated  that  he  was  grossly  in- 
temperate, suffered  severely  from  attacks  of  gravel  and 
rheumatism,  which  necessarily  gave  him  an  irate  temper. 

As  a  reward  for  his  infamy  and  persecution  of  the  king's 
enemies,  James  II.  made  him  lord  chancellor,  but  he  died 
miserably,  at  last,  in  the  Tower  of  London,  on  the  18th  of 
April,  1689.  Lord  Jeffreys,  near  the  close  of  his  career, 
barely  escaped  being  torn  to  pieces  by  the  enraged  popu- 
lace. While  a  prisoner  in  the  Tower,  he  received  a  barrel 
marked  "  Colchester  oysters,"  of  which  he  was  known  to 
be  very  fond.  Seeing  it,  he  exclaimed,  "Well,  I  have  some 
friends  left  still ;"  but,  on  opening  it,  the  gift  was — a  halter. 
During  his  last  sickness  the  press  turned  with  the  vindictive 
virulence  and  opprobrium  toward  himself  which  his  judicial 
butcheries  had  excited  in  the  public  mind.  Among  other 
things,  his  pretended  will  was  published,  of  which  the  fol- 


36  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


lowing  was  the  concluding  legacy :  "/tern,  I  order  an  ell 
and  a  half  of  fine  cambric  to  be  cut  into  handkerchiefs  for 
drying  up  all  the  wet  eyes  at  my  funeral,  together  with  half 
a  pint  of  burnt  claret  for  all  the  mourners  in  the  kingdom." 

This  judge,  whose  crimes  were  greater  than  those  of  the 
most  hardened  felon  who  ever  received  a  judicial  sentence, 
died  at  the  early  age  of  forty-one,  and  left  a  name  which 
will  be  immortal  in  the  annals  of  historic  infamy  and  of- 
ficial corruption. 

Perhaps  of  all  the  anecdotes  of  Jeffreys's  cruelty  the 
most  thoroughly  sickening  is  that  which  describes  his  con- 
duct when,  as  recorder  of  London,  he  passed  sentence  of 
death  on  his  old  and  familiar  friend,  Richard  Langhorn,  the 
Catholic  barrister,  one  of  the  victims  of  the  Popish  Plot 
phrensy.  It  is  recorded  that  Jeffreys,  not  content  with 
consigning  his  friend  to  a  traitor's  doom,  malignantly  re- 
minded him  of  their  former  intercourse,  and  with  devilish 
ridicule  admonished  him  to  prepare  his  soul  for  the  next 
world.  However  much  the  reader  may  feel  inclined  to 
question  the  truthfulness  of  the  popular  portraits  of  Jef- 
freys ;  however  much  he  may  assign  to  party  rage  when  he 
endeavors  to  separate  the  actual  badness  of  the  man  from 
the  exaggerations  of  his  political  enemies,  and  however 
much -he  may  regard  the  judge's  violent  speeches  as  indica- 
tions of  the  prevailing  tone  of  the  bar  and  of  society,  rather 
than  of  the  speaker's  individual  peculiarities  of  temper,  he 
still  feels  a  genuine  delight  whenever  apocryphal  biography 
represents  the  bloody  chief  justice  as  worsted  in  a  wordy 
conflict  which  he  had  provoked  by  overbearing  speech. 
If  he  actually,  as  he  is  said  to  have  done,  interrupted  the 
venerable  Maynard  by  saying,  "  You  have  lost  your  knowl- 
edge of  law ;  your  memory,  I  tell  you,  is  failing  through 
old  age,"  how  must  every  hearer  of  the  speech  have  ex- 
ulted when  Maynard  quietly  answered,  "Yes,  Sir  George, 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  37 

I  have  forgotten  more  law  than  you  ever  learned ;  but  al- 
low me  to  say,  I  have  not  forgotten  much." 


ANECDOTES  OF  LORD  THURLOW. 

This  chancellor,  who  seems  to  have  attained  great  noto- 
riety in  the  reign  of  George  III.,  was  certainly  no  ornament 
to  the  bench,  and  gives  no  credit  to  the  bar.  He  had  a  cer- 
tain mental  vigor  and  erratic  judgment  which  were  often 
neutralized  by  his  passion,  haste,  and  caprice.  His  man- 
ners were  coarse  and  brutal,  his  habits  immoral  in  the  ex- 
treme, and,  on  the  whole,  he  was,  notwithstanding  his  great 
reputation,  a  disgrace  to  the  English  ermine.  He  drank 
freely,  and  indulged  in  the  most  shocking  profanity.  A 
solicitor  once  had  to  prove  a  death  before  him,  and  being 
told  upon  every  statement  he  made,  "  Sir,  that  is  no  proof," 
at  last  exclaimed,  much  vexed,  "  My  lord,  it  is  very  hard 
that  you  will  not  believe  me.  I  knew  him  well  to  his  last 
hour ;  I  saw  him  dead  and  in  his  coffin,  my  lord.  My  lord, 
he  was  my  client."  "  Good  heavens,  sir !"  exclaimed  the 
rude  and  insulting  lord  chancellor,  "  why  did  you  not  tell 
me  that  before?  I  should  not  have  doubted  the  fact  one 
moment,  for  I  think  nothing  can  be  more  likely  to  kill  a 
man  than  to  have  you  for  an  attorney." 

Lord  Thurlow's  rudeness  occasionally  drew  down  upon 
him  sarcasm  as  bitter  as  his  own.  Of  good  legal  ana  con- 
nected with  parliamentary  discussions,  relative  to  George 
Ill.'s  attacks  of  madness,  perhaps  the  best  is  that  which 
preserves  the  pithy  criticism  on  Lord  Thurlow  uttered  by 
Wilkes,  best  known  as  "  Liberty  Wilkes."  Thurlow  could 
shed  tears  and  be  wondrous  pathetic  whenever  tears  could 
aid  his  eloquence.  After  dexterously  coquetting  between 
the  queen's  and  the  prince's  parties  in  1788,  he  delivered  in 
the  House  of  Lords  his  memorable  declaration  of  gratitude 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


to,  and  affection  for,  the  afflicted  king.  Having  broken  this 
harangue  with  several  distinct  fits  of  nervous  agitation,  and 
at  one  point  having  wept  copiously,  he  resumed  the  clear- 
est melody  of  his  sonorous  voice,  and  concluded  with  these 
words :  "  A  noble  viscount  has,  in  an  eloquent  and  ener- 
getic manner,  expressed  his  feelings  on  the  present  melan- 
choly situation  of  his  majesty  —  feelings  rendered  more 
poignant  from  the  noble  viscount's  having  been  in  the  habit 
of  personally  receiving  marks  of  indulgence  and  kindness 
from  his  suffering  sovereign.  My  own  sorrow,  my  lords,  is 
aggravated  by  the  same  cause.  My  debt  of  gratitude  is  in- 
deed ample  for  the  many  favors  which  have  been  gracious- 
ly conferred  upon  me  by  his  majesty ;  and  when  I  forget  my 
sovereign,  may  my  God  forget  me!"  As  Thurlow  sat  down 
the  sensation  among  his  brother  peers  was  profound ;  but 
Wilkes,  who  had  been  an  auditor  of  the  speech,  was  less 
deeply  affected.  A  vicious  light  burned  brightly  in  his 
squinting  eyes,  and  as  a  more  than  usually  diabolical  sneer 
played  upon  his  hideous  face,  the  people's  friend  hissed  out, 
"  God  forget  you !  Hell  see  you  d — d  first." 

Thurlow,  a  thorough  partisan,  was  not  by  any  means  a 
narrow  one.  Sympathizing  with  success,  he  always  meant 
to  fight  on  the  winning  side ;  but,  more  daring  or  more 
shameless  than  most  time-serving  politicians,  he  took  but 
small  pains  to  conceal  his  true  character.  At  the  time  of 
King  George  III.'s  first  madness  the  Tory  chancellor  showed 
himself  quite  ready  to  serve  the  Whigs,  if  they  should  ever 
need  his  assistance ;  and  at  a  later  period,  as  a  purely  official 
upholder  of  church  and  state,  he  frankly  told  a  deputation 
of  Nonconformists  that  he  would  join  them,  and  cordially 
adopt  their  religious  opinions  as  soon  as  their  sect  had  made 
itself  the  Established  Church.  And  when  his  political  life 
met  a  premature  and  violent  end,  he  gave  the  following 
characteristic  counsel  to  Sir  John  Scott :  "  Stick  by  Pitt ; 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  39 

he  has  tripped  up  my  heels,  and  I  would  have  tripped  up 
his  if  I  could.  I  confess  I  never  thought  the  king  would 
have  parted  with  me  so  easily.  My  course  is  run,  and  for 
the  future  I  shall  remain  neutral.  But  you  must  on  no  ac- 
count resign ;  I  will  not  listen  for  a  moment  to  such  an 
idea.  We  should  be  looked  on  as  a  couple  of  fools.  Your 
promotion  is  certain,  and  it  shall  not  be  balked  by  any  such 
whimsical  proceedings."  Though  this  friendly  and  gener- 
ous speech  contains  little  to  which  the  moralist  can  take  ex- 
ception, it  must  be  admitted  that  its  tone  leaves  no  room 
for  doubt  that  the  speaker  regarded  politics  as  a  game  in 
which  clever  men  sought  personal  advancement,  and  stuck 
to  those  who  could  help  them. 

Yet  this  despicable  nature  was  for  many  years  the  leader 
of  the  nobility  of  England,  and  the  despot  of  the  House 
of  Lords.  Every  school-boy  will  remember  his  crushing 
reply  to  the  Duke  of  Grafton,  who  had  taunted  him  with 
his  plebeian  origin.  The  story,  as  usually  told,  omits  to 
describe  Thurlow's  manner  on  the  occasion,  and  this  is  done 
so  splendidly  in  Jeaffreson's  "  Book  about  Lawyers"  that  I 
am  tempted  to  give  the  extract  in  full : 

"  The  insult,"  says  Jeaffreson,  "  by  the  Duke  of  Grafton 
was  offered  during  the  inquiry  into  the  Earl  of  SANDWICH'S 
administration  of  Greenwich  Hospital,  and  was  promptly 
answered.  Leaving  the  woolsack,  the  chancellor  walked 
slowly  to  a  spot  near  the  top  of  the  Duke  of  Grafton's 
bench — from  which  place  he  ordinarily  addressed  the  House 
— and  having  deliberately  taken  up  his  position,  he  survey- 
ed the  offender  with  those  terrible  black  eyes,  the  wrathful 
light  of  which  few  antagonists  could  face  without  flinching. 
Before  the  country  clergyman's  son  had  spoken  a  word,  the 
Duchess  of  Cleveland's  descendant  felt  the  despicable  na- 
ture of  his  misconduct,  and  saw  the  magnitude  of  his  blun- 
der. Soon  the  stillness  of  the  House  was  broken  by  Thur- 


40  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


low's  grand  voice  saying,  '  I  am  amazed.'  Another  pause ; 
and  then,  in  a  louder  tone,  the  vindicator  of  his  personal 
honor  continued :  '  Yes,  my  lords,  I  am  amazed  at  his  grace's 
speech.  The  noble  duke  can  not  look  before  him,  behind 
him,  or  on  either  side  of  him,  without  seeing  some  noble 
peer  who  owes  his  seat  in  this  House  to  successful  exertions 
in  the  profession  to  which  I  belong.  Does  he  not  feel  that 
it  is  as  honorable  to  owe  it  to  these,  as  to  being  the  acci- 
dent of  an  accident?  To  all  these  noble  lords  the  language 
of  the  noble  duke  is  as  applicable  and  as  insulting  as  it  is  to 
myself.  But  I  don't  fear  to  meet  it  single  and  alone.  No 
one  venerates  the  peerage  more  than  I  do ;  but,  my  lords,  I 
must  say  that  the  peerage  solicited  me,  not  I  the  peerage. 
Nay,  more,  I  can  say,  and  will  say,  that  as  a  peer  of  Parlia- 
ment, as  speaker  of  this  right  honorable  House,  as  keeper 
of  the  great  seal,  as  guardian  of  his  majesty's  conscience,  as 
Lord  High  Chancellor  of  England,  nay,  even  in  that  char- 
acter alone  in  which  the  noble  duke  would  think  it  an  af- 
front to  be  considered — as  a  man — I  am  at  this  moment  as 
respectable — I  beg  leave  to  add,  I  am  at  this  moment  as 
much  respected — as  the  proudest  peer  I  now  look  down 
upon.'" 

From  the  date  of  that  speech  until  his  final  retirement 
from  office  Thurlow  was  the  tyrant  of  the  Upper  House, 
ruling  its  members  with  a  haughty  arrogance  such  as  no 
subsequent  chancellor  has  ventured  to  display.  Nor  was 
the  speech  less  effectual  beyond  the  circle  of  its  actual  hear- 
ers. Eedounding  to  the  honor  of  the  law  and  the  respecta- 
bility of  the  grade  from  which  he  had  risen,  it  delighted  the 
speaker's  profession,  and  inspired  the  middle  classes  with  a 
sense  of  their  worth  and  dignity ;  and  thus,  while  the  proud- 
est nobles  of  the  land  had  enough  generosity  to  applaud  the 
chancellor's  spirit,  the  multitude  found  pleasure  in  repeating 
his  words. 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  41 

Anecdotes  illustrating  Lord  Thurlow's  wit  are  not  so  nu- 
merous as  those  recounting  his  baseness,  but  enough  have 
been  preserved  to  show  that  he  possessed  a  vein  of  genuine 
humor,  though  the  best  of  these  also  contain  evidences  of 
his  rudeness  and  lack  of  principle.  In  his  undergraduate 
days  at  Cambridge  he  is  said  to  have  worried  the  tutors 
with  a  series  of  disorderly  pranks  and  impudent  escapades, 
but  on  one  occasion  he  unquestionably  displayed  at  the 
university  the  quick  wit  that  in  after  life  rescued  him  from 
many  an  embarrassing  position : 

"Sir,"  observed  a  tutor,  giving  the  unruly  undergradu- 
ate a  look  of  disapproval,  "I  never  come  to  the  window 
without  seeing  you  idling  in  the  court." 

"  Sir,"  replied  young  Thurlow,  imitating  the  tutor's  tone, 
"  I  never  come  into  the  court  without  seeing  you  idling  at 
the  window." 

The  manner  in  which  he  once  procured  a  horse  to  con- 
vey him  about  his  circuit  shows  his  wit  and  tricky  nature. 
When  he  first  began  practice — when  he  was,  as  Jeaffreson 
describes  him, "lazy, keen-eyed,  loquacious  Ned  Thurlow"- 
he  was  sorely  perplexed,  in  his  poverty,  as  to  the  means  of 
procuring  a  horse  on  which  to  ride  the  rounds  of  his  courts. 
In  his  trouble  he  called  on  a  horse-dealer,  and  in  the  confi- 
dent tone  of  a  man  who,  without  inconvenience,  could  at  his 
own  cost  put  a  cavalry  regiment  in  the  field,  intimated  that 
he  stood  in  need  of  a  very  superior  roadster.  As  to  price, 
money  was  an  affair  of  total  indifference  to  him,  so  long  as 
he  could  get  a  really  desirable  article.  "  Show  me  a  horse 
that  you  can  recommend,  and  if  I  like  him  after  trial,  I'll 
have  him  at  your  own  price."  What  could  mortal  dealer 
do  but  assent  to  this  proposal,  coming  from  the  well-look- 
ing, imperious  young  man,  who  subsequently  ruled  English 
hereditary  legislators  with  insolent  despotism,  and  whose 
aspect  was  so  imposing  that  a  shrewd  observer  said,  "  It  is 


42  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


impossible  for  any  one  to  be  so  wise  as  Thurlow  looks." 
Forthwith  a  strong  and  serviceable  hackney  was  saddled, 
and  forthwith  the  young  barrister  mounted.  The  trial  last- 
ed longer  than  the  dealer  thought  fair.  Instead  of  return- 
ing to  the  stables  in  the  course  of  the  afternoon,  Thurlow 
rode  off  to  Winchester ;  and  when  the  owner  of  the  steed 
again  looked  upon  his  property,  the  creature  had  visited 
every  town  on  the  circuit.  Together  with  the  horse,  the 
dealer  received  a  note  from  Thurlow,  intimating  that  "the 
animal,  notwithstanding  some  good  points,  did  not  altogeth- 
er suit  him." 


LABOR  IS  PLEASURE. 

Lord  Chancellor  King,  who  held  office  in  the  reigns  of 
George  I.  and  II.,  was,  like  Lord  Thurlow,  proud  of  his  ple- 
beian descent.  His  father  was  a  retail  grocer  and  salter  at 
Exeter.  The  chancellor  ascribed  all  his  success  in  life  to 
his  love  of  labor,  and  chose  for  his  motto,  "Labor  ipse  volup- 
tas."  An  admirer  has  paraphrased  this  sentiment  as  fol- 
lows, in  a  sketch  in  the  Biographia  Britannica : 

"  "Pis  not  the  splendor  of  the  place, 
The  gilded  coach,  the  purse,  the  mace, 
Nor  all  the  pompous  strains  of  state, 
With  crowds  that  at  your  levee  wait, 
That  make  you  happy,  make  you  great ; 
But  while  mankind  you  strive  to  bless, 
With  all  the  talents  you  possess, 
While  the  chief  joy  that  you  receive 
Arises  from  the  joy  you  give, 
Duty  and  taste  in  you  unite 
To  make  the  heavy  burden  light ; 
For  pleasure  rightly  understood 
Is  only  labor  to  be  good." 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  43 


PECULIARITIES  OF  LORD   CHANCELLOR  ELDOK 

It  is  very  easy  to  conceive  that  John  Scott  (Lord  Eldon) 
and  Lord  Thurlow  were  bosom  friends,  for  they  had  all 
the  bad  qualities  of  nature  in  common.  Eldon  was  equal- 
ly treacherous  and  uncouth  with  Thurlow,  and  more  penu- 
rious, as  well  as  much  wittier.  Under  his  supremacy,  the 
chancellor's  private  carriage  was  a  miserable,  battered,  jin- 
gling, ramshackle  coach,  drawn  by  two  lean,  luckless  brutes, 
that  roused  the  derision  of  the  street-boys.  Frequently  the 
chancellor,  purse  in  hand,  drove  from  Bedford  Square  or 
Hamilton  Place  to  Westminster  in  a  hackney-coach;  and 
on  one  occasion  he  actually  left  in  a  common  hackney-car- 
riage some  state  papers  of  high  importance.  Fortunately, 
the  driver  was  either  honest  or  drunk,  and  promptly  re- 
stored the  documents.  When  Lord  Eldon  and  Sir  Arthur 
Pigott  each  made  a  stand  in  court  for  his  favorite  pronunci- 
ation of  the  word  "lien" — Lord  Eldon  calling  the  word  lion, 
and  Sir  Arthur  maintaining  that  it  was  to  be  pronounced 
like  lean  —  Jekyll,  who  was  at  the  same  time*  the  bright- 
est wit  and  most  shameless  punster  of  Westminster  Hall, 
with  an  allusion  to  the  parsimonious  arrangements  of  the 
chancellor's  kitchen,  perpetrated  the  following  jeu  d?  esprit: 

"  Sir  Arthur,  Sir  Arthur,  why  what  do  you  mean 
By  saying  the  chancellor's  lion  is  lean  ? 
D'ye  think  that  his  kitchen's  so  bad  as  all  that, 
That  nothing  within  it  can  ever  get  fat  ?" 

The  anecdotes  illustrating  Lord  Eldon's  humor  are  not 
more  numerous  than  those  told  of  Thurlow ;  but  he  was 
frequently  the  occasion  of  wit  in  others,  and  it  is  notable 
that  he  very  sensibly  took  all  repartees  with  great  good 
grace.  He  was  noted  for  his  indecision  of  character  and 
manner,  and  many  of  his  judgments  were  apparently  in- 
fluenced by  the  last  arguments  which  he  heard.  Sir 


44  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


George  Rose,  whose  court  witticisms  form  a  chapter  of 
themselves,  alluding  to  this  characteristic  weakness  of  the 
chancellor,  once  wrote  the  following  lines : 

"  Mr.  Leech  made  a  speech, 

Pithy,  clear,  and  strong ; 
Mr.  Hart,  on  the  other  part, 

Was  prosy,  dull,  and  long ; 
Mr.  Parker  made  that  darker 

Which  was  dark  enough  without ; 
Mr.  Bell  spoke  so  well 

That  the  chancellor  said,  '  I  doubt.' " 

Far  from  being  offended  by  this  allusion  to  his  notorious 
mental  infirmity,  Lord  Eldon,  shortly  after  the  verses  had 
floated  into  circulation,  concluded  one  of  his  decisions  by 
saying,  with  a  significant  smile,  "  And  here,  Mr.  Rose,  the 
chancellor  does  not  do'uht" 

Like  his  friend  Thurlow,  Lord  Eldon  could  weep  when 
art  required  it,  and  on  one  occasion,  by  practicing  that  the- 
atrical artifice,  drew  down  upon  himself  the  bitter  sarcasm 
of  Home  Tooke.  It  was  at  the  trial  of  Tooke  that  this  oc- 
curred. Erskine  had  made  some  reflection  on  Eldon's 
character,  and  he,  in  reply,  said,  "I  can  endure  any  thing 
but  an  attack  on  my  good  name.  My  good  name  is  the 
little  patrimony  I  have  to  leave  my  children,  and,  with 
God's  help,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  will  leave  it  to  them 
unimpaired."  As  he  uttered  these  words  tears  suffused  his 
eyes.  For  a  moment  Home  Tooke,  who  persisted  in  re- 
garding all  the  circumstances  of  his  perilous  position  as 
farcical,  smiled  at  the  lawyer's  outburst  with  silent  amuse- 
ment; but  as  soon  as  he  saw  a  sympathetic  brightness  in 
the  eyes  of  one  of  the  jury,  the  dexterous  demagogue,  with 
characteristic  humor  and  effrontery,  accused  Sir  John  Mit- 
ford,  the  solicitor  general,  of  needless  sympathy  with  the 
sentimental  disturbance  of  his  colleague.  "  Do  you  know 
what  Sir  John  Mitford  is  crying  about?"  the  prisoner  in- 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  45 

quired  of  the  jury.  "He  is  thinking  of  the  destitute  con- 
dition of  Lord  Eldon's  children,  and  the  little  patrimony 
they  are  likely  to  divide  among  them."  The  jury  and  all 
present  were  not  more  tickled  by  the  satire  upon  the  at- 
torney general  than  by  the  indignant  surprise  which  en- 
livened the  face  of  Sir  John  Mitford,  who  was  not  at  all 
prone  to  tears,  and  had  certainly  manifested  no  pity  for 
Lord  Eldon's  forlorn  condition. 

One  of  the  best  stories  pinned  upon  Lord  Eldon  relates 
to  a  challenge  which  an  indignant  suitor  is  said  to  have 
sent  to  him,  demanding  reparation  for  insults  offered  by 
him  to  the  challenger.  In  a  trial  at  York  that  had  arisen 
from  a  horse-race,  it  was  stated  in  evidence  that  one  of  the 
conditions  of  the  race  required  that  "  each  horse  should  be 
ridden  by  a  gentleman."  The  race  having  been  run,  the 
holders  refused  to  pay  the  stakes  to  the  winner  on  the 
ground  that  he  was  not  a  gentleman;  whereupon  the 
equestrian  whose  gentility  was  thus  called  in  question 
brought  an  action  for  the  money.  After  a  very  humorous 
inquiry,  which  terminated  in  a  verdict  for  the  defendants, 
the  plaintiff  challenged  the  defendant's  counsel,  Lord  El- 
don, for  maintaining  that  he  was  no  gentleman ;  to  which 
invitation  reply  was  made  that  the  challenged  "  could  not 
think  of  fighting  one  who  had  been  found  no  gentleman  by 
the  solemn  verdict  of  twelve  of  his  countrymen." 

James  Boswell — Sam  Johnson's  Boswell — was  one  of 
Eldon's  aversions ;  and  one  of  the  chancellor's  smartest 
speeches  was  his  reply  to  Boswell's  importunate  entreaties 
for  a  definition  of  the  word  "  taste." 

"Well,  then,  Boswell,"  he  said,  "we  must  have  an  end 
of  this.  '  Taste,'  according  to  my  definition,  is  the  judg- 
ment you  manifested  when  you  determined  to  quit  Scot- 
land, and  come  to  the  south." 

Eldon  was  equally  noted  for  his  gallantry  and  vanity. 


46  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"What  a  lovely  -woman!"  was  his  exclamation,  upon  pass- 
ing a  beauty  when  pacing  up  and  down  Westminster  Hall 
previous  to  the  opening  of  the  court. 

"What  an  excellent  judge!"  said  the  lady,  when  her 
sensitive  ear  caught  the  flattering  decree  of  the  Lord  High 
Chancellor  of  England. 

Singular  enough,  both  Thurlow  and  Eldon  displayed 
great  good  sense,  liberality,  and  humanity  in  the  dispersal 
of  the  ecclesiastical  patronage  which  belonged  to  the  of- 
fice which  each  held,  and  many  are  the  good  stories  told 
of  interviews  between  them  and  the  clergymen  suing  for 
places  and  preferment. 

"Who  sent  you,  sir?"  Thurlow  asked  savagely  of  a 
country  curate,  who  had  boldly  forced  his  way  into  the 
chancellor's  library  in  Great  Ormond  Street  in  the  hope 
of  winning  the  presentation  to  a  vacant  living.  "  In  whose 
name  do  you  come  that  you  venture  to  pester  me  about 
your  private  affairs?  I  say,  sir,  what  great  lord  sent  you 
to  bother  me  in  my  house  ?" 

"My  lord,"  answered  the  applicant,  with  a  happy  com- 
bination of  dignity  and  humor,  "  no  great  man  supports 
my  entreaty;  but  I  may  say  with  honesty  that  I  come  to 
you  in  the  name  of  the  Lord  of  Hosts." 

Pleased  by  the  spirit  and  wit  of  the  reply,  Thurlow  ex- 
claimed, "The  Lord  of  Hosts !  the  Lord  of  Hosts !  You  are 
the  first  person  that  ever  applied  to  me  in  that  lord's 
name ;  and  though  his  title  can't  be  found  in  the  peerage, 
by you  shall  have  the  living." 

On  another  occasion  the  same  chancellor  was  less  benign, 
but  not  less  just,  to  a  clerical  applicant  Sustained  by 
Queen  Charlotte's  personal  favor  and  intercession  with 
Thurlow,  the  clergyman  in  question  felt  so  sure  of  obtain- 
ing the  valuable  "living  which  was  the  object  of  his  ambi- 
tion, that  he  regarded  his  interview  with  the  chancellor  as 
a  purely  formal  affair. 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  47 

"I  have,  sir,"  observed  Lord  Thurlow,  "received  a  let- 
ter from  the  curate  of  the  parish  to  which  it  is  my  inten- 
tion to  prefer  you,  and,  on  inquiry,  I  find  him  to  be  a  very 
worthy  man.  The  father  of  a  large  family,  and  a  priest 
who  has  labored  zealously  in  the  parish  for  many  years,  he 
has  written  to  me,  not  asking  for  the  living,  but  modestly 
entreating  me  to  ask  the  new  rector  to  retain  him  as  cu- 
rate. Now,  sir,  you  would  oblige  me  by  promising  me  to 
employ  the  poor  man  in  that  capacity." 

"My  lord,"  replied  Queen  Charlotte's  protege,  "it  would 
give  me  great  pleasure  to  oblige  your  lordship  in  this  mat- 
ter, but,  unfortunately,  I  have  arranged  to  take  a  personal 
friend  for  my  curate." 

His  eyes  flashing  angrily,  Thurlow  answered,  "  Sir,  I  can 
not  force  you  to  take  this  worthy  man  for  your  curate,  but 

I  can  make  him  the  rector ;  and  by he  shall  have  the 

living,  and  be  in  a  position  to  offer  you  the  curacy." 

And  forthwith,  to  the  applicant's  inexpressible  surprise 
and  chagrin,  the  chancellor's  words  were  carried  out. 

Dating  the  letter  from  No.  2  Charlotte  Street,  Pimlico, 
Lord  Eldon's  eldest  son  sent  his  father  the  following  anon- 
ymous epistle  : 

"  Hear,  generous  lawyer !  hear  my  prayer, 
Nor  let  my  freedom  make  you  stare, 

In  hailing  you  Jack  Scott ! 
Tho'  now  upon  the  woolsack  placed, 
With  wealth,  with  power,  with  title  graced, 

Once  nearer  was  our  lot. 
"  Say  by  what  name  the  hapless  bard 
May  best  attract  your  kind  regard — 

Plain  Jack  ?  Sir  John  ?  or  Eldon  ? 
Give,  from  your  ample  store  of  giving, 
A  starving  priest  some  little  living — 

The  world  will  cry  'Well  done.' 
"  In  vain,  without  a  patron's  aid, 
I've  prayed  and  preached,  and  preached  and  prayed — 

Applauded,  but  ill  fed. 


48  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Such  vain  eclat  let  others  share ; 
Alas,  I  can  not  feed  on  air — 

I  ask  not  praise,  but  bread." 

Satisfactorily  hoaxed  by  the  rhymer,  the  chancellor  went  to 
Pimlico  in  search  of  the  clerical  poetaster,  and  found  him  not. 

Prettier,  though  less  comic,  is  the  story  of  Miss  Bridge's 
morning  call  upon  Lord  Eldon.  The  chancellor  was  sitting 
in  his  study  over  a  table  of  papers,  when  a  young  and  love- 
ly girl — slightly  rustic  in  her  attire,  slightly  embarrassed 
by  the  novelty  of  her  position,  but  thoroughly  in  command 
of  her  wits — entered  the  room  and  walked  up  to  the  law- 
yer's chair. 

"  My  dear,"  said  the  chancellor,  rising  and  bowing  with 
Old-world  courtesy,  "who  are  you?" 

"Lord  Eldon,"  answered  the  blushing  maiden,  "I  am 
Bessie  Bridge,  of  Weobly,  the  daughter  of  the  Vicar  of 
Weobly,  and  papa  has  sent  me  to  remind  you  of  a  promise 
which  you  made  him  when  I  was  a  little  baby,  and  you 
were  a  guest  in  his  house  on  the  occasion  of  your  first  elec- 
tion as  member  of  Parliament  for  Weobly." 

"  A  promise,  my  dear  young  lady?"  interposed  the  chan- 
cellor, trying  to  recall  how  he  had  pledged  himself. 

"Yes,  Lord  Eldon,  a  promise.  You  were  standing  over 
my  cradle  when  papa  said  to  you, '  Mr.  Scott,  promise  me 
that  if  ever  you  are  lord  chancellor  when  my  little  girl  is  a 
poor  clergyman's  wife,  you  will  give  her  husband  a  living;' 
and  you  answered,  '  Mr.  Bridge,  my  promise  is  not  worth 
half  a  crown,  but  I  give  it  to  you,  wishing  it  were  worth 
more.' " 

Enthusiastically  the  chancellor  exclaimed, 

"You  are  quite  right.  I  admit  the  obligation.  I  re- 
member all  about  it ;"  and  then,  after  a  pause,  archly  sur- 
veying the  damsel,  whose  graces  were  the  reverse  of  mat- 
ronly, he  added,  "But  surely  the  time  for  keeping  my 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  49 

promise  has  not  yet  arrived  ?  You  can  not  be  any  one's 
wife  at  present  ?" 

For  a  few  seconds  Bessie  hesitated  for  an  answer,  and 
then,  with  a  blush  and  a  ripple  of  silver  laughter,  she  re- 
plied, 

"  No,  but  I  do  so  wish  to  be  somebody's  wife.  I  am  en- 
gaged to  a  young  clergyman  ;  and  there's  a  living  in  Here- 
fordshire near  my  old  home  that  has  recently  fallen  vacant, 
and  if  you'll  give  it  to  Alfred,  why  then,  Lord  Eldon,  we 
shall  marry  before  the  end  of  the  year." 

Is  there  need  to  say  that  the  chancellor  forthwith  sum- 
moned his  secretary,  that  the  secretary  forthwith  made  out 
the  presentation  to  Bessie's  lover,  and  that,  having  given 
the  chancellor  a  kiss  of  gratitude,  Bessie  made  good  speed 
back  to  Herefordshire,  hugging  the  precious  document  the 
whole  way  home? 

A  bad  but  eager  sportsman,  Lord  Eldon  used  to  blaze 
away  at  his  partridges  and  pheasants  with  such  uniform 
want  of  success,  that  his  younger  brother,  Lord  Stowell, 
had  truth  as  well  as  humor  on  his  side  when  he  observed, 
"  My  brother  has  done  much  execution  this  shooting-sea- 
son ;  with  his  gun  he  has  kitted  a  great  deal  of  time"  Hav- 
ing ineffectually  discharged  two  barrels  at  a  covey  of  par- 
tridges, the  chancellor  was  slowly  walking  to  the  gate  of 
one  of  his  Encombe  turnip-fields  when  a  stranger  of  clerical 
garb  and  aspect  hailed  him  from  a  distance,  asking, "  Where 
is  Lord  Eldon?"  Not  anxious  to  declare  himself  to  the 
witness  of  his  ludicrously  bad  shot,  the  chancellor  answer- 
ed evasively,  and  with  scant  courtesy,  "  Not  far  off."  Dis- 
pleased with  the  tone  of  this  curt  reply,  the  clergyman  re- 
joined, "I  wish  you'd  use  your  tongue  to  better  purpose 
than  you  do  your  gun,  and  tell  me  civilly  where  I  can  find 
the  chancellor."  "  Well,"  responded  the  sportsman,  when 
he  had  slowly  approached  his  questioner,- "  here  you  see  the 

D 


50 


chancellor — I  am  Lord  Eldon."  It  was  an  untoward  intro- 
duction to  the  chancellor  for  the  strange  clergyman,  who 
had  traveled  from  the  north  of  Lancashire  to  ask  for  the 
presentation  to  a  vacant  living.  Partly  out  of  humorous 
compassion  for  the  applicant,  who  had  offered  rudeness,  if 
not  insult,  to  the  person  whom  he  was  most  anxious  to  pro- 
pitiate, partly  because,  on  inquiry,  he  ascertained  the  re- 
spectability of  the  applicant,  and  partly  because  he  wished 
to  seal  by  kindness  the  lips  of  a  man  who  could  report  on 
the  authority  of  his  own  eyes  that  the  best  lawyer  was  also 
the  worst  shot  in  all  England,  Eldon  gave  the  petitioner  the 
desired  preferment.  "  But  now,"  the  old  chancellor  used  to 
add  in  conclusion,  whenever  he  told  the  story,  "see  the  in- 
gratitude of  mankind.  It  was  not  long  before  a  large  pres- 
ent of  game  reached  me,  with  a  letter  from  my  new-made 
rector,  purporting  that  he  had  sent  it  me  because,  from 
what  he  had  seen  of  my  shooting,  he  supposed  I  must  be  badly 
off  for  game.  Think  of  turning  upon  me  in  this  way,  and 
wounding  me  in  my  tenderest  point." 

Among  Eldon's  humorous  answers  to  applications  for 
preferment  should  be  remembered  his  letter  to  Dr.  Fisher, 
of  the  Charter-house :  On  one  side  of  a  sheet  of  paper, 
"Dear  Fisher,  I  can  not  to-day  give  you  the  preferment 
for  which  you  ask. — I  remain  your  sincere  friend,  ELDON. 
— Turn  over  ;"  and  on  the  other  side,  "  I  gave  it  to  you  yes- 
terday." 


AN  ENGLISH  "APPLE-SASS  CASE." 

Every  American  has  either  seen  or  heard  of  Owens's  com- 
ical representation  of  the  old  farmer  who  is  involved  in  a 
suit  for  the  recovery  of  a  "  barrell  of  apple-sass."  Many  of 
them  will  be  surprised  that  there  is  an  English  foundation 
for  that  humorous  idea,  and  that  no  less  a  dignitary  than 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  51 

Lord  Chancellor  Eldon  was  the  judge  in  the  case,  which  be- 
came familiarly  known  as  the  "apple-pie  case."  In  the 
early  months  of  Eldon's  married  life,  while  playing  the  part 
of  an  Oxford  don,  he  was  required  to  decide  in  an  import- 
ant action  brought  by  two  undergraduates  against  the  cook 
of  University  College.  The  plaintiffs  declared  that  the  cook 
had  "sent  to  their  rooms  an  apple-pie  that  could  not  be  eat- 
en" The  defendant  pleaded  that  he  had  a  remarkably  fine 
fillet  of  veal  in  the  kitchen.  Having  set  aside  this  plea  on 
grounds  obvious  to  the  legal  mind,  and  not  otherwise  than 
manifest  to  unlearned  laymen,  Eldon  ordered  the  apple-pie 
to  be  brought  in  court;  but  the  messenger  dispatched  to 
do  the  judge's  bidding  returned  with  the  astounding  intel- 
ligence that  during  the  progress  of  the  litigation  a  party  of 
undergraduates  had  actually  devoured  the  pie — fruit  and 
crust.  Nothing  but  the  pan  was  left.  Judgment :  "  The 
charge  here  is,  that  the  cook  has  sent  up  an  apple-pie  that 
can  not  be  eaten.  Now  that  can  not  be  said  to  have  been 
uneatable  which  has  been  eaten ;  and  as  this  apple-pie  has 
been  eaten,  it  was  eatable.  Let  the  cook  be  absolved." 


THE  WIT  AND  HUMOR  OF   LORD  ERSKINE. 

Lord  Chancellor  Erskine's  character,  as  preserved,  is  not 
much  better  than  that  of  his  rival  Eldon,  though  he  was  not 
so  coarse.  His  high  place  among  political  barristers  is  ren- 
dered all  the  more  remarkable  by  his  comparative  failure 
as  a  parliamentary  debater.  Extreme  in  his  political  views, 
he  made  his  place,  and,  to  a  great  degree,  kept  it,  at  the  bar, 
by  acting  the  part  of  the  forensic  champion  of  Liberal  opin- 
ions ;  but  though  his  services  to  the  popular  party  were  al- 
most inestimable,  and  though  his  more  inflammatory  ora- 
tions raised  in  the  middle  and  lower  classes  of  the  country 
a  spirit  of  generous  intolerance  of  oppression,  he  was  never 


52  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


a  really  effective  speaker  in  either  House  of  Parliament, 
and  as  a  senator  in  either  assembly  he  had  scarcely  any 
more  weight  than  an  ordinary  member.  His  first  speech 
in  the  House  of  Commons  was  a  humiliating  miscarriage ; 
and,  unlike  Sheridan,  Disraeli,  and  other  brilliant  debaters 
who  commenced  parliamentary  life  with  an  oratorical  fiasco, 
he  never  obliterated  the  unfavorable  impression  of  his  maid- 
en effort 

He  never  altogether  overcame  the  effects  of  his  unfor- 
tunate debut  in  the  Commons,  where  Pitt,  having  worsted 
him  at  the  outset,  treated  him  with  undeserved  disrespect 
and  contemptuous  hostility  to  the  last ;  and  in  the  Upper 
House  he  never  did  justice  to  his  powers,  though  he  was 
upon  the  whole  a  personally  popular  and,  at  times,  a  loqua- 
cious rather  than  eloquent  member.  But  though  his  par- 
liamentary career  was  at  best  one  of  inferior  distinction,  he 
was  emphatically  a  political  barrister.  In  private  life,  as 
well  as"in  public,  he  was  at  all  times  a  keen,  though  never 
an  acrimonious  politician,  displaying  the  strength  of  his 
eonvictions  in  modes  that  were  usually  forcible,  and  some- 
times whimsical.  Thus  his  fantastic  motto,  "  Trial  by  Jury," 
was  an  avowal  of  political  feeling  rather  than  a  professional 
sentiment.  Nor  was  his  political  fervor  more  remarkable 
than  his  political  disinterestedness  and  consistency.  Eldon 
was  equally  firm  and  thorough,  but  his  disinterestedness 
was  never  fairly  put  to  trial.  Erskine's  public  virtue,  on 
the  other  hand,  was  tested  by  temptation. 

The  prevailing  amiability  of  Erskine's  disposition  may  be 
seen  in  the  good-nature  of  hisjeux  d?  esprit.  Known  as  a  wit 
far  more  than  as  an  orator,  and  fully  conscious  of  the  power 
which  his  light  satiric  faculty  gave  him  over  juries,  he  was 
perpetually  winning  men's  opinions  by  tickling  their  sense 
of  humor ;  but  though  a  volume  might  be  made  up  of  his 
bright  sayings  and  inimitable  drolleries,  the  occasions  when 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  53 

he  wounded  the  susceptibilities  of  a  fellow-creature  merely 
for  the  sake  of  a  jest  could  be  counted  on  ten  fingers.  Ex- 
periencing no  mercy  from  his  opponents,  he  never  repaid 
coarseness  with  cruelty.  In  moments  of  the  most  intense 
excitement  he  was  saved  by  thorough  gentlemanliness 
rather  than  by  caution  from  those  indiscretions  of  speech 
which  nervous  talkers  so  frequently  commit  at  the  sugges- 
tion of  fancy  and  under  the  spur  of  irritation. 

When  Thelwall,  instead  of  regarding  his  advocate  with 
grateful  silence,  insisted  on  interrupting  him  with  vexatious 
remarks  and  impertinent  criticisms,  Erskine  neither  threw 
up  his  brief  nor  lost  his  temper,  but  retorted  with  an  inno- 
cent flash  of  merriment.  To  a  slip  of  paper  on  which  the 
prisoner  had  written,  "  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  don't  plead  my 
own  cause,"  he  contented  himself  with  returning  answer, 
"  You'll  be  hanged  if  you  do."  Some  of  his  puns  would 
have  been  bad  had  they  come  from  the  lips  of  any  other 
man ;  but  he  uttered  them  with  such  spirit  and  with  such 
an  appearance  of  irrepressible  gayety  of  heart  that  they  were 
irresistible  to  hearers  accustomed  to  hear  good  things — to 
hearers,  moreover,  who  would  gladly  have  persuaded  them- 
selves that  the  people's  advocate,  instead  of  being  a  man  of 
genius,  was  a  compound  of  buffoon  and  demagogue.  His 
mots  were  often  excellent,  but  it  was  the  tone  and  joyous 
animation  of  the  speaker  that  gave  them  their  charm. 

Counselor  Lamb,  an  old  man  when  Lord  Erskine  was  at 
the  height  of  his  reputation,  was  a  man  of  timid  manners 
and  nervous  temperament,  and  usually  prefaced  his  plea 
with  an  apology  to  that  effect.  On  one  occasion,  when  op- 
posed to  Erskine,  he  happened  to  remark  that  he  felt  him- 
self growing  more  and  more  timid  as  he  grew  older.  "  No 
wonder,"  replied  the  witty  barrister,  good-naturedly,  "every 
one  knows  that  the  older  a  lamb  grows  the  more  sheepish 
he  becomes." 


54  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Erskine's  humanity  toward  animals  is  perpetuated  in  his 
bill  "  For  the  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Animals,"  in  one  of 
his  speeches  upon  which  measure  he  passionately  observed, 
"As  to  the  tendency  of  barbarous  sports  of  any  description 
whatsoever,  to  nourish  the  natural  characteristic  of  manli- 
ness and  courage — the  only  shadow  of  argument  I  ever 
heard  on  such  occasions — all  I  can  say  is  this,  that  from  the 
mercenary  battles  of  the  lowest  of  beasts — human  boxers — 
up  to  those  of  the  highest  and  noblest  that  are  tormented  by 
man  for  his  degrading  pastime,  I  enter  this  public  protest 
against  such  reasoning.  I  never  knew  a  man  remarkable  for 
heroic  bearing  whose  very  aspect  was  not  lighted  up  by  gen- 
tleness and  humanity ;  nor  a  Idll-and-eat-him  countenance 
that  did  not  cover  the  heart  of  a  bully  or  a  poltroon."  Of 
many  quaint  stories  illustrating  his  fine  tenderness  for  the 
mute  creation,  one  may  be  inserted  in  this  paragraph.  Hav- 
ing expostulated  with  a  ruffian  for  violently  beating  a  feeble 
and  emaciated  horse,  he  was  asked  by  the  rascal,  "  Why ! 
it  is  my  own,  mayn't  I  use  it  as  I  please?"  The  man's  tone 
heightened  the  insolence  of  his  words,  and,  having  uttered 
them,  he  renewed  his  attack  on  the  poor  brute.  In  a  trice 
Erskine,  who  was  armed  with  a  stout  cane,  gave  the  offend- 
er a  sound  thrashing.  "  What  right  have  you  to  strike 
me?"  roared  the  fellow,  beside  himself  with  rage  and  pain. 
"Pooh,  man!"  replied  the  executioner,  "my  stick  is  my 
own,  mayn't  I  use  it  as  I  please  ?"  Erskine's  reply  to  Sir 
John  Sinclair's  solicitation  for  a  subscription  to  the  testimo- 
nial which  Sir  John  invited  the  nation  to  present  to  him- 
self is  his  neatest  joke.  On  the  one  side  of  a  sheet  of  paper 
the  letter  ran,  "  My  dear  Sir  John,  I  am  certain  there  are 
few  in  this  kingdom  who  set  a  higher  value  on  your  serv- 
ices than  myself,  and  I  have  the  honor  to  subscribe,"  on  the 
other  side  it  concluded,  "  myself  your  obedient  faithful  serv- 
ant, ERSKINE." 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  55 


JUDICIAL   INCOMPETENCY  OF  VAEIOUS   LORD   CHANCEL- 

LOES. 

Ignorant  lord  chancellors  were  more  numerous  than 
witty  ones; 'and  some  who  are  generally  received  at  the 
present  time  as  of  superior  judgment  were  really  men  of 
great  ignorance.  From  the  days  of  Wriothesley,  who  may 
be  regarded  as  the  most  conspicuous  and  unquestionable 
instance  of  judicial  incompetency  in  the  annals  of  English 
lawyers,  the  multitudes  have  always  delighted  in  stories 
that  illustrate  the  ignorance  and  incapacity  of  men  who  are 
presumed  to  possess,  by  right  of  their  office,  an  extraordi- 
nary share  of  knowledge  and  wisdom.  What  law  student 
does  not  rub  his  hands  as  he  reads  of  Lord  St.  John's 
trouble  during  term  while  he  held  the  seals,  and  of  the  im- 
patience with  which  he  looked  forward  to  the  long  vaca- 
tion, when  he  would  not  be  required  to  look  wise  and  speak 
authoritatively  about  matters  concerning  which  he  was 
totally  ignorant.  Delicious  are  the  stories  of  Francis  Ba- 
con's clerical  successor,  who  endeavored  to  get  up  a  quan- 
tum suff.  of  chancery  law  by  falling  on  his  knees  and  ask- 
ing enlightenment  of  Heaven. 

Lord  Campbell  is  looked  upon  by  the  general  public  as 
one  of  the  ablest  of  the  lord  chancellors  of  England — an  er- 
roneous idea,  based  chiefly  on  the  fact  that  he  rose  from  a 
reporter  in  Parliament  to  be  lord  chancellor.  His  judicial 
and  literary  merits  have  been  ridiculously  overrated.  His 
"Chancellors"  and  "Chief  Justices,"  the  volumes  on  which 
is  based  his  literary  reputation,  are  conspicuous  for  their 
many  inaccuracies,  and  for  the  total  absence  of  original 
thought  and  inquiry.  Written  without  due  deliberation  and 
without  adequate  research,  at  a  period  when  the  success- 
ful lawyer  had  neither  sufficient  political  excitement,  nor 
enough  professional  employment,  these  biographies  are 


56  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


hasty  compilations,  combining  new  mistakes  with  the  blun- 
ders of  inadvertence  or  prejudice,  or  sheer  ignorance  of  for- 
mer writers;  though,  taken  with  all  their  faults,  the  volumes 
have  good  qualities  and  purposes.  As  a  painter  of  the  social 
history  of  his  profession,  Campbell  is  still  without  an  equal ; 
and  by  keeping  him  in  the  memory  of  ordinary  readers, 
when  his  judgments  shall  be  forgotten  by  all  save  lawyers, 
his  books  will  undoubtedly  accomplish  the  hope  of  their 
author. 

Chancellor  Henry  Bathurst  was  also  held  in  low  esteem 
by  the  bar  on  account  of  his  ignorance ;  and  little  pains 
was  taken  by  his  contemporaries  to  conceal  their  contempt. 
Such  was  the  rage  for  attributing  foolish  speeches  to  him 
that  he  could  scarcely  open  his  lips  in  public  without  be- 
coming the  victim  of  malicious  misrepresentation.  Again 
and  again  has  the  story  been  told,  that  at  the  close  of  the 
trial  of  the  Duchess  of  Kingston  for  bigamy,  he  gravely  ad- 
dressed her  grace  in  the  following  terms :  "  Madam,  the 
lords  have  considered  the  charge,  and  evidence  brought 
against,  and  have  likewise  considered  of  every  thing  which 
you  have  alleged  in  your  defense;  and  upon  the  whole 
matter  their  lordships  have  found  you  not  guilty  of  the 
felony  wherewith  you  stand  charged;  but,  on  dismissing 
you,  their  lordships  earnestly  exhort  you  not  to  commit  the 
same  crime  a  second  time." 

A  good  story  is  told  of  Lord  Keeper  "Williams,  the  suc- 
cessor of  Francis  Bacon,  whose  incompetence  for  his  legal 
office  (though  he  had  been  thoroughly  educated  for  the 
pulpit)  was  a  jest  with  lawyers  of  every  grade.  Seizing  an 
opportunity  when  sudden  illness  had  deprived  the  lord 
keeper  of  the  saving  presence  of  his  master  of  the  rolls,  a 
malapert  counselor  rose  and  made  a  motion  which,  Wil- 
liams's  biographer  assures  us,  was  "crammed  like  a  grenade 
with  obsolete  words,  coins  of  far-fetched  antiquity,  which 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  57 

had  long  been  disused.  With  these  misty  and  recondite 
phrases  he  thought  to  leave  Williams  groping  about  in  the 
dark."  But  on  this  occasion  impudence  met  with  signal 
discomfiture ;  for  with  equal  readiness  and  good  temper  the 
lord  keeper  completely  turned  the  tables  on  his  adversary. 
With  a  serious  face  the  lord  keeper  answered  him  in  a 
cluster  of  most  crabbed  motions  picked  out  of  metaphysics 
and  logic,  as  "  categorematical"  and  "  syncategorematical," 
and  a  deal  of  such  drumming  stuff,  that  the  motioner,  being 
foiled  at  his  own  weapon,  and  well  laughed  at  in  the  court, 
went  home  with  a  new  lesson — that  he  that  tempts  a  wise 
man  in  jest  shall  make  a  fool  of  himself  in  earnest. 

A  good  story  is  told  of  Lord  Keeper  Kenyon,  in  which 
he  is  represented  as  at  once  guilty  of  bombast  in  his  style, 
and  of  perpetrating  a  very  ludicrous  Irish  bull.  He  was 
passing  sentence  on  a  dishonest  butler,  who  had  been  con- 
victed of  stealing  large  quantities  of  wine  from  his  master's 
cellar.  "Prisoner  at  the  bar,"  the  judge  is  reported  to 
have  said,  "  you  stand  convicted  on  the  most  conclusive 
evidence  of  a  crime  of  inexpressible  atrocity — a  crime  that 
defiles  the  sacred  springs  of  domestic  confidence,  and  is  cal- 
culated to  strike  alarm  into  the  breast  of  every  Englishman 
who  invests  largely  in  the  choicer  vintages  of  Southern 
Europe.  Like  the  serpent  of  old,  you  have  stung  the  hand 
of  your  protector.  Fortunate  in  having  a  generous  em- 
ployer, you  might,  without  dishonesty,  have  continued  to 
supply  your  wretched  wife  and  children  with  the  comforts 
of  sufficient  prosperity,  and  even  with  some  of  the  luxuries 
of  affluence ;  but  dead  to  every  claim  of  natural  affection, 
and  blind  to  your  own  real  interests,  you  burst  through  all 
the  restraints  of  religion  and  morality,  and  have  for  many 
years  been  feathering  your  nest  with  your  master's  bottles" 

Kenyon  was  really  ignorant,  and  this  Hibernicism  was 
owing  to  his  stupidity.  The  best  illustration  of  his  imbe- 


58  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


cility,  and  his  singular  mistakes  in  using  metaphorical 
language,  is  his  "great"  oration  made  at  the  trial  of  Wil- 
liams for  publishing  Tom  Paine's  "Age  of  Keason,"  when 
the  learned  judge,  in  his  summing  up,  observed,  "Christian- 
ity, from  its  earliest  institution,  met  with  its  opposers.  The 
professors  were  very  soon  called  upon  to  publish  their 
'  Apologies'  for  the  doctrines  they  had  embraced.  In  what 
manner  they  did  that,  and  whether  they  had  the  advantage 
of  their  adversaries,  or  sunk  under  the  superiority  of  their 
arguments,  mankind  for  near  two  thousand  years  have  had 
the  opportunity  of  judging.  They  have  seen  what  Julian, 
Justin  Martyr,  and  other  apologists  have  written,  and  have 
been  of  opinion  that  the  argument  was  in  favor  of  those 
publications."  Telling  this  story  in  his  own  way,  and  im- 
proving it — as  he  was  fully  justified  in  doing — Coleridge 
in  the  "  Table  Talk"  assures  his  readers  that  Lord  Kenyon, 
in  his  address  to  the  jury  in  a  trial  for  blasphemy,  said, 
"Above  all,  gentlemen,  need  I  name  to  you  the  Emperor 
Julian,  who  was  so  celebrated  for  the  practice  of  every 
Christian  virtue  that  he  was  called  Julian  the  Apostle?" 


LORD  KENYON'S  PENURIOUSNESS.. 

Penurious  lawyers  were  as  numerous  as  witty  ones  at 
the  English  bar  in  the  past  ages.  Lord  Kenyon  was  noted 
for  his  sordid  attire.  While  he  was  a  leading  advocate 
within  the  bar,  his  ordinary  costume  would  have  disgraced 
a  copying-clerk ;  and,  during  his  later  years,  it  was  a  ques- 
tion among  barristers  whether  his  breeches  were  made  of 
velvet  or  leather.  The  wits  maintained  that,  when  he  kiss- 
ed hands  upon  his  elevation  to  the  attorney's  place,  he 
went  to  court  in  a  second-hand  suit  purchased  from  Lord 
Stormont's  valet.  In  the  letter  attributed  to  him  by  a  clev- 
er writer  in  the  "Eolliad"  he  is  made  to  say,  "My  income 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  59 

has  been  cruelly  estimated  at  seven,  or,  as  some  will  have 
it,  eight  thousand  pounds  per  annum.  I  shall  save  myself 
the  mortification  of  denying  that  I  am  rich,  and  refer  you 
to  the  constant  habits  and  whole  tenor  of  my  life.  The 
proof  to  my  friends  is  easy.  My  tailor's  bill  for  the  last 
fifteen  years  is  a  record  of  the  most  indisputable  authority. 
Malicious  souls  may  direct  you,  perhaps,  to  Lord  Stor- 
mont's  valet  de  chambre,  and  can  vouch  the  anecdote  that, 
on  the  day  when  I  kissed  hands  for  my  appointment  to  the 
office  of  attorney  general,  I  appeared  in  a  laced  waistcoat 
that  once  belonged  to  his  master.  I  bought  the  waistcoat, 
but  despise  the  insinuation ;  nor  is  this  the  only  instance 
in  which  I  am  obliged  to  diminish  my  wants  and  apportion 

them  to  my  very  limited  means.     Lady  K will  be  my 

witness  that,  until  my  last  appointment,  I  was  an  utter 
stranger  to  the  luxury  of  a  pocket-handkerchief."  The 
pocket-handkerchief  which  then  came  into  his  possession 
was  supposed  to  have  been  found  in  the  pocket  of  the  sec- 
ond-hand waistcoat ;  and  Jekyll  always  maintained  that,  as 
it  was  not  considered  in  the  purchase,  it  remained  the  val- 
et's property,  and  did  not  pass  into  the  lawyer's  rightful 
possession.  This  was  the  only  handkerchief  which  Lord 
Kenyon  is  said  to  have  ever  possessed,  and  Lord  Ellenbor- 
ough  alluded  to  it  when,  in  a  conversation  that  turned 
upon  the  economy  which  the  income-tax  would  necessitate 
in  all  ranks  of  life,  he  observed,  "  Lord  Kenyon,  who  is  not 
very  nice,  intends  to  meet  the  crisis  by  laying  down  his 
handkerchief." 

Of  his  two  wigs  (one  considerably  less  worn  than  the 
other)  and  of  his  two  hats  (the  better  of  which  would  not 
have  greatly  disfigured  an  old-clothes  man,  while  the  worse 
would  have  been  of  service  to  a  professional  scarecrow) 
Lord  Kenyon  took  jealous  care.  The  inferior  wig  was  al- 
ways worn  with  the  better  hat,  and  the  more  dilapidated 


60  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


hat  with  the  superior  wig;  and  it  was  noticed  that  when 
he  appeared  in  court  with  the  shabbier  wig  he  never  re- 
moved his  chapeau ;  whereas,  on  the  days  when  he  sat  in 
his  more  decent  wig,  he  pushed  his  old  cocked  hat  out  of 
sight.  In  the  privacy  of  his  house,  and  in  his  carriage 
whenever  he  traveled  beyond  the  limits  of  town,  he  used 
to  lay  aside  wig  and  hat,  and  cover  his  head  with  an  old 
red  night-cap.  Concerning  his  great -coat,  the  original 
blackness  of  which  had  been  tempered  by  long  usage  into 
a  fuscous  green,  capital  tales  were  fabricated.  The  wits 
could  not  spare  even  his  shoes.  "  Once,"  Dr.  Dibdin  grave- 
ly narrated,  "  in  the  case  of  an  action  brought  for  the  non- 
fulfillment of  a  contract  on  a  large  scale  for  shoes,  the  ques- 
tion mainly  was,  whether  or  not  they  were  well  and  sound- 
ly made,  and  with  the  best  materials.  A  number  of  wit- 
nesses were  called,  one  of  them,  a  first-rate  character  in  the 
gentle  craft,  being  closely  questioned,  returned  contradicto- 
ry answers,  when  the  chief  justice  observed,  pointing  to  his 
own  shoes,  which  were  regularly  bestridden  by  the  broad 
silver  buckle  of  the  day,  '  Were  the  shoes  any  thing  like 
these?'  'No,  my  lord,'  replied  the  evidence,  'they  were  a 
good  deal  better,  and  more  genteeler.' "  Dr.  Dibdin  is  at 
needless  pains  to  assure  his  readers  that  the  shoemaker's 
answer  was  followed  by  uproarious  laughter. 

Under  the  steadily  strengthening  spell  of  avarice,  he 
ceased  to  invite  even  old  friends  to  his  table;  and  it  was 
rumored  that,  in  course  of  time,  his  domestic  servants  com- 
plained with  reason  that  they  were  required  to  consume 
the  same  fare  as  their  master  deemed  sufficient  for  himself. 
"  In  Lord  Kenyon's  house,"  a  wit  exclaimed,  "  all  the  year 
through  it  is  Lent  in  the  kitchen,  and  Passion  Week  in  the 
parlor."  Another  caustic  quidnunc  remarked,  "In  his 
lordship's  kitchen  the  fire  is  dull,  but  the  spits  are  always 
bright ;"  whereupon  Jekyll  interposed,  with  an  assumption 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  61 

of  testiness,  "  Spits !  in  the  name  of  common  sense  I  order 
you  not  to  talk  about  his  spits,  for  nothing  turns  upon 
them." 


ANECDOTES  OF  ELLENBOROUGH. 

Many  are  the  good  stories  told  of  "judicial  wigs,"  and 
among  the  best  of  them  is  the  anecdote  which  Samuel  Rog- 
ers delighted  to  tell  at  the  expense  of  Edward  Law  (Lord 
Ellenborough).  "  He  was  once  about  to  go  on  circuit,  when 
Lady  Ellenborough  said  that  she  should  like  to  accom- 
pany him.  He  replied  that  he  had  no  objection,  provided 
she  did  not  encumber  the  carriage  with  bandboxes,  which 
were  his  utter  abhorrence.  During  the  first  day's  journey 
Lord  Ellenborough,  happening  to  stretch  his  legs,  struck 
his  foot  against  something  below  the  seat;  he  discovered 
that  it  was  a  bandbox.  Up  went  the  window,  and  out 
went  the  bandbox.  The  coachman  stopped,  and  the  foot- 
man, thinking  that  the  bandbox  had  tumbled  out  of  the 
window  by  some  extraordinary  chance,  was  going  to  pick 
it  up,  when  Lord  Ellenborough  furiously  called  out,  '  Drive 
on!'  The  bandbox,  accordingly,  was  left  by  the  ditch- 
side.  Having  reached  the  county  town  where  he  was  to 
officiate  as  judge,  Lord  Ellenborough  proceeded  to  array 
himself  for  his  appearance  in  the  court-house.  'Now,' 
said  he,  '  where's  my  wig — where  is  my  wig?'  '  My  lord,' 
replied  his  attendant,  '  it  was  thrown  out  of  the  carriage 
window !' " 

Lord  Ellenborough,  great  wit  as  he  was,  as  frequently 
appears  as  the  cause  of  wit  in  others  as  in  the  character  it- 
self. One  of  the  most  amusing  stories  related  of  him  is 
that  relative  to  his  action  on  finding  himself  mimicked  by 
Charles  Mathews,  the  comedian.  In  personating  Counsel- 
or Flexible,  in  the  farce  entitled  "Love,  Law,  and  Physic," 


62  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


the  actor  greatly  delighted  his  house  by  imitations  of  Er- 
skine  and  Garrow,  and  drew  a  tempest  of  applause  by  his 
account  of  the  judge's  summing  up  in  the  case  of  Litigant 
vs.  Camphor.  "  When  he  came,"  says  Mrs.  Mathews,  in  her 
biography  of  the  actor,  "  to  the  judge's  summing  up,  the 
effect  was  quite  astounding  to  him,  for  he  had  no  idea  of 
its  being  so  received.  The  shout  of  recognition  and  enjoy- 
ment indeed  was  so  alarming  to  his  nerves,  so  unlike  all 
former  receptions  of  such  efforts,  that  he  repented  the  at- 
tempt in  proportion  as  it  was  well  taken,  and  a  call  for  it  a 
second  time  fairly  upset  him,  albeit  not  unused  to  loud  ap- 
plause and  approbation.  The  next  morning  every  paper 
informed  Lord  Ellenborough  how  he  had  been  made  the 
laugh  of  a  densely  crowded  theatre,  and  filled  him  with 
reasonable  fear  that  for  many  a  term  he  would  not  be  able 
to  raise  his  voice  in  his  own  court  without  throwing  coun- 
sel and  clients,  solicitors  and  suitors,  into  convulsions  of 
merriment.  Enraged  by  the  indignity,  he  wrote  for  pro- 
tection to  the  lord  chamberlain,  who,  with  equal  prudence 
and  tact,  soothed  the  anger  in  the  judicial  breast,  and  ob- 
tained from  the  actor  a  ready  promise  not  to  renew  his 
misconduct.  "Love, Law,  and  Physic"  was  not  withdrawn ; 
but  Counselor  Flexible  never  again  entertained  the  public 
with  the  "judge's  charge,"  although  it  was  vociferously  de- 
manded at  each  succeeding  presentation  of  the  farce.  To 
a  select  party  at  Carlton  House  the  comedian,  however, 
was  induced  to  repeat  the  imitation,  on  which  occasion 
the  prince-regent  and  his  brother  of  York  were  infinitely 
amused.  "  The  prince  was  in  raptures,"  the  wifely  biogra- 
pher assures  her  readers,  "  and  declared  himself  astonished 
at  the  closeness  of  the  imitation,  shutting  his  eyes  while  he 
listened  to  it  with  excessive  enjoyment,  and  many  exclama- 
tions of  wonder  and  delight,  such  as  { Excellent !'  '  Perfect !' 
'It  is  himself!'  The  Duke  of  York  manifested  his  ap- 
proval by  peals  of  laughter." 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  63 

Among  legal  wits,  Lord  Ellenborough.  enjoys  a  high 
place ;  and  though  in  dealing  out  satire  upon  barristers  and 
witnesses,  and  even  on  his  judicial  coadjutors,  he  was  often 
needlessly  severe,  he  seldom  perpetrated  a  jest  the  force  of 
which  lay  solely  in  its  cruelty.  Perhaps  the  most  harsh 
and  reprehensible  outburst  of  satiric  humor  recorded  of 
him  is  the  crushing  speech  by  which  he  ruined  a  young 
man  for  life.  "  The  unfortunate,  client  for  whom  it  is  my 
privilege  to  appear,"  said  a  young  barrister,  making  his 
first  essay  in  Westminster  Hall — the  unfortunate  client,  my 
lord,  for  whom  I  appear — hem !  hem ! — I  say,  my  lord,  my 
unfortunate  client — "  Leaning  forward,  and  speaking  in  a 
soft,  cooing  voice,  that  was  all  the  more  derisive  because  it 
was  so  gentle,  Lord  Ellenborough  said,  "You  may  go  on, 
sir — so  far  the  court  is  with  you."  One  would  have  liked 
his  lordship  better  had  he  sacrificed  his  jest  to  humanity, 
and  acted  as  long  afterward  that  true  gentleman,  Mr.  Jus- 
tice Talfourd,  acted,  who,  seeing  a  young  barrister  over- 
powered with  nervousness,  gave  him  time  to  recover  him- 
self by  saying,  in  the  kindest  possible  manner,  "Excuse  me 
for  interrupting  you — but  for  a  minute  I  am  not  at  liberty 
to  pay  you  attention."  Whereupon  the  judge  took  up  his 
pen  and  wrote  a  short  note  to  a  friend.  Before  the  note 
was  finished,  the  young  barrister  had  completely  recovered 
his  self-possession,  and,  by  an  admirable  speech,  secured  a 
verdict  for  his  client. 

Of  Lord  Ellenborough's  sarcastic  speeches  to  counsel 
who  consumed  his  time  to  no  good  purpose,  and  were  so 
well  known  among  solicitors  that  a  sharp  reproof  from 
a  judge's  lips  could  do  them  no  serious  harm,  nothing 
can  be  said  in  the  way  of  regret.  The  natural  ebulli- 
tions of  irritation  from  a  giant  toward  men  almost  as 
strong  and  quite  as  prosperous  as  himself,  they  rouse 
laughter,  without,  at  the  same  time,  offending  the  read- 


64  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


er's  generosity  and  love  of  fair  play.  Preston,  the  great 
conveyancer,  having  inflicted  on  the  court  an  unspeak- 
ably dreary  oration,  toward  the  close  of  the  day  asked 
when  it  would  be  their  lordships'  pleasure  to  hear  the  re- 
mainder of  his  argument ;  whereupon  Lord  Ellenborough 
uttered  a  sigh  of  resignation,  and  answered,  "  We  are 
bound  to  hear  you,  and  we  will  endeavor  to  give  you  our 
undivided  attention  on  Friday  next ;  but  as  for  pleasure, 
that,  sir,  has  been  long  out  of  the  question." 

Notwithstanding  his  high  reputation  for  wit,  Lord  Ellen- 
borough  would  deign  to  use  the  oldest  jests.  To  silence  a 
wearisome  talker,  he  would  pelt  him  with  puns  from  Joe 
Miller ;  but  though  his  missiles  were  of  the  cheapest  kind, 
and  picked  from  public  ground,  he  hurled  them  with  a 
force  and  precision  that  drew  the  applause  of  by-standers. 
Thus  of  Mr.  Caldecott,  who  over  and  over  again,  with  dull 
verbosity,  had  said  that  certain  limestone  quarries,  like  lead 
and  copper  mines,  "  were  not  ratable,  because  the  limestone 
could  only  be  reached  by  boring,  which  was  matter  of  sci- 
ence," he  gravely  inquired,  "  Would  you,  Mr.  Caldecott, 
have  us  believe  that  every  kind  of  boring  is  matter  of 
science  ?" 

With  finer  humor  he  nipped  in  the  bud  one  of  Randle 
Jackson's  flowery  harangues.  "  My  lords,"  said  the  orator, 
with  nervous  intonation,  "  in  the  book  of  nature  it  is  writ- 
ten— "  "  Be  kind  enough,  Mr.  Jackson,"  interposed  Lord 
Ellenborough,  "to  mention  the  page  from  which  you  are 
about  to  quote." 

This  calls  to  mind  the  ridicule  which,  at  an  earlier  period 
of  his  career,  he  cast  on  Sheridan  for  saying  at  the  trial  of 
Warren  Hastings,  "The  treasures  in  the  Zenana  of  the  Be- 
gum are  offerings  laid  by  the  hand  of  piety  on  the  altar 
of  a  saint."  To  this  not  too  rhetorical  statement,  Edward 
Law,  as  leading  counsel  for  Warren  Hastings,  replied  by 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  65 

asking,  "  how  the  lady  was  to  be  considered  a  saint,  and 
how  the  camels  were  to  be  laid  upon  the  altar?"  With 
greater  pungency  Sheridan  defended  himself  by  saying, 
"  This  is  the  first  time  in  my  life  that  I  ever  heard  of  spe- 
cial pleading  on  a  metaphor,  or  a  bill  of  indictment  against 
a  trope ;  but  such  is  the  turn  of  the  learned  gentleman's 
mind,  that  when  he  attempts  to  be  humorous  no  jest  can 
be  found,  and  when  serious  no  fact  is  visible." 

To  the  last  Ellenborough  delighted  to  point  the  ab- 
surdities of  orators  who,  in  aiming  at  the  sublime,  only 
achieved  the  ridiculous.  "  My  lords,"  said  Mr.  Graselee, 
arguing  that  mourning-coaches  at  a  funeral  were  not  liable 
to  post-horse  duty,  "  it  never  could  have  been  the  intention 
of  a  Christian  Legislature  to  aggravate  the  grief  which 
mourners  endure  while  following  to  the  grave  the  remains 
of  their  dearest  relatives,  by  compelling  them  at  the  same 
time  to  pay  the  horse-duty."  Had  Mr.  Gaselee  been  a  hu- 
morist, Lord  Ellenborough  would  have  laughed ;  but  as  the 
advocate  was  well  known  to  have  no  turn  for  raillery,  the 
chief  justice  gravely  observed,  "  Mr.  Gaselee,  you  incur 
danger  by  sailing  in  high  sentimental  latitudes." 

To  the  surgeon  in  the  witness-box  who  said,  "I  employ 
myself  as  a  surgeon,"  Lord  Ellenborough  retorted,  "  But 
does  any  body  else  employ  you  as  a  surgeon  ?" 

Yery  pungent  was  his  ejaculation  at  a  cabinet  dinner 
when  he  heard  that  Lord  Kenyon  was  about  to  close  his 
penurious  old  age  by  dying.  "Die!  why  should  he  die? 
what  would  he  get  by  that?"  interposed  Lord  Ellenborough, 
adding  to  the  pile  of  jests  by  which  men  have  endeavored 
to  keep  a  grim,  unpleasant  subject  out  of  sight  —  a  pile  to 
which  the  latest  mot  was  added  by  Lord  Palmerston,  who, 
during  his  last  attack  of  gout,  exclaimed,  playfully,  "  Die, 
my  dear  doctor !  That's  the  last  thing  I  think  of  doing." 

Having  jested  about  Kenyon's  parsimony  as  the  old  man 

E 


66  BENCH  AND  BAH. 


lay  in  extremis,  Ellenborough  placed  another  joke  of  the 
same  kind  upon  his  coffin.  Hearing  that  through  the  blun- 
der of  an  illiterate  undertaker  the  motto  on  Kenyon's 
hatchment  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields  had  been  painted  "Hors 
janua  vita"  instead  of  "  Mors  janua  vitse,"  he  exclaimed, 
"  Bless  you,  there's  no  mistake ;  Kenyon's  will  directed 
that  it  should  be  '  vita,'  so  that  his  estate  might  be  saved 
the  expense  of  a  diphthong." 

Capital  also  was  his  reply  when  Erskine  urged  him  to 
accept  the  great  seal.  "How  can  you,"  he  asked,  in  a  tone 
of  solemn  entreaty,  "  wish  me  to  accept  the  office  of  chan- 
cellor, when  you  know,  Erskine,  that  I  am  as  ignorant  of 
its  duties  as  you  are  yourself?" 


THE  WITTY  AND  ACCOMPLISHED  MANSFIELD. 

Lord  Chancellor  Mansfield,  unanimously  allowed  to  be 
the  most  accomplished  and  learned  lawyer  of  his  time,  was 
also  one  of  the  wittiest ;  and  many  are  the  stories  told  of 
his  sparkling  pleasantry.  His  story  of  his  advice  to  an  old 
army  officer  who  knew  nothing  of  law,  and  who  had  been 
appointed  governor  of  a  West  India  island,  is  related  in 
exquisite  style  by  Jeaffreson.  The  most  appalling  duty 
which  the  governor  had  to  perform  was  the  administration 
of  justice,  and  in  his  ignorance  he  addressed  Lord  Mans- 
field in  a  voice  of  great  concern,  saying  that  he  knew  noth- 
ing of  law,  and  asking  what  he  should  do  as  the  presiding 
officer  of  the  local  Court  of  Chancery  on  the  island  to 
which  he  was  going.  "  Tut,  man,"  said  Mansfield,  "  decide 
promptly,  but  never  give  any  reasons  for  your  decisiona 
Your  decisions  may  be  right,  but  your  reasons  are  sure  to 
be  wrong."  Acting  on  this  rule,  the  military  chancellor 
pushed  on  well  enough ;  but  in  an  evil  hour,  forgetting  the 
precept,  he  gave  his  first  good  decision,  and  it  was  imme- 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.  67 

diately  appealed  against.  Eecounting  the  story  to  his 
grandson,  Lord  Mansfield  said,  "I  was  two  or  three  years  aft- 
erward sitting  at  the  Cockpit  on  Plantation  Appeals,  when 
there  was  one  called  from  my  friend  and  pupil  the  general, 
which  the  losing  party  had  been  induced  to  bring  on  ac- 
count of  the  ludicrously  absurd  reasons  given  for  the  judg- 
ment, which,  indeed,  were  so  absurd  that  he  incurred  some 
suspicion  of  corruption,  and  there  was  a  clamor  for  his  re- 
call. Upon  examining  it,  I  found  that  the  judgment  itself 
was  perfectly  sound  and  correct.  Eegretting  that  my  ad- 
vice had  been  forgotten,  I  was  told  that  the  general  acquir- 
ing reputation  by  following  it,  began  to  suppose  himself  a 
great  lawyer,  and  that  this  case  brought  before  us  was  the 
first  in  which  he  had  given  his  reasons,  and  was  the  first 
appealed  against." 

Lord  Mansfield  had  a  great  abhorrence  of  the  penal  sys- 
tem of  England,  and  used  every  effort  to  have  it  modified. 
His  humanity  was  so  shocked  by  the  bare  thought  of  kill- 
ing a  man  for  committing  a  trifling  theft,  that  he  on  one 
occasion  ordered  a  jury  to  find  that  a  stolen  trinket  was 
of  less  value  than  forty  shillings,  in  order  that  the  thief 
might  escape  the  capital  sentence.  The  prosecutor,  a  dealer 
in  jewelry,  was  so  mortified  by  the  judge's  leniency  that 
he  exclaimed,  "What,  my  lord,  my  gold  trinket  not  worth 
forty  shillings  ?  Why,  the  fashion  alone  cost  me  twice  the 
money !"  Kemoving  his  glance  from  the  vindictive  trades- 
man, Lord  Mansfield  turned  toward  the  jury  and  said,  with 
solemn  gravity,  "  As  we  stand  in  need  of  God's  mercy,  gen- 
tlemen, let  us  not  hang  a  man  for  fashion's  sake." 

Lord  Mansfield,  when  simply  Counselor  Murray,  was 
one,  of  the  managers  for  the  impeachment  of  Lord  Lovat 
by  the  House  of  Commons,  in  1747,  and,  when  comment- 
ing on  the  evidence,  displayed  so  much  candor  and  modera- 
tion, that  the  celebrated  Lord  Talbot,  on  the  conclusion  of 


68  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


his  speech,  felt  called  upon  to  pay  him  the  following  en- 
thusiastic compliment :  "  The  abilities  of  the  learned  man- 
ager who  has  just  now  spoke  never  appeared  with  great- 
er splendor  than  at  this  very  hour,  when  his  candor  and 
humanity  have  been  joined  to  those  great  abilities  which 
have  already  made  him  so  conspicuous,  that  I  hope  to  see 
him  one  day  add  lustre  to  the  dignity  of  the  first  civil  em- 
ployment in  this  nation."  Lord  Lovat  himself  bore  re- 
markable testimony  to  the  abilities  and  fairness  of  his  ad- 
versary. Alluding  to  one  of  the  witnesses  on  the  trial,  he 
said,  "I  thought  myself  very  much  LOADED  by  one  Murray, 
who  your  lordships  knew  was  the  bitterest  evidence  there 
was  against  me.  I  have  since  suffered  by  another  Mr. 
Murray,  who  I  must  say  is  an  honor  to  his  country,  and 
whose  eloquence  and  learning  is  much  beyond  what  is  to 
be  expressed  by  an  ignorant  man  like  me.  I  heard  him 
with  pleasure,  though  it  was  against  me.  I  have  the  honor 
to  be  his  relation,  though  perhaps  he  neither  knows  it  nor 
values  it.  I  wish  that  his  being  born  in  the  North  may  not 
hinder  him  from  the  preferment  that  his  merit  and  learn- 
ing deserve." 

Lord  Mansfield  was  once  presiding  at  a  trial  consequent 
upon  a  collision  of  two  ships  at  sea,  when  a  common  sailor, 
while  giving  testimony,  said,  "  At  the  time  I  was  standing 
abaft  the  binnacle;"  whereupon  his  lordship,  with  a  proper 
desire  to  master  the  facts  of  the  case,  observed,  "  Stay,  stay 
a  minute,  witness ;  you  say  that  at  the  time  in  question  you 
were  standing  abaft  the  binnacle;  now  tell  me,  where  is  'abaft 
the  binnacle?"1  This  was  too  much  for  the  gravity  of 
"  the  salt,"  who  immediately  before  climbing  into  the  wit- 
ness-box had  taken  a  copious  draught  of  rum.  Eemoving 
his  eyes  from  the  bench,  and  turning  round  upon  the 
crowded  court  with  an  expression  of  intense  amusement, 
he  exclaimed  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  "  He's  a  pretty  fellow 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND.    .  69 

for  a  judge!  Bless  my  jolly  old  eyes! — [the  reader  may 
substitute  a  familiar  form  of  '  imprecation  on  eyesight'] — 
you  have  got  a  pretty  sort  of  a  land-lubber  for  a  judge! 
He  wants  me  tell  him  where  abaft  the  binnacle  is!"  Not 
less  amused  than  the  witness,  Lord  Mansfield  rejoined, 
"  Well,  my  friend,  you  must  fit  me  for  my  office  by  telling 
me  where  abaft  the  binnacle  is ;  you've  already  shown  me 
the  meaning  of  half-seas  over  /" 

On  one  occasion  Lord  Mansfield  covered  his  retreat  from 
an  untenable  position  with  a  sparkling  pleasantry.  An 
old  witness  named  Mm  having  given  his  evidence  with  re- 
markable clearness,  although  he  was  more  than  eighty 
years  of  age,  Lord  Mansfield  examined  him  as  to  his  habit- 
ual mode  of  living,  and  found  that  he  had  throughout 
life  been  an  early  riser,  and  a  singularly  temperate  man. 
"Ay,"  observed  the  chief  justice,  in  a  tone  of  approval,  "I 
have  always  found  that,  without  temperance  and  early  hab- 
its, longevity  is  never  attained."  The  next  witness,  the  eld- 
er brother  of  this  model  of  temperance,  was  then  called, 
and  he  almost  surpassed  his  brother  as  an  intelligent  and 
clear-headed  utterer  of  evidence.  "I  suppose,"  observed 
Lord  Mansfield,  "that  you  also  are  an  early  riser?"  "No, 
my  lord,"  answered  the  veteran  stoutly;  "I  like  my  bed  at 
all  hours,  and  specially  I  like  it  of  a  morning."  "  Ah  I 
but  like  your  brother,  you  are  a  very  temperate  man  ?" 
quickly  asked  the  judge,  looking  out  anxiously  for  the 
safety  of  the  more  important  part  of  his  theory.  "  My 
lord,"  responded  this  ancient  Elm,  disdaining  to  plead 
guilty  to  a  charge  of  habitual  sobriety,  "  I  am  a  very  old 
man,  and  my  memory  is  as  clear  as  a  bell,  but  I  can't  re- 
member the  night  when  I've  gone  to  bed  without  being 
more  or  less  drunk."  Lord  Mansfield  was  silent.  "Ah! 
my  lord,"  Mr.  Dunning  exclaimed,  "this  old  man's  case 
supports  a  theory  upheld  by  many  persons,  that  habitual 


70  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


intemperance  is  favorable  to  longevity."  "No,  no,"  re- 
plied the  chief  justice  with  a  smile,  "this  old  man  and  his 
brother  merely  teach  us  what  every  carpenter  knows — that 
elm,  whether  it  be  wet  or  dry,  is  a  very  tough  wood." 

Sir  Fletcher  Norton  was  noted  for  his  want  of  courtesy. 
When  pleading  before  Lord  Mansfield  on  some  question 
of  manorial  right,  he  chanced  to  say,  "My  lord,  I  can  il- 
lustrate the  point  in  an  instant  in  my  own  person — I  my- 
self have  too  little  manors."  The  judge  immediately  in- 
terposed, with  one  of  his  blandest  smiles,  "  We  all  know 
that,  Sir  Fletcher." 

Mansfield  was  very  intimate  with  the  wita  of  his  time, 
one  of  whom  wrote  of  him, 

"  Graced  as  them  art  with  all  the  power  of  words, 
So  known,  so  honored  in  the  House  of  Lords." 

Another,  of  a  more  churlish  nature  but  not  less  wit,  Sam 
Johnson,  at  once  humorously  recognized  Mansfield's  merit, 
and  betrayed  his  own  hatred  of  the  Scotch,  by  alluding  to 
him  as  "an  instance  of  what  might  be  made  of  a  Scotch- 
man who  had  been  caught  young." 


PECULIARITIES  OF  LORD  CHANCELLOR  LOTJGHBOROUGH. 

There  are  few  stories  told  of  Lord  Loughborough,  though 
he  was  one  of  the  most  singular  characters  who  ever  held 
the  Great  Seal  of  England.  Jeaffreson  sa}'S  of  him,  "  A 
poor  conversationalist,  he  was  so  incapable  of  responding 
to  the  smart  repartees  of  the  wits,  that  Samuel  Johnson 
petulantly  asked  Foote,  '  What  can  that  barrister  mean  by 
coming  among  us?  He  is  not  only  dull  himself,  but  the 
cause  of  dullness  in  others.' "  But  he  was  a  fluent,  impetu- 
ous, incisive  speaker  whenever  he  was  permitted  to  speak 
without  interruption.  Devoid  of  fancy,  but  overflowing 
with  spite,  he  poured  forth  his  malignant  sentences  with 


THE  CHANCELLORS  OF  ENGLAND. 


71 


a  sharp,  precise,  hissing  accentuation  that  gave  a  fine  edge 
to  each  well-chosen  word,  and  drove  it  home  to  the  adver- 
sary's most  sensitive  point.  On  the  bench  he  declined  to 
adopt  the  colloquial  tone  usual  with  judges  transacting  or- 
dinary business,  but  retained  the  preciseness  and  venomous 
acrimony  of  the  eloquence  which  had  made  him  dreaded 
as  a  counselor. 


THE  PRESENT  LORD   CHANCELLOR. 

The  present  Lord  Chancellor  of  England  is  the  Right 
Honorable  Sir  Frederick  Thesiger,  first  Baron  Chelmsford. 
Unlike  all  others  of  his  predecessors,  he  came  to  the  wool- 


IX>ED  CHELM8FOBD. 


sack  from  neither  the  bar  nor  the  Church,  .but  the  navy. 
He  was  born  in  1794,  and  entered  the  English  navy  as  a 
midshipman  in  1803.  The  only  naval  battle  which  he  wit- 


72  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


nessed,  however,  was  the  bombardment  of  Copenhagen  in 
1807.  In  1818,  his  elder  brother  dying  childless,  Sir  Fred- 
erick succeeded  to  the  titles  and  estates,  and  also  abandon- 
ed his  own  for  his  late  brother's  profession,  and  commenced 
the  study  of  law.  He  rapidly  acquired  great  reputation, 
particularly  in  the  conduct  of  election  cases,  and  in  1834 
was  appointed  one  of  the  king's  counsel.  He  entered  Par- 
liament in  1841  as  member  for  the  borough  of  Woodstock, 
and  held  a  seat  for  different  constituencies,  but  always  in 
the  conservative  interests,  until  1858,  when,  on  the  return 
of  Lord  Derby  to  power,  he  was  made  Baron  Chelmsford, 
and  placed  in  charge  of  the  seals.  On  the  fall  of  Derby  in 
the  year  following,  he  retired  with  him,  and  in  1866  was 
again  elevated  with  Derby  to  power,  receiving  the  seals  for 
the  second  time.  Lord  Chelmsford  made  law  and  politics 
his  stepping-stones  to  power ;  he  had  none  of  that  love  of 
the  profession  which  distinguished  many  of  his  predeces- 
sors, and  consequently  few  amusing  incidents  or  witty  say- 
ings of  his  are  recorded. 


Irifelj  larriste. 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  75 


CHAPTEE  II. 

ANECDOTES  OF  CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS. 


REMINISCENCE  OF  HENRY  GRATTAN. 

SIR  JONAH  BARRING-TON,  in  his  pleasant  "Sketches," 
thus  relates  an  interview  which  took  place  upon  the  intro- 
duction of  Aaron  Burr  and  John  Eandolph,  of  South  Caro- 
lina, to  Henry  Grattan :  "  We  went  to  my  friend's  house  on 
the  evening  before  he  was  to  leave  London.  I  announced 
that  Colonel  Burr,  Mr.  Eandolph  (from  America),  and  my- 
self wished  to  pay  our  respects,  and  the  servant  informed 
us  that  his  master  would  receive  us  in  a  short  time,  but 
was,  at  the  moment,  much  occupied  on  business  of  conse- 
quence. Burr's  expectations  were  all  on  the  alert.  Ean- 
dolph was  also  anxious  to  be  presented  to  the  great  Grat- 
tan, and  both  impatient  for  the  entrance  of  this  Demos- 
thenes. At  length  the  door  opened,  and  in  hopped  a  small, 
bent  figure — meagre,  yellow,  and  ordinary;  one  slipper 
and  one  shoe ;  his  breeches  loose  at  the  knee ;  his  cravat 
hanging  down,  his  shirt  and  coat-sleeves  tucked  up  high, 
and  an  old  hat  upon  his  head.  This  apparition  saluted  the 
strangers  very  courteously ;  asked  (without  any  introduc- 
tion) how  long  they  had  been  in  England,  and  immediately 
proceeded  to  make  inquiries  about  General  Washington 
and  the  Eevolutionary  War.  My  companions  looked  at 
each  other ;  their  replies  were  curt,  and  they  seemed  quite 
impatient  to  see  Mr.  Grattan.  I  could  scarcely  contain  my- 
self, but  determined  to  let  my  eccentric  countryman  take 
his  own  course.  He  appeared  quite  delighted  to  see  his 


76  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


visitors,  and  was  the  most  inquisitive  person  in  the  world. 
Randolph  was  far  the  tallest  and  most  dignified -looking 
man  of  the  two,  gray-haired  and  well  dressed.  Grattan 
therefore  took  him  for  the  Vice-president,  and  addressed 
him  accordingly.  Randolph  at  length  begged  to  know  if 
they  could  shortly  have  the  honor  of  seeing  Mr.  Grattan. 
Upon  which  our  host  (not  doubting  but  they  knew  him) 
conceived  it  must  be  his  son  James  for  whom  they  in- 
quired, and  said  he  believed  he  had  at  that  moment  wan- 
dered out  somewhere  to  amuse  himself.  This  completely 
disconcerted  the  Americans,  and  they  were  about  to  make 
their  bow  and  their  exit,  when  I  thought  it  high  time  to 
explain,  and,  taking  Colonel  Burr  and  Mr.  Randolph  re- 
spectively by  the  hand,  introduced  them  to  the  Right  Hon- 
orable Henry  Grattan.  . 

"  I  never  saw  people  stare  so,  or  so  much  embarrassed ! 
Grattan  himself  now  perceiving  the  cause,  heartily  joined 
in  the  merriment ;  he  pulled  down  his  shirt-sleeves,  pulled 
up  his  stockings,  and  in  his  own  irresistible  way  apologized 
for  the  outre  figure  he  cut,  assuring  them  that  he  had  total- 
ly overlooked  it  in  his  anxiety  not  to  keep  them  waiting ; 
that  he  was  returning  to  Ireland  next  morning,  and  had 
been  busily  packing  up  his  books  and  papers  in  a  closet 
full  of  dust  and  cobwebs  !  This  incident  rendered  the  in- 
terview more  interesting;  the  Americans  were  charmed 
with  their  reception,  and,  after  a  protracted  visit,  retired 
highly  gratified,  while  Grattan  returned  again  to  his  books 
and  cobwebs." 

The  last  words  of  Grattan  to  the  surgeon  general,  who 
saw  him  in  London  just  before  his  death,  are  very  patriotic 
and  beautiful : 

"  I  am  perfectly  resigned ;  I  am  surrounded  by  my  fam- 
ily ;  I  have  served  my  country ;  I  have  reliance  upon  God, 
and  I  am  not  afraid  of  the  devil  I" 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  77 


PERSONAL  APPEARANCE   OF   CURRAN. 

Barrington,  whom  I  have  quoted  before,  has  also  given 
the  following  pen-and-ink  picture  of  John  Philpot  Curran, 
the  eloquent  champion  of  Irish  liberty :  "  Curran's  person 
was  mean  and  decrepit,  very  slight,  very  shapeless — with 
nothing  of  the  gentleman  about  it ;  on  the  contrary,  dis- 
playing spindle  limbs,  a  shambling  gait,  one  hand  imper- 
fect, and  a  face  yellow,  furrowed,  rather  flat,  and  thorough- 
ly ordinary.  Yet  his  features  were  the  very  reverse  of  dis- 
agreeable. There  was  something  so  indescribably  dramatic 
in  his  eye  and  the  play  of  his  eyebrow,  that  his  visage 
seemed  the  index  of  his  mind,  and  his  humor  the  slave  of 
his  will.  His  very  foibles  were  amusing.  He  had  no  vein 
for  poetry,  yet,  fancying  himself  a  bard,  he  contrived  to 
throw  off  pretty  verses.  He  certainly  was  no  musician, 
but,  conceiving  himself  to  be  one,  played  very  pleasingly. 
Nature  had  denied  him  a  voice,  but  he  could  sing ;  and,  in 
the  rich  mould  of  his  capabilities,  the  desire  had  also  bred 
in  some  degree  the  capacity." 


CURRAN'S  FIRST  BRIEF  AND  FIRST  WITTICISMS. 

Not  long  after  his  first  brief,  a  circumstance  occurred 
which  elicited  the  first  scintillation  of  Curran's  genius,  and 
rendered  him  a  terror  alike  to  the  bench  and  the  bar. 

Lord  Eobertson,  one  of  the  presiding  judges,  was  very 
unpopular  both  as  a  man  and  a  jurist.  He  had  undertaken 
to  edit  an  edition  of  Blackstone,  but,  being  afraid  of  the 
critics,  he  simply  gave  it  the  title  of  "  Blackstone's  Com- 
mentaries, by.  a  Member  of  the  Irish  Bar."  Soon  after  the 
work  appeared  Curran  was  pleading  a  case  before  his  lord- 
ship, when  the  judge  interrupted  him  and  said, 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  learned  counsel  has  mis- 
taken the  law  of  this  case.  The  law  is  so  and  so." 


78  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


To  which  Curran  tartly  replied, 

"  If  his  lordship  says  so,  the  etiquette  of  the  court  de- 
mands that  I  submit,  though  neither  the  statute  nor  com- 
mon law  of  the  country  should  sanction  his  lordship's  opin- 
ion ;  but  it  is  my  duty  and  privilege,  too,  to  inform  you, 
gentlemen  of  the  jury,  that  I  have  never  seen  the  law  so 
interpreted  in  any  book  of  my  library." 

Lord  Eobertson  sneeringly  replied,  "  Perhaps  your  libra- 
ry is  rather  small,  Mr.  Curran." 

"  I  admit,"  said  Curran,  "  my  library  is  small ;  but  I 
have  always  found  it  more  profitable  to  read  good  books 
than  to  publish  bad  ones — books  which  their  very  authors 
and  editors  are  ashamed  to  own." 

"Sir,"  said  the  judge,  "you  are  forgetting  the  dignity 
of  the  judicial  character." 

To  this  Curran  promptly  replied, 

"Speaking  of  dignity,  your  lordship  reminds  me  of  a 
book  I  have  read — I  refer  to  'Tristram  Shandy' — in  which, 
if  your  lordship  has  read  it,  you  will  remember  that  the 
Irish  buffer  Eoche,  on  engaging  in  a  squabble,  lent  his  coat 
to  a  by-stander,  and  after  the  fight  was  ended  he  discover- 
ed that  he  had  got  a  good  beating  and  lost  hi!  coat  into  the 
bargain ;  your  lordship  can  apply  the  illustration." 

"Sir,"  said  the  judge  very  petulantly,  "if  you  say  anoth- 
er word  I'll  commit  you." 

"If  you  do,  my  lord,"  replied  Curran,  coolly,  "both  you 
and  I  shall  have  the  pleasure  of  reflecting  that  I  am  not 
the  worst  thing  your  lordship  has  committed" 


CURRAN  AND  HIS  YOUNGER  BROTHER. 

Curran  had  a  younger  brother,  an  attorney  like  himself, 
possessing  a  good  deal  of  his  wit  and  humor,  but  of  ex- 
ceedingly dissolute  habits.  He  was  a  great  spendthrift, 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS. 


79 


importuned  the  elder  Curran  for  loans,  and  was  a  heavy 
tax  upon  his  purse.  His  brother  having  once  refused  to 
advance  him  any  more  money,  the  profligate  lawyer  de- 
vised the  following  plan  to  recruit  his  finances  from  the 
usual  source. 


AN  ENGLISH   JUlHiE. 


There  was  a  small  space  of  dead  wall  directly  facing 
Curran's  house  in  Ely  Place,  against  which  the  attorney 
procured  a  written  permission  to  build  a  little  wooden  box. 
He  accordingly  got  a  carpenter  to  erect  a  cobbler's  stall 
there  for  him ;  and,  having  assumed  the  dress  of  a  shoe- 
maker, he  wrote  over  his  stall,  " CURRAN,  COBBLER: — Shoes 
toe-pieced,  soled,  or  heeled  on  the  shortest  notice:  when 
the  stall  is  shut,  inquire  over  the  way."  Curran,  on  re- 


80  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


turning  from  court,  perceived  his  worthy  brother  hard  at 
work,  with  a  parcel  of  loafers  lounging  round  him.  His 
brother  just  nodded  to  the  attorney,  cried  "How  do  you 
do,  Jack?"  and  went  on  with  his  employment.  Curran 
immediately  dispatched  a  servant  for  the  spendthrift,  to 
whom  having  given  some  money,  the  show-board  was  tak- 
en down,  the  stall  removed,  and  the  attorney  promised  that 
he  would  never  set  up  again  as  a  cobbler. 

Curran's  wit  was  double-edged,  and  cut  like  a  sword. 
His  ruling  passion  was  his  joke,  and  it  was  strong,  if  not 
in  death,  at  least  in  his  last  illness.  One  morning  his  phy- 
sician observed  that  he  seemed  to  "  cough  with  more  diffi- 
culty." 

"That  is  rather  surprising,"  answered  Curran,  smiling 
sadly,  "  for  I  have  been  practicing  all  night." 

While  thus  lying  ill,  Curran  was  visited  by  a  friend,  Fa- 
ther O'Leary,  who  also  loved  his  joke. 

"  I  wish,  O'Leary,"  said  Curran  to  him  abruptly,  "  that 
you  had  the  keys  of  heaven." 

"  Why,  Curran  ?" 

"Because  you  could  let  me  in,"  said  the  facetious  coun- 
selor. 

"It  would  be  much  better  for  you,  Curran,"  said  the 
good-humored  priest,  "that  I  had  the  keys  of  the  other 
place,  because  I  could  then  let  you  out." 

Lundy  Foot,  a  celebrated  tobacconist,  applied  to  Curran 
for  a  motto  when  he  first  established  his  carriage.  "  Give 
me  one,  my  dear  Curran,  of  a  serious  cast,  because  I  am 
afraid  the  people  will  laugh  at  a  tobacconist  setting  up  a 
carriage,  and  for  the  '  scholarship's  sake,'  let  it  be  in  Latin." 

"I  have  just  hit  on  it,"  said  Curran;  "it  is  only  two 
words,  and  will  at  once  explain  your  profession,  your  ele- 
vation, and  your  contempt  for  their  ridicule,  and  it  has  the 
advantage  of  being  in  two  languages,  Latin  or  English,  just 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  81 

as  the  reader  chooses.  Put  up  '  Quid  rides'  upon  your  car- 
riage." 

Curran  was  once  pleading  a  case  before  a  very  facetious 
judge,  who  was  occasionally  rather  irritable,  and  any  noise 
while  he  was  charging  a  jury  annoyed  him  very  much. 
On  such  an  occasion  he  was  sadly  interrupted  by  the  bray- 
ing of  an  ass,  and  turned  to  the  sheriff,  ordering  him  to  stop 
that  noise.  Curran  being  present,  observed,  "  May  it  please 
your  honor,  it  is  merely  an  echo !" 

An  Irish  judge  of  the  King's  Bench,  in  giving  his  dictum 
on  a  certain  will  case,  absolutely  said,  "  He  thought  it  very 
clear  that  the  testator  intended  to  keep  a  life  interest  in  the 
estate  to  himself.'11  The  bar  did  not  laugh  outright,  but 
Curran  soon  rendered  that  consequence  inevitable.  "  Very 
true,  my  lord,"  said  he;  "very  true.  Testators  usually 
do  secure  life  interests  to  themselves;  but  in  this  case  I 
had  rather  your  lordship  would  take  the  will  for  the 
deed." 

Chief  Justice  Carleton  was  a  very  lugubrious  personage. 
He  never  ceased  complaining  of  his  bad  state  of  health  (or, 
rather,  of  his  hypochondriasm),  and  frequently  introduced 
Lady  Carleton  into  his  "  Book  of  Lamentations."  Thence  it 
was  remarked  by  Curran  to  be  very  extraordinary,  that 
the  chief  justice  should  appear  as  plaintiff  (plaintive')  in 
every  cause  that  happened  to  come  before  him. 

One  day  Lord  Carleton  came  into  court  looking  unusual- 
ly gloomy.  He  apologized  to  the  bar  for  being  necessitated 
to  adjourn  the  court  and  dismiss  the  jury  for  the  day, 
"though,"  proceeded  his  lordship,  "I  am  aware  that  an  im- 
portant issue  stands  for  trial ;  but  the  fact  is,  I  have  met 
with  a  domestic  misfortune  which  has  altogether  deranged 
my  nerves ! — poor  Lady  Carleton  (in  a  low  tone  to  the  bar) 
has  most  unfortunately  miscarried,  and — " 

"  Oh,  then,  my  lord !"  exclaimed  Curran,  "  there  was  no 
'F 


82  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


necessity  for  your  lordship  to  make  any  apology,  since  it 
now  appears  that  your  lordship  has  no  issue  to  try." 

Curran's  avoidance  of  a  duel  by  the  exercise  of  his  wit 
is  a  story  not  less  amusing  than  familiar.  He  was  waited 
on  one  morning  before  he  had  left  his  bed  by  a  gentleman 
whom  he  had  cross-examined  with  needless  cruelty  and  un- 
justifiable insolence  on  the  previous  day. 

"Sir!"  said  this  irate  man,  presenting  himself  in  Curran's 
bedroom,  and  rousing  the  barrister  from  slumber  to  a  con- 
sciousness that  he  was  in  a  very  awkward  position,  "  I  am 
the  gintleman  whom  you  insulted  yesterday  in  his  majesty's 
court  of  justice  in  the  presence  of  the  whole  bar,  and  I  come 
to  demand  justice !" 

Curran  measured  at  a  glance  the  huge  person  of  the  in- 
truder, and  concluded  that  he  had  a  poor  chance  in  a  com- 
bat with  him.  So,  lying  still,  he  asked, 

"Surely,  you  wouldn't  strike  a  man  when  he's  down?" 

"  No,  sir,  no ;  certainly  not." 

"  Then  I  wish  you  a  very  good-morning,"  said  Curran, 
turning  over  on  his  side  and  pulling  the  cover  closer  about 
his  ears;  "  I'm  going  to  take  a  nap." 

The  scene  was  so  ridiculous  that  the  stranger  dropped 
his  uplifted  arm,  burst  into  a  hearty  roar  of  laughter,  and 
asked  the  counselor  to  shake  hands  with  him.  Of  the  gen- 
uineness of  this  piquant  story  the  writer  is  compelled  to 
entertain  some  unpleasant  doubts,  since  he  has  found  it  in 
books,  with  numerous  minor  variations,  told  of  half  a  dozen 
different  Irish  barristers. 

Very  sarcastic  was  Curran's  reply  to  a  prosy  member  of 
Parliament  who  had  asked  him, 

"Have  you  read  my  last  speech?"  Curran  replied, 
turning  away, 

"  I  hope  I  have." 

More  bitter  still  was  his  answer  to  the  poet  who,  fishing 
for  compliments,  asked  him. 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS. 


83 


"Have  you  seen  my  'Descent  into  Hell?' 

"  No,"  said  Curran  warmly,  "  I  should  be  delighted  to 
see  it." 

Terribly  sarcastic  was  the  denunciation  of  his  political 
enemy,  whom  he  described  as  "buoyant  by  putrefaction, 
rising  as  he  rotted." 


ENGLISH  COUNSELORS. 


Curran  was  once  engaged  in  a  legal  argument.  Behind 
him  stood  his  colleague,  a  gentleman  whose  person  was  re- 
markably tall  and  slender,  and  who  had  originally  intend- 
ed to  take  orders.  The  judge  observed  that  the  case  un- 
der discussion,  involved  a  question  of  ecclesiastical  law. 
"  Then,"  said  Curran,  "  I  can  refer  your  lordship  to  a  high 
authority  behind  me  who  was  once  intended  for  the  Church, 
though,  in  my  opinion,  he  was  fitter  for  the  steeple." 


84  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ANECDOTES  OF  DR.  JOHNSON. 

Dr.  Sam  Johnson,  poet  and  counselor,  noted  for  his  gruff- 
ness  and  his  wit,  compared  plaintiff  and  defendant  in  action 
at  law  to  two  men  ducking  their  heads  in  a  bucket,  and 
daring  each  other  to  remain  longest  under  water. 

Nothing  could  have  been  more  natural  than  that  John- 
son should  have  married  a  cross,  gruff  woman.  When  he 
asked  the  widow  Porter  to  be  his  wife  he  told  her  candidly 
that  he  was  of  mean  extraction,  that  he  had  no  money,  and 
that  he  had  an  uncle  hanged.  The  widow  replied  that  she 
cared  nothing  for  his  parentage,  that  she  had  no  money, 
herself;  and  though  she  had  not  had  a  relation  hanged,  she 
had  fifty  who  deserved  hanging.  So  they  made  a  match 
of  it. 


A  LAWYER'S  "FIRST  BEST  CAUSE." 
One  of  Charles  Lamb's  best  witticisms  was  on  an  embryo 

lawyer,  his  young  friend  Kobinson.     On  receiving  his  first 

brief,  Eobinson  called  in  delight  upon  Lamb  to  tell  him 

of  it. 

"I  suppose,"  said  Lamb,  "you  addressed  that  line  of 

Milton  to  it, '  Thou  first  best  cause,  least  understood.' " 


ANECDOTES  OF  RICHARD  BRINSLEY  SHERIDAN. 

Sheridan  studied  the  art  of  punning,  and  many  of  the 
most  brilliant  mots  of  various  ages  are  attributed  to  him. 
In  this  volume  they  have  been  given  as  far  as  possible  to 
the  rightful  authors,  and  what  follows  are  only  those  of 
which  Sheridan  was  the  undoubted  and  undisputed  author. 

As  Sheridan  was  visiting  London  in  one  of  the  public 
coaches  for  the  purpose  of  canvassing  Westminster  at  the 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  85 

time  when  Paul  was  his  opponent,  he  found  himself  in  com- 
pany with  two  Westminster  electors.  In  the  course  of  the 
conversation  one  of  them  asked  the  other  to  whom  he 
should  give  his  vote,  when  his  friend  replied, 

"  To  Paul,  certainly ;  for  though  I  think  him  but  a  shab- 
by sort  of  fellow,  I  would  vote  for  any  one  rather  than  that 
rascal  Sheridan." 

"  Do  you  know  Sheridan  ?"  asked  the  stranger. 

"  Not  I,  sir,"  answered  the  gentleman ;  "  nor  do  I  wish 
to  know  him." 

The  conversation  dropped  here;  but,  when  the  party 
alighted  to  breakfast,  Sheridan  called  aside  the  other  gen- 
tleman and  said, 

"  Pray,  who  is  that  very  agreeable  friend  of  yours  ?  He 
is  one  of  the  pleasantest  fellows  I  ever  met  with,  and  I 
should  be  glad  to  know  his  name." 

"  His  name  is  Mr.  T ;  he  is  an  eminent  lawyer,  and 

resides  in  Lincoln's-inn  Fields." 

Breakfast  over,  the  party  resumed  their  seats  in  the 
coach,  soon  after  which  Sheridan  turned  the  conversation 
to  the  law. 

"  It  is,"  said  he,  "  a  fine  profession.  Men  may  rise  from 
it  to  the  highest  eminence  in  the  state,  and  it  gives  vast 
scope  to  the  display  of  talent.  Many  of  the  most  virtuous 
and  noble  characters  recorded  in  our  history  have  been 
lawyers.  I  am  sorry,  however,  to  add  that  some  of  the 
greatest  rascals  have  also  been  lawyers ;  but  of  all  the  ras- 
cals of  lawyers  I  ever  heard  of,  the  greatest  is  one  T , 

who  lives  in  Lincoln's-inn  Fields." 

"  I  am  Mr.  T ,"  thundered  the  gentleman. 

"  And  I  am  Mr.  Sheridan,"  was  the  laughing  reply. 

The  jest  was  instantly  seen ;  they  shook  hands,  and,  in- 
stead of  voting  against  the  facetious  orator,  the  lawyer  ex- 
erted himself  warmly  in  promoting  his  election. 


86  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Sheridan  was  once  staying  at  the  house  of  an  elderly 
maiden  lady  in  the  country,  who  wanted  more  of  his  com- 
pany than  he  was  willing  to  give.  Proposing  one  day  to 
take  a  stroll  with  him,  he  excused  himself  to  her  on  ac- 
count of  the  badness  of  the  weather.  Shortly  afterward 
she  met  him  sneaking  out  alone.  "  So,  Mr.  Sheridan,"  said 
she,  "it  has  cleared  up."  "Just  a  little,  ma'am;  enough 
for  one,  but  not  enough  for  two." 

As  Sheridan  was  entering  court  one  day,  carrying  his 
books  and  briefs  in  a  green  bag  according  to  the  custom 
of  the  time,  some  of  his  brother  barristers,  thinking  to  play 
a  joke  on  him,  urged  some  boys  to  ask  him  if  he  had  old 
clothes  for  sale  in  his  green  bag. 

"  Oh  no,"  instantly  responded  Sheridan ;  "  they  are  all 
new  suits." 

Those  who  are  in  the  habit  of  telling  prodigious  stories 
ought  to  have  good  memories ;  but,  fortunately,  their  mem- 
ories are  generally  short.  Eichard  Brinsley  Sheridan  dealt 
with  these  mendacious  pests  in  a  manner  peculiar  to  him- 
self. He  would  never  allow  himself  to  be  outdone  by  a 
verbal  prodigy.  Whenever  a  monstrous  story  was  told  in 
his  presence,  he  would  endeavor  to  outdo  it  by  one  of  his 
own  coinage,  and  consign  the  narrator  to  confusion  by  a 
falsehood  more  glaring  than  his  own.  Once  in  his  hear- 
ing a  sporting  adventurer  ran  thus :  "  I  was  fishing  one 
day,  say  in  a  certain  cold  spring  full  of  delicious  trout,  and 
soon  caught  a  large  mess.  But  what  was  really  surprising, 
not  a  foot  from  the  cold  spring  there  was  one  of  boiling 
water ;  so  that,  when  you  wanted  to  cook  your  fish,  all  you 
had  to  do,  after  hooking  them  from  the  cold  spring,  was  to 
pop  them  directly  into  the  boiling." 

The  company  all  expressed  astonishment  and  incredulity 
at  this  monstrous  assertion,  with  the  exception  of  Sheridan. 
"  I  know,"  said  he,  "  of  a  phenomenon  yet  more  surprising : 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  87 

I  was  fishing  one  day,  when  I  came  to  a  place  where  there 
were  three  springs.  The  first  was  a  cold  one  stocked  with 
fish,  the  second  a  boiling  spring,  and  the  third  a  natural 
fountain  of  melted  butter  and  parsley  " 

"Melted  butter  and  parsley!"  exclaimed  the  first  story- 
teller, "  impossible !" 

Sheridan  was  one  day  much  annoyed  by  a  fellow-mem- 
ber of  the  House  of  Commons  who  kept  crying  out  every 
few  minutes  "Hear!  hear!"  .During  the  debate  he  took 
occasion  to  describe  a  political  contemporary  that  wished 
to  play  rogue,  but  who  only  had  sense  enough  to  act  fool. 
"  Where,"  exclaimed  he,  with  great  emphasis,  "  where  shall 
we  find  a  more  foolish  knave  or  more  knavish  fool  than 
he  ?"  "  Hear !  hear !"  was  shouted  from  the  troublesome 
member.  Sheridan  turned  round,  and,  thanking  him  for 
the  prompt  information,  sat  down  amid  a  general  roar  of 
laughter. 

Sheridan  is  said  to  have  remarked,  on  entering  a  crowd- 
ed committee-room,  in  parliamentary  language,  "Will  some 
member  move  that  I  may  take  the  chair?" 


GRIM  JOKES  OF  HANGING  JUDGES. 

Horrible  are  the  flippant  tales  told  about  the  "hanging 
judges"  of  the  days,  not  far  distant,  when  women  were  ju- 
dicially murdered  by  English  law  for  offenses  that  would 
not  nowadays  get  them  six  months'  imprisonment,  and 
when  sentence  of  death  was  recorded  against  children  for 
misdeeds  that  would  have  been  amply  punished  by  a  sin- 
gle application  of  a  birch  rod.  And  of  all  these  blood- 
thirsty wearers  of  the  ermine  no  one,  since  the  opening  of 
the  eighteenth  century,  has  fared  worse  than  Sir  Francis 
Page — the  virulence  of  whose  tongue  and  the  cruelty  of 
whose  nature  were  marks  for  successive  satirists.  In  one 
of  his  Imitations  of  Horace,  Pope  says, 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


11  Slander  or  poison  dread  from  Delia's  rage, 
Hard  words  or  hanging,  if  your  judge  be  Page." 

In  the  same  spirit  the  poet  penned  the  lines  of  the  "  Dun- 
ciad"— 

"  Morality,  by  her  false  guardians  drawn, 
Chicane  in  furs,  and  Casuistry  in  lawn, 
Gasps,  as  they  straighten  at  each  end  the  cord, 
And  dies  when  Dullness  gives  her — the  sword." 

Powerless  to  feign  insensibility  to  the  blow,  Sir  Francis 
openly  fitted  this  black  cap  to  his  dishonored  head  by 
sending  his  clerk  to  expostulate  with  the  poet.  The  ill- 
chosen  embassador  performed  his  mission  by  showing  that, 
in  Sir  Francis's  opinion,  the  whole  passage  would  be  sheer 
nonsense,  unless  "  Page"  were  inserted  in  the  vacant  place ! 

Johnson  and  Savage  took  vengeance  on  the  judge  for 
the  judicial  misconduct  which  branded  the  latter  poet  a 
murderer;  and  Fielding,  in  "Tom  Jones,"  illustrating  by 
a  current  story  the  offensive  levity  of  the  judge's  demeanor 
at  capital  trials,  makes  him  thus  retort  on  a  horse-stealer  : 
"  Ay  !  thou  art  a  lucky  fellow ;  I  have  traveled  the  circuit 
these  forty  years,  and  never  found  a  horse  in  my  life ;  but 
I'll  tell  thee  what,  friend,  thou  wast  more  lucky  than  thou 
didst  know  of;  for  thou  didst  not  only  find  a  horse,  but  a 
halter  too,  I  promise  thee." 

It  is  said  of  Page  that  in  his  last  year  he  pointed  the  ig- 
nominious story  of  his  existence  by  a  speech  that  soon  ran 
the  round  of  the  courts.  In  answer  to  an  inquiry  for  his 
health,  the  octogenarian  judge  observed,  "  My  dear  sir,  you 
see  how  it  fares  with  me ;  I  just  manage  to  keep  hanging 
on,  hanging  on."  This  story  is  ordinarily  told  as  though 
the  old  man  did  not  see  the  unfavorable  significance  of  his 
words ;  but  it  is  probable  that  he  uttered  them  wittingly 
and  with  a  sneer — in  the  cynicism  and  shamelessness  of 
old  age. 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS. 


89 


One  of  the  humorous  aspects  of  this  repulsive  subject  is 
seen  in  the  curiosity  and  fastidiousness  of  prisoners  on  trial 
for  capital  offenses  with  regard  to  the  professional  status  of 
the  judges  who  try  them.  A  sheep-stealer  of  the  "old 
bloody  days  of  English  law  liked  that  sentence  should  be 
passed  upon  him  by  a  chief  justice ;  and,  in  the  present 
time,  murderers  awaiting  execution  sometimes  grumble  at 


ENGLISH  ATTORNEYS. 


the  unfairness  of  their  trials  because  they  have  been  tried 
by  judges  of  inferior  degree.  Lord  Campbell  mentions  the 
case  of  a  sergeant,  who,  while  acting  as  Chief  Justice 
Charles  Abbott's  deputy,  was  reminded  by  the  prisoner  in 
the  dock  that  he  was  "merely  a  temporary."  Being  ask- 


90  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

ed  in  the  usual  way  if  he  had  aught  to  say  why  sentence 
of  death  should  not  be  passed  upon  him,  the  same  prisoner 
answered  surlily,  "Yes;  I  have  been  tried  before  a  jour- 
neyman judge!" 

Among  the  grimly  humorous  addresses  attributed  to 
judges  speaking  from  the  bench  to  prisoners  at  the  bar, 
Baron  Alderson's  rejoinder  to  a  man  convicted  of  swindling 
is  memorable.  In  reply  to  the  final  inquiry  why  sentence 
should  not  be  passed  upon  him,  the  prisoner,  with  blasphe- 
mous obstinacy,  persisted  in  asserting  his  innocence.  The 
miserable  fellow  concluded  his  address  by  saying  deliber- 
ately, and  in  a  singularly  solemn  tone,  "  May  God  strike  me 
dead,  now  at  this  moment,  and  here  where  I  stand,  if  I  am 
not  innocent !"  As  the  speaker's  guilt  had  been  clearly  as- 
certained, every  hearer  was  painfully  moved  by  this  abom- 
inable self-imprecation.  A  thrill  of  horror  ran  through 
the  court.  A  minute  of  painful  silence  ensued ;  and  then 
the  judge  substituted  another  emotion  in  the  minds  of  all 
present  by  saying,  in  a  cold  matter-of-fact  voice,  "  Prisoner 
at  the  bar,  as  Providence  has  not  interposed  in  the  behalf 
of  society,  the  sentence  of  the  court  is  that  you  be  trans- 
ported for  twenty  years." 

Lord  Norbury,  celebrated  equally  for  his  wit  and  his  se- 
verity, while  sitting  as  a  special  commissioner  to  try  the 
culprits  in  one  of  the  Irish  rebellions,  convicted  a  great 
many  in  a  single  day. 

"  You  are  going  on  here  swimmingly,  my  lord,"  said  one 
of  the  counsel  for  the  prisoners. 

"Yes,"  answered  his  lordship  significantly,  "seven  knots 
an  hour." 

Chief  Justice  Hale  was  strongly  opposed  to  the  severity 
of  the  English  law,  and  took  occasion,  whenever  he  found 
opportunity,  to  show  his  repugnance  to  its  needless  severi- 
ty. Once  he  tried  a  half-starved  lad  on  a  charge  of  bur- 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARR^TERS.  91 

glaiy.  The  prisoner  had  been  shipwrecked  upon  the  Cor- 
nish coast,  and  on  his  way  through  an  inhospitable  district 
had  endured  the  pangs  of  extreme  hunger.  In  his  dis- 
tress, the  famished  wanderer  broke  the  window  of  a  baker's 
shop  and  stole  a  loaf  of  bread.  Under  the  circumstances, 
Hale  directed  the  jury  to  acquit  the  prisoner ;  but,  less 
merciful  than  the  judge,  the  gentlemen  of  the  box  returned 
a  verdict  of  "guilty" — a  verdict  which  the  chief  justice 
stoutly  refused  to  act  upon.  After  much  resistance  the 
jurymen  were  starved  into  submission,  and  the  youth  was 
set  at  liberty.  Several  years  elapsed ;  and  Chief  Justice 
Hale  was  riding  the  Northern  Circuit,  when  he  was  re- 
ceived with  such  costly  and  excessive  pomp  by  the  sheriff 
of  a  northern  county,  that  he  expostulated  with  his  enter- 
tainer on  the  lavish  profuseness  of  his  conduct.  "My 
lord,"  answered  the  sheriff,  with  emotion,  "  don't  blame  me 
for  showing  my  gratitude  to  the  judge  who  saved  my  life 
when  I  was  an  outcast.  Had  it  not  been  for  you,  I  should 
have  been  hanged  in  Cornwall  for  stealing  a  loaf,  instead 
of  living  to  be  the  richest  landowner  of  my  native  coun- 

ty-" 

Chief  Justice  Hale  had  been  in  his  youth  a  rather  wild 
young  man,  and  more  than  one  of  his  companions  were 
brought  in  after  years  before  him  for  judgment.  On  one 
occasion,  before  sentencing  to  death  a  culprit  whom  he  had 
known  in  better  days,  he  asked  him  some  questions  touch- 
ing their  old  associates.  / 

"  They  are  all  hanged,  my  lord,"  said  the  knave,  "  ex- 
cept you  and  me." 

In  a  note  to  a  passage  in  one  of  the  Waverley  novels 
Scott  tells  a  story  of  an  old  Scotch  judge,  who,  as  an  en- 
thusiastic chess-player,  was  much  mortified  by  the  success 
of  an  ancient  friend,  who  invariably  beat  him  when  they 
tried  their  powers  at  the  beloved  game.  After  a  time  the 


92  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


humiliated  chess-player  had  his  day  of  triumph.  His  con- 
queror happened  to  commit  murder,  and  it  became  the 
judge's  not  altogether  painful  duty  to  pass  upon  him  the 
sentence  of  the  law.  Having  in  due  form,  and  with  suita- 
ble solemnity,  commended  his  soul  to  the  Divine  mercy,  he, 
after  a  brief  pause,  assumed  his  ordinary  colloquial  tone  of 
voice,  and  nodding  humorously  to  his  old  friend,  observed, 
"  And  noo,  Jamie,  I  think  ye'll  alloo  that  I  hae  check- 
mated you  for  ance." 

An  Irish  judge,  familiarly  known  as  the  "hanging 
judge,"  was  never  seen  to  shed  a  tear  but  once,  and  that 
was  during  the  representation  of  The  Beggar's  Opera,  when 
Macheath  got  a  reprieve  I 

It  was  between  the  same,  judge  and  Curran  that  the  fol- 
lowing passage  of  wit  once  took  place  at  table : 

"Pray,  Mr.  Curran,"  said  the  judge,  "is  that  hung  beef 
beside  you  ?  If  it  is,  I  will  try  it." 

"If  you  try  it,  my  lord,"  replied  Mr.  Curran,  "it  is  sure 
to  be  hung." 


COKE  DONE  INTO  VERSE. 

About  1742  a  volume  appeared  in  England  purporting 
to  be  the  "  Eeports  of  Sir  Edward  Coke,  Knight,  in  Verse." 
Though  the  book  does  not  now  survive,  the  humorous 
story  which  inspired  the  droll  volume  is  yet  remembered. 
The  story  is  alike  commendable  for  its  subtlety  and  inof- 
fensive humor.  An  amiable  and  upright,  but  far  from 
brilliant  judge,  Sir  Lyttleton  Powys,  had  a  few  pet  phrases 
— among  them  "I  humbly  conceive,"  and  "Look,  do  you 
see" — which  he  sprinkled  over  his  judgments  and  collo- 
quial talk  with  ridiculous  profuseness.  Surprised  at  Philip 
Yorke's  sudden  rise  into  lucrative  practice,  this  most  gen- 
tlemanlike worthy  was  pleased  to  account  for  the  unusual 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  93 

success  by  maintaining  that  young  Yorke  must  have  written 
a  law-book  which  had  brought  him  early  into  favor  with  the 
inferior  branch  of  the  profession.  "  Mr.  Yorke,"  said  the 
venerable  justice,  while  the  barristers  were  sitting  over  their 
wine  at  a  "judges'  dinner,"  "  I  can  not  well  account  for  your 
having  so  much  business,  considering  how  short  a  time  you 
have  been  at  the  bar;  I  humbly  conceive  you  must  have 
published  something ;  for  look  you,  do  you  see,  there  is 
scarcely  a  cause  in  court  but  you  are  employed  in  it  on  one 
side  or  the  other.  I  should  therefore  be  glad  to  know,  Mr. 
Yorke,  do  you  see,  whether  this  be  the  case."  Playfully 
denying  that  he  possessed  any  celebrity  as  a  writer  on  legal 
matters,  Yorke,  with  an  assumption  of  candor,  admitted 
that  he  had  some  thoughts  of  lightening  the  labors  of  law- 
students  by  turning  Coke  upon  Littleton  into  verse.  In- 
deed, he  confessed  that  he  had  already  begun  the  work  of 
versification.  Not  seeing  the  nature  of  the  reply,  Sir  Lit- 
tleton Powys  treated  the  droll  fancy  as  a  serious  project, 
and  insisted  that  the  author  should  give  a  specimen  of  the 
style  of  his  contemplated  work.  Whereupon  the  young 
barrister — not  pausing  to  remind  a  company  of  lawyers  of 
the  words  of  the  original,  "Tenant  in  fee  simple  is  he  which 
hath  lands  or  tenements  to  hold  to  him  and  his  heirs  for- 
ever"— recited  the  lines, 

"  He  that  holdeth  his  lands  in  fee 

Need  neither  to  quake  nor  to  quiver, 

/  humbly  conceive ;  for  look,  doy  oti  see, 

They  are  his  and  his  heirs'  forever." 

The  mimicry  of  his  voice  being  not  less  perfect  than  the 
verbal  imitation,  Yorke's  hearers  were  convulsed  with 
laughter ;  but  so  unconscious  was  Sir  Lyttleton  of  the  rid- 
icule which  he  had  incurred,  that,  on  subsequently  encoun- 
tering Yorke  in  London,  he  asked  how  "  that  translation 
of  Coke  upon  Littleton  was  getting  on." 


94  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


A  REMARKABLE   COUNTENANCE. 

Charles  Yorke,  the  less  honorable,  more  ambitious,  and 
successful  brother  of  the  foregoing,  was  not  less  inclined  to 
the  humorous.  It  is  recorded  of  him  that,  after  his  elec- 
tion to  serve  as  a  member  for  the  University  of  Cambridge, 
he,  in  accordance  with  etiquette,  made  a  round  of  calls  on 
members  of  senate,  giving  them  personal  thanks  for  their 
votes ;  and  that,  on  coming  to  the  presence  of  a  supporter — 
an  old  "fellow"  known  as  the  ugliest  man  in  Cambridge — 
he  addressed  him  thus,  after  smiling  "  an  aside"  to  a  knot 
of  by-standers — "  Sir,  I  have  reason  to  be  thankful  to  my 
friends  in  general,  but  I  confess  myself  under  particular 
obligation  to  you  for  the  very  remarkable  countenance  you 
have  shown  me  on  this  occasion." 


A  CALUMNY  ON  THE   PROFESSION   DISPROVED  BY  ITS 
AUTHOR. 

Lord  Keeper  Williams,  one  of  the  most  honest  of  the 
Chancellors  of  England,  is  the  author  of  a  reflection  on  the 
purity  of  the  legal  profession  which  is  improperly  quoted 
to  this  day  as  justification  of  the  common  and  vulgar  idea 
that  there  are  no  honest  lawyers.  The  remark  of  Wil- 
liams, not  unjust  at  that  time,  though  inapplicable  with 
truth  to  lawyers  in  every  age,  was,  that  "  A  proneness  to 
take  bribes  may  be  generated  from  the  habit  of  taking 
fees."  A  story  of  this  same  lord  keeper  is  preserved,  which 
at  once  refutes  his  own  calumny,  and  illustrates  the  preva- 
lence of  judicial  corruption  in  the  seventeenth  century,  and 
the  jealousy  with  which  the  right  reverend  slanderer  watch- 
ed for  attempts  to  tamper  with  his  own  honesty.  While  he 
was  taking  exercise  in  the  great  park  of  Nonsuch  House,  his 
attention  was  caught  by  a  church  recently  erected  at  the 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  95 

cost  of  a  rich  chancery  suitor.  Having  expressed  satisfac- 
tion with  the  church,  Williams  inquired,  "  Has  he  not  a  suit 
depending  in  chancery  ?"  and  on  receiving  an  answer  in  the 
affirmative,  observed,  "  He  shall  not  fare  the  worse  for 
building  of  churches."  These  words  being  reported  to  the 
pious  suitor,  he  not  illogically  argued  that  the  keeper  was 
a  judge  likely  to  be  influenced  in  making  his  decisions  by 
matters  distinct  from  the  legal  merits  of  the  case  put  before 
him.  Acting  on  this  impression,  the  good  man  forthwith 
sent  messengers  to  Nonsuch  House,  bearing  gifts  of  fruit 
and  poultry  to  the  holder  of  the  seals.  "  Nay,  carry  them 
back,"  cried  the  judge,  looking  with  a  grim  smile  at  the 
presents,  "  nay,  carry  them  back,  and  tell  your  master  that 
he  shall  not  fare  the  better  for  sending  of  presents." 

More  familiar  and  more  ridiculous  are  the  stories  told  of 
the  manner  in  which  Chief  Justice  Hale  displayed  his  aver- 
sion to  any  thing  having  the  appearance  of  bribery.  A 
less  familiar  one  is  told  by  Sir  John  Graham  of  his  own  ex- 
perience : 

"There  was  a  baronet  of  ancient  family  with  whom  the 
judges  going  the  Western  Circuit  had  always  been  accus- 
tomed to  dine.  When  I  went  that  circuit  I  heard  that 
a  cause,  in  which  he  was  plaintiff,  was  coming  on  for  trial ; 
but  the  usual  invitation  was  received,  and,  lest  the  people 
might  suppose  that  judges  could  be  influenced  by  a  dinner, 
I  accepted  it.  The  defendant,  a  neighboring  squire,  being 
dreadfully  alarmed  by  this  intelligence,  said  to  himself, 
'Well,  if  Sir  John  entertains  the  judge  hospitably,  I  do 
not  see  why  I  should  not  do  the  same  by  the  jury.'  So  he 
invited  to  dinner  the  whole  of  the  special  jury  summoned 
to  try  the  cause.  Thereupon  the  baronet's  courage  failed 
him,  and  he  withdrew  the  record,  so  that  the  cause  was  not 
tried ;  and,  although  I  had  my  dinner,  I  escaped  all  sus- 
picion of  partiality." 


96  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


This  story  puts  Jeaffreson,  who  tells  it,  in  mind  of  anoth- 
er which  he  had  heard  told  in  various  ways,  and  which  he 
relates  in  the  following  neat  manner : 

Less  than  twenty  years  since,  in  one  of  England's  south- 
ern counties,  two  neighboring  landed  proprietors  differed 
concerning  their  respective  rights  over  some  uninclosed 
land,  and  also  about  certain  rights  of  fishing  in  an  adjacent 
stream.  The  one  proprietor  was  the  richest  baronet,  the 
other  the  poorest  squire,  of  the  county,  and  they  agreed  to 
settle  their  dispute  by  arbitration.  Our  master  in  chan- 
cery, slightly  known  to  both  gentlemen,  was  invited  to  act 
as  arbitrator  after  inspecting  the  localities  in  dispute.  The 
invitation  was  accepted,  and  the  master  visited  the  scene 
of  disagreement  on  the  understanding  that  he  should  give 
up  two  days  to  the  matter.  It  was  arranged  that  on  the 
first  day  he  should  walk  over  the  squire's  estate,  and  hear 
the  squire's  uncontradicted  version  of  the  case,  dining  at 
the  close  of  the  day  with  both  contestants  at  the  squire's 
table ;  and  that  on  the  second  day,  having  walked  over  the 
baronet's  estate,  and  heard  without  interruption  the  other 
side  of  the  story,  he  should  give  his  award,  sitting  over 
wine  after  dinner  at  the  rich  man's  table.  At  the  close  of 
the  first  day  the  squire  entertained  his  wealthy  neighbor 
and  the  arbitrator  at  dinner.  In  accordance  with  the  host's 
means,  the  dinner  was  modest,  but  sufficient.  It  consisted 
of  three  fried  soles,  a  roast  leg  of  mutton,  and  vegetables ; 
three  pancakes,  three  pieces  of  cheese,  three  small  loaves  of 
bread,  ale,  and  a  bottle  of  sherry.  On  the  removal  of  the 
viands,  three  magnificent  apples,  together  with  a  magnum 
of  port,  were  placed  on  the  table  by  way  of  dessert.  At 
the  close  of  the  second  day  the  trio  dined  at  the  baronet's 
table,  when  it  appeared  that,  struck  by  the  simplicity  of  the 
previous  day's  dinner,  and  rightly  attributing  the  absence 
of  luxuries  to  the  narrowness  of  the  host's  purse,  the  wealthy 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  97 

disputant  had  resolved  not  to  attempt  to  influence  the  um- 
pire by  giving  him  a  superior  repast.  Sitting  at  another 
table,  the  trio  dined  on  exactly  the  same  fare — three  fried 
soles,  a  roast  leg  of  mutton,  and  vegetables ;  three  pan- 
cakes, three  pieces  of  cheese,  three  small  loaves  of  bread, 
ale,  and  a  bottle  of  sherry ;  and  for  dessert  three  magnifi- 
cent apples,  together  with  a  magnum  of  port.  The  dinner 
being  over,  the  apples  devoured,  and  the  last  glass  of  port 
drunk,  the  arbitrator  (his  eyes  twinkling  brightly  as  he 
spoke)  introduced  his  award  with  the  following  exordium : 
"  Gentlemen,  I  have  with  all  proper  attention  considered 
your  sole  reasons;  I  have  taken  due  notice  of  JOUT  joint 
reasons;  and  I  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  your 
des(s)erts  are  about  equal." 


FALSE  WITNESS  ADROITLY  EXPOSED. 

A  few  years  since,  a  man  of  high  respectability  was  tried 
in  England  on  a  charge  of  forging  a  will,  in  which  it  was 
discovered  that  he  had  an  indirect  interest  in  a  large 
amount.  Samuel  Warren,  author  of  the  "  Diary  of  a  Lon- 
don Physician,"  "Ten  Thousand  a  year,"  etc.,  was  the  as- 
sociate prosecuting  attorney,  and  the  case  was  tried  before 
Lord  Denman.  The  prisoner  was  arraigned,  and  the  for- 
malities gone  through  with;  the  prosecutor,  placing  his 
thumb  over  the  seal,  held  up  the  will,  and  demanded  of  the 
prisoner  if  he  had  seen  the  testator  sign  the  instrument,  to 
which  he  promptly  answered  he  had. 

"  And  did  you  sign  it  at  his  request  as  subscribing  wit- 
ness ?" 

('Idid." 

"  Was  it  sealed  with  red  or  black  wax  ?" 

"With  red  wax." 

"Did  you  see  him  seal  it  with  red  wax?" 

G 


98  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"I  did." 

"  Where  was  the  testator  when  he  signed  and  sealed  this 
will?" 

"  In  his  bed." 

"  Pray,  how  long  a  piece  of  red  wax  did  he  use?" 

"  About  three  inches  long." 

"  Who  gave  the  testator  this  piece  of  wax? 

"I  did." 

"  Where  did  you  get  it  ?" 

"  From  the  drawer  of  his  desk." 

"  How  did  he  light  that  piece  of  wax?" 

"With  a  candle." 

"  Where  did  that  candle  come  from  ?" 

"  I  got  it  out  of  a  cupboard  in  the  room." 

"How  long  was  that  candle?" 

"  Perhaps  four  or  five  inches  long." 

"Who  lit  that  candle?" 

"I  lit  it." 

"With  what?" 

"  With  a  match." 

"  Where  did  you  get  that  match  ?" 

"On  the  mantle-shelf  in  the  room." 

Here  Warren  paused,  and,  fixing  his  large  deep  blue 
eyes  upon  the  prisoner,  he  held  the  will  up  before  his  eyes, 
his  thumb  still  resting  upon  the  seal,  and  said,  in  a  solemn, 
measured  tone, 

"  ]^"ow,  sir,  upon  your  solemn  oath,  you  saw  the  testator 
sign  that  will — he  signed  it  in  his  bed — at  his  request  you 
signed  it  as  a  subscribing  witness — you  saw  him  seal  it — it 
was  with  red  wax  he  sealed  it — a  piece  of  wax  about  three 
inches  long — he  lit  the  wax  with  a  piece  of  candle  which 
you  procured  from  a  cupboard — you  lit  the  candle  with  a 
match  which  you  found  on  a  mantle-shelf?" 

"I  did." 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  99 

"  Once  more,  sir — upon  your  solemn  oath,  you  did?" 

"  I  did." 

"  My  lord,  it  is  sealed  with  a  wafer  T 


SARCASM  OF  LORD   CHATHAM. 

Lord  Chatham  rebuked  a  dishonest  Chancellor  of  the 
Exchequer  by  finishing  a  quotation  the  latter  had  com- 
menced. The  debate  turned  upon  some  grant  of  money 
for  the  encouragement  of  art,  which  was  opposed  by  the 
Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  who  finished  his  speech 
against  Lord  Chatham's  motion  by  saying,  '"Why  was  not 
this  ointment  sold  and  the  money  given  to  the  poor?'" 
Chatham  rose  and  said,  "  Why  did  not  the  noble  lord  com- 
plete the  quotation,  the  application  being  so  striking?  As 
he  has  shrunk  from  it,  I  will  finish  the  verse  for  him — 
'  This  Judas  said,  not  that  he  cared  for  the  poor,  but  be- 
cause he  was  a  thief  and  carried  the  bag."1 " 


WISE  MEN"  FROM  THE  EAST. 

Sergeant  Davy  made  a  reputation  at  the  London  bar  for 
wit  by  a  single  smart  saying.  Davy  had  great  contempt 
for  Devonshire  and  other  Western  country  lawyers,  and 
particularly  for  Maynard,  one  of  the  rudest  and  most  of- 
fensive counselors  at  the  bar  of  London.  Intending  once 
to  affront  Maynard,  Davy  observed  in  a  very  loud  tone, 

"  The  farther  I  journeyed  toward  the  West,  the  more 
convinced  I  was  that  the  wise  men  come  from  the  East." 


CHICANERY  OF  AN  EXTORTIONATE   LAWYER. 

Of  the  many  piquant  stories  about  the  chicanery  and  ex- 
tortionate practice  of  attorneys  with  which  the  jest-books 


100  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


of  the  last  century  are  crammed,  few  are  more  humorous 
than  the  variously-told  anecdote,  for  which  the  London 
Chronicle,  January  11,  1781,  gives  the  following  statement 
of  facts :  "  An  attorney  in  Dublin,  having  dined  by  an  in- 
vitation with  his  client  several  days  pending  a  suit,  charged 
6s.  3d.  for  each  attendance,  which  was  allowed  by  the  mas- 
ter on  taxing  costs.  In  return  for  this,  the  client  returned 
the  master-attorney  with  a  bill  for  his  eating  and  drinking, 
which  the  attorney  refusing  to  pay,  the  client  brought  his 
action,  and  recovered  the  amount  of  his  charge.  But  he 
did  not  exult  in  his  victory ;  for  in  a  few  days  after  the  at- 
torney lodged  an  information  against  him  before  the  Com- 
missioners of  Excise  for  retailing  wine  without  a  license ; 
and  not  being  able  to  controvert  the  fact,  to  avoid  an  in- 
crease of  costs  he  submitted,  by  the  advice  of  counsel,  to 
pay  the  penalty,  a  great  part  of  which  went  to  the  attorney 
as  informer."  This  account  of  an  improbable  but  laugha- 
ble story  gave  rise  to  the  following  song,  which  was  com- 
municated to  Notes  and  Queries  by  a  correspondent: 

"A  lawyer  quite  famous  for  making  a  bill, 

And  who  in  good  living  delighted, 
To  dinner  one  day  with  a  hearty  good  will 

Was  by  a  rich  client  invited. 
But  he  charged  six-and-eightpence  for  going  to  dine, 

Which  the  client  he  paid,  though  no  ninny, 
And  in  turn  charged  the  lawyer  for  dinner  and  wine, 

One  a  crown,  and  the  other  a  guinea. 
But  gossips,  you  know,  have  a  saying  in  store, 
He  who  matches  a  lawyer  has  only  one  more. 

"The  lawyer  he  paid  it,  and  took  a  receipt, 

While  the  client  stared  at  him  with  wonder ; 
With  the  produce  he  gave  a  magnificent  treat, 

But  the  lawyer  soon  made  him  knock  under. 
That  his  client  sold  wine,  information  he  laid, 

Without  license,  and,  spite  of  his  storming, 
The  client  a  good  thumping  penalty  paid, 

And  the  lawyer  got  half  for  informing. 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  101 

But  gossips,  you  know,  have  a  saying  in  store, 
He  who  matches  a  lawyer  has  only  one  more. 


A  LAME  CASE  MENDED  BY  WIT. 

Sergeant  Gardiner,  an  English  barrister  of  some  repute, 
who  was  lame  of  one  leg,  was  once  pleading  before  Sir  John 
Fortescue- Aland,  who  was  disfigured  by  a  nose  which  was 
purple,  and  hideously  misshapen  by  morbid  growth.  Hav- 
ing checked  the  ready  counsel  with  the  needlessly  harsh 
observation,  "  Brother,  brother,  you  are  handling  the  case 
in  a  very  lame  manner,"  the  angry  advocate  gave  vent  to 
his  annoyance  by  saying,  with  a  perfect  appearance  of  sang 
froid, 

"Pardon  me,  my  lord;  have  patience  with  me,  and  I 
will  do  my  best  to  make  the  case  as  plain  as — as — the  nose 
on  your  lordship's  face." 


A  CHIEF  JUSTICE   IN  THE   STOCKS. 

Eeaders  of  Sir  Edward  Ly  tton  Bulwer's  novel  of  "  Vari- 
eties in  English  Life"  will  remember  the  amusing  episode 
of  Dr.  Eiccabocca's  rescue  of  Leonard  Fairfield  from  the 
stocks,  and  his  own  incarceration  therein.  Sir  Edward  had 
his  authority  for  this  ludicrous  scene,  though  the  original 
of  the  story  did  not  prove  such  a  philosopher  as  did  the 
worthy  Italian  under  the  same  circumstances. 

While  Lord  Camden  held  the  chiefship  of  the  Court  of 
Common  Pleas  of  England,  he  was  walking  with  his  friend 
Lord  Dacre  on  the  outskirts  of  an  English  village,  when 
they  passed  the  parish  stocks. 

"  I  wonder,"  said  the  chief  justice,  "  whether  a  man  in 
the  stocks  endures  a  punishment  that  is  physically  pain- 
ful ?  I  am  inclined  to  think  that,  apart  from  the  sense  of 


102  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


humiliation  and  other  mental  anguish,  the  prisoner  suffers 
nothing,  unless  the  populace  -express  their  satisfaction  at 
his  fate  by  Citing  him  with  brickbats." 

"  Suppose  yon  settle:  your  doubts  by  putting  your  feet 
into  the  holes, '^rejoined  Lord  Dacre  carelessly. 

"  By  Jove,  I  will !"  exclaimed  the  chief  justice ;  and  in  a 
trice  he  was  sitting  on  the  ground,  with  his  feet  some  fifteen 
inches  above  the  level  of  his  seat,  and  his  ankles  encircled 
by  hard  wood. 

"Now,  Dacre!"  he  exclaimed  enthusiastically,  "fasten 
the  bolts,  and  leave  me  for  ten  minutes." 

Like  a  courteous  host,  Lord  Dacre  complied  with  the 
whim  of  his  guest,  and  having  placed  it  beyond  his  power 
to  liberate  himself,  bade  him  "farewell"  for  ten  minutes. 
Intending  to  saunter  along  the  lane  and  return  at  the  ex- 
piration of  the  stated  period,  Lord  Dacre  moved  away,  and 
falling  into  one  of  his  customary  fits  of  reverie,  soon  for- 
got all  about  the  stocks,  his  friend's  freak,  and  his  friend. 
In  the  mean  time  the  chief  justice  went  through  every  tor- 
ture of  an  agonizing  punishment — acute  shootings  along 
the  confined  limbs,  aching  in  the  feet,  angry  pulsations 
under  the  toes,  violent  cramps  in  the  muscles  and  thighs, 
gnawing  pain  at  the  point  where  his  person  came  in  imme- 
diate contact  with  the  cold  ground,  pins  and  needles  every 
where.  Among  the  various  forms  of  his  physical  discom- 
fort, faintness,  fever,  giddiness,  and  raging  thirst  may  be 
mentioned.  He  implored  a  peasant  to  liberate  him,  and  the 
fellow  answered  him  with  a  shout  of  derision.  He  hailed 
a  passing  clergyman,  and  explained  that  he  was  not  a  cul- 
prit, but  Lord  Camden,  Chief  Justice  of  the  Common  Pleas, 
and  one  of  Lord  Dacre's  guests. 

"Ah!"  observed  the  man  of  cloth,  not  so  much  answer- 
ing the  wretched  culprit  as  passing  judgment  on  his  case, 
"mad  with  liquor.  Yes,  drunkenness  is  sadly  on  the  in- 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  103 

crease ;  'tis  droll,  though,  for  a  drunkard  in  the  stocks  to 
imagine  himself  a  chief  justice !"  and  on  he  passed.  A 
farmer's  wife  jogged  by  on  her  pillion,  and  hearing  the 
wretched  man  exclaim  that  he -should  die  of  thirst,  the  good 
creature  gave  him  a  juicy  apple,  and  hoped  that  his  pun- 
ishment would  prove  for  the  good  of  his  soul.  Not  ten 
minutes,  but  ten  hours  did  the  chief  justice  sit  in  the  stocks, 
and  when  at  length  he  was  carried  into  Lord  Caere's  house, 
he  was  in  no  humor  to  laugh  at  his  own  miserable  plight. 
Not  long  afterward  he  presided  at  a  trial  in  which  a  work- 
man brought  an  action  against  a  magistrate  who  had  wrong- 
fully placed  him  in  the  stocks.  The  counsel  for  the  de- 
fense happening  to  laugh  at  the  statement  of  the  plaintiff, 
who  maintained  that  he  had  suffered  intense  pain  during 
his  confinement,  Lord  Camden  leaned  forward,  and  in- 
quired in  a  whisper, 

"Brother,  were  you  ever  in  the  stocks?" 

"  Never,  my  lord,"  answered  the  advocate,  with  a  look 
of  lively  astonishment. 

"I  have  been,"  was  the  whispered  reply;  "and  let  me  as- 
sure you  that  the  agony  inflicted  by  the  stocks  is — awful!" 


A  DIRTY  JUDGE. 

One  of  Joseph  Jekyll's  best  displays  of  brilliant  impu- 
dence, and  the  origin  of  one  attributed  to  Sheridan,  was 
perpetrated  on  a  Welsh  judge,  who  was  alike  notorious  for 
his  greed  of  office,  and  his  want  of  personal  cleanliness. 
"  My  dear  sir,"  Jekyll  observed  in  his  most  amiable  man- 
ner to  this  most  unamiable  personage,  "  you  have  asked  the 
minister  for  almost  every  thing  else,  why  don't  you  ask  him 
for  a  piece  of  soap  and  a  nail-brush  ?" 


10-i 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


A  JOHN   BULI,  JUKY. 


QUARRELS  AT  THE   BAR. 

Disreputable  squabbles  between  rival  barristers,  and  be- 
tween the  bench,  and  the  bar,  occasionally  occur  in  our  own 
times,  and  the  ruffianism  of  the  prisoners  is  now  and  then 
surpassed  by  the  ruffianism  of  the  advocates;  but  we  should 
be  astounded  if  lawyers  of  to-day  were  to  imitate  the  vio- 
lence of  Coke  in  his  outburst  against  Bacon,  as  is  thus  re- 
lated by  the  latter : 

Coke.  "  Mr.  Bacon,  if  you  have  any  tooth  against  me, 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  105 

pluck  it  out,  for  it  will  do  you  more  hurt  than  all  the  teeth 
in  your  head  will  do  good." 

Bacon  (coldly).  "  Mr.  Attorney,  I  respect  you ;  I  fear  you 
not;  and  the  less  you  speak  of  your  own  greatness,  the 
more  I  will  think  of  it." 

Coke.  "I  think  scorn  to  stand  upon  terms  of  greatness 
toward  you,  who  are  less  than  little — less  than  the  least 
(adding  other  such  strange  light  terms,  with  that  insolence 
which  can  not  be  expressed)." 

So  runs  the  report.  Bacon  adds,  "  With  this  he  spake, 
neither  I  nor  himself  could  tell  what,  as  if  he  had  been  born 
attorney  general,  and  in  the  end  bade  me  not  meddle  with 
the  queen's  business  but  with  mine  own,  and  that  I  was 
unsworn."  This  was  in  the  Elizabethan  age,  and  in  the 
Old  Bailey  Court.  Of  late  years  there  has  been  a  visible 
improvement  in  the  conduct  of  proceedings  in  that  court ; 
but  in  the  days  when  that  good  scholar  and  man,  Sergeant 
Adams,  acted  as  assistant  judge,  the  collisions  between  the 
bench  and  bar  were  of  scandalous  frequency  and  violence. 
The  last  words  spoken  by  the  sergeant  in  his  official  char- 
acter comically  illustrate  the  state  of  affairs  during  his 
time.  Having  concluded  a  summing  up  with  reference  to 
an  altercation  which  had  occurred  during  the  trial  between 
himself  and  certain  barristers,  he  ended  his  remarks  by  say- 
ing, "And  so,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  was  a  shindy." 
With  these  memorable  and  suggestive  words  ended  the  last 
judicial  address  of  an  excellent  judge.  Indulging  in  his 
coarse  personalities  on  another  occasion.  Coke  described 
Garnet,  the  Jesuit,  as  "  a  Doctor  of  Jesuits ;  that  is,  a  Doctor 
of  six  D's — as  Dissimulation,  Deposing  of  princes,  Daunting 
and  Deterring  of  subjects,  and  Destruction." 


106  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


A  BEAUTIFUL  THOUGHT. 

Sir  William  Jones,  whose  reputation  as  a  barrister  has 
been  almost  forgotten  in  his  fame  as  a  linguist  and  scholar, 
is  the  author  of  the  famous  and  exquisite  epigram  which 
follows,  and  which  has  been  attributed  at  various  times  to 
almost  every  standard  author  in  the  English  tongue : 

"A   NEW-BOEN   CHILD. 

"  On  parent  knees,  a  naked,  new-born  child, 
Weeping  thou  sat'st,  while  all  around  thee  smiled ; 
So  live,  that  sinking  in  thy  last,  long  sleep, 
Calm  thou  mayst  smile,  while  all  around  thee  weep." 


A  LEGAL  IMPOSSIBILITY. 

Counselor  Garrow,  during  his  cross-examination  of  a  pre- 
varicating old  female  witness,  by  whom  it  was  essential  to 
prove  that  a  tender  of  money  had  been  made,  had  a  scrap 
of  paper  thrown  him  by  the  opposing  counsel,  in  which 
was  written, 

"  Garrow,  submit :  that  tough  old  jade 
Will  never  prove — a  tender  made." 


POPULAR  PREJUDICES  AGAINST  LAWYERS. 
Strange  prejudices  have  existed  against  lawyers  from 
time  immemorial.  Oliver  Cromwell's  officers  were  inclined 
to  think  that  the  country  should  be  governed  by  pious  sol- 
diers ;  and  notwithstanding  the  number  and  influence  of 
the  lawyers  who  had  served  the  republic  in  camp  as  well 
as  at  Westminster,  the  more  zealous  Puritans  entertained 
strong  prejudices  against  the  legal  profession,  and  were  al- 
most unanimous  in  holding  that  non-military  wearers  of  the 
long  robe  should  be  excluded  from  the  House  of  Commons. 
Lawyers  were  then  commonly  known  by  the  title  of  "  sons 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  107 

of  Zeruiah."  In  the  autumn  of  1649  a  republican  soldier 
warmly  urged  upon  the  Commons  that  they  should  exclude 
all  lawyers  from  Parliament,  and  that,  if  they  could  not  find 
heart  to  take  so  decided  a  course,  they  ought  at  least  to  re- 
solve that  while  lawyers  sat  in  Parliament  they  should  re- 
linquish practice.  Bulstrode  Whitelock,  who  was  then 
keeper  of  the  seals,  replied  in  a  speech  strong  with  reason 
and  sarcasm.  From  the  days  of  the  Parliamentum  Indoc- 
tum,  which  lawyers  were  forbidden  to  enter,  till  the  days  of 
his  own  connection  with  Sir  Edward  Coke,  Whitelock  set 
forth  the  services  which  his  profession  had  rendered  to  the 
country,  and  pointed  out  the  blunders  into  which  Parlia- 
ments had  fallen  when  they  presumed  to  act  without  the 
guidance,  or  in  opposition  to  the  advice  of  legal  authorities. 
"As  to  the  sarcasms,"  he  continued,  "  on  lawyers  for  not 
fighting,  I  deem  that  the  gown  does  neither  abate  a  man's 
courage  or  his  wisdom,  nor  render  him  less  capable  of  using 
a  sword  when  the  laws  are  silent.  "Witness  the  great  serv- 
ices performed  by  Lieutenent  General  Jones  and  Commis- 
sary Ireton,  and  many  other  lawyers,  who,  putting  off  their 
gowns  when  the  Parliament  required  it,  have  served  stout- 
ly and  successfully  as  soldiers,  and  have  undergone  almost 
as  much  and  as  great  hardships  and  dangers  as  the  honor- 
able gentleman  who  so  much  undervalued  them.  With 
respect  to  the  proposal  for  compelling  lawyers  to  suspend 
their  practice  while  they  sit  in  Parliament,!  only  insist  that, 
in  the  act  for  the  purpose,  it  be  provided  that  merchants 
forbear  from  their  trading,  physicians  from  visiting  their 
patients,  and  country  gentlemen  from  selling  their  corn  or 
wool  while  they  are  members  of  that  House."  The  motion 
was  of  course  withdrawn,  and  the  maker  well  laughed  at. 
The  same  prejudice  was  continually  reappearing.  Some 
four  years  later  the  Barebones  Parliament  showed  their  low 
opinion  of  the  "  sons  of  Zeruiah"  by  proposing  to  abolish 


108  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Chancery  on  the  expiration  of  a  month  after  their  decision. 
By  resolution  the  Parliament  actually  suspended  Chancery 
for  a  month ;  and  when  the  bill  for  the  total  abolition  of 
the  court  came  to  a  decision,  it  was  thrown  out  by  the 
speaker's  casting  vote. 


ENGLISH  LEGAL   IGNORANCE. 

Americans  have  not  a  greater  appreciation  of  the  intelli- 
gence of  their  Anglo-Saxon  brethren  over  the  water  than 
the  latter  have  of  their  American  cousins,  and  we  love  to 
recall  such  illustrations  of  English  legal  ignorance  as  the 
following : 

A  jury  was  once  empaneled  in  Surrey  County,  England, 
to  try  a  man  charged  with  having  house-breaking  imple- 
ments in  his  possession,  with  intent  to  commit  a  felony. 
The  foreman  delivered  the  intelligent  verdict,  "  We  find  the 
prisoner  guilty,  with  the  benefit  of  a  doubt."  Of  course 
the  presiding  magistrate  refused  to  receive  such  a  verdict ; 
whereupon  the  foreman  explained  that  there  was  a  doubt 
among  them,  but  they  thought  the  prisoner  was  guilty. 
The  explanation  did  not  make  matters  clearer,  and  the 
doubting  jury  were  sent  back  to  consider  the  evidence 
again.  They  failed  to  agree,  and  were  discharged,  the  pris- 
oner being  remanded  to  the  next  sessions,  to  be  then  tried. 

In  London,  in  1863,  at  the  trial  of  a  divorce  case,  the 
parties  to  which  were  a  nobleman  of  advanced  years  and 
his  young  wife,  Sir  Creswell  Creswell,  the  presiding  judge, 
remarked  that  the  case  on  trial  was  another  instance  of  the 
evil  effects  of  "  marriages  contracted  between  May  and  De- 
cember." Shortly  afterward  the  learned  judge  received  a 
letter  from  the  secretary  of  a  Scotch  statistical  society,  in- 
timating that  the  body  he  represented  would  be  much 
oblisred  if  Sir  Creswell  would  favor  them  with  an  account 


CELEBRATED  BRITISH  BARRISTERS.  109 

of  the  facts  from  which  he  had  derived  the  singular  rule 
enunciated  by  him  as  to  the  infelicity  of  marriages  solem- 
nized during  certain  months  of  the  year,  and  adding  that 
some  of  the  members  of  the  society  wished  to  draw  up  the 
information  which  might  thus  be  afforded  them  in  the 
shape  of  a  paper  to  be  read  before  the  society,  with  a  view 
to  public  discussion. 


3. 


Chief  Unstimi  rf  tte 

C  w 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.         113 


CHAPTER  III. 

THE  CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE   UNITED  STATES. 


THE  FIRST  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

JOHN  JAY  was  the  first  to  hold  the  office  of  Chief  Justice 
of  the  United  States.  He  was  born  in  New  York,  December 
12, 1745,  graduated  at  King's  (now  Columbia)  College  in 
1764,  and  four  years  later  he  was  admitted  to  the  bar.  He 
bore  a  distinguished  part  in  our  Eevolutionary  struggle,  and 
was  the  youngest  member  of  the  First  Congress,  which  con- 
vened in  1774.  He  prepared  the  draft  of  the  first  Constitu- 
tion of  the  State  of  New  York  in  1777,  and  was  appoint- 
ed its  first  chief  justice.  Two  years  after  he  was  sent  on 
an  important  mission  to  Spain.  He  also,  in  conjunction 
with  Adams,  Franklin,  and  Laurens,  negotiated  the  treaty 
by  which  Great  Britain  recognized  the  independence  of  the 
United  States.  On  his  return  to  this  country  he  was  ap- 
pointed Secretary  of  Foreign  Affairs.  "When  the  Union  su- 
perseded the  old  Confederation,  "Washington,  as  a  mark  of 
his  personal  esteem  and  a  recognition  of  Mr.  Jay's  import- 
ant services,  offered  him  any  office  which  he  might  prefer. 
He  chose  that  of  chief  justice,  and  received  his  appointment 
in  1789.  In  1794  he  was  sent  to  Great  Britain  as  envoy 
extraordinary,  to  negotiate  an  important  treaty.  He  was 
absent  a  year,  during  which  time  he  was  elected  Governor 
of  New  York.  He  then  resigned  the  chief  justiceship,  was 
twice  re-elected  governor,  and  then,  in  1801,  at  the  age 
of  fifty-six,  resolved  to  retire  from  public  life.  President 

H 


114  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Adams,  wishing  to  retain  his  services  for  the  public,  nomi- 
nated him  for  his  former  place  as  chief  justice,  then  vacant 
by  the  resignation  of  Oliver  Ellsworth. 


Jay  declined,  on  the  ground  that  he  had  deliberately 
made  up  his  mind  to  retire  from  public  life,  and  duty  to  his 
country  did  not  then  require  him  to  accept  office.  He  re- 
tired to  his  farm  in  Bedford,  New  York,  where  he  died  May 
17, 1829,  in  the  eighty-fourth  year  of  his  age.  While  the 
question  of  the  adoption  of  the  Federal  Constitution  was 
before  the  people,  Hamilton,  Madison,  and  Jay  projected 
the  famous  series  of  essays  called  the  Federalist.  Jay  wrote 
the  second,  third,  fourth,  and  fifth  numbers,  furnishing  no 
more  until  the  sixty-fourth  number.  During  the  greater 
part  of  the  interval  he  was  lying  between  life  and  death. 
A  party  of  medical  students  had  violated  the  grave  to  ac- 
quire subjects  for  dissection.  They  were  put  in  prison,  but 
a  mob  threatened  their  lives.  Jay  and  others,  under  the 
lead  of  Hamilton,  joined  to  prevent  the  outrage ;  they  were 
set  upon  by  the  rioters,  and  Jay  was  struck  on  the  temple 
by  a  stone,  and  almost  killed.  He  recovered  only  in  time 
to  write  the  single  additional  paper,  on  a  subject  which  he 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES,         115 

was  especially  requested  to  undertake.  To  this  accident  it 
is  owing  that  the  Federalist,  valuable  as  it  is,  was  not  ren- 
dered still  more  valuable  by  contributions  from  one  who 
was  recognized  as  the  ablest  political  writer  in  the  United 
States.  Mr.  Jay  was  one  of  the  noblest  and  purest  char- 
acters in  our  history.  ' 

Mr.  Jay  was  a  zealous  but  not  bigoted  member  of  the 
Episcopal  Church;  took  great  interest  in  the  religious 
movements  of  his  day ;  was  president  of  several  religious 
societies,  and  frequently  presided  at  their  anniversary  meet- 
ings. He  always  observed  family  worship,  morning  and 
evening,  and  never  postponed  or  suspended  it  on  account 
of  the  presence  of  company. 

The  quality  of  the  man  is  well  illustrated  in  the  follow- 
ing incident :  After  he  had  lived  twenty-eight  years  in  re- 
tirement, devoting  his  time  to  agriculture,  visiting,  recrea- 
tion, study,  benevolent  works,  and  the  duties  of  a  Christian, 
upon  being  asked  how  it  was  possible  to  occupy  his  mind 
in  seclusion  and  retirement,  he  replied,  with  a  smile,  "  I 
have  a  long  life  to  look  back  upon,  and  an  eternity  to  look 
forward  to." 


THE  SECOND   CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

Upon  the  resignation  of  Mr.  Jay,  John  Eutledge  was 
nominated  by  the  President  as  Chief  Justice  of  the  United 
States.  He  was  born  in  1739,  in  South  Carolina,  whither 
his  father  had  emigrated  from  Ireland  four  years  before. 
He  studied  law  in  the  Temple  in  London,  and  returned  to 
Charleston  in  1761,  where  he  at  once  gained  the  highest 
rank  at  the  bar.  He  espoused  the  cause  of  the  colonies  at 
the  outset  of  the  troubles  with  Great  Britain.  In  1776  he 
was  appointed  president  and  commander -in -chief  of  the 
colony  of  South  Carolina.  It  was  owing  to  him  that  Fort 


116  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Moultrie  was  not  abandoned  to  the  enemy  without  a  strug- 
gle. General  Lee,  who  commanded  the  Continental  troops, 
pronounced  the  fort  a  "  slaughter-pen,"  and  wished  to  evac- 
uate it.  Eutledge  wrote  to  Moultrie,  "  General  Lee  wishes 
you  to  evacute  the  fort.  You  will  not  without  an  order 
from  me.  I  would  sooner  cut  off  my  hand  than  write  one." 
When  the  Constitution  of  South  Carolina  was  framed,  Eut- 
ledge refused  his  assent  on  the  ground  that  it  was  too  dem- 
ocratic. He  finally  yielded  his  scruples,  and  was  appoint- 
ed governor,  with  the  real  power  of  dictator.  In  1789  he 
was  appointed  Associate  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court  of 
the  United  States.  The  treaty  negotiated  by  Jay  with 
Great  Britain  excited  a  storm  of  indignation  in  South  Caro- 
lina. Eutledge  made  a  violent  speech  against  it  at  Charles- 
ton just  two  days  before  his  appointment  as  chief  justice 
reached  him,  in  which  he  spoke  in  bitter  language  of  the 
leaders  of  the  then  dominant  Federal  party,  of  which  he 
had  hitherto  been  considered  a  member.  In  August,  1795, 
he  presided  at  a  session  of  the  Supreme  Court,  and  in  No- 
vember started  to  hold  a  circuit  in  North  Carolina,  when  he 
was  attacked  by  sickness,  and  his  mind  was  apparently  af- 
fected. This,  and  the  remembrance  of  his  recent  Charles- 
ton speech,  induced  the  Senate  to  refuse  to  confirm  his 
nomination — a  refusal  by  no  means  disagreeable  to  the 
President,  who  was  strongly  in  favor  of  Jay's  treaty.  Mor- 
tification at  this  rejection  extinguished  the  last  remnant  of 
Eutledge's  sanity,  and  he  died  in  1800  at  the  age  of  sixty- 
one. 


THE  THIRD  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

After  the  death  of  Eutledge  the  President  nominated 
Judge  William  Gushing,  of  Massachusetts,  as  chief  justice. 
The  nomination  was  confirmed;  but  Mr.  Gushing,  after 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.         117 

holding  the  commission  a  few  days,  resigned  on  account  of 
ill  health.  As  he  never  acted  in  that  capacity,  his  name 
only  belongs  technically  to  the  list  of  chief  justices. 


THE   FOURTH  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

Oliver  Ellsworth  was  then  nominated  and  confirmed  as 
chief  justice.  He  was  born  at  Windsor,  Connecticut,  April 
29, 1745.  His  studies,  commenced  at  Yale,  were  completed 
at  Princeton,  where  he  graduated  at  the  age  of  twenty-three. 
For  a  time  he  was  a  teacher ;  then  commenced  the  study 
of  theology,  but  subsequently  decided  on  the  profession  of 
law.  He  had  then  married,  and  his  father  gave  him  a  farm 


of  wild  land  and  an  axe.  While  slowly  working  his  way 
at  the  bar,  he  cleared  his  wild  farm  with  his  own  hands. 
His  early  career  gave  no  promise  of  future  eminence,  but, 
the  first  upward  steps  once  taken,  his  progress  was  sure. 
He  was  appointed  state's  attorney,  and  yearly  elected  to  the 
General  Assembly.  In  1777  he  was  chosen  delegate  to 
Congress;  in  1784,  judge  of  the  Superior  Court  of  Connect- 
icut; and  in  1789,  senator  in  Congress.  In  1796  he  was 


118  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


appointed  Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States.  His  unques- 
tioned probity  and  the  soundness  of  his  judicial  decisions 
gained  him  the  highest  respect.  In  1799  he  was  sent, 
against  his  wishes,  as  minister  to  France,  though  still  retain- 
ing for  two  years  his  seat  on  the  bench.  His  health  fail- 
ing, he  resigned  his  office  in  1801.  He  died  November  26, 
1807,  at  the  age  of  sixty-two. 

When  young  Ellsworth  was  at  Yale  College,  an  anec- 
dote is  related  of  him  which  indicated  his  aptness  for  spe- 
cial pleading,  and  betokened  the  future  lawyer. 

The  students  were  prohibited  from  wearing  their  hats  in 
the  college  yard.  Ellsworth,  on  one  occasion,  was  arraign- 
ed for  violating  the  law  of  the  institution.  He  defended 
himself  upon  the  ground  that  a  hat  was  composed  of  two 
parts,  the  crown  and  the  brim,  and  as  his  hat  had  no  brim 
— which,  by-the-by,  he  had  torn  off — he  could  be  guilty  of 
no  offense.  This  ingenious  plea  seemed  to  have  satisfied 
the  scruples  of  his  judges,  and  he  escaped  all  punishment. 

After  Ellsworth  had  obtained  reputation  both  in  pro- 
fessional and  political  life,  a  friend  asked  him  what  was  the 
secret  of  his  intellectual  power.  He  said,  in  reply,  that 
early  in  his  career  he  discovered  that  he  had  no  imagina- 
tion; that  the  qualities  of  his  mind  promised  so  little  that 
he  became  almost  discouraged ;  that  he  then  determined  to 
study  but  one  subject  at  a  time,  and  not  abandon  it  until 
he  had  mastered  it.  He  said  also  that,  in  the  practice  of 
his  profession,  he  had,  as  a  rule,  given  his  attention  to  the 
main  points  of  the  case,  leaving  the  minor  ones  to  shift  for 
themselves. 

Ellsworth  was  a  man  of  great  pertinacity  of  character,  as 
well  as  wisdom  in  the  conduct  of  affairs,  and  acquired  im- 
mense influence  while  a  member  of  the  United  States  Sen- 
ate. While  he  was  one  of  this  body  Aaron  Burr  said  of 
him  that,  "  if  Ellsworth  should  chance  to  spell  God  with  two 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.          119 

c?'s,  it  would  take  the  Senate  three  weeks  to  make  up  its 
mind  to  expunge  the  superfluous  letter." 

In  all  his  tastes  and  habits  Ellsworth  exhibited  an  unaf- 
fected simplicity.  He  often  visited  a  mineral  spring  in 
Suffield,  Connecticut,  for  the  benefit  of  his  health.  On  one 
occasion  the  wife  of  the  proprietor  of  the  springs  declined 
his  application  for  board,  saying  that  "she  could  not  enter- 
tain a  great  man  like  him  in  a  suitable  manner."  "But, 
madam,"  said  he,  "do  you  not  have  bread?"  "Oh,  yes, 
sir,  and  milk  too."  "Very  well,"  was  the  reply,  "that  is 
all  the  food  I  need."  The  fears  of  the  good  woman  were 
soon  dissipated,  and  she  received  him  willingly. 


THE  FIFTH  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

John  Marshall,  the  most  eminent  of  our  chief  justices, 
was  born  in  Fauquier  County,  Virginia,  September  24, 
1755.  His  father  was  a  farmer  in  narrow  circumstances, 
but  of  decided  ability.  There  were  no  schools  in  what  was 
then  the  frontier  region,  and  the  early  education  of  the  fu- 
ture chief  justice  was  conducted  by  his  father,  aided  for 
about  a  year  by  the  clergyman  of  the  parish,  with  whom 
he  began  to  read  Horace  and  Livy.  By  his  own  unaided 
exertions  he  subsequently  became  a  fair  classical  scholar, 
and  was  intimately  acquainted  with  English  literature.  He 
had  just  begun  the  study  of  law  when  the  war  of  the  Eev- 
olution  broke  out.  In  1775  he  was  appointed  lieutenant  in 
a  company  of  minute-men.  He  afterward  became  captain 
in  a  Virginia  regiment  of  the  Continental  army,  and  was 
present  at  the  battles  of  Brandywine,  Germantown,  and 
Monmouth.  He  pursued  his  legal  studies  at  intervals  dur- 
ing the  war,  and  at  its  close  commenced  practice.  He  soon 
rose  to  eminence  at  the  bar  and  in  politics.  He  was  one 
of  the  small  but  distinguished  body  of  men  through  whose 


120 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


influence  Virginia  was  induced  to  accept  the  Federal  Con- 
stitution. In  1794  Washington  offered  him  the  post  of  At- 
torney General,  and  subsequently  the  mission  to  France. 
Both  offers  were  declined.  The  French  government  hav- 
ing refused  to  accept  Mr.  Pinckney  as  minister,  Mr.  Adams, 
who  was  then  President,  appointed  Mr.  Marshall  as  one  of 
three  envoys  to  that  country.  Shortly  after  his  return  he 
yielded  to  the  personal  solicitations  of  Washington,  and 
consented  to  become  a  candidate  for  Congress.  President 
Adams  at  the  same  time  offered  him  a  seat  on  the  bench 


of  the  Supreme  Court,  which  was  declined.  He  was  elect- 
ed to  Congress  after  a  sharp  contest,  taking  his  seat  in  De- 
cember, 1799.  During  the  excited  session  which  followed 
he  was  one  of  the  ablest  supporters  of  the  administration 
of  Mr.  Adams.  In  May,  1800,  he  was  nominated  and  con- 
firmed as  Secretary  of  War,  but  he  declined  to  accept  the 
appointment.  Shortly  after  he  accepted  the  post  of  Secre- 
tary of  State.  On  the  31st  of  January,  1801,  he  was  ap- 
pointed Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States,  a  position  which 
he  held  for  thirty-five  years,  until  his  death  in  July,  1835, 
at  the  age  of  eighty  years.  His  unquestioned  character, 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.         121 

sound  judgment,  and  felicitous  diction,  added  to  the  long 
period  during  which  he  held  his  seat,  and  the  magnitude 
of  the  questions  which  came  before  him  for  decision,  entitle 
Mr.  Marshall,  beyond  all  question,  to  the  first  place  in  the 
noble  list  of  our  chief  justices.  Besides  his  judicial  labors, 
he  was  the  author  of  a  "  History  of  the  American  Colonies," 
and  of  a  "  Life  of  Washington,"  which  we  must  still  regard 
as  the  best  yet  written. 

Marshall,  in  the  first  years  of  his  practice,  was  one  morn- 
ing strolling  through  the  streets  of  Richmond,  attired  in  a 
plain  linen  roundabout  and  shorts,  with  his  hat  under  his 
arm,  from  which  he  was  eating  cherries,  when  he  stopped 
in  the  porch  of  the  Eagle  Hotel,  indulged  in  some  little 
pleasantry  with  the  landlord,  and  then  passed  on.  Mr.  P., 
an  elderly  gentleman  from  the  country,  then  present,  had  a 
case  coming  on  in  the  Court  of  Appeals,  and  was  referred 
by  the  landlord  to  Marshall  as  the  best  advocate  for  him  to 
employ;  but  the  careless,  languid  air  of  the  young  lawyer 
had  so  prejudiced  Mr.  P.  that  he  refused  to  engage  him. 
On  entering  the  court  Mr.  P.  was  referred  a  second  time,  by 
the  clerk  of  the  court,  to  the  same  lawyer,  and  a  second 
time  declined.  At  this  moment  entered  Mr.  V.,  a  venera- 
ble-looking legal  gentleman,  in  a  powdered  wig  and  a  black 
coat,  whose  dignified  appearance  produced  such  an  im- 
pression on.  Mr.  P.  that  he  at  once  retained  him.  In  the 
first  case  which  came  on,  Marshall  and  Mr.  V.  each  address- 
ed the  court.  The  vast  inferiority  of  his  advocate  was  so 
apparent,  that,  at  the  close  of  the  argument,  Mr.  P.  intro- 
duced himself  to  young  Marshall,  frankly  stated  the  preju- 
dice which  had  caused  him,  in  opposition  to  advice,  to  em- 
ploy Mr.  P. ;  that  he  regretted  his  error  extremely,  but  did 
not  know  how  to  remedy  it.  He  had  come  into  the  city 
with  one  hundred  dollars  as  his  lawyer's  fee,  which  he  had 
paid,  and  had  but  five  left,  which,  if  Marshall  chose,  he 


122  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


would  cheerfully  give  him  for  assisting  in  the  case.  Mar- 
shall, pleased  with  the  incident,  accepted  the  offer,  not,  how- 
ever, without  passing  a  si  j  joke  at  the  omnipotence  of  a  pow- 
dered wig  and  a  black  coat. 

Marshall,  returning  from  North  Carolina,  wrapped  in  pro- 
found thought  on  some  knotty  point,  found  himself  sud- 
denly brought  to  a  halt  by  a  small  tree,  which  intervened 
between  the  front  wheel  and  the  body  of  his  buggy.  See- 
ing a  servant  at  a  short  distance,  he  asked  him  to  bring  an 
axe  and  cut  down  the  tree.  The  servant  told  the  judge 
that  there  was  no  occasion  for  cutting  down  the  tree,  but 
just  to  back  the  buggy.  Pleased  at  the  good  sense  of  the 
fellow,  he  told  him  that  he  would  leave  him  something  at 
the  inn  hard  by,  where  he  intended  to  stop,  having  then  no 
small  change.  In  due  time  the  negro  applied,  and  a  dollar 
was  handed  him.  Being  asked  if  he  knew  who  it  was  that 
gave  him  the  dollar,  he  replied,  "  No,  sir ;  I  concluded  he 
was  a  gentleman  by  his  leaving  the  money,  but  I  think  he 
is  the  biggest  fool  I  ever  saw." 

Chief  Justice  Marshall  once  indorsed  a  bond  amounting 
to  several  thousand  dollars,  and,  the  drawer  having  failed, 
he  was  called  upon  to  pay  it.  He  knew  the  bond  could  be 
avoided,  because  tfye  holder  had  advanced  the  money  at  a 
usurious  rate  of  interest ;  but  he  was  utterly  incapable  of 
throwing  off  the  moral  obligation  in  that  way,  and  paid  it 
voluntarily. 

In  passing  through  Culpepper  on  his  way  to  Fauquier, 
the  chief  justice  fell  in  company  with  Mr.  S.,  an  old  fellow- 
officer  in  the  army  of  the  Ee volution.  In  the  course  of  the 
conversation,  Marshall  learned  there  was  a  lien  upon  the 
estate  of  his  friend  to  the  amount  of  three  thousand  dollars 
about  due,  and  he  was  greatly  distressed  at  the  prospect  of 
impending  ruin.  On  bidding  farewell  Marshall  privately 
left  a  check  for  the  amount,  which  being  presented  to  Mr.  S. 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.          123 

after  his  departure,  he,  impelled  by  a  chivalrous  independ- 
ence, mounted  and  spurred  his  horse  till  he  overtook  his 
friend.  He  thanked  him  for  his  generosity,  but  refused  to 
accept  it.  Marshall  strenuously  insisted  on  its  acceptance, 
and  the  other  as  strongly  refused.  Finally  it  resulted  in  a 
compromise,  by  which  Marshall  took  security  on  the  lien, 
but  never  called  for  pay.  This  incident  only  illustrates  the 
active  benevolence  of  his  whole  life. 

The  following  pen -sketch  of  the  eminent  and  popular 
chief  justice  is  from  the  journal  of  an  English  traveler,  who 
spent  a  week  in  Eichmond  in  the  spring  of  1835 :  "  The 
judge  is  a  tall,  venerable  man,  about  eighty  years  of  age, 
his  hair  tied  in  a  cue,  according  to  the  olden  custom,  and 
with  a  countenance  indicating  that  simplicity  of  mind  and 
benignity  which  so  eminently  distinguish  his  character. 
As  a  judge  he  has  no  rival,  his  knowledge  being  profound, 
his  judgment  clear  and  just;  and  his  quickness  in  appre- 
hending either  the  fallacy  or  truth  of  an  argument  is  sur- 
prising. I  had  the  pleasure  of  several  long  conversations 
with  him,  and  was  struck  with  admiration  at  the  extraor- 
dinary union  of  modesty  and  power,  gentleness  and  force 
which  his  mind  displays.  "What  he  knows  he  communi- 
cates without  reserve ;  he  speaks  with  clearness  of  expres- 
sion, and  in  a  tone  of  simple  truth  which  compels  convic- 
tion; and  on  all  subjects  on  which  his  knowledge  is  not 
certain,  or  which  admit  of  doubt  or  argument,  he  delivers 
his  opinion  with  a  candid  diffidence,  and  with  a  deference 
for  that  of  others  amounting  almost  to  timidity ;  still,  it  is 
a  timidity  which  would  disarm  the  most  violent  opponent, 
and  win  respect  and  credence  from  any  auditor.  I  remem- 
ber having  often  observed  a  similar  characteristic  attributed 
to  the  immortal  Newton.  The  simplicity  of  his  character 
is  not  more  singular  than  that  of  his  life ;  pride,  ostenta- 
tion, and  hypocrisy  are  "Greek  to  him,"  and  he  really  lives 


124  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

up  to  the  letter  and  spirit  of  republicanism,  while  he  main- 
tains all  the  dignity  due  to  his  age  and  office.  His  house 
is  small,  and  more  humble  in  appearance  than  those  of  the 
average  of  successful  lawyers  or  merchants.  *  *  *  In 
short,  blending,  as  he  does,  the  simplicity  of  a  child  and  the 
plainness  of  a  republican  with  the  learning  and  ability  of  a 
lawyer,  the  venerable  dignity  of  his  appearance  would  not 
suffer  in  comparison  with  the  most  respected  and  distin- 
guished-looking peer  in  the  British  House  of  Lords." 

Miss  Martineau,  who  visited  Washington  the  winter  pre- 
ceding the  decease  of  the  venerable  Chief  Justice  Marshall, 
speaks  as  follows  of  one  trait  of  his  beautiful  character : 
"He  maintained  through  life,  and  carried  to  his  grave,  a 
reverence  for  woman  as  rare  in  its  kind  as  in  its  degree. 
It  had  all  the  theoretical  fervor  and  magnificence  of  Uncle 
Toby's,  with  the  advantage  of  being  grounded  upon  an  ex- 
tensive knowledge  of  the  sex.  He  was  the  father  and  grand- 
father of  women ;  and  out  of  this  experience  he  brought 
not  only  the  love  and  pity  which  their  offices  and  position 
command,  and  the  awe  of  purity  which  they  excite  in  the 
minds  of  the  pure,  but  a  steady  conviction  of  their  intellect- 
ual equality  with  men,  and  with  this  a  deep  sense  of  their 
social  injuries.  Throughout  life  he  so  invariably  sustain- 
ed their  cause  that  no  indulgent  libertine  dared  to  flatter 
and  humor,  no  skeptic,  secure  in  the  possession  of  power, 
dared  to  scoff  at  the  claims  of  woman  in  the  presence  of 
Marshall,  who,  made  clear-sighted  by  his  purity,  knew  the 
sex  far  better  than  either." 

The  chief  justice,  fearing  the  effects  of  age  upon  his  mind, 
and  anxious  that  in  "life's  last  scenes"  he  might  not  ex- 
hibit another  instance  of  the  "  follies  of  the  wise,"  had 
charged  his  confidential  friends  to  let  him  know  whenever 
they  perceived  the  slightest  abatement  in  his  intellectual 
vigor,  and  he  would  at  once  retire  from  the  bench.  But 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.         125 

they  never  had  occasion  to  perform  this  delicate  task.  At 
the  age  of  eighty  years,  his  intellect  remained  unclouded 
and  undimmed  to  the  last  moments  of  his  life. 


THE  SIXTH  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

Eoger  Brooke  Taney  was  born  in  Calvert  County,  Mary- 
land, March  17, 1777.  In  1831  President  Jackson  appoint- 
ed him  Attorney  General  of  the  United  States.  Two  years 
later,  Mr.  Duane,  then  Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  refused  to 
remove  the  government  deposits  from  the  United  States 


Bank ;  he  was  removed,  and  Mr.  Taney  was  appointed  in 
his  place.  The  Senate  refused  to  confirm  the  nomination ; 
but  in  the  mean  while  Mr.  Taney  had  obeyed  the  orders  of 
the  President,  and  removed  the  deposits.  Jackson  then 
nominated  him  as  Associate  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court, 
to  fill  a  vacancy  occasioned  by  the  resignation  of  Judge 
Duval.  The  Senate  refused  to  confirm  the  nomination. 
Chief  Justice  Marshall  died  in  1835,  and  Jackson  at  once 
nominated  Mr.  Taney  for  the  place.  The  Democrats,  hav- 
ing now  a  majority  in  the  Senate,  confirmed  the  nomina- 


126  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


tion,  and  Mr.  Taney  became  chief  justice — a  position  which 
he  retained  until  his  death',  October  12, 1864,  a  period  of 
twenty-seven  years.  Chief  Justice  Taney  is  best  known 
by  his  famous  "decision,"  or  rather  "opinion," in  the  Dred 
Scott  case,  in  which,  going  beyond  the  question  before  the 
court,  he  endeavored  to  settle  the  general  question  of  the 
status  of  persons  of  African  descent  in  the  United  States. 
Undeserved  obloquy  has  been  attached  to  him  on  account 
of  a  sentence  in  this  opinion  which  apparently  affirmed 
that  blacks  had  no  rights  which  whites  were  bound  to  re- 
spect. The  context  shows  that  this  was  the  very  reverse 
of  the  meaning  intended  to  be  conveyed  by  Judge  Taney. 
He  says  thas.it  is  now  difficult  to  realize  the  state  of  opin- 
ion on  this  subject  held  at  the  formation  of  our  govern- 
ment. Blacks  were  then  regarded  as  beings  of  an  inferior 
order,  "and  so  far  inferior  that  they  had  no  rights  which  the 
white  man  was  bound  to  respect."  This  outrageous  senti- 
ment is  mentioned  only  to  be  impliedly  condemned — the 
"  opinion"  of  the  chief  justice,  harsh  enough  as  he  gave  it, 
being  to  the  effect  that  no  person  whose  ancestors  were  im- 
ported and  sold  as  slaves  had  any  right  to  sue  in  a  court 
of  the  United  States,  or  could  become  citizens  of  the  Unit- 
ed States.  It  is  due  to  the  honor  of  our  highest  judicial 
tribunal  to  state  that  the  opinion  of  the  chief  justice  did 
not  affirm,  but  did,  by  plain  implication,  condemn  the  doc- 
trine that  such  persons  "  had  no  rights  which  whites  were 
bound  to  respect."  Mr.  Taney's  last  notable  public  act  was 
in  May,  1861,  when  the  case  of  John  Merryman  came  before 
him.  This  man  was  arrested  near  Baltimore  on  a  charge 
of  being  an  officer  in  a  company  raised  to  aid  the  rebellion. 
He  was  imprisoned  by  the  military  authorities  in  Fort 
M'Henry.  He  prayed  for  a  writ  of  habeas  corpus,  which 
was  granted  by  Judge  Taney.  General  Cadwalader,  the 
commander,  refused  to  obey,  on  the  ground  that  the  execu- 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.          127 

tion  of  the  writ  of  habeas  corpus  had  been  suspended  by  the 
President  in  the  State  of  Maryland.  The  judge  issued  an 
order  for  the  arrest  of  General  Cadwalader.  The  marshal 
was  not  allowed  to  serve  the  writ.  Judge  Taney  there- 
upon prepared  an  opinion  denying  the  right  of  the  Presi- 
dent to  suspend  the  writ,  and  affirming  that  it  was  the  duty 
of  all  military  officers  to  obey  it.  He  added  that  if  the  offi- 
cer had  been  brought  before  him  he  should  have  punished 
him  by  fine  and  imprisonment;  but,  as  he  had  no  force 
capable  of  carrying  his  order  into  effect,  he  should  report 
the  whole  case  to  the  President,  and  call  upon  him  to  en- 
force the  process  of  the  court.  No  farther  action  was  had 
on  the  case.  Mr.  Taney  was  aged  eighty-seven  at  the  time 
of  his  death,  nearly  forty  of  which  had  been  spent  in  the 
public  service.  He  owed  his  appointment  as  chief  j  ustice 
to  the  purely  partisan  services  which  he  rendered  to  Presi- 
dent Jackson.  As  a  jurist,  he  can  not  be  ranked  with  the 
great  men  who  had  occupied  his  seat  before  him.  His  ju- 
dicial integrity  has  never  been  impeached,  even  in  the  case 
of  his  unfortunate  opinion  in  the  Dred  Scott  case,  or  the 
later  and  equally  unfortunate  course  in  the  Merryman  case, 
by  which  he  will  be  chiefly  remembered  in  after  years. 


THE  SEVENTH  CHIEF  JUSTICE. 

Salmon  Portland  Chase,  now  Chief  Justice  of  the  United 
States-,  was  born  in  Cornish,  New  Hampshire,  January  13, 
1808.  His  father  having  died,  he  was  sent,  at  the  age  of 
twelve,  to  Ohio,  and  placed  under  the  care  of  his  uncle, 
Bishop  Chase.  After  studying  for  a  year  at  Cincinnati 
College  he  entered  Dartmouth  College,  in  New  Hamp- 
shire, from  which  he  graduated  in  1829.  He  went  to 
"Washington,  where  he  opened  a  school,  at  the  same  time 
studying  law  under  the  direction  of  William  Wirt.  Hav- 


128  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ing  been  admitted  to  the  bar,  he  went  to  Cincinnati,  and 
entered  upon  the  practice  of  his  profession.  To  this  for 
some  years  he  applied  himself  exclusively,  taking  no  prom- 
inent part  in  politics,  though  he  belonged  to  the  Democrat- 
ic party.  In  1841  he  first  took  a  decided  part  in  politics. 


He  was  then  a  member  of  the  Convention  of  those  opposed 
to  the  farther  extension  of  slavery,  and  was  the  author  of 
the  address  unanimously  adopted  by  that  body.  He  took 
a  prominent  part  in  all  the  subsequent  movements  having 
this  end  in  view,  and  was  president  of  the  Free  Soil  Demo- 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES,          129 

cratic  Convention  at  Buffalo  in  1848.  The  Democratic 
party  in  Ohio  had  at  this  time  assumed  the  position  of  hos- 
tility to  slavery  in  the  Territories.  Mr.  Chase  was  chosen 
United  States  senator  in  February.  1849,  receiving  the 
votes  of  all  the  Democratic  members  of  the  Legislature,  to- 
gether with  those  of  others  who  were  in  favor  of  free  soil. 
Though  elected  as  a  Democrat,  he  declared  that  if  the  party 
withdrew  from  its  position  in  regard  to  slavery,  he  should 
withdraw  from  it.  This  he  did  formally,  in  consequence 
of  the  action  of  the  Democratic  Convention  held  at  Balti- 
more in  1852.  When  the  Republican  party  was  organized, 
Mr.  Chase  took  the  position  of  one  of  its  acknowledged 
leaders.  Soon  after  the  close  of  his  senatorial  term  in  1855 
he  was  elected  Governor  of  Ohio.  He^  was  re-elected,  his 
second  term  closing  in  1860.  In  the  Republican  Conven- 
tion at  Chicago  in  that  year  he  was  next,  after  Mr.  Lincoln 
and  Mr.  Seward,  the  leading  candidate  for  the  presidency. 
He  had  in  the  mean  time  been  again  elected  to  the  Senate 
of  the  United  States,  and,  had  he  taken  his  place,  would 
undoubtedly  have  been  the  leader  in  that  body.  But  he 
resigned  his  seat  in  order  to  accept  the  position  of  Secretary 
of  the  Treasury — a  position  for  which  he  was  especially 
pointed  out  by  the  success  of  his  financial  policy  while 
Governor  of  Ohio.  It  is  honorable  to  all  the  persons  that 
the  three  leading  competitors  of  Mr.  Lincoln  for  the  presi- 
dential nomination  should  have  received  and  accepted  his 
nomination  as  members  of  his  cabinet.  As  the  presiden- 
tial canvass  of  1864  approached,  a  strong  effort  was  made  to 
bring  forth  Mr.  Chase  as  the  Union  candidate ;  but  the  cur- 
rent of  popular  feeling  was  so  unmistakably  in  favor  of  the 
re-election  of  Mr.  Lincoln  that  Mr.  Chase  refused  to  become 
a  candidate,  and  gave  his  cordial  support  to  Mr.  Lincoln. 
Meanwhile,  finding  that  Congress  hesitated  to  carry  out  the 
financial  system  which  he  proposed,  Mr.  Chase  had,  on  the 

I 


130  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


30th  of  June,  1864,  resigned  the  post  of  Secretary  of  the 
Treasury.  Almost  the  first  important  public  act  of  Mr. 
Lincoln  after  his  re-election  was  to  appoint  Mr.  Chase  to 
the  most  important  position  within  the  executive  nomina- 
tion. Mr.  Chase  entered  upon  the  duties  of  his  high  office 
at  the  age  of  fifty-six,  with  a  sound  legal  reputation,  and 
with  a  physical  vigor  which  gives  reason  to  hope  that  he 
may  be  able  to  perform  its  duties  for  a  period  as  long  as 
that  of  his  predecessor. 

Chief  Justice  Taney  was  the  author  of  the  saying  found 
in  his  opinion  in  the  case  of  Dred  Scott,  and  which  will  al- 
ways be  associated  with  his  name,  "  A  black  man  has  no 
rights  that  a  white  man  is  bound  to  respect."  The  present 
Chief  Justice  Chase  uttered  the  eloquent  aphorism,  "Con- 
gress has  no  more  power  to  make  a  slave  than  to  make  a 
king." 

The  following  has  been  told  of  Judge  Chase's  father : 

"  In  New  Hampshire  they  used  to  choose  all  their  state, 
county,  and  town  officers,  from  governor  down  to  hog- 
reeves,  at  one  town-meeting— the  annual  March  meeting. 
As  the  town  officers  were  very  numerous,  it  was  custom- 
ary, as  fast  as  they  were  chosen,  to  walk  them  up  before  a 
justice  of  the  peace,  and  have  them  sworn  into  office 
'by  companies,  half  companies,  pair,  and  single.'  'Squire^ 
Chase,'  of  Cornish  (father  of  Secretary  Chase),  being  the 
most  prominent  justice,  had  this  task  to  perform,  and  a  se- 
vere task  it  was,  occupying  much  of  his  time  from  morning 
till  night. 

"It  was  on  one  of  these  occasions,  after  the  labors  and 
toils  of  the  day  were  over,  he  returned  to  his  home  weary 
and  overcome  with  the  fatigues  of  his  employment,  and, 
throwing  himself  into  his  easy  -  chair,  fell  into  a  sound 
sleep.  In  the  mean  time,  a  couple,  who  had  been  waiting 
impatiently  for  some  time  for  the  justice  to  join  them  in 


CHIEF  JUSTICES  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES.          131 

wedlock,  presented  themselves  in  another  part  of  the  house, 
and  made  known  their  interesting  desire  to  Mrs.  Chase, 
who,  somewhat  confused  and  agitated,  attended  them  to  the 
sleeping  justice,  whom  she  found  it  difficult  to  arouse. 
Shaking  him  by  the  shoulder,  she  called  out,, '  Mr.  Chase, 
Mr.  Chase,  do  pray  wake  up ;  here  is  a  couple  come  to  be 
married.'  The  justice,  having  administered  oaths  all  day, 
was  dreaming  of  nothing  else.  Half  waked,  rubbing  his 
eyes,  and  looking  at  the  wistful  pair,  he  asked, 

"  'Are  you  the  couple?' 

"  They  nodded  assent. 

"  '  Well,  hold  up  your  hands.'  They  did  so,  with  some 
hesitation.  'You  severally  solemnly  swear  that  you  will 
faithfully  perform  the  duties  of  your  offices  respectively  ac- 
cording to  your  best  skill  and  judgment,  so  help  you,  etc.' 

"The  astonished  couple  looked  wild;  the  justice  added, 
soothingly, '  That's  all,  excepting  the  fee — one  dollar,'  which 
was  quickly  dropped  into  his  hand,  and  they  were  off, 
doubting  as  they  went  the  legality  of  the  process ;  but  they 
concluded  to  go  according  to  the  oath." 


THE   SUPREME   COURT  IN  1835. 

Miss  Martineau,  who  was  in  Washington  in  the  winter 
of  1835,  speaks  as  follows  of  a  session  of  the  Supreme  Court 
of  the  United  States,  when  the  venerable  and  accomplished 
Marshall  was  the  chief  justice :  "  This  court  presents  a  sin- 
gular spectacle.  I  have  watched  the  assemblage  while  the 
chief  justice  was  delivering  a  judgment,  the  three  judges 
on  either  hand  gazing  on  him  more  like  learners  than  asso- 
ciates ;  Webster  standing  firm  as  a  rock,  his  large,  deep-set 
eyes  wide  awake,  his  lips  compressed,  and  his  whole  coun- 
tenance in  that  intent  stillness  which  instantly  fixes  the  eye 
of  the  stranger ;  Clay  leaning  against  the  desk  in  an  atti- 


132  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


tude  whose  grace  contrasts  strangely  with  the  slovenly 
make  of  his  dress,  his  snuff-box  for  the  moment  unopened 
in  his, hand,  his  small  gray  eye  and  placid  half  smile  con- 
veying an  expression  of  pleasure,  which  redeems  his  face 
from  its  usual  unaccountable  commonness;  attorney  gen- 
eral, his  fingers  playing  among  his  papers,  his  quick  black 
eye,  and  thin,  tremulous  lips  for  once  fixed,  his  small  face 
pale  with  thought,  contrasting  remarkably  with  the  other 
two :  these  men,  absorbed  in  what  they  are  listening  to, 
thinking  neither  of  themselves  nor  of  each  other,  while 
they  are  watched  by  the  groups  of  idlers  and  listeners 
around  them — the  newspaper  corps,  the  dark  Cherokee 
chiefs,  the  straggler  from  the  far  West,  the  gay  ladies  in 
their  waving  plumes,  and  the  members  of  either  House  that 
have  stepped  in  to  listen — all  these  have  I  seen  at  one  mo- 
ment constitute  one  silent  assemblage,  while  the  mild  voice 
of  the  venerable  chief  justice  sounded  through  the  court." 


nf  tjp  ®nM  States. 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  135 


CHAPTER  IV. 

ANECDOTES  OF  DISTINGUISHED  ADVOCATES  OF  THE 
UNITED  STATES. 


ANECDOTES  OF  RUFUS  CHOATE. 

RUFUS  CHOATE  and  Chief  Justice  Shaw,  of  Massachu- 
setts, often  indulged  in  wordy  combats^  and  wit  was  gener- 
ally freely  expended  by  both  sides.  Choate  was  once  argu- 
ing a  cause  before  the  chief  justice  (who  was  one  of  the 
homeliest  men  ever  elevated  to  the  bench),  and,  to  express 
his  reverence  for  the  conceded  ability  of  the  judge,  said,  in 
yielding  to  an  adverse  decision, 

"  In  coming  into  the  presence  of  your  honor,  I  experi- 
ence the  same  feelings  the  Hindoo  does  when  he  bows  be- 
fore his  idol.  I  know  that  you  are  ugly,  but  I  feel  that  you 
are  great !" 

It  is  said  that  Choate  had  a  command  of  language,  and 
his  brain  teemed  with  a  wealth  of  diction  truly  marvelous. 
When  Judge  Shaw  first  heard  that  there  was  a  fresh  edi- 
tion of  Worcester's  Dictionary  out,  containing  2500  new 
words,  he  exclaimed,  "  For  heaven's  sake,  don't  let  Choate 
get  hold  of  it." 

Choate,  in  an  important  assault  and  battery  case  at  sea, 
had  Dick  Barton,  chief  mate  of  the  clipper  ship  Challenge, 
on  the  stand,  and  badgered  him  so  for  about  an  hour  that 
Dick  got  his  salt  water  up,  and  hauled  by  the  wind  to  bring 
the  keen  Boston  lawyer  under  his  batteries. 

At  the  beginning  of  his  testimony  Dick  said  that  the 


136  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


night  was  as  "  dark  as  the  devil,  and  raining  like  seven 
bells." 

Suddenly  Mr.  Choate  asked  him, 

"Was  there  a  moon  that  night?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Ah,  yes !  a  moon — 

"Yes,  a  full  moon." 

"Did  you  see  it?" 

"Not  a  mite." 

"  Then  how  do  you  know  that  there  was  no  moon?" 

"  The  Nautical  Almanac  said  so,  and  I'll  believe  that 
sooner  than  any  lawyer  in  this  world." 

"  What  was  the  principal  luminary  that  night,  sir  ?" 

"  Binnacle  lamp  aboard  the  Challenge." 

"  Ah !  you  are  growing  sharp,  Mr.  Barton." 

"  What  in  blazes  have  you  been  grinding  me  this  hour 
for — to  make  me  dull  ?" 

"Be  civil,  sir.  And  now  tell  me  what  latitude  and  lon- 
gitude you  crossed  the  equator  in  ?" 

"  Sho' — you're  joking." 

"  No,  sir,  I  am  in  earnest,  and  I  desire  you  to  answer  me." 

"  I  shaVt." 

"  Ah  !  you  refuse,  do  you?" 

"  Yes— I  can't." 

"  Indeed !  You  are  the  chief  mate  of  a  clipper  ship,  and 
are  unable  to  answer  so  simple  a  question  ?" 

"  Yes,  'tis  the  simplest  question  I  ever  had  asked  me. 
Why,  I  thought  every  fool  of  a  lawyer  knew  that  there 
ain't  no  latitude  at  the  equator." 

That  shot  floored  Eufus. 

As  Mr.  Choate  was  cross-questioning  a  witness,  he  asked 
him  what  profession  he  followed  for  a  livelihood.  The 
witness  replied, 

"  I  am  a  candle  of  the  Lord — a  minister  of  the  Gospel." 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  137 

"Of  what  denomination?"  asked  the  counselor. 

"  A  Baptist,"  replied  the  witness. 

"  Then,"  said  Mr.  Choate,  "you  are  a  dipt,  but  I  trust  not 
a  wick-ed  candle." 

In  1841  Mr.  Choate  was  engaged  in  a  divorce  suit  on  the 
part  of  the  husband  to  procure  a  bill  of  separation  from  his 
wife.  The  principal  witness  for  his  client  was  a  woman 
named  Abigail  Bell.  On  the  cross-examination,  Mr.  Sum- 
ner,  the  opposing  counsel,  asked  her, 

"  Are  you  married  ?" 

"No." 

"  Have  you  children  ?" 

"No." 

"  Have  you  a  child  ?" 

Then  there  was  a  long  and  distressing  pause.  At  last 
the  monosyllable  "  Yes"  was  fully  uttered  by  the  witness. 
Instantly  the  counsel  ceased  the  cross-examination.  Of 
course,  her  evidence,  where  there  was  a  conflict  of  testi- 
mony, was  immensely  damaged  in  the  eyes  of  the  jury  by 
this  fact  confessed  by  the  maiden  mother.  Choate  did  not 
ask  any  question  in  reply  or  explanation,  and  she  stepped 
down  from  the  witness-stand  a  blackened  woman. 

When  he  came,  in  the  course  of  his  argument,  to  reply  to 
that  part  of  his  case  which  rested  on  her  evidence,  he  took 
her  character  in  hand.  The  court-room  hushed  the  mo- 
ment he  said,  "  Abigail  Bell's  evidence,  gentlemen,  is  be- 
fore you."  Raising  himself  up  with  great  firmness,  he  went 
on,  "  I  solemnly  assert  there  is  not  the  dream  of  a  shadow 
of  a  shade  of  doubt  or  of  suspicion  on  that  evidence,  or  on 
her  character." 

Every  body  looked  stupefied  with  astonishment  at  these 
words.  Solemnly  he  proceeded : 

"  What  though,  in  an  unguarded  moment,  she  may  have 
trusted  too  far  to  the  young  man  to  whom  she  had  pledged 


138  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

her  untried  affections,  to  whom  she  was  to  have  been  wed- 
ded on  the  next  Lord's  day,  and  who  was  suddenly  struck 
dead  at  her  feet  by  a  stroke  of  lightning  out  of  the  heavens !" 

Then  he  made  another  of  his  tremendous  pauses,  snuff- 
ing the  air,  and  his  strange,  dark  eyes  lowered  over  tl^e 
jury,  while  they  took  in  this  romantic  and  extraordinary 
explanation.  The  whole  court -room  felt  its  force,  and 
lighted  up  as  if  a  feeling  of  relief  had  been  experienced  by 
every  one  present.  There  was  a  buzz,  a  stir,  a  universal 
sensation,  and  then  again  Choate  rolled  along  under  full 
headway.  He  won  his  case,  and  this  tragic  story,  to  save 
the  character  of  the  fair  witness,  was  the  offspring  of  his 
fertile  fancy. 

The  use  of  the  expression  from  Sophocles,  "the  dream 
of  the  shadow  of  a  shade,"  in  the  last  anecdote  of  Choate, 
shows  that  he  could  be  extravagant  when  necessary.  In  a 
speech  at  the  beginning  of  the  Mexican  War  Mr.  Choate  op- 
posed an  invasion  of  the  Mexican  territory,  advocating  the 
policy  of  keeping  the  United  States  army  within  the  line 
of  boundary  claimed  by  our  government.  In  answer  to 
this,  it  was  urged  that  such  a  policy  would  prolong  the  war ; 
that  the  Mexicans  did  not  agree  to  this  boundary,  and  that 
they  would  be  sending  armies  continually  into  the  field  to 
harass  our  troops.  This  Mr.  Choate  energetically  denied. 
"  No,  sir,"  said  he ;  "  draw  a  line  with  the  sword  where  the 
United  States  are  resolved  it  should  be  drawn,  and  no  Mex- 
ican army  will  dare  come  within  a  thousand  miles  of  that  line 
for  a  thousand  years  /" 

In  maintaining  the  worthlessness  of  certain  testimony 
offered  upon  the  other  side,  in  a  case  in  which  he  was  en- 
gaged, Mr.  Choate  said,  "  It  would  be  as  difficult  to  find  a 
grain  of  truth  in  that  testimony  as  to  find  a  drop  of  water 
spilled  in  the  Desert  of  Sahara  in  the  times  of  the  Crusaders  /" 

Speaking  in  excuse  of  a  man  who  had  borrowed  largely 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  139 

in  the  prosecution  of  an  enterprise  that  failed  of  success, 
and  thus  cruelly  disappointed  his  creditors,  Mr.  Choate  said, 
"  Suddenly,  as  the  lightning  blazes  in  the  summer  sky,  all 
his  vernal  hopes  of  promise  perished  in  autumnal  rigor" 

In  a  speech  in  defense  of  the  judiciary  in  a  Constitutional 
Convention,  Choate  was  inquired  of  directly  by  a  suspicious 
member  as  to  whether  he  had  not  heard  particular  acts  of 
the  judges  commented  on  very  unfavorably.  He  proceed- 
ed to  answer  very  slowly  and  solemnly,  saying, 

"  Sir,  I  have  known  and  loved  many  men,  many  wom- 
en"— (here  there  was  a  subdued  titter  in  the  house:  he 
raised  himself  up  erect,  his  eyes  flashed  with  a  sublime  ar- 
dor as  he  repeated  in  a  most  solemn  tone) — "ay,  many 
beautiful  women,  of  the  living  and  of  the  dead,  of  the  purest 
and  the  noblest  of  earth  and  skies,  but  I  never  knew  one, 
I  never  heard  of  one,  if  conspicuous  enough  to  attract  any 
considerable  observation,  whom  the  breath  of  calumny  or 
sarcasm  always  wholly  spared.  Did  the  learned  gentleman 
who  interrogates  me  ever  know  one  ? 

"  '  Be  them  as  chaste  as  ice,  as  pure  as  snow, 
Thou  shall  not  escape  calumny. '  " 

It  is  related  that  Mr.  Choate  wrote  three  hands:  one 
which  he  could  read,  and  his  clerk  could  not ;  one  which 
his  clerk  could  read,  and  himself  could  not ;  and  a  third 
which  nobody  could  read.  Some  of  his  friends  used  to  tell 
him  jestingly  that  he  had  better  get  the  appointment  of 
minister  to  China,  where  he  could  employ  his  leisure  in  let- 
tering tea-chests  with  his  pen. 


GRACEFUL   COMPLIMENTS. 

Judge  Story  and  Edward  Everett  were  once  the  prom- 
inent personages  at  a  public  dinner  in  Boston.  The  for- 
mer, as  a  voluntary  toast,  gave  the  following: 


140 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Fame  follows  merit  where  Everett  goes!" 


The  gentleman  thus  delicately  complimented  at  once 
arose,  and  replied  with  this  equally  felicitous  impromptu : 

"To  whatever  height  judicial  learning  may  attain  in  this 
country,  there  will  always  be  one  Story  higher." 


•AN  INCORRUPTIBLE  JUDGE. 

The  integrity  of  Judge  Sewall,  of  Massachusetts,  like  that 
of  Chief  Justice  Marshall,  is  a  favorite  recollection  with  the 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  14 1 

members  of  the  legal  profession.  It  is  related  of  him  that 
he  went  one  day  into  a  hatter's  shop  to  purchase  a  pair  of 
second-hand  brushes  for  cleaning  his  shoes.  The  master 
of  the  shop  presented  him  with  a  couple. 

"  What  is  your  price  ?"  said  the  judge. 

"  If  they  will  answer  your  purpose,"  replied  the  other, 
"you  may  have  them  and  welcome." 

The  judge,  upon  hearing  this,  laid  them  down,  and  bow- 
ing, was  leaving  the  shop,  upon  which  the  latter  said  to 
him, 

"  Pray,  sir,  your  honor  has  forgotten  the  principal  object 
of  your  visit." 

"  By  no  means,"  answered  the  judge.  "  If  you  please  to 
set  a  price,  I  am  ready  to  purchase ;  but  ever  since  it  has 
fallen  to  my  lot  to  occupy  a  seat  on  the  bench,  I  have  stu- 
diously avoided  receiving  any  present  to  the  value  of  a 
single  copper,  lest  at  some  future  period  of  my  life  it  might 
have  some  kind  of  influence  in  determining  my  judgment." 


ANECDOTES  OF  HENRY  CLAY. 

In  the  long  dispute  between  the  States  of  Virginia  and 
Kentucky,  growing  out  of  what  was  termed  the  "  occupy- 
ing claimant  laws,"  Henry  Clay  was  retained  by  Kentucky 
to  maintain  her  rights  before  "that  tribunal  in  the  last  re- 
sort," the  Supreme  Court  of  the  United  States.  The  then 
Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representatives  was  to  appear  for 
the  first  time  before  that  elevated,  dignified,  and  venerable 
body,  and  a  large  concourse  of  spectators  was  attracted  by 
a  natural  curiosity  to  determine  whether  the  orator  of  the 
West  would  be  able  to  sustain  his  reputation  upon  this  new 
and  untried  theatre. 

When  he  rose,  it  was  with  some  slight  agitation  of  man- 
ner ;  but  he  soon  recovered  his  wonted  composure,  and  held 


142 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


his  auditors  in  admiring  attention  while  he  pronounced  a 
most  beautiful  eulogium  upon  the  character  of  the  sons  of 
Kentucky.  The  judges  sat,  in  their  black  robes  of  office, 
sedate  and  attentive.  Judge  Washington,  who  was  in  the 
habit  of  indulging  himself  with  an  occasional  pinch  of  snuff, 


had  taken  out  his  snuff-box  for  a  little  of  that  titillating 
restorative,  and  Mr.  Clay,  on  observing  it,  instantly  stopped, 
and  advancing  gracefully  to  the  bench,  participated  with 
the  judge  in  the  refreshment  of  his  nasal  organs. 
As  he  applied  the  pinch,  he  observed, 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA  TES.  143 

"I  perceive  that  your  honor  sticks  to  the  Scotch,"  and 
immediately  resuming  his  stand,  he  proceeded  in  his  argu- 
ment without  the  least  embarrassment.  So  extraordinary 
a  step  over  the  usual  barrier  which  separates  the  court  and 
the  barristers  excited  not  a  little  astonishment  and  admira- 
tion among  the  spectators,  and  it  was  afterward  aptly  re- 
marked by  Judge  S.,  in  relating  the  circumstance  to  a 
friend,  that  "  he  did  not  believe  there  was  a  man  in  the 
United  States  who  could  have  done  that  but  Henry  Clay." 

It  is  known  that  Mr.  Clay  was  remarkable  for  his  recol- 
lection effaces.  A  curious  incident  of  this  wonderful  pow- 
er is  told  of  his  visit  to  Jackson,  Mississippi,  in  the  year 
18 — .  On  his  way  the  cars  stopped  at  Clinton  for  a  few 
moments,  when  an  eccentric,  but  strong-minded  old  man 
made  his  way  up  to  him,  exclaiming,  as  he  did  so,  "  Don't 
introduce  me,  for  I  want  to  see  if  Mr.  Clay  will  know  me." 

"Where  did  I  know  you?"  said  Mr.  Clay. 

"In  Kentucky,"  answered  the  keen-sighted,  but  one-eyed 
old  man. 

Mr.  Clay  struck  his  long,  bony  finger  upon  his  forehead, 
as  if  in  deep  thought.  "  Have  you  lost  that  eye  since  I  saw 
you,  or  had  you  lost  it  before?"  inquired  Mr.  Clay. 

"Since,"  said  the  man. 

"  Then  turn  the  sound  side  of  your  face  to  me,  that  I 
may  get  your  profile." 

Mr.  C.  paused  for  a  moment,  his  thoughts  running  back 
many  years.  "  I  have  it !"  said  he.  "  Did  you  not  give  me 
a  verdict  as  juror,  at  Frankfort,  Kentucky,  in  the  great  case 
of  the  United  States  vs.  Innis,  twenty-one  years  ago?" 

"  I  did !  I  did !"  said  the  overjoyed  old  man. 

"And  is  not  your  name,"  said  Mr.  Clay,  "Hardwicke?" 

"  It  is,  it  is,"  replied  Dr.  Hardwicke,  bursting  into  tears. 
"  Did  I  not  tell  you,"  he  said  to  his  friends,  "  that  he  knew 
mo,  though  I  have  not  seen  him  from  that  time  to  this? 
Great  men  never  forget  faces." 


144  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ANECDOTES  OF  AARON  BURR. 

When  Aaron  Burr  returned  to  New  York  city  to  prac- 
tice law  after  his  voluntary  exile  in  Europe,  he  found  the 
late  Rev.  Jedediah  Burchard,  then  a  celebrated  revivalist, 
holding  a  series  of  protracted  meetings  in  his  family  church. 
He  attended  from  habit,  always  went  late,  and  disturbed 
the  services  by  attracting  to  himself  the  attention  of  the 
audience  on  account  of  his  infamous  notoriety  as  the  man 
who  shot  Alexander  Hamilton,  and  who  had  been  tried  for 


treason.  Mr.  Burchard  resolved  to  rebuke  him  openly. 
The  next  Sabbath,  when  he  came  in  and  got  about  half 
way  up  the  aisle,  the  clergyman  paused  in  his  discourse, 
and  pointing  at  Colonel  Burr,  said,  in  the  most  scathing 
manner,  "  You  hoary-headed  old  sinner,  I'll  appear  against 
you  at  the  day  of  judgment!"  The  proud,  defiant  old 
man,  standing  erect  as  ever,  with  that  perfect  composure 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  145 

which  never  deserted  him,  and  fixing  his  fine  gray  eyes  on 
the  occupant  of  the  pulpit,  replied,  "  Mr.  Burchard,  I  have 
observed  through  a  long  course  of  professional  experience 
that  the  very  meanest  class  of  criminals  are  those  who  turn 
States'  evidence!" 

It  was  a  favorite  saying  of  this  astute  legal  practitioner, 
"  That  is  law  which  is  clearly  stated  and  plausibly  main- 
tained." 

When  Burr  was  being  tried  for  treason  at  Eichmond, 
among  the  young  gentlemen  of  the  town  who  had  succeed- 
ed in  forcing  their  way  into  the  room  was  Winfield  Scott, 
then  just  admitted  to  the  bar.  He  stood  at  the  massive 
lock  of  the  great  door,  above  the  crowd,  in  full  view  of  the 
prisoner,  who  observed  him,  harassed  even  as  he  was  by 
the  incidents  of  the  great  trial.  Years  afterward  they  met. 
Scott  was  then  the  lauded  hero  of  the  War  of  1812,  Burr 
was  a  ruined  adventurer.  On  the  e^ning  of  the  day  on 
which  he  was  first  named  General,  Scott  found  himself  at 
the  house  of  a  distinguished  politician  in  Albany,  where  a 
little  supper  was  to  celebrate  his  promotion. 

"  Have  you  any  objection,  general,  to  be  introduced  to 
Colonel  Aaron  Burr?"  inquired  the  giver  of  the  feast. 

"Any  gentleman  whom  you  may  choose  to  invite  to 
your  house,"  replied  the  general,  "  I  shall  be  glad  to  know." 

Colonel  Burr  entered ;  the  introduction  took  place ;  the 
party  sat  down  to  whist  until  the  supper  was  announced. 
At  the  table  the  old  colonel  and  the  young  general  sat 
opposite  to  each  other,  but  no  particular  conversation  oc- 
curred between  them  for  some  time.  Meanwhile  General 
Scott,  ever  as  courteous  as  brave,  forbore  to  pronounce  the 
word  Eichmond  or  even  Virginia,  lest  it  should  excite  pain- 
ful feelings  in  the  mind  of  a  fellow-man.  Suddenly  Colo- 
nel Burr  looked  up  and  said, 

"  General  Scott,  I've  seen  you  before." 

K 


14G  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Have  you,  indeed?"  rejoined  the  general,  supposing 
that  he  referred  to  some  military  scene,  or  other  public  oc- 
casion in  which  he  had  figured. 

"Yes,"  continued  Burr,  "I  saw  you  at  my  trial." 

On  one  occasion,  when  Burr  was  a  prisoner  in  Louisville, 
Ky.,  on  his  way  to  Bichmond  to  be  tried  for  treason,  the 
populace  outside  the  building  was  excited  to  the  highest 
degree,  and  made  a  demonstration  as  if  they  would  seize 
and  maltreat  him.  Henry  Clay,  just  then  rising  into  fame, 
became  somewhat  alarmed  for  Burr's  safety,  and  in  that 
courtly  manner  for  which  he  was  always  so  remarkable, 
said, 

"Mr.  Burr,  whatever  may  be  the  excitement  in  the 
street,  depend  upon  it  1  will  be  answerable  for  your  per- 
sonal safety." 

At  the  remark  the  fine  eye  of  Burr  flashed  with  lurid 
fire,  and,  drawing  h^nself  up  with  a  dignity  that  seemed 
overpowering,  he  replied, 

"  Mr.  Clay,  I  have  never  been  placed  in  any  circum- 
stances where  I  could  not  protect  myself." 


OUT  OF  THE  JURISDICTION. 

The  late  Judge  Pearce,  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  the 
State  of  Ohio,  was  a  noted  wag.  A  young  lawyer  was 
once  making  his  first  effort  before  him,  and  had  thrown 
himself,  on  the  wings  of  his  imagination,  far  into  the  upper 
regions,  and  was  seemingly  preparing  for  a  higher  ascent, 
when  the  judge  struck  his  rule  on  the  desk  two  or  three 
times,  exclaiming  to  the  astonished  orator, 

"  Hold  on,  hold  on,  my  dear  sir.  Don't  go  any  higher, 
for  you  are  already  out  of  the  jurisdiction  of  this  court." 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  147 


RELATED  TO  THE  JUDGE. 

Judge  B ,  late  one  of  the  judges  of  the  Eighth  Dis- 
trict of  the  State  of  New  York,  was  a  most  amiable  man, 
whose  honor  was  unsullied,  and  who  hated  a  mean  action 
as  every  such  character  must.  At  the  Genesee  Circuit  he 
was  hearing  an  action  in  which  one  of  the  parties  happen- 
ed to  be  a  namesake  of  his.  During  the  trial,  the  party, 
having  an  opportunity,  and  thinking  probably  to  gain  some 
advantage  by  it,  approached  the  judge  and  said, 

"We  are  of  the  same  name,  judge.  I've  been  making 
inquiries,  and  find  we  are  some  relation  to  each  other." 

"  Ah !"  said  the  judge,  "  is  that  so  ?    Are  you  sure  of  it  ?" 

"  Oh  yes,"  said  he,  "  no  doubt  of  it." 

"Well,"  said  the  judge,  "I'm  very  glad  to  hear  that — 
very  glad  indeed.  I  shall  get  rid  of  your  case ;  I  shall  dis- 
miss it,  because  I  can  not  sit  in  a  suit  where  I  am  related 
to  one  of  the  parties." 

This  was  a  little  more  than  the  party  had  bargained  for, 
and  he  began  at  once  to  paddle  off.  After  a  few  inquiries 
as  to  the  judge's  ancestry,  and  their  residence,  etc., 

"I  think,  judge,"  said  he,  "I  was  mistaken.  We  are  of 
quite  different  families,  and  not  at  all  related." 

"  Ah  I"  says  the  judge,  "  is  that  so  ?" 

"  Oh  yes,"  said  he,  "  there  is  no  mistake  about  it." 

"  Well,"  replied  the  judge,  in  a  very  emphatic  tone,  "  I'm 
glad  to  learn  that-^-very  glad.  I  should  hate  awfully  to 
be  related  to  a  man  mean  enough  to  attempt  to  influence  a 
court  as  you  have  1" 


HANDLING  A  WITNESS  WITHOUT  GLOVES. 

Colonel  L ,  who  was  at  one  time  one  of  the  most  dis- 
tinguished practitioners  in  the  criminal  courts  of  the  city 


148  BENCH  AND  BAIL 


of  Philadelphia,  on  a  certain  occasion  was  for  the  prosecu- 
tion, and  his  witnesses  had  been  subjected  to  a  terrible 
cross-examination  from  Mr.  Ingraham,  who  appeared  for 
the  defense.  After  the  testimony  for  the  state  had  closed, 
Colonel  L said  to  his  opponent, 

"  Now,  Mr.  Ingraham,  I  intend  to  handle  jour  witnesses 
without  gloves." 

"  That  is  more  than  I  would  like  to  do  with  yours,"  re- 
sponded Mr.  Ingraham. 


ANECDOTES  OF  JOHN  RANDOLPH. 

When  John  Eandolph  visited  Eichmond  it  was  his  habit 
to  stop  at  the  Eagle  Hotel,  and  to  drive  his  own  horse 
around  to  the  stables'  on  another  street.  On  one  of  these 
occasions,  while  performing  this  latter  operation,  he  was 
arrested  by  a  country  wagon  standing  before  a  grocery 
store  kept  by  one  Simpson  and  his  wife — the  wife  being 
the  man  of  the  two — and  Eandolph,  being  impeded  in  his 
passage  of  the  narrow  street,  ordered  the  countryman  to  get 
out  of  his  way.  The  frightened  fellow  tried  to  do  so,  but 
Eandolph  was  too  impatient,  and,  springing  out  of  his  own 
wagon,  put  after  the  countryman,  who  took  refuge  in  the 
grocery.  As  Eandolph  rushed  in,  Mrs.  S.  was  coming  out 
with  a  bucket  of  dirty  water  in  her  hand,  and,  seeing  the 
excitement  of  the  intruder,  demanded  of  him  where  he  was 
going. 

"  Madam,"  said  Eandolph,  in  his  shrillest  key,  "  do  you 
know  who  you  are  speaking  to?"  And  then,  drawing 
himself  up  to  his  fullest  lankitude,  he  exclaimed,  "  I  am 
John  Eandolph,  of  Eoanoke." 

"  I  don't  care,"  said  she,  "  who  you  are  ;  but  if  you  ain't 
out  of  this  house  in  a  minute,  you'll  get  this  bucket  of  slops 
in  your  face." 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  149 

Suiting  the  action  to  the  threat,  she  raised  the  bucket, 
and  would  have  dashed  it  over  the  statesman  had  not  his 
discretion,  for  the  first  and  only  time,  got  the  better  of  his 
valor.  Turning  on  his  heel,  he  beat  a  hasty  retreat,  and 
left  the  woman  mistress  of  the  field. 


John  Randolph  was  once  in  a  tavern,  lying  on  a  sofa  in 
the  parlor,  waiting  for  the  stage  to  come  to  the  door.  A 
dandified  chap  stepped  into  the  room  with  a  whip  in  his 
hand,  just  come  from  a  drive,  and,  standing  before  the  mir- 
ror, arranged  his  hair  and  collar,  quite  unconscious  of  the 
presence  of  the  gentleman  on  the  sofa.  After  attitudinizing 
a  while,  he  turned  to  go  out,  when  Mr.  Randolph  asked 
him, 

"  Has  the  stage  come  ?" 

"Stage,  sir!  stage!"  said  the  fop;  "I've  nothing  to  do 
with  it,  sir." 


150  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Oh!  I  beg  your  pardon,"  said  Randolph,  quietly ;  "/ 
thought  you  were  the  driver!" 

Mr.  Randolph  was  traveling  through  a  part  of  Virginia  in 
which  he  was  unacquainted  with  either  people  or  routes,  and 
stopped  during  one  night  at  an  inn  near  the  forks  of  two 
roads.  The  inn-keeper  was  a  fine  gentleman,  and,  no  doubt, 
of  one  of  the  first  families  of  the  Old  Dominion.  Knowing 
who  his  distinguished  guest  was,  he  endeavored  during  the 
evening  to  draw  him  into  a  conversation,  but  failed  in  all 
his  efforts.  But  in  the  morning,  when  Mr.  Randolph  was 
ready  to  start,  he  called  for  his  bill,  which,  on  being  pre- 
sented, was  paid.  The  landlord,  still  anxious  to  have  some 
conversation  with  him,  began  as  follows : 

"  Which  way  are  you  traveling,  Mr.  Randolph  ?" 

"  Sir  ?"  said  Mr.  Randolph,  with  a  look  of  displeasure. 

"  I  asked,"  said  the  landlord,  "  which  way  are  you  trav- 
eling?" 

"  Have  I  paid  you  my  bill  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Do  I  owe  you  any  thing  more  ?" 

"No." 

"Well,  I'm  going  just  where  I  please;  do  you  under- 
stand?" 

"Yes." 

The  landlord  by  this  time  got  somewhat  excited,  and 
Mr.  Randolph  drove  off.  But,  to  the  landlord's  surprise,  in 
a  few  minutes  he  sent  one  of  the  servants  to  inquire  which 
of  the  forks  of  the  road  to  take.  Mr.  Randolph  not  being 
out  of  hearing  distance,  the  landlord  spoke  at  the  top  of 
his  breath,  "  Mr.  Randolph,  you  don't  owe  me  one  cent ; 
just  take  which  road  you  please." 

It  is  said  that  the  air  turned  blue  with  the  curses  of  Ran- 
dolph. 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  LAWYERS.  151 


AN  AUGUST  TRIBUNAL. 

The  late  Justice  Butterfield  was  well  known  as  one  of 
the  most  eminent  lawyers  of  Illinois.  With  a  cold  and  im- 
passive manner,  he  was  capable  of  enlivening  the  dryest 
legal  argument  with  the  keenest  wit. 

On  one  occasion  he  was  retained  by  the  celebrated  Joe 
Smith,  the  Mormon  prophet,  to  defend  him  upon  an  indict- 
ment for  treason  before  the  United  States  Court  at  Spring- 
field. Judge  Pope  had  permitted,  with  his  usual  gallantry, 
a  large  number  of  fair  ladies  to  occupy  the  ample  room  in 
close  proximity  to  the  judge.  A  large  number  of  specta- 
tors from  all  parts  of  the  state  crowded  the  court-room. 
Mr.  Butterfield  arose  in  his  usual  solemn  and  dignified 
manner,  and  began  the  defense  in  this  wise : 

"  May  it  please  the  court  and  gentlemen  of  the  jury — I 
arise  before  the  'Pope,'  in  the  presence  of  Angels,  to  defend 
the  Prophet  of  the  Lord."  The  inspiration  of  the  defend- 
er continued  to  the  termination  of  a  successful  defense  of  the 
defended. 


AN  OLD-TIME  ANECDOTE. 

The  following  legal  anecdote,  belonging  to  the  history  of 
another  age,  is  thus  graphically  related  by  an  eye-witness 
to  the  scene : 

"  It  was,  I  think,  in  the  winter  of  1816-17,  or  17-'18, 
that  business  called  me  to  Trenton,  New  Jersey.  While 
there  I  was  informed  that  an  interesting  trial  was  in  prog- 
ress before  the  chancellor,  Mahlon  Dickerson  (who  was 
also  governor),  to  test  the  validity  of  a  will.  By  the  will 
property  to  the  amount  of  $100,000  had  been  bequeathed 

to  a  man  whom  we  will  call  H ,  who,  if  I  remember 

aright,  was  not  related  to  the  testator,  but  who  had  been 


152  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


much  with  him  during  his  last  illness.  The  heirs-at-law 
determined  to  contest  the,  will  on  the  ground  of  fraud,  and 
had  employed  as  counsel  Joseph  Hopkinson,  author  of 
'  Hail  Columbia,'  and  Alexander  J.  Dallas,  both  of  Phila- 
delphia, and  both,  as  you  know,  of  great  celebrity.  When 
I  entered  the  court-room  Mr.  Dallas  was  delivering  the 
closing  argument  for  the  plaintiffs.  He  was  standing  im- 
mediately opposite  the  chancellor,  at  a  table  some  three  feet 
wide,  on  the  other  side  of  which  sat  H ,  his  head  rest- 
ing on  his  hand,  and  looking  directly  in  the  face  of  the 
speaker,  his  countenance  wearing  an  expression  of  mingled 
rage  and  anxiety,  which  he  endeavored  to  conceal  by  a  sort 
of  sickly  smile.  All  at  once  Mr.  Dallas  ceased  speaking ; 
a  breathless  silence  of  about  half  a  minute  succeeded,  when 
the  following  episode  took  place : 

"  'Mr. Chancellor,'  he  resumed, '  ever  since  the  commence- 
ment of  my  argument,  in  which  I  have  endeavored,  to  the 
best  of  my  ability,  to  trace  and  expose  this  most  atrocious 
attempt  to  defraud  my  clients  of  their  rightful  inheritance, 
this  man,  the  defendant,  who,  during  the  whole  of  this  trial, 
has  exhibited,  an  effrontery  that  I  have  rarely  seen  equal- 
ed, has  chosen  to  place  himself  in  most  offensive  proximity 
to  my  person ;  and  in  hope,  I  presume,  that  he  may  embar- 
rass me,  has  been  smiling  and  smirking  in  my  face.  May 
it  please  your  honor,  smiles  are  as  multiform  as  the  char- 
acters and  dispositions  of  men.  There  is  the  smile  of  con- 
scious innocence,  which  sparkles  in  the  eye  and  mantles 
on  the  cheek,  and,  wherever  encountered,  it  exerts  a  power 
that  is  always  irresistible.  Whether  in  the  marble  palace 
or  the  lowly  cottage,  that  heaven-born  smile  unconsciously 
challenges,  and  as  surely  receives,  the  instinctive  homage 
of  every  true-hearted  man.  But,  sir,  there  is  another  smile, 
and  of  a  far  different  character.  It  is  that  which  the  black- 
est villainy  can  assume  when  it  would  hide  the  loathsome- 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO  CA  TES.  153 

ness  of  its  own  deformity.  It  was  that  which  sat  upon  the 
features  of  the  regicide  of  Claudius,  whom  Hamlet,  if  my 
memory  serves  me,  thus  apostrophizes : 

"  'Oh!  villain,  villain,  smiling,  damned  villain ! 
My  tables — meet  it  is  I  set  it  down 
That  one  may  smile  and  smile,  and  be  a  villain ! ' " 

The  effect  of  this  withering  rebuke,  deriving  its  force 
not  more  from  the  words  than  the  manner  of  the  speaker, 
was  electrical  upon  bench,  bar,  and  auditory  ;  and  the  piti- 
able creature  against  whom  it  was  directed,  his  face  redden- 
ing to  the  very  roots  of  his  hair,  seized  his  hat,  and,  elbow- 
ing his  way  through  the  dense  crowd,  made  his  escape,  and 
was  seen  no  more  in  that  court-room.  The  will  was  set 
aside. 

That  was  the  last  speech  of  Alexander  J.  Dallas.  He 
was  taken  sick  that  night ;  the  next  morning  he  and  Mr. 
Hopkinson  started  for  home,  but  he  died  before  he  reached 
it,  and  then  was  lost  to  his  country  a  man  who,  as  orator, 
jurist,  statesman,  and  patriot,  had  but  few  superiors. 


WIRT  AND   WEBSTER  IN  A  TRIAL  OF  WIT. 

Daniel  Webster  was  once  engaged  in  the  trial  of  a  case 
in  one  of  the  Virginia  courts,  and  the  opposing  counsel  was 
William  Wirt,  author  of  the  "Life  of  Patrick  Henry,"  which 
has  been  criticised  as  a  brilliant  romance.  In  the  progress 
of  the  case,  Mr.  Webster  produced  a  highly  respectable 
witness,  whose  testimony  (unless  disproved  or  impeached) 
settled  the  case,  and  annihilated  Mr.  Wirt's  client.  After 
getting  through  the  testimony,  he  informed  Mr.  Wirt,  with 
a  significant  expression,  that  he  was  through  with  the  wit- 
ness, and  that  he  was  at  his  service.  Mr.  Wirt  rose  to  com- 
mence the  cross-examination,  but  seemed  for  a  moment 
quite  perplexed  how  to  proceed,  but  quickly  assumed  a 


154  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


manner  expressive  of  his  incredulity  as  to  the  facts  elicit- 
ed, and,  coolly  eying  the  witness  a  moment,  he  said, 

"  Mr.  K ,  allow  me  to  ask  you  if  you  have  ever  read 

a  work  called  the  '  Baron  Munchausen  ?' " 

Before  the  witness  had  time  to  reply,  Mr.  Webster  quick- 
ly rose  to  his  feet,  and  said, 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Wirt,  for  the  interruption ;  but 
there  was  one  question  I  forgot  to  ask  the  witness,  and  if 
you  will  allow  me  that  favor,  I  promise  not  to  interrupt 
you  again." 

Mr.  Wirt,  in  the  blandest  manner,  replied,  "  Yes,  most 
certainly ;"  when  Mr.  Webster,  in  the  most  deliberate  and 
solemn  manner,  said, 

"  Sir,  have  you  ever  read  '  Wirt's  Patrick  Henry  ?' " 

The  effect  was  irresistible,  and  even  the  judge  could  not 
control  his  rigid  features.  Mr.  Wirt  himself  joined  in  the 
momentary  laugh,  and, turning  to  Mr.  Webster,  said,  "Sup- 
pose we  submit  this  case  to  the  jury  without  summing  up," 
which  was  assented  to,  and  Mr.  Webster's  client  won  the 
suit. 


BEAUTIFUL  IMPROMPTU   OF  WILLIAM  WIRT. 

This  eloquent  and  distinguished  advocate,  in  the  trial  of 
a  case,  stated  a  legal  proposition,  the  soundness  of  which 
was  doubted  by  his  opponent,  who  asked  him  for  his  au- 
thority— to  cite  a  precedent,  and  name  the  book  and  page. 

Mr.  Wirt  turned  upon  the  questioner,  and  instantly  re- 
plied in  his  most  gorgeous  manner, 

"  Sir,  I  am  not  bound  to  grope  my  way  among  the  ruins 
of  antiquity,  to  stumble  over  obsolete  statutes  and  delve  in 
black-letter  lore  in  search  of  a  principle  written  in  living 
letters  upon  the  heart  of  every  man." 


• 

DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          155 

PATRICK  HENRY'S  REPLY  TO  A  CHALLENGE. 

Governor  Giles,  of  Virginia,  once  addressed  a  note  to 
Patrick  Henry,  demanding  satisfaction  : 

"Sir,  I  understand  that  you  have  called  me  a  'bob-tail' 
politician.  I  wish  to  know  if  it  be  true;  and  if  true,  your 
meaning.  WM.  B.  GILES." 

To  which  Mr.  Henry  replied  in  this  wise : 

"  Sir,  I  do  not  recollect  having  called  you  a  bob-tail  pol- 
itician at  any  time,  but  think  it  probable  I  have.  Not  rec- 
ollecting the  time  or  occasion,  I  can't  say  what  I  did  mean, 
but  if  you  will  tell  me  what  you  think  I  meant,  I  will  say 
whether  you  are  correct  qf  not.  Yery  respectfully, 

"PATRICK  HENRY." 


ANECDOTES  OF  THOMAS.  F.  MARSHALL. 

The  Hon.  Thomas  F.  Marshall,  of  Kentucky,  once  a 
prince  of  good  fellows,  was  defending  a  man  charged  with 
murder  in  Jessamine  County,  Judge  Lusk  presiding.  The 
testimony  against  the  prisoner  was  strong,  and  Tom  strug- 
gled hard  on  the  cross-examination,  but  to  little  purpose, 
for  the  old  judge  was  inflexible  in  his  determination  to  rule 
out  all  the  improper  testimony  offered  on  the  part  of  the 
defense.  At  last  Tom  worked  himself  into  a  high  state  of 
excitement,  and  remarked  that  "  Jesus  Christ  was  convict- 
ed upon  just  such  rulings  of  the  court  that  tried  him." 

"Clerk,"  said  the  judge,  "enter  a  fine  of  ten  dollars 
against  Mr.  Marshall." 

"Well,  this  is  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  of  any  body 
being  fined  for  abusing  Pontius  Pilate,"  was  the  quick  re- 
sponse of  Tom. 

Here  the  judge  became  very  indignant,  and  ordered  the 
clerk  to  enter  another  fine  of  twenty  dollars. 


156  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Tom  arose  with  that  peculiar,  mirth-provoking  expres- 
sion that  no  one  can  imitate,  and  addressed  the  court  with 
as  much  gravity  as  circumstances  would  permit,  as  follows : 

"  If  your  honor  pleases,  as  a  good  citizen,  I  feel  bound  to 
obey  the  order  of  this  court,  and  intend  to  do  so  in  this  in- 
stance ;  but  as  I  don't  happen  to  have  thirty  dollars  about 
me,  I  shall  be  compelled  to  borrow  it  of  some  friend,  and, 
as  I  see  no  one  present  whose  confidence  and  friendship  I 
have  so  long  enjoyed  as  your  honor's,  I  make  no  hesitation 
in  asking  the  small  favor  of  a  loan  for  a  few  days,  to  square 
up  the  amount  of  the  fines  that  you  have  caused  the  clerk 
to  enter  against  me." 

This  was  a  stumper.  The  judge  looked  at  Tom,  and  then 
at  the  clerk,  and  finally  said, 

"  Clerk,  remit  Mr.  Marshall's  fines ;  the  state  is  better 
able  to  lose  thirty  dollars  than  I  am." 

Marshall  was  once  a  candidate  against  General  James  S. 
Pilcher,  at  one  time  mayor  of  Louisville,  Kentucky.  The 
general  made  a  long  and  telling  speech,  for  it  was  replete 
with  good  stories,  if  not  good  language  and  deep  learning, 
and  had  closed  by  telling  his  audience  that  he  was  raised  a 
plain  country  lad,  and  had  never  been  to  school  more  than 
about  three  months  in  his  life.  Marshall  arose,  and,  in  that 
humorous  way  peculiar  to  himself,  remarked, 

"  My  friend  has  told  you  that  his  school  education  was 
confined  to  the  short  period  of  three  months'  time ;  for  my- 
self, I  was  much  surprised  to  hear  that  the  gentleman  had 
been  to  school  at  all !" 

In  an  important  suit  before  the  Kentucky  Court  of  Ap- 
peals, Marshall  was  pitted  against  Henry  Clay,  for  whom 
he  had  as  great  hatred  as  dread.  Marshall  spoke  first,  and 
attacked  with  all  his  energy  the  positions  he  supposed  Clay 
would  assume. 

"You  can  barely  imagine,"  said  he,  subsequently,  al- 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO CA  TES.  157 

* . 

luding  to  the  case,  "my  immense  mortification  when  Clay 
concluded  a  splendid  speech  without  even  alluding  to  any 
thing  I  had  said." 

On  another  occasion  Marshall  was  engaged  in  a  trial  be- 
fore a  justice  of  the  peace,  whom  he  tried  to  convince  that 
he  had  made  an  erroneous  decision  on  a  certain  point  of 
law,  and  for  this  purpose  he  cited  authorities  from  King 
Solomon  all  the  way  down,  piling  tome  on  tome,  till  the 
justice  was  ready  to  swear  that  he  didn't  care  a  button  for 
all  his  books  or  Tom  Marshall  either.  After  Tom  had  ex- 
hausted all  his  fund  of  argument  and  eloquence  to  no  ef- 
fect, he  said, 

"  Will  your  honor  please  fine  me  ten  dollars  for  con- 
tempt of  court  ?" 

"  For  what  ?"  asked  the  astonished  magistrate.  "  You 
have  committed  no  contempt  of  court." 

"But,"  replied  the  illustrious  Tom,  in  his  own  provok- 
ingly  ludicrous  way,  "  I  assure  you  that  I  have  an  infernal 
contempt  for  it." 

A  young  limb  of  the  law,  named  M'Kay,  who  had  heard 
of  this  anecdote  of  Marshall,  once  attempted  to  imitate  it, 
and  was  punished  as  all  imitators  deserve  to  be.  He  was 
employed  to  prosecute  a  man  indicted  for  larceny  before  a 
committing  court  composed  of  three  magistrates.  On  hear- 
ing the  testimony,  they  refused  to  commit  the  prisoner  to 
jail.  M'Kay  concluded  to  take  revenge  on  the  magistrates. 
He  accordingly  began  the  attack. 

"  I  wish  "your  worships  would  fine  me  five  dollars  for 
contempt  of  court." 

"Why,  Mr. M'Kay  ?" 

"Because  I  feel  a  very  decided  contempt  for  the  court." 

"  Your  contempt  for  the  court  is  not  more  decided  than 
the  court's  contempt  for  you,"  was  the  response  of  one  of 
the  magistrates. 


158  BENCH  AND  BAH. 


This  was  a  stinging  retort,  and  Mac  felt  it ;  but  another 
worshipful  member  of  the  court — a  dry,  hard-looking  old 
blacksmith — put  in  a  blow  that  finished  the  work,  and  com- 
pletely demolished  the  young  lawyer : 

"  We  mout  fine  you,"  he  said,  "  but  we  don't  know  which 
one  of  us  you'd  want  to  borry  the  money  from  to  pay  it 
with." 

A  few  years  since  Marshall  was  delivering  an  address 
before  a  large  audience  in  Buffalo,  when  some  one  in  the 
hall  every  few  moments  shouted  " Louder !  louder!"  Tom 
stood  this  for  a  while,  but  at  last,  turning  gravely  to  the 
presiding  officer,  he  said,  "  Mr.  Chairman,  at  the  last  day, 
when  the  angel  shall  with  his  golden  trumpet  proclaim  that 
time  shall  be  no  longer,  when  the  quick  and  dead  shall  ap- 
pear before  the  mercy  seat  to  be  judged,  I  doubt  not,  sir, 
that  the  solemnity  of  that  solemn  and  awful  scene  will  be 
interrupted  by  some  drunken  fool  from  Buffalo  shouting 
'  Louder,  Lord !  louder !'  "  Tom  went  on  with  his  speech, 
but  there  were  no  more  cries  of  "  louder." 

At  a  great  political  meeting  Tom  began  his  speech,  and 
had  made  but  little  progress  before  he  was  assailed  with  a 
torrent  of  abuse  by  an  Irishman  in  the  crowd.  Not  at  all 
disconcerted,  Tom  sung  out  at  the  top  of  his  voice, 

"Be  Cabers,  that's  me  fren',  Patrick  Murphy — the  man 
that  spells  God  with  a  little  g,  and  Murphy  with  a  big  J//" 

If  Pat  had  any  elevated  ideas  of  his  smartness,  the  roars 
of  laughter  that  greeted  this  shot  must  have  caused  him  to 
doubt  the  propriety  of  giving  words  to  more.  • 

In  his  life  Marshall  represented  at  once  the  genius,  pas- 
sion, wit,  and  worst  follies  and  weaknesses  of  humanity. 
In  his  latter  days  he  did  not  belong  to  more  than  two  or 
three  temperance  societies  at  a  time ;  and  once,  in  a  wild 
fever  of  dissipation,  was  taken  to  a  room  in  the  Mansion 
House  at  Lexington  by  a  friend.  When  there,  he  found 


LISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO CA  TES.  159 

the  old  school-boy  warning  that  "what  goes  up  must  come 
down"  entirely  reversed,  and  his  friend,  hearing  the  up- 
heavings  from  the  vasty  deep,  said, 

"Are  you  unwell,  Mr.  Marshall?" 

"  Oh  no,"  was  the  reply ;  "  only  throwing  up  for  fun !" 


RIDICULE  VERSUS  ELOQUENCE. 

The  celebrated  legal  orator,  Elisha  Williams,  of  Colum- 
bia County,  was  a  most  graceful  speaker;  and  his  voice,  par- 
ticularly in  its  pathetic  tones,  was  melody  itself.  All  who 
remember  Ogden  Hoffman's  voice  (he  was  called  "the 
Flute"  by  his  fellow-members  of  the  bar  of  New  York) 
can  appreciate  the  mellifluous  organ  of  Mr.  Williams.  His 
power  over  a  jury  was  astonishing.  He  swayed  as  with 
the  wand  of  an  enchanter,  and  it  was  very  seldom  that  he 
failed  to  secure  a  verdict  for  his  client ;  but  on  one  occasion 
he  did,  in  such  a  perfectly  ridiculous  manner,  that  a  crowd- 
ed court  and  grave  judges  on  the  bench  were  convulsed 
with  laughter  at  the  burlesque  of  the  result.  He  was  com- 
pletely discomfited  by  an  ignorant,  impudent,  unlettered 
pettifogger  who  knew  no  law,  but  somehow  or  other  had  ob- 
tained the  credit  of  shrewdness,  and  the  reputation  among 
his  farmer  neighbors  of  being  hard  to  beat. 

The  case  was  an  act  of  murder.  Mr.  Williams,  of  course 
on  the  ground  of  his  power  over  the  jury,  was  for  the  de- 
fense. His  peroration  was  exceedingly  touching  and  beau- 
tiful. 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "if  you  can  find  this 
unhappy  prisoner  at  the  bar  guilty  of  the  crime  with  which 
he  is  charged  after  the  adverse  and  irrefragable  arguments 
which  I  have  laid  before  you,  pronounce  your  fatal  verdict ; 
send  him  to  lie  in  chains  upon  the  dungeon  floor,  waiting 
the  death  which  he  is  to  receive  at  your  hands ;  then  go  to 


160  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


the  bosom  of  your  families,  go  lay  your  heads  on  your  pil- 
lows— and  sleep  if  you  can  /" 

The  effect  of  the  closing  words  of  the  great  legal  orator 
was  at  first  thrilling,  but  by-and-by  the  pettifogger,  who 
had  volunteered  to  follow  the  prosecuting  attorney,  arose 
and  said, 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  should  despair,  after  the  weep- 
ing speech  which  has  been  made  to  you  by  Mr.  Williams, 
of  saying  any  thing  to  do  away  with  its  eloquence.  I  never 
heerd  Mr.  Williams  speak  that  piece  of  his'n  better  than 
what  he  spoke  it  now.  Onct  I  heerd  him  speak  it  in  a  case 
of  stealin',  down  to  Schaghticoke ;  then  he  spoke  it  ag'in  in 
a  case  of  rape,  up  to  ^Esopus ;  and  the  last  time  I  heerd  it, 
before  jest  now,  was  when  them  niggurs  was  tried — and 
convicted,  too,  they  was — for  robbin'  Van  Pelt's  hen-house, 
over  beyond  Kingston.  But  I  never  know'd  him  to  speak 
it  so  elegant  and  effectin'  as  what  he  spoke  it  jes  now." 

This  was  a  poser.  The  jury  looked  at  one  another, 
whispered  together,  and  our  pettifogger  saw  at  once  that  he 
had  got  them.  He  stopped  at  once,  closing  with  a  single 
remark :  "  If  you  can't  see,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  that  this 
speech  don't  answer  all  cases,  then  there's  no  use  of  my  say- 
ing any  thing  more." 

And  there  wasn't ;  he  had  made  his  case,  and  they 
awarded  him  their  verdict. 


A  VALUABLE  WATCH. 

The  following  anecdote,  illustrative  of  the  character  of 
Judge  Parsons,  is  sublime  in  thought  and  language.  A 
gentleman  had  been  concerned  in  a  duel ;  the  ball  of  his 
antagonist  struck  his  watch,  and  remained  there.  It  thus 
saved  his  life.  The  watch  was  afterward  exhibited,  with 
the  ball  remaining  in  it,  in  a  company  where  Judge  Par- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES. 


161 


sons  was  present.  It  was  observed  by  several  that  it  was 
a  valuable  watch.  "  Yes,"  said  Parsons,  "  very  excellent ; 
it  has  kept  Time  from  Eternity.'1'1 


REMINISCENCES  OF  JOHN  VAN  BUREN. 

The  late  John  Van  Buren,  or  "  Prince  John,"  as  he  was 
familiarly  called,  was  noted  for  his  "infinite  jest."    He 


was,  besides,  a  very  remarkable  character,  though  not  a 
successful  man.  He  did  not,  in  fact,  possess  the  peculiar 
endowments  which  give  a  man  success  in  this  practical 

L 


162  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


country  of  ours.  His  talents  and  his  information  were  too 
general,  and  he  developed  a  readiness  in  all  things,  but 
greatness  in  none.  He  was  not  a  business  man,  but  a  man 
of  society ;  not  a  sharp  financier,  but  a  witty  diner-out ; 
not  a  dry,  and  fusty,  and  learned  lawyer,  but  a  genial,  live- 
ly, and  generous  gentleman  of  elegant  leisure.  It  was  the 
business  of  his  life  to  entertain,  and  none  could  be  more 
entertaining  or  more  elegant,  or  be  so  more  unflaggingly 
than  himself.  His  wit  and  humor  intruded  itself  in  every 
thing,  and  all  his  law  cases  are  distinguished  by  his  wit- 
ticisms, and  every  political  campaign  for  many  years  past 
has  its  hundreds  of  reminiscences  of  John  Van  Buren's 
jokes  and  dry  humor.  Although  lacking  in  practicability, 
in  fact,  though  terribly  deficient  in  purpose  (and  the  fixed- 
ness of  purpose  often  makes  a  man  out  of  small  material), 
John  Yan  Buren  became  a  leading  spirit  among  the  poli- 
ticians of  New  York,  and  a  powerful  one,  too,  among  the 
Democracy.  Smooth  (but  not  oily)  as  a  courtier,  elegant 
and  princely  in  manner,  and  naturally  a  beautiful  and  ef- 
fective orator,  John  Yan  Buren  swayed  the  wayward 
masses,  and  controlled  them  by  his  wise  and  witty,  shrewd 
and  plain  phrases. 

His  oratorical  efforts  were  always  not  merely  elegant  and 
witty,  but  eminently  effective.  Perhaps  the  most  potent 
evidence  of  his  eloquence  might  be  found  in  his  Tammany 
Hall  speeches,  where  he  had  to  deal  with  the  roughest  ele- 
ments of  the  community.  With  his  suave  manner  and 
soft  voice  he  held  the  surging  and  often  noisy  mass  in  a 
control  which  was  as  absolute  as  it  was  remarkable.  Often- 
times, when  the  turbulence  of  the  crowd  would  break  out 
into  hand-to-hand  fights — when  fists  would  ply  to  the  right 
and  left  with  apparent  indiscrimination,  and  the  proceed- 
ings would  be  completely  disorganized,  and  the  voice  of 
the  speaker  drowned  in  the  tumult,  John  Yan  Buren  would 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  163 

wait  his  time  patiently,  until  the  sudden  outbreak  had  ex- 
hausted itself,  and  then,  with  a  wave  of  his  hand,  a  pleasant 
smile,  a  merry  twinkle  of  his  eye,  he  would  arrest  the  at- 
tention of  the  peaceably  disposed  elements,  hanging  on  the 
outskirts  and  around  the  platform,  and,  by  some  happy  al- 
lusion or  witty  phrase,  he  never  failed  to  gather  in  the  float- 
ing turbulence  of  the  quarrelsome  part  of  the  meeting,  and 
keep  it  in  easy  subjection  until  all  thoughts  of  fighting  were 
forgotten  in  laughter  at  the  fun,  or  absorbed  by  the  close 
logic  of  the  speaker. 

As  an  instance  of  his  wit,  it  is  told  of  him  that  he  was 
once  angrily  accosted  by  a  suitor  whose  case  he  had  over- 
thrown with, 

"I  believe,  sir,  you  would  take  a  fee  from  the  greatest 
scoundrel  on  earth !" 

"  Softly,  my  dear  sir,"  half  whispered  Van  Buren,  with 
well-affected  concern ;  "  walk  aside  with  me,  if  you  please. 
Now,  sir,"  presenting  his  ear  to  the  man,  "tell  me  what 
you  have  been  doing!" 

One  of  the  phrases  which  Van  Buren  once  used  in  re- 
gard to  some  popular  candidate,  who,  he  said,  "  would  run 
like  the  cholera,"  is  in  common  use  to  this  day.  To  Mr. 
Van  Buren  belongs  the  paternity  of  another  phrase  as  fre- 
quently used  as  the  above.  "  Vote  early  and  vote  often" 
was  the  witty  advice  which  he  gave  a  Democratic  meeting 
twenty  odd  years  ago. 

In  1865  Mr.  Van  Buren  ran  on  the  ticket  with  General 
Slocum  for  attorney  general  of  New  York,  and,  though 
satisfied  at  all  times  of  his  defeat,  appeared  at  all  times  most 
sanguine  of  success.  One  day  he  went  to  one  of  the  news- 
paper offices,  and  announced  that  he  would  bet  $10,000  in 
gold  that  Slocum  would  be  elected.  The  next  day  he  re- 
ceived a  note  accepting  the  bet  from,  as  he  described  him, 
"one  Lawrence  Jerome,  a  Wall  Street  broker,  who  was 


164  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


popularly  supposed  to  have  a  little  surplus  cash."  He 
wrote  to  Mr.  Peter  Cagger,  one  of  the  rich  members  of  the 
Albany  Eegency,  relating  what  Mr.  Jerome  proposed  to  do, 
and  suggesting  to  him  to  furnish  the  funds,  but  Mr.  Cagger 
answered  that  he  was  busy.  He  telegraphed  to  Dean  Kich- 
mond,  who  answered  that  he  was  deep  in  New  York  Cen- 
tral matters;  to  Governor  Seymour,  who  replied  that  he 
was  busy  stumping  the  state.  Finding  none  of  these  were 
open  to  a  good  thing,  Yan  Buren  called  on  Mr.  Jerome, 
discussed  the  bet  as  the  most  serious  of  matters,  announced 
that  it  was  open  for  acceptance  only  until  one  o'clock  (it 
was  then  twelve),  and  then  deliberately  disputed  as  to  what 
bank  should  be  the  holder  of  the  stakes  until  the  hour  ex- 
pired, when  he  announced  the  bet  as  withdrawn. 

He  was  one  of  the  counsel  for  Edwin  Forrest  in  the  fa- 
mous divorce  case,  and,  being  opposed  by  Charles  O'Conor, 
of  course  lost  his  suit.  When  the  decision  in  Mrs.  Forrest's 
favor  was  rendered,  Mr.  Yan  Buren  quietly  arose  and  ad- 
dressed the  jury,  informing  them  that  nothing  remained  to 
be  done  but  to  fix  the  amount  of  the  allowance  to  be  grant- 
ed to  the  divorced  wife,  and  raised  a  laugh  throughout  the 
court  by  saying,  with  a  merry  twinkle  of  the  eye,  that  he 
had  examined  the  English  authorities  on  the  subject,  and 
found  that  precedent  justified  the  jury  in  fixing  the  matter 
of  allowance  to  any  sum  between  a  farthing  and  sixpence. 

In  1848  Mr.  Yan  Buren  followed  his  father  into  the  Free- 
soil  camp.  This  step  was  the  occasion  of  some  pretty  sharp 
attacks  on  the  Prince,  who,  in  characteristic  style,  parried 
the  thrusts  of  his  adversaries  with  an  anecdote.  And  this 
was  the  anecdote:  A  traveler,  passing  along  a  corduroy 
road  in  the  Empire  State,  came  to  a  load  of  hay  overturned 
on  the  side  of  the  road.  Observing  a  lusty  youth  pitching 
the  hay  right  and  left  in  a  very  unaccountable  way,  the 
traveler  said,  "  My  young  friend,  why  do  you  do  that  ?" 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  165 

"Wiping  the  sweat  from  his  brow,  and  pointing  to  the  pile 
of  hay,  the  boy  replied,  "/Stranger,  dad's  under  there!'1''  Of 
course  this  anecdote  required  no  application  from  the  son 
of  his  father,  and,  amid  general  merriment,  the  prince  would 
pass  on  to  the  graver  topics  of  the  canvass. 


A  COUPLE   OF  EIVAL   EPIGRAMS. 

At  a  trial  of  a  cause  before  a  referee,  in  Delaware  County, 
New  York,  Hon.  Daniel  S.  Dickinson  was  counsel  for  the 

plaintiff,  and  Mr.  H ,  of  Binghamton,  for  the  defendant 

Mr.  H ,  albeit  a  lawyer  of  some  eminence,  was  so  inter- 
minably slow  on  this  occasion  as  to  utterly  weary  out  both 
referee  and  witnesses.  One  of  the  latter,  while  waiting 
with  eager  impatience  to  give  his  evidence  and  be  dis- 
missed, perpetrated  the  following,  and  handed  it  to  the  ex- 
senator  for  perusal : 

"  When  Job  was  tempted  by  the  devil, 
His  patience  saved  his  soul  from  evil ; 
But  were  he  living  in  our  day, 

And  thrown  by  chance  in  H 's  way — 

If  forced  to  hear  him  try  a  case, 
I  fear  poor  Job  would  fall  from  grace ; 
He  never  could  endure,  I  trow, 
What  we  poor  devils  suffer  now !" 

Mr.  Dickinson  read  the  lines,  and  rapidly  dashed  off  the 
following  rejoinder: 

"There  were  no  lawsuits  in  these  days, 

As  any  one  can  plainly  see, 
For,  had  there  been,  the  devil  would 

Have  made  poor  Job  a  referee, 
And  sent  for  H to  try  the  case, 

And  spin  it  out  till  Job  would  cry 
'I  give  it  up — my  patience's  gone ; 

Now  must  I  curse  my  God  and  die !'  " 


166  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"VERY  INDIFFERENTLY  INDEED." 
Eichard  O'Gorman  was  recently  trying  a  case  before  a 
rather  ignorant  judge  of  the  New  York  Superior  Court, 
who  appeared  strongly  prejudiced,  if  not  partisan,  in  favor 
of  the  side  against  which  Mr.  O'Gorman  was  pleading.  Of 
this  fact  Mr.  O'Gorman  gave  a  pretty  broad  hint,  intimating 
that  his  honor  should  not  have  remained  on  the  bench  to 
hear  a  case  in  which  he  was  so  clearly  interested  in  behalf 
of  one  side. 

"You  are  wrong,  sir,"  thundered  the  judge,  growing  red 
in  the  face ;  "  I  am  no  partisan  in  the  matter.  I  have  no 
interest  in  either  of  the  parties  to  this  suit.  I  administer 
justice  in  the  case  indifferently." 

"  Very  indifferently  indeed,  your  honor !"  replied  O'Gor- 
man, with  a  courteous  bow,  and  there  the  matter  dropped, 
the  judge  believing  he  had  received  a  compliment 


"WOULD  MAKE  A  POOR  LAWYER." 

The  plaintiff  in  a  suit  brought  against  the  city  of  New 
York  had  been  injured  by  a  fall,  caused  by  what  is  termed 
"  a  corporation  hole,"  and  during  the  trial,  Dr.  Willard 
Parker  "being  upon  the  stand  in  behalf  of  the  plaintiff,  the 
associate  counsel  of  the  city  cross-examined  him,  and  elicit- 
ed the  remark  that  "  the  plaintiff  was  so  injured  that  he 
could  lie  only  on  one  side."  The  answer  was  no  sooner 
given  than  the  counsel  says, 

"  I  suppose,  doctor,  you  mean  he  would  make  a  very 
poor  lawyer !"  The  court  did  not  maintain  its  gravity. 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  167 


A  FORGETFUL  JUDGE. 

Chief  Justice  Jones,  of  New  York,  who  had  been  chan- 
cellor of  the  state,  chief  justice  of  the  Superior  Court,  judge 
of  the  Court  of  Appeals,  and  presiding  justice  of  the  Su- 
preme Court,  had  some  peculiarities.  One  was,  never  to 
decline  an  invitation  to  a  dinner  or  evening  party.  An- 
other was,  that  his  desk  at  home,  where  he  studied  his 
cases,  was  the  strangest  pile  of  heterogeneous  papers  one 
ever  saw.  They  would  accumulate  for  months,  until  the 
table  could  hold  no  more,  and  then  he  would  get  a  basket 
or  a  barrel,  and  empty  into  them  the  contents  of  his  table, 
and  begin  and  go  over  the  process  of  accumulation  again. 
Sometimes  a  paper  would  be  required,  and  then  would 
come  a  grand  rummage,  during  which  there  would  not  un- 
frequently  turn  up  some  forgotten  thing  of  interest.  He 
had  probably  been  recently  engaged  in  some  such  work, 
when,  one  evening,  about  nine  o'clock,  he  walked  into  the 
house  of  an  acquaintance  —  a  gentleman  of  fortune,  who 
often  gave  parties — dressed  for  a  party  with  white  kids, 
etc.  Upon  being  ushered  into  the  parlor,  he  found  the 
host  sitting  there  alone,  reading  the  paper,  but  no  signs  of 
a  party.  He  was  received  very  cordially,  for  the  host  had 
great  respect  for  him — as  who  had  not?  But  the  chief 
said,  "I'm  afraid  I  have  made  a  mistake." 

"If  you  have,"  said  mine  host,  "I  am  obliged  to  the  mis- 
take, for  it  has  given  me  the  honor  of  your  company." 

"But  haven't  you  a  party  to-night?" 

"  No,  sir." 

The  chief  drew  forth  a  small  note  from  his  pocket,  and  in- 
quired, "Is  not  that  from  you,  sir?" 

"  Certainly,  judge,"  said  the  host,  "but  that  was  for  this 
day  of  the  month  last  year,  when  I  can  not  forget  that  we 
had  the  pleasure  of  your  company." 


168 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ANECDOTES  OF  DANIEL  WEBSTER. 

The  following  characteristic  and  amusing  anecdotes  of 
the  late  lamented  statesman,  Daniel  Webster,  are  undenia- 
bly authentic.  They  proceed  from  personal  friends  of  Mr. 
Webster. 


Some  years  ago  Mr.  Webster  paid  a  professional  visit  to 
Northampton,  Massachusetts,  one  of  the  pleasantest  inland 
towns  in  the  state.  His  presence  there  was  expected,  and, 
being  the  political  idol  of  a  large  portion  of  the  community, 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  1 69 

preparations  had  been  made  to  give  him  a  cordial  reception 
by  eminent  private  citizens.  The  landlord,  too,  of  the 
principal  inn  had  prepared  a  very  handsome  suite  of  apart- 
ments for  his  express  accommodation,  and  had  made  ar- 
rangements to  have  the  great  man  occupy  them. 

At  length  Mr.  Webster  arrived,  and  stopped  at  the  hotel 
in  question.  He  was  shown  to  his  quarters,  with  which  he 
expressed  himself  well  pleased,  until  it  was  incidentally  re- 
marked by  some  friend  present  that  "Northampton  was  a 
temperance  town,  and  that  that  was  a  temperance  house." 

"  Won't  you  ring  the  bell  for  the  landlord  ?"  asked  Mr. 
Webster  of  a  gentleman  who  stood  near  the  bell-pull. 

He  rang  the  bell,  and  the  landlord  soon  came  up. 

"Mr. Brewster,"  said  Mr.  Webster,  "can  you  direct  me  to 
General  L 's  house.  I  think  I  will  take  up  my  quar- 
ters with  him." 

The  landlord,  with  great  disappointment  expressed  in  his 
face  and  manner,  said, 

"  Why,  Mr.  Webster,  I  was  in  hopes  my  rooms  would 
meet  with  your  entire  approbation.  We  had  taken  great 
pains  to  have  their  arrangements  such  as  should  please  you." 

"Your  rooms,  Mr.  Brewster,  are  excellent  every  way. 
Nothing  need  be  more  so ;  and  I  understand  your  table  is 
abundantly  supplied  with  well-cooked  viands.  But,  Mr. 
Brewster,  I  understand  that  your  house  is  conducted  upon 
rigid  temperance  principles.  Now,  sir,  I  am  an  old  man  ; 
my  blood  is  thin,  and  now  and  then  I  require  a  little  stim- 
ulus. Have  you  any  pure  old  brandy,  Mr.  Brewster  ?" 

"  I  have  some  of  the  oldest  and  purest  in  Massachusetts, 
I  think,"  answered  the  landlord. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Brewster,  have  the  kindness  to  bring  me  up 
a  bottle,  and  place  it  on  the  little  stand  behind  that  door." 

Mr.  Brewster  departed,  and  soon  came  back  with  the 
desiderated  fluid,  which  he  deposited  as  directed. 


170  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

"  Mr.  Brewster,"  continued  Mr.  Webster,  "  have  you  any 
fine  old  Madeira  ?" 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Webster,  of  the  oldest  and  best  vintage." 

"Do  you  know  how  to  ice  it  properly,  so  that  it  shall  be 
only  just  gratefully  cool?" 

The  landlord  answered  in  the  affirmative,  and  went  down 
to  the  cellar  for  a  bottle.  When  he  came  back,  he  placed 
it  in  a  graduated  cooler,  and  was  about  to  retire,  when  Mr. 
Webster  said, 

"  You  need  be  under  no  apprehension,  Mr.  Brewster,  that 
this  infraction  of  the  temperance  law  of  your  town  will  be 
discovered.  I  must  needs  honor  law,  being  one  of  its  hum- 
ble ministers,  and  would  not  exhibit  even  a  justifiable  eva- 
sion of  its  commands.  No,  Mr.  Brewster,  you  leave  those 
bottles  there,  where  they  will  be  unobserved,  and  in  a 
short  time  /  will  put  them  where  no  human  eye  can  see 
them." 

But  among  the  Websteriana  there  is  nothing  of  his  bet- 
ter than  the  answer  to  the  French  minister,  who  asked  him, 
while  Secretary  of  State,  whether  the  United  States  would 
recognize  the  new  government  of  France. 

The  secretary  assumed  a  very  solemn  tone  and  attitude, 
saying, 

"Why  not?  The  United  States  has  recognized  the 
Bourbons,  the  Eepublic,  the  Directory,  the  Council  of  Five 
Hundred,  the  First  Consul,  the  Emperor,  Louis  XVIIL, 
Charles  X.,  Louis  Philippe,  the — " 

"  Enough !  enough !"  cried  the  French  minister,  perfect- 
ly satisfied  by  such  a  formidable  citation  of  consistent 
precedents. 

When  Daniel  Webster  was  a  young  man,  about  com- 
mencing the  study  of  law,  he  was  advised  not  to  enter  the 
legal  profession,  for  it  was  already  crowded.  His  reply 
was,  "  There  is  room  enough  at  the  top  /" 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA TES.  171 

Lewis  Gaylord  Clark  has  thus  described  a  scene  illus- 
trating Webster's  impressiveness  in  manner  and  delivery : 

"  I  had  often  seen  Mr.  Webster  walking  up  Pennsylvania 
Avenue  to  the  Capitol,  but  had  never  happened  to  be  in 
Washington  when  any  public  question  was  before  Congress 
in  which  he  was  to  speak.  At  length  one  day,  however,  a 
friend  said  to  me,  '  If  you  want  to  hear  Webster  speak,  go 
up  to  the  United  States  Supreme  Court-room  at  eleven 
o'clock ;  he  is  going  to  address  the  court  at  that  hour  in  a 
very  important  case.'  Well,  about  half  past  eleven  I  was 
there.  The  judges  ('  terrible  show')  were  there  in  a  row,  in 
their  black  silk  canonicals,  dignified  and  impressive,  and, 
what  is  rare  in  any  of  our  less  important  tribunals,  utterly 
unconscious  of  their  impressiveness.  There  were  not,  I  ven- 
ture to  say,  fifty  persons  among  the  audience  in  the  room. 
Mr.  Webster  was  on  his  feet,  and  addressing  the  court. 
His  were  commercial  figures,  and  not  '  figures  of  speech'  at 
first,  and  I  must  say  I  thought  them  very  dry.  But  at 
length  he  warmed  up  a  little. 

"  The  case  before  the  court  had  been  a  long  time  before 
the  public,  and  every  body  had  become  tired  of  it.  It  was 
the  Wheeling  Bridge  case,  which  had  been  the  'Jarndyce 
vs.  Jarndyce'  of  the  times.  After  stating  facts  and  figures, 
and  previous  conclusions  and  decisions  upon  them,  Mr. 
Webster  said : 

'"Now,  your  honors,  we  desire  this  legitimately  unau- 
thorized company  to  send  in  complete  returns  from  the 
first ;  to  present  a  bill  of  entire  receipts ;  to  render  up  strict 
and  unimpeachable  accounts ;  to  settle  up,  and  pay  up  ;  in 
other  words,  your  honors,  we  demand  that  they  DISGORGE  !' 

"  That  single  word,  as  Webster  brought  down  his  hand 
upon  the  desk  before  him,  seemed  to  me  to  weigh  a  hund- 
red pounds ;  and  the  court  thought  so  too,  it  appears,  from 
their  decision." 


172  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


When  Hayne,  of  South  Carolina,  urged  on  by  his  South- 
ern friends,  had  made  his  speech  which  called  forth  that 
immortal  reply  of  the  great  "  Northern  Lion,"  many  of 
"Webster's  friends,  struck  with  Hayne's  real  ability,  began 
to  say  to  each  other,  "Can  Webster  answer  that?"  Mrs. 
Webster  was  present  at  the  Capitol,  and  was  greatly  agi- 
tated at  the  fire  and  force  of  the  hero  of  South  Carolina. 
She  rode  home  with  a  friend  in  advance  of  her  husband. 
At  last  the  "Lion"  came  tramping  up  to  the  door,  and 
marched  in  in  an  easy,  unconcerned  way.  His  wife  hasten- 
ed into  the  hall  just  as  she  was,  and,  with  tears  in  her  eyes, 
said  to  him,  "Can  you — can  you  answer  Mr.  Hayne?" 

With  a  sort  of  grunt  or  quiet  roar,  her  lord  turned  upon 
her:  "Answer  him!  "I'll  gr-i-n-d  him  finer  than  that  snuff 
in  your  box  /" 

In  due  time  the  Websterian  thunder  rolled  through  the 
arches  of  the  Capitol,  and  Hayne  was  ground  fine. 

"  What  do  you  think  now,"  says  the  general's  friend  to 
his  Southern  acquaintances,  "of  our  Northern  Lion?" 

The  reply  came  quick,  but  rather  angrily :  "  He's  a  long- 
clawed,  strong-jawed,  tough-hided  devil !" 

What  but  a  suppressed  sense  of  humor,  in  both  speaker 
and  auditors,  could  possibly  have  carried  off  such  a  speech 
as  this,  which  is  attributed  to  Webster  ? 

"  Men  of  Rochester,  I  am  glad  to  see  you,  and  I  am  glad 
to  see  your  noble  city.  Gentlemen,  I  saw  your  falls,  which 
I  am  told  are  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high.  That  is  a 
very  interesting  fact.  Gentlemen,  Rome  had  her  Caesar, 
her  Scipio,  her  Brutus,  but  Rome,  in  her  proudest  days,  had 
never  a  waterfall  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high !  Gentle- 
men, Greece  had  her  Pericles,  her  Demosthenes,  and  her 
Socrates,  but  Greece,  in  her  palmiest  days,  NEVEK  had  a 
waterfall  a  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high !  Men  of  Rochester, 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  173 

go  on.    No  people  ever  lost  their  liberties  who  had  a  water- 
fall one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  high !" 

The  kind  of  humor  (such  as  it  is)  to  which  this  belongs 
has  been  named  by  the  Americans  as  highfalutin. 


MISAPPLICATION   OF  SHAKSPEAEE. 

Hon.  Benjamin  F.  Wade  and  the  late  Hon.  Joshua  Gid- 
dings  used  to  be  constant  competitors  at  the  bar  in  "  old, 
benighted  Ashtabula,"  their  place  of  residence.  In  the 
early  part  of  his  practice,  Wade  was  defending  a  man 
against  an  action  of  slander,  and,  after  having  concluded  a 
very  effective  speech  to  the  jury,  sat  awkwardly  leaning 
backward,  his  feet  on  the  counsel  table,  and  facing  Gid- 
dings,  who  was  attempting  to  be  eloquent  in  behalf  of  his 
slandered  client.  "  Old  Gid,"  as  he  was  familiarly  called, 
knew  a  little  smattering  of  Shakspeare,  and  now  determined 
to  bring  that  great  author  to  his  aid. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  with  much  ardor, 

"  '  He  that  steals  my  purse,  steals  trash ; 
But  he  that  robs  me  of  my  good  name — ' " 

(Ahem !) 

At  this  point,  to  his  great  discomfiture,  Shakspeare  de- 
serted him.  He  repeated, 

"  '  But  he  that  rohs  me  of  my  good  name — ' " 
(Another  pause.) 

"  Takes  that  I  never  had,"  whispered  Wade,  as  if 
prompting  him,  and  so  distinctly  as  to  be  heard  by  all  in 
the  room. 

Amid  the  laughter  and  his  own  confusion,  Giddings 
brought  his  speech  to  such  a  "lame  and  impotent  conclu- 
sion," that  his  client  recovered  but  six  and  a  quarter  cents 
for  his  lost  character. 


174  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


A  SCATHING  REBUKE. 

Judge  B was  not  only  one  of  the  best  judges,  but 

also  one  of  the  best  and  most  successful  criminal  lawyers 
in  Philadelphia  some  years  ago.  He  was  once  defending  a 
notorious  rascal  who  was  indicted  for  larceny.  The  evi- 
dence for  the  prosecution  was  overwhelming,  and  Judge 

B not  only  made  no  attempt  to  refute  it,  but  offered  no 

testimony  in  favor  of  his  client.  The  judge  on  the  bench, 
for  whom,  Judge  B did  not  entertain  the  most  pro- 
found respect,  suggested  that,  as  the  case  was  a  clear  one, 
it  had  better  be  submitted  without  argument.  But  the 
prisoner's  counsel  thought  differently,  and  stated  that  he 
should  address  the  jury.  The  attorney  general  opened  the 

case,  and  Judge  B followed  in  a  speech  that  partook 

of  the  character  of  a  Fourth  of  July  oration,  a  lecture  on 
Shakspeare,  and  a  history  of  the  French  Eevolution.  In 
his  flight  of  eloquence  he  forgot  both  his  client  and  the 
flight  of  time.  He  was  brought  to  a  sudden  check  in  one 
of  his  most  beautiful  bursts  by  the  voice  of  the  judge,  who 
had  been  on  nettles  for  the  last  half  hour. 

"Judge  B ,"  said  he,  pulling  out  his  watch,  "are  you 

aware  of  the  time  of  day  ?  It  is  half  past  one  o'clock, 
sir." 

"Well,  what  of  that?"  quietly  returned  the  orator. 

"You  know  very  well,  sir,"  answered  the  judge,  who 
was  a  sallow,  meagre  -  looking,  and  exceedingly  irritable 
man,  "that  the  court  is  in  the  habit  of  adjourning  every 
day  at  one  o'clock  for  dinner.  The  court  has  waited  half 
an  hour,  expecting  you  to  finish  your  speech." 

This  was  too  much  for  Judge  B ,  and,  turning  full 

upon  the  dignitary  of  the  bench,  with  his  long  finger  ex- 
tended, exclaimed, 

"  I  know  your  honor  is  a  great  lover  of  Shakspeare — I 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  175 

know  your  honor  is  a  great  admirer  of  the  poetry  of  the 
immortal  bard — but  there  is  one  great  truth  in  Shakspeare 
that  must  have  escaped  the  attention  of  your  honor.  I  al- 
lude to  that  scene  in  King  Lear  where  the  poet  with  great 
truth  says,  "  The  lean,  lank,  and  hungry  judge  would  hang 
the  guiltless  rather  than  eat  his  mutton,  cold.'  With  your 
honor's  permission,  I  will  here  close  my  speech." 


ANECDOTES   OF  THOMAS   COEWIN.     , 

Hon.  Tom  Corwin,  the  most  amusing  and  popular  of  our 
modern  orators,  who  kept  his  audiences  in  a  roar,  and  often 
disturbed  the  gravity  of  the  United  States  Senate,  regarded 
his  life  as  a  failure  because  he  had  not  been  successful  in 
more  serious  veins.  A  friend  relates  that  he  was  riding 
with  Corwin  in  the  summer  of  1860,  when  Corwin  remark- 
ed of  a  speech  made  the  evening  before, 

"  It  was  very  good,  indeed,  but  in  bad  style.  Never 
make  the  people  laugh.  I  see  that  you  cultivate  that.  It 
is  easy  and  captivating,  but  death  in  the  long  run  to  the 
speaker." 

"  Why,  Mr.  Corwin,  you  are  the  last  man  living  I  expect- 
ed such  an  opinion  from." 

"Certainly;  because  you  have  not  lived  as  long  as  I 
have.  Do  you  know,  my  young  friend,  that  the  world  has 
a  contempt  for  the  man  who  entertains  it?  One  must  be 
solemn — solemn  as  an  ass — never  say  any  thing  that  is  not 
uttered  with  the  greatest  gravity,  to  win  respect  The 
world  looks  up  to  the  teacher  and  down  upon  the  clown. 
Yet,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  the  clown  is  the  better  fellow 
of  the  two." 

"  We  who  laugh  may  be  well  content  if  we  are  as  suc- 
cessful as  you  have  been." 

"  You  think  so,  and  yet,  were  you  to  consult  an  old  fel- 


176 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


low  called  Thomas  Corwin,  he  would  tell  you  that  he  con- 
sidered himself  the  worst  used  man  in  existence ;  that  he 


has  been  slighted,  abused,  and  neglected,  and  all  for  a  set 
of  fellows  who  look  wise  and  say  nothing." 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  177 

Mr.  Corwin  uttered  this  with  much  feeling,  and  we  have 
no  doubt  but  that  he  expressed  what  he  believed  to  be  the 
net  purport  and  upshot  of  his  whole  life. 

His  very  dark  complexion  was  often  made  the  subject  of 
jokes  by  Corwin  and  his  friends.  Thomas  F.  Marshall,  of 
Kentucky,  once  told  an  adventure  which  he  had  with  Mr. 
Corwin  at  Lebanon,  Ohio,  Mr.  Corwin's  place  of  residence. 
Marshall  had  stopped  at  Lebanon  overnight,  and  registered 
himself  at  the  hotel  as  "  Mr.  Marshall,  of  Kentucky."  While 
sitting  in  the  public  room  in  the  evening  he  noticed  a  neat- 
ly-dressed colored  man  enter  the  hall,  and,  approaching  the 
register,  begin  to  read  it.  When  he  had  reached  Mar- 
shall's name 'he  read  it  aloud,  and  asked  the  clerk  "if  Mr. 
Marshall  was  in  the  hotel."  The  clerk  replied  by  pointing 
him  to  the  gentleman  in  question.  The  colored  man  ap- 
proached Marshall,  saluted  him  very  respectfully,  and  ask- 
ed if  he  belonged  to  the  Lexington  family  of  Marshalls. 
Marshall  was,  as  he  expressed  it  afterward,  "  somewhat  put 
out  by  the  familiar  manner  of  the  '  cullerd  gemman,' "  but 
answered  civilly  that  he  did.  The  colored  man  was  de- 
lighted to  hear  it,  and  to  meet  him. 

"I  had,"  he  said,  "the  honor  and  pleasure  of  serving 
with  Mr.  Thomas  A.  Marshall  from  1831  to  1835." 

Mr.  Marshall,  thinking  he  had  met  with  one  of  the  old 
family  servants  who  had  "  run  away"  from  slavery  in  Ken- 
tucky to  freedom  in  Ohio,  was  about  to  ply  him  with  ques- 
tions, but  found  no  opportunity  of  "getting  in  a  word  edge- 
ways." The  colored  man  asked  in  rapid  succession  after 
the  various  members  of  the  family,  spoke  feelingly  and 
familiarly  of  old  Humphrey  Marshall,  the  head  of  the  Ken- 
tucky Marshall  family,  and  at  last  asked  if  the  gentleman 
was  acquainted  with  Mr.  Henry  Clay.  On  Marshall  reply- 
ing in  the  affirmative,  the  colored  gentleman  began  to  tell, 
in  a  voice  intended  for  the  little  crowd  of  listeners  who  had 

M 


178  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


gathered  around,  some  reminiscences  of  Henry  Clay,  one 
of  which  he  began  by  the  remark, 

"  "When  I  was  in  Congress  with  Mr.  Clay — " 

"  You  in  Congress  with  Mr.  Clay  ?"  interrupted  Marshall 
— "  you  in  Congress  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir ;  yes,  sir.     My  name  is  Tom  Corwin." 

"  Tom  Corwin !"  exclaimed  Marshall.  "  Excuse  me,  my 
dear  sir,  but  I  thought  you  were  some  runaway  negro." 

It  will  be  remembered  that  Corwin,  in  the  Senate  in  1845 
or  1846,  arguing  seriously  against  the  morality  of  the  pro- 
jected war  against  Mexico,  permitted  his  appreciation  of 
broad  humor  to  lead  him  into  the  extravagant  expression, 
"If  I  were  a  Mexican,  as  I  am  an  American,  I  would  wel- 
come you  with  bloody  hands  to  hospitable  graves."  A  few 
years  after,  when  this  expression  had  been  quoted  by  the 
newspapers  until  it  had  become  familiar  as  "  household 
words,"  Mr.  Corwin  was  retained  as  counsel  for  a  man 
charged  with  murder,  and  who,  he  claimed,  acted  in  self- 
defense.  In  his  closing  speech  to  the  jury  Corwin  pictured 
the  condition  of  his  client  as  endeavoring  to  avoid  the  diffi- 
culty, portrayed  the  murdered  man  as  forcing  it  upon  him, 
dogging  his  steps,  denouncing  him  as  a  coward,  and  at  last 
threatening  to  strike  him.  "What,"  he  exclaimed,  "would 
you  have  done  in  such  an  emergency  ?  What,  sir,"  turn- 
ing to  the  prosecuting  attorney,  "would  you  have  done?" 

"Done !"  replied  the  attorney,  with  great  gravity — "done! 
I  would  have  welcomed  him  with  bloody  hands  to  a  hos- 
pitable grave." 

The  jury  was  convulsed  with  laughter,  and  Corwin  lost 
his  case. 


TRUE  ANECDOTE   OF  MR.  LINCOLN. 

The  following  anecdote  of  the  late  President  Lincoln  has 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  179 

never  been  published,  and  unlike,  perhaps,  some  of  the 
stories  attributed  to  him,  is  an  actual  fact.  During  Mr. 
Lincoln's  practice  of  his  profession  of  the  law,  long  before 
he  was  thought  of  for  President,  he  was  attending  the  Cir- 
cuit Court  which  met  at  Bloomingdale,  Illinois.  The  pros- 
ecuting attorney,  a  lawyer  by  the  name  of  Lamon,  was  a 
man  of  great  physical  strength,  and  took  particular  pleasure 
in  athletic  sports,  and  was  so  fond  of  wrestling  that  his 
power  and  experience  rendered  him  a  formidable  and  gen- 
erally successful  opponent.  One  pleasant  day  in  the  fall, 
Lamon  was  wrestling  near  the  court-house  with  some  one 
who  had  challenged  him  to  a  trial,  and  in  the  scuffle  made 
a  large  rent  in  ,the  rear  of  his  unmentionables.  Before  he 
had  time  to  make  any  change  he  was  called  into  court  to 
take  up  a  case.  The  evidence  was  finished,  and  Lamon  got 
up  to  address  the  jury,  and  having  on  a  somewhat  short 
coat,  his  misfortune  was  rather  apparent.  One  of  the  law- 
yers, for  a  joke,  started  a  subscription  paper,  which  was 
passed  from  one  member  of  the  bar  to  another  as  they  sat 
by  a  long  table  fronting  the  bench,  to  buy  a  pair  of  panta- 
loons for  Lamon,  "he  being,"  the  paper  said,  "  a  poor  but 
worthy  young  man."  Several  put  down  their  names  with 
some  ludicrous  subscription,  and  finally  the  paper  was  laid 
by  some  one  in  front  of  Mr.  Lincoln,  on  a  plea  that  he  was 
engaged  in  writing  at  the  time.  He  quietly  glanced  over 
the.  paper,  and  immediately  took  up  his  pen  and  wrote  aft- 
er his  name,  "  I  can  contribute  nothing  to  the  end  in  view." 


MARK  HARBIN'S  MOCK  ARGUMENTS. 
Mark  Hardin,  of  Kentucky,  was  a  soldier,  lawyer,  poli- 
tician, and  wag  when  Kentucky  was  young.     He  lived  in 
the  county  (Hardin)  named  after  his  father,  one  of  the  pio- 
neers of  the  state.    A  proposition  arose  while  he  was  a  can- 


180  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


didate  for  the  Legislature  to  cut  off  a  new  county  from 
Hardin,  to  be  called  Larue.  The  county  seat  was  not  de- 
termined upon,  but  Hodgenville  was  the  favorite  in  the 
race.  Mark  opposed  the  division  bitterly,  but,  he  soon 
found,  uselessly.  Both  sections  wanted  it  to  go.  The  can- 
didate, seeing  farther  resistance  was  useless,  made  an  ap- 
pointment to  speak  at  Hodgenville,  the  very  hot-bed  of 
county  secession,  and  duly  appeared  on  the  stump.  He  be- 
gan his  speech  somehow  in  this  way : 

"  Fellow-citizens,  I  hear  every  where  that  there  is  a  de- 
cided wish  to  divide  our  county,  and  some,  I  regret  to  say, 
oppose  it.  Why  ?  I  ask,  why  ?  fellow-citizens.  Look  at 
this  end  of  Hardin.  It  comes  out  of  the  way.  It  is  de- 
tached naturally  from  Hardin.  It  projects  like  the  toe  of 
a  boot ;  and,  fellow-citizens,  the  toe  of  that  boot  ought  to 
be  applied  to  the  blunt  end  of  any  candidate  who  opposes 
this  just,  proper,  and  natural  division.  [Cheers.]  Having 
shown  you  that  this  end  (Larue)  is  thus  by  nature,  and 
should  be  divided  by  law  from  the  other,  my  next  consid- 
eration is  the  county  seat.  To  gentlemen  as  intelligent  as 
you,  and  as  familiar  with  the  section  to  be  divided  off,  I 
need  not  point  out  that  Hodgenville  will  be  the  centre  of 
the  proposed  county ;  and  where,  but  at  the  centre,  should 
the  county  seat  be?  [Cheers.]  Gentlemen,  you  have 
doubtless  heard  the  removal  of  our  state  capital  spoken  of. 
As  it  is,  it  is  tucked  up  in  a  north  corner  of  the  state,  where 
it  is  about  as  convenient  a  situation  for  the  capital  of  the 
whole  state  as  Elizabethtown  (the  county  seat  of  Hardin)  is 
to  be  the  county  seat  of  Larue.  The  same  reasons  that  in- 
duce us  to  separate  this  part  of  the  county  from  the  other 
should  make  us  move  the  capital.  "We  must  move  it,  and 
to  the  centre  of  the  state.  Now  take  a  map.  Kentucky  is 
420  miles  long  by  about  140  (in  the  centre)  wide.  Now 
Larue  county  is  on  a  perpendicular  line  just  70  miles  from 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  181 

the  Ohio  Eiver,  and  210  from  each  end  of  the  state,  and 
Hodgenville  is  the  centre  of  Larue  county.  I  have  thus 
mathematically  demonstrated  to  you  that  the  state  capital 
should  be  removed  to  Hodgenville.  [Enthusiastic  cheer- 
ing.] Fellow-citizens,  I  have  been  inadvertently  led  into 
these  questions,  but  I  will  proceed  farther.  In  the  late  war 
(the  War  of  1812)  Washington  City  was  burned  by  the 
British  ;  and  why  ?  Because  it  was  on  our  exposed  bor- 
der. The  national  capital  should  be  removed  from  the  At- 
lantic coast,  and  to  the  centre  of  the  Union.  Kentucky  is 
the  great  seal  set  in  the  centre  of  our  mighty  republic,  as 
you  will  see  by  enumerating  the  surrounding  states,  and,  as 
I  have  already  shown  you  that  this  is  the  centre  of  Ken- 
tucky, the  national  capital  should  be  removed  to  Hodgen- 
ville." As  some  had  begun  to  smell  a  large  Norway  by 
this  time,  the  cheering  was  not  quite  so  loud.  "  Nay,"  said 
the  orator,  in  a  burst  of  enthusiasm,  "  Hodgenville  is  the 
centre  of  God's  glorious  and  beautiful  world !" 

"How  in  the  devil  do  you  make  that  out?"  said  an  ir- 
ritated voice  in  the  crowd. 

The  speaker,  drawing  himself  up,  and  sweeping  his  fore- 
finger in  a  grand  circle  about  the  horizon,  said,  "Look  how 
nice  the  sky  Jits  down  all  around!" 

Hardin  didn't  go  to  the  Legislature  that  time,  though  he 
had  mathematically  demonstrated  every  point  he  made. 


AN  ABSENT-MINDED  JUDGE. 

The  late  Judge  W ,  formerly  Chief  Justice  of  the 

Supreme  Court  of  Wisconsin,  was  a  man  of  deep  thought, 
and  often  so  engrossed  in  his  "cases"  as  to  be  wholly  un- 
conscious of  conversation  in  his  presence.  Colonel  S 

is  one  of  your  courteous  Virginia  gentlemen,  quick,  sens- 
itive, and  a  good  talker  withal.  The  colonel  has  a  farm 


182  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


near  Madison,  on  which  he  had  just  discovered  a  valuable 
peat-bed,  and,  being  much  elated  by  the  prospect  of  "  sud- 
den fortune,"  was  apt  to  talk  about  it.  Meeting  the  judge 
in  company  with  several  gentlemen  of  the  bar  and  legisla- 
tors, then  convened  at  the  capitol,  the  favorite  subject  of 
the  colonel's  opened.  He,  anxious  to  enlighten  the  judge, 
directed  his  conversation  particularly  to  that  individual, 
who  was  sitting  head  in  hands,  thinking-cap  on,  apparently 
an  attentive  listener,  while  the  merits  of  economy,  inex- 
haustible supply,  great  manufacturing  advantages,  etc.,  etc., 
were  expatiated  on  in  all  the  earnestness  for  which  the 
colonel  is  remarkable.  After  concluding  his  statements 
with  statistical  and  divers  explanations,  he  asked  the  judge 
what  he  thought  of  it. 

"  Of  what?"  says  the  judge,  looking  up. 

"  Of  peat,"  replied  S . 

"  What  Pete?"  again  asked  the  judge. 

"  Why,  Irish  peat,"  says  S ,  somewhat  perplexed  at 

the  apparent  stupidity. 

"I  don't  know  him,  sir,"  replied  the  judge,  not  having 
heard  a  word  of  the  subject 

This  story  naturally  leads  to  the  relation  of  the  following 
incident  of  the  same  character.  There  lives  in  Wisconsin 
a  certain  Judge  J ,  who  is  noted  for  his  learning,  abil- 
ity, and  for  being  remarkably  absent-minded  when  intoxi- 
cated to  a  certain  degree.  Judge  J and  Senator  B 

had  been  on  a  visit  to  Madison  on  some  political  errand, 
and  had  both  become  somewhat  "  blue"  when  they  started 
for  home — a  distance  of  about  thirty  miles.  The  two 
friends  lived  in  the  same  town,  had  gone  to  Madison  to- 
gether in  the  same  buggy,  and  were  to  return  together,  and 
did  start  home  in  the  company  of  each  other  about  one 
o'clock  P.M.  At  the  "  Half-way  House"  they  stopped  to 
take  a  drink,  of  course,  and  Senator  B alighted  to  pro- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  183 

cure  the  "  red-eye,"  while  the  judge  remained  in  the  buggy. 
In  due  time  the  senator  returned  with  decanter  and  tum- 
bler, and  the  two  drank,  and  B returned  to  deliver  the 

"implements"  to  mine  host.  B deposited  the  tumbler 

and  decanter,  paid  for  the  "  exhilarator,"  then  called  for  a 
cigar,  and  proceeded  to  light  the  same.  Meantime  the 
judge,  having  taken  his  drink,  sat  quietly  for  the  space  of 

a  minute,  and,  forgetting  that  he  was  waiting  for  B , 

started  up  the  team  at  a  2.40  rate,  and  was  off. 

After  driving  about  five  miles  he  met  a  friend  going  to 
Madison,  whom  he  hailed  as  follows : 

"I  say,  D ,  just  stop  at  the  Half-way  House  and  ask 

the  landlord  if  I  left  any  thing  there.  It  seems  to  me  I 
came  away  and  forgot  something,  and  I  have  been  trying 
to  think  for  an  hour  what  it  is,  but  I  can't;  so  just  stop, 
won't  you,  and  inquire,  and  if  I  left  any  thing  just  bring  it 
out  when  you  come  back." 

D agreed,  and  the  judge  drove  home. 

Two  or  three  days  after  B— —  arrived,  and  immediately 
called  on  the  judge,  when  occurred  what  folio weth : 

Senator  B .  "  You  are  a  pretty  man,  to  leave  a  fellow 

that  way,  fifteen  miles  from  home,  ain't  you  ?" 

Judge  J .  "  Why,  B ,  what's  the  matter?" 

B .  "What's  the  matter!  Sure  enough,  I  have  a 

good  will  to  thrash  you  1" 

J .  "Why,  B ,  what's  the— I— I— don't  under- 
stand." 

B .  "  Don't  understand,  eh  ?  As  though  leaving  me 

at  the  Half-way  House  wasn't  enough,  but  you  must  send 

back  by  D '  to  inquire  if  you  hadn't  left  something !' 

and  now  make  strange,  as  though  you  didn't  know  it !" 

J .  "Ha!  ha!  ha!  That's  it.  I  knew  there  was 

something  wrong !  I  told  D I  had  left  something,  but 

couldn't  think  what.  Tried  to  remember  all  the  way 


184  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


home.     Asked  my  wife  what  was  missing  when  I  got 
home.     Have  thought  of  it  ever  since,  and  could  make 
nothing  of  it ;  and,  sure  enough,  it  was  you  !    Ha !  ha !  ha ! 
Sorry,  'pon  my  soul !     Let's  drink." 
And  they  did  drink. 


NO  COMPLIMENTS  UNDER  OATH. 

In  the  lifetime  of  the  noted  counselor,  B.  F.  Hallett,  Dr. 
Whittemore  was  on  the  stand  as  a  witness  in  an  important 
case.  The  doctor's  'testimony  not  helping  at  all  the  case 
which  Hallett  was  pleading,  he  took  occasion  to  say,  rather 
frequently,  as  he  had  been  wont  to  do  to  other  witnesses 
of  less  probity, 

"  Now,  Mr.Whittemore,  I  want  you  to  remember  that  you 
are  testifying  under  oath."  This  reminder  was  rather  sting- 
ing to  the  doctor's  sense  of  right ;  but  he  submitted  with 
as  good  grace  as  possible  till  the  testimony  was  closed,  when 
Mr.  Hallett  observed,  rather  testily, 

"  Well,  Mr.  Whittemore,  you  have  contrived  to  manage 
your  case  pretty  well." 

Mr.  Whittemore  found  his  turn  now,  and,  with  a  peculiar 
twinkle  of  his  eye,  replied, 

"  Thank  you,  Mr.  Hallett ;  perhaps  I  might  return  the 
compliment  if  I  were  not  testifying  under  oath." 


A  DIRTY  AND  ECCENTRIC  JUDGE. 

Hon.  A.  B.  Woodward,  a  native  of  Virginia,  was  appoint- 
ed by  President  Jefferson,  in  1805,  Chief  Justice  of  Michi- 
gan Territory.  The  judge  was  a  bachelor,  and  used  to  buy 
a  dozen  shirts,  with  broad  cambric  ruffles,  at  a  time,  and 
would  put  one  of  the  dozen  on,  and  wear  it  until  it  became 
soiled ;  then  put  on  shirt  No.  2  over  the  first,  and  so  one 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD VO CA TES.  1 85 

after  another,  until  he  had  the  whole  twelve  upon  his  per 
son  at  the  same  time.  When  the  exterior  one  was  too 
dirty  to  wear  longer,  this  one  was  taken  off,  and  No.  11 
came  into  view.  Thus  he  proceeded  until  the  entire  lot 
(save  No.  12)  had  been  twice  exposed  to  view.  Then  the 
whole  dozen  were  sent  to  his  laundress,  and  he  would  lie 
in  bed  until  they  were  purified  and  returned  to  him,  when 
he  would  go  through  the  same  rotation  month  after  month, 
until  they  were  all  worn  out,  and  then  he  got  another  doz- 
en. The  judge  would  buy  at  a  slop-shop  one  flannel  under- 
shirt, put  it  on  and  wear  it,  without  change  and  unwashed, 
until  it  literally  came  off  him  in  shreds. 


A  LEGAL  WAG. 

Judson  T.  Mills,  of  South  Carolina,  was  judge  of  a  district 
court  in  Northern  Texas,  fond  of  a  joke,  but  very  decided 
in  his  discharge  of  duty.  Thomas  Fannin  Smith  was  a 
practicing  lawyer  at  the  bar,  and  having  shamefully  mis- 
stated the  law  in  his  address  to  the  jury,  turned  to  the 
court,  and  asked  the  judge  to  charge  the  jury  accordingly. 
The  judge  was  indignant,  and  replied, 

"Does  the  counsel  take  the  court  to  be  a  fool?" 

Smith  was  not  abashed  by  the  reproof,  but  instantly  re- 
sponded, 

"I  trust  your  honor  will  not  insist  on  an  answer  to  that 
question,  as  I  might,  in  answering  it,  truly  be  considered 
guilty  of  contempt  of  court." 

"  Fine  the  counsel  ten  dollars,  Mr.  Clerk,"  said  the  judge. 

Smith  immediately  paid  the  money,  and  remarked  it  was 
ten  dollars  more  than  the  court  could  show. 

"  Fine  the  counsel  fifty  dollars,"  said  the  judge. 

The  fine  was  entered  by  the  clerk,  and  Smith,  not  being 
ready  to  respond  in  that  sum,  sat  down.  The  next  morn- 


186  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

ing,  on  the  opening  of  the  court,  Smith  rose,  and  with  much 
deference  of  manner  began, 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,  the  clerk  took  that  little  joke 
of  yours  yesterday  about  the  fifty  dollars  as  serious,  as  I 
perceive  from  the  reading  of  the  minutes.  Will  your  honor 
be  pleased  to  inform  him  of  his  error,  and  have  it  erased  ?" 

The  coolness  of  the  request  and  the  implied  apology 
pleased  the  judge,  and  he  remitted  the  fine. 


BITTER  SARCASM  OF  TRISTAM  BURGESS. 

During  the  debate  on  the  tariff  in  1828,  an  amendment 
was  offered  to  increase  the  duty  on  molasses  ten  cents  per 
gallon,  being  an  increase  of  a  hundred  per  cent,  ad  valorem. 
Its  object  was  to  choke  off  the  Northern  members,  and  in- 
directly to  kill  the  bill.  The  moment  the  amendment  was 
announced  by  the  chairman  in  Committee  of  the  Whole, 
Mr.  Burgess,  of  Rhode  Island,  arose,  and  implored  the 
mover  to  withdraw  it.  He  showed  its  effects  upon  the 
trade  between  the  Eastern  States  and  the  adjacent  islands 
in  timber,  and  the  return  cargoes  of  molasses,  which  was 
the  daily  food  of  the  poor.  His  speech  was  short,  and  to 
the  point.  As  he  took  his  seat,  Henry  Daniel,  of  Ken- 
tucky, sprang  to  his  feet,  and  roared  out  at  the  top  of  his 
voice, 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  let  the  .constituents  of  the  gentleman  from 
Ehode  Island  sop  their  bread  only  on  one  side  in  molasses, 
and  they  will  pay  the  same  duties  they  do  now." 
Mr.  Bartlett,  of  New  Hampshire,  here  remarked, 
"  Now  look  out  for  Tristam ;  Harry  will  catch  it." 
Mr.  Burgess  arose,  with  fire  beaming  from  his  counte- 
nance, and  addressed  the  chair : 

"  The  relief  proposed  by  the  gentleman  from  Kentucky 
is  but  adding  insult  to  injury.  Does  not  that  gentleman 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  187 

know  that  established  habit  becomes  second  nature,  and 
that  all  laws  are  cruel  and  oppressive  that  strike  at  the  in- 
nocent habits  of  the  people  ?  To  illustrate :  What  would 
the  gentleman  think  of  me  if  I  should  offer  an  amendment 
that  neither  himself  or  his  constituents  shall  hereafter  have 
more  than  a  pint  of  whisky  for  breakfast  instead  of  a  quart? 
Does  he  not  know  that  the  disposition  of  all  animals  par- 
takes, in  a  greater  or  less  degree,  of  the  food  on  which  they 
are  fed  ?  The  horse  is  noble,  kind,  and  grateful ;  he  is  fed 
on  grain  and  grass.  The  bear  (looking  at  Daniel,  who  was 
a  heavy,  short  man,  dressed  in  a  blue  coat  with  a  velvet 
collar)  will  eat  hog  and  raw  hominy.  You  may  domesti- 
cate him,  dress  him  in  a  blue  coat  with  a  velvet  collar,  and 
learn  him  to  stand  erect,  and  to  imitate  the  human  voice, 
as  some  showmen  have  done,  but  examine  him  closely,  sir 
(looking  at  Daniel  some  seconds),  you  will  discover  he  is 
the  bear  still.  The  gentleman  told  us,  in  a  speech  some 
days  ago,  that  his  district  produced  large  numbers  of  jack- 
asses, hogs,  and  mules.  No  stronger  proof  of  the  truth  of 
his  statements  can  be  given  than  a  look  at  its  representa- 
tive. I  ask  the  gentleman  to  keep  this  extra  duty  off  mo- 
lasses, and  commence  its  use  among  his  constituents,  and, 
as  feeble  as  our  hold  upon  life  is,  Mr.  Chairman,  a  man  may 
yet,  before  we  die,  be  permitted  to  go  to  his  grave  with  two 
eyes  in  his  head  in  the  gentleman's  district." 

Daniel  wilted  under  the  sarcasm,  and  few  members  aft- 
erward felt  disposed  to  arouse  the  eminent  son  of  Ehode 
Island. 


FRANKLIN'S  OPINION  OF  LAWYERS. 
Dr.  Franklin  thought  that  judges  ought  to  be  appointed 
by  lawyers,  for,  added  the  shrewd  man,  in  Scotland,  where 
this  practice  prevails,  they  always  select  the  ablest  member 


188 


BENCH  AND  BAR 


of  the  profession,  in  order  to  get  rid  of  him,  and  share  his 
practice  among  themselves. 


ANECDOTES  OF  CALHOUN". 

Few  anecdotes  of  the  late  Hon.  John  C.  Calhoun  are 
floating  in  the  public  mind.  He  was  not  a  man  of  tlie 
people,  but  his  genius  and  his  habits  placed  him  above  the 


masses,  whom  he  nevertheless  held  with  a  fascination  as 
hard  to  explain  as  to  resist.     The  following  is  remarkably 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO CA  TES.  189 

characteristic  of  Mr.  Calhoun,  and  well  deserves  to  be  pre- 
served : 

In  the  early  days  of  his  political  career  Mr.  Calhoun  had 
a  powerful  rival  and  opponent  in  the  Abbeville  District. 
South  Carolina  was  at  this  time  in  a  state  of  high  excite- 
ment, and  party  feeling  raged  fiercely  in  a  struggle  to  over- 
'throw  an  aristocratic  feature  of  the  Constitution.  The  issue 
was  upon  topics  that  enlisted  the  interests  and  prejudices 
of  parties,  and  they  waged  the  contest  with  the  energy  of  a 
civil  war.  Mr.  Calhoun  and  Mr.  Yancey  were  on  opposite 
sides,  the  leaders  of  hostile  bands,  and  the  idols  of  their 
respective  hosts.  There  was,  and  is,  for  he  still  lives,  a 
man  named  Marvin,  one  of  the  most  violent  of  Mr.  Yancey's 
party,  warmly  attached  to  him  as  a  personal  and  political 
friend,  and  following  him.  blindly  as  an  infallible  guide. 
He  was  a  very  eccentric  man,  and  his  peculiarities  had  per- 
haps led  the  people  to  call  him  "  Uncle  Jacob,"  by  which 
name  he  was  better  known  than  that  of  Marvin.  Bitter  in 
his  prejudices  and  strong  in  his  attachments,  he  could  see 
no  right  in  an  enemy,  no  wrong  in  a  friend.  On  the  other 
hand,  Mr.  Yancey  was  one  of  the  most  amiable  and  candid 
of  men.  The  strength  of  his  mind,  combined  with  the  tol- 
erance of  his  feelings,  raised  him  above  the  meanness  of 
clinging  to  error  when  reason  opposed  it.  In  the  dis- 
cussion that  ensued,  Mr.  Calhoun's  arguments  overpowered 
him,  and  he  candidly  confessed  himself  a  convert  to  his 
great  rival's  opinions.  Great  was  the  rage  of  "  Uncle  Ja- 
cob" when  he  heard  that  Yancey  had  struck  his  colors  to 
Calhoun.  He  swore  a  big  oath  that  he  would  thrash  Cal- 
houn if  the  story  was  true.  He  soon  found  that  it  was  so, 
and  started  at  once  to  put  his  threat  into  execution. 

He  found  Mr.  Calhoun  walking  slowly  and  calmly  back 
and  forth,  for  exercise,  on  the  piazza  of  the  hotel  where  he 
was  boarding.  Mr.  Calhoun  had  been  informed  of  Mar- 


190  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


vin's  intention,  and,  as  soon  as  he  saw  him  coming,  pre- 
pared himself  for  a  triumph,  not  of  force,  but  of  manner 
and  address.  Marvin  took  his  stand  where  Mr.  Calhoun 
was  to  pass,  and  awaited  the  trying  moment.  Mr.  Calhoun 
approached,  spoke  kindly,  and  passed  on  with  his  blandest 
smile.  Again  he  passed,  and  again,  each  time  repeating 
his  soothing  salutation,  and  expecting  the  man  to  com- 
mence his  attack.  But  a  strange  fascination  had  seized 
upon  "  Uncle  Jacob."  The  spell  which  genius  throws  over 
those  who  approach  it  had  unmanned  him.  At  last  he 
could  stand  it  no  longer,  but,  bursting  into  tears,  he  grasp- 
ed the  proffered  hand  of  Mr.  Calhoun,  told  him  frankly  the 
errand  on  which  he  had  come,  and  begged  his  pardon.  Mr. 
Calhoun  then  began  to  press  his  arguments  cautiously,  but 
forcibly,  and  in  a  few  minutes  Marvin  was  one  of  his  con- 
verts, and  a  decided  friend.  From  that  day  onward  Mr. 
Calhoun  had  no  more  ardent  follower  than  Marvin,  and  of 
all  "  rabid  Nullifiers"  Uncle  Jacob  was  the  rabidest,  and  to 
this  day  he  believes  there  never  was  such  a  man  in  this 
world  as  that  same  John  C.  Calhoun  whom  he  tried  to 
whip,  and  who  conquered  him  without  raising  a  finger  or 
saying  a  word. 


NONCHALANCE  OF  WILLIAM  H.  POLK. 

William  H.  Polk,  the  brother  of  the  late  President,  was 
once  an  independent  candidate  for  Congress  in  the  Colum- 
bia (Tennessee)  Congressional  district.  Mr.  Thomas,  his 
opponent,  habitually  in  discussions  charged  him  with  in- 
consistency. He  said  on  one  occasion  to  Mr.  Polk, 

"  Sir,  in  1850-'51  you  were  a  Compromise  man ;  since 
that  time  you  have  been  a  Fire-eater ;  and  you  were  again 
a  quasi  American ;  and  then,  again,  you  were  'soft'  on  the 
'  nigger  question  ;'  and  now,  sir,  how  are  you  to-day,  Mr. 
Polk?" 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  1 0 1 

In  an  instant  Polk  was  on  his  feet,  and,  with  a  bow,  and 
his  hand  extended,  replied, 

"  Pretty  well,  I  thank  you,  Colonel  Thomas.  How  do 
you  do  yourself?" 


LESLIE  COOMBS  AND  JOHN  C.  BRECKINKIDGE. 

Soon  after  John  C.  Breckinridge  had  been  elected  Vice- 
President  of  the  United  States,  he  and  General  Leslie 
Coombs,  a  bitter  party  opponent  but  warm  personal  friend, 
happened  to  meet  in  the  hat  store  of  Hiram  Shaw,  in  Lex- 
ington. The  conversation  naturally  turned  upon  politics, 
when  Breckinridge  remarked  that  "  no  man  living  had  for 
his  party  done  more  and  received  less  than  the  general." 

"  That  is  so,"  replied  the  old  wag ;  "  and,  Breckinridge, 
between  ourselves,  no  man  has  done  less  and  received  more 
from  his  party  than  you." 

A  roar  of  laughter  followed,  in  which  the  Vice-President 
joined  heartily. 


"A  CHARGE  TO   KEEP." 

Not  many  summers  ago  a  case  of  considerable  interest 
was  tried  before  Justice  Loomis,  of  Binghamton,  New  York. 
It  seems  that  the  orchard  of  one  of  the  neighboring  farmers 
had  been  at  different  times  visited,  and  many  of  the  best 

trees  robbed  of  their  fruit.     Of  course,  Farmer  E had 

a  curiosity  to  find  out  who  was  in  the  habit  of  appropria- 
ting his  apples.  So,  cautiously  concealing  himself  in  the 
shadow  of  the  fence,  he  discovered  a  fellow  in  the  act  of 

filling  a  bag  with  his  best  fruit.     Farmer  E started  for 

the  youth  with  his  gun,  but  the  fellow  took  to  his  heels, 
and  was  just  getting  over  the  fence,  when  a  discharge  from 
the  gun  "  laid  him  low."  On  the  trial  the  boy  was  intro- 


192  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


duced  to  prove  the  assault,  and  the  injury  inflicted.  He 
swore  that  a  large  number  of  shot  entered  his  back,  and, 
although  many  had  been  removed,  still  there  were  many 
left  "that  plagued  him  considerably."  The  doctor  who 
was  called  testified  to  the  fact  of  finding  a  number  of  shot 
in  the  flesh,  of  the  impossibility  of  removing  all,  and  of  the 
strong  probability  that  complainant  would  always  carry 
about  his  person  a  supply  of  lead.  The  lawyers  rested  the 
case,  and  the  learned  justice  arose  to  instruct  the  jury, 
when  from  the  farther  corner  of  the  room  appeared  the 
form  of  a  very  benevolent  but  extremely  seedy-looking  in- 
dividual, who,  peering  over  a  large  and  very  rusty  pair  of 
iron  spectacles,  and  pointing  his  long  finger  at  the  injured 
boy,  exclaimed, 

"  Young  man !  young  man !  you  can  truly  say  with  the 
poet, 

"  '  A  charge  to  keep  I  have.'" 

The  effect  was  irresistible.  Justice,  jury,  lawyers,  and 
audience  were  instantly  convulsed  with  uncontrollable 
laughter,  and  for  ten  minutes  or  more  business  was  com- 
pletely suspended.  The  verdict,  when  rendered,  was,  "  No 
cause  of  action." 


THOMAS  H.  BENTON'S  SARCASM. 

Thomas  H.  Benton  had  a  way  of  telling  a  story  that  the 
wits  of  the  day  might  be  proud  of,  if  they  could  beg,  or 
borrow,  or  steal  it.  In  the  year  1841,  the  famous  John 
Tyler  Bank  Bill  was  introduced  into  the  United  States  Sen- 
ate with  the  protracted  title  of  "An  act  to  provide  for  the 
better  collection,  safe  keeping,  and  disbursement  of  the 
public  revenue,  by  means  of  a  corporation,  to  be  styled  the 
Fiscal  Corporation  of  the  United  States."  Instantly  on  the 
title  being  read,  Mr.  Benton  exclaimed, 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES. 


193 


"  Heavens,  what  a  name !  long  as  the  moral  law.  The 
people  will  never  stand  it.  They  can  not  go  through  all 
that  Corporosity !  that  would  be  a  .great  abridgment ; 
but  still  it  is  too  long.  It  is  five  syllables,  and  people  will 
not  go  above  two  syllables,  or  three  at  most,  and  they  often 


hang  at  one.  I  go  for  short  names.  The  people  will  have 
them,  though  they  spoil  a  good  long  one  to  make  a  bad 
short  one.  There  was  a  most  beautiful  young  lady  in  New 
Orleans  some  years  ago,  as  there  always  has  been,  and  still 
are  many  such.  She  was  a  Creole.  A  gentleman,  who  was 

N 


194  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


building  a  splendid  steam-boat,  took  it  into  his  head  to 
honor  this  beautiful  young  lady  by  connecting  her  name 
with  his  vessel,  and  he  bestowed  upon  it,  in  golden  letters, 
the  captivating  designation  of  La  Belle  Creole.  The  vessel 
was  beautiful,  and  the  name  was  beautiful,  and  the  lady  was 
beautiful ;  but  all  the  beauty  on  earth  could  not  save  the 
name  from  the  catastrophe  to  which  all  long  titles  are  sub- 
jected. At  first  they  called  her  the  bell — not  the  French 
belle,  which  signifies  fine  or  beautiful,  but  the  plain  English 
bell,  defined  in  Scripture  to  be  a  tinkling  cymbal.  This 
was  bad  enough,  but  worse  was  coming.  It  so  happens 
that  the  vernacular  pronunciation  of  Creole  in  the  Kentucky 
waters  is  cre-owl;  so  they  began  up  there  to  call  this  beau- 
tiful boat  the  Creowl.  But  things  did  not  stop  here.  It 
was  too  extravagant  to  employ  two  syllables  when  one 
would  answer  as  well,  and  be  so  much  more  economical,  so 
the  first  half  of  the  name  was  dropped  and  the  last  retain- 
ed, and  thus  La  Belk  Creole — the  beautiful  Creole — sailed 
up  and  down  the  Mississippi  all  her  life  by  the  name,  style, 
title,  and  description  of  THE  OWL." 

Koars  of  laughter  in  the  Senate  followed  this  story,  and 
on  went  Ben  ton  with  another : 

"  I  do  not  pretend  to  impose  a  name  upon  this  bantling ; 
that  is  a  privilege  of  paternity,  or  sponsorship,  and  I  stand 
in  neither  relationship  to  this  babe.  But  a  name  of  brevity 
— of  brevity  and  significance — it  must  have,  and  if  the 
fathers  and  sponsors  do  not  bestow  it,  the  people  will,  for  a 
long  name  is  abhorred  and  eschewed  in  all  countries.  Ee- 
member  the  fate  of  John  Barebone,  the  canting  hypocrite, 
in  Cromwell's  time.  He  had  a  very  good  name — John 
Barebone;  but  the  knave  composed  a  long  verse,  like 
Scripture,  to  sanctify  himself  with  it,  and  entitled  himself 
thus,  '  Praise  God  Barebone ;  for  if  Christ  had  not  died  for 
you,  you  would  be  damned  Barebone.'  Now  this  was  very 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO  CA  TES.  195 

sanctimonious,  but  it  was  too  long — too  much  of  a  good 
thing — and  so  the  people  cut  it  all  off  but  the  last  two 
words,  and  called  the  fellow  '  damned  BareboneJ  and  noth- 
ing else,  all  his  life  after.  So  let  this  corporosity  beware ; 
it  may  get  itself  damned  before  it  is  done  with  us,  and 
Tyler  too." 

One  who  knew  him  well  thus  writes  of  Benton's  per- 
sonal character :  • 

"  The  tone,  manner,  and  bearing  of  Mr.  Benton  in  the 
Senate  were  not  suited  to  the  popular  taste,  nor  adapted  to 
win  the  partiality  of  the  mass  of  his  senatorial  brethren. 
His  tone  was  bold  and  imperious,  his  manner  precise,  and 
somewhat  dictatorial  and  dogmatical,  and  his  bearing  that 
of  a  giant  among  the  pigmies.  He  was  by  many  men  con- 
sidered a  savage,  egotistical,  selfish,  vainglorious,  and  lo- 
quacious old  aristocrat ;  and  yet,  in  solid  substance,  his 
speeches,  on  great  and  small  matters,  will  favorably  com- 
pare with  the  best  which  any  other  man  of  our  country  has 
produced,  and  his  real  character,  in  fact,  was  that  of  a  most 
practical  Democrat.  As  the  head  of  a  family,  husband, 
father,  companion,  and  host,  he  was  a  model  of  affection, 
simplicity,  and  hospitality.  Among  his  neighbors  no  man 
could  be  more  popular.  Among  his  children  and  grand- 
children he  was  literally  worshiped  as  their  best  friend, 
their  teacher,  their  companion,  and  their  guide.  At  his 
own  table  or  by  his  own  fireside,  his  genial  spirit,  his  ex- 
tensive readings^  his  great  experience,  and  minute  observa- 
tion concerning  men  and  things,  and  his  wonderful  mem- 
ory, rendered  his  conversations  positively  charming,  upon 
whatever  subject  they  might  turn.  And  upon  the  little 
trifles  of  every-day  gossip  he  could  talk  by  the  hour,  and 
give  an  essay  upon  a  lady's  bonnet  and  the  changes  of  the 
fashions  as  readily  as  upon  the  treaty  of  Utrecht." 


196  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ANECDOTE   OF  VALLANDIGHAM. 

Clement  L.  Vallandigham,  while  member  of  Congress, 
was  on  a  visit  to  New  Lisbon,  Ohio,  of  which  town  he  is  a 
native.  During  the  visit  in  question  he  had  occasion  to 
attend  court  in  the  adjoining  county  of  Mahoning,  town  of 
Canfield.  Several  members  of  the  New  Lisbon  bar  were 
going  up,  and  they  went  in  company  on  horseback.  Val- 
landigham  was  doing  some  business  for  his  friend  Wright, 
who  owned  a  bay  horse,  which  he  offered  to  him  for  the 
occasion.  This  horse  was  remarkable  for  nothing  in  par- 
ticular— a  quiet,  tractable  animal.  Arrived  at  Canfield,  the 
company  divided,  some  stopping  at  the  American  House; 
the  others,  including  Vallandigham,  went  to  the  United 
States  Hotel.  The  session  was  drawing  to  a  close,  and  all 
the  New  Lisbon  members  had  returned  except  Anson 
Brewer  and  Vallandigham.  At  last  they  were  ready  to  go, 
and  the  latter  arranged  to  meet  Mr.  Brewer  at  the  Ameri- 
can immediately  after  dinner.  Dinner  was  dispatched, 
portmanteau  called  for,  and  horse  ordered  out.  The  clerk 
gave  the  orders,  portmanteau  was  brought,  but  the  horse 
was  not.  Impatient  with  delay,  the  hostler  was  again  sum- 
moned, and  again  ordered  to  "bring  out  Mr.  Vallandi- 
gham's  horse." 

"  Ay,  ay !  but  please,  yer  honor,  'pon  me  soul  I  don't 
know  which  is  yer  honor's  nag." 

The  clerk  desired  Mr.V.  to  describe  the  horse,  remarking 
that,  "  where  there  are  so  many  coming  and  going,  it  is 
hard  for  the  hostler  always  to  remember  to  whom  each  be- 
longs." 

"Very  true,"  replied  Vallandigham ;  and,  after  reflecting 
a  moment,  continued,  "And,  upon  'my  honor,'  it  will  be  hard 
for  me  to  describe  the  horse.  Indeed,  I  will  not  attempt  it, 
but  will  go  into  the  stable  and  show  the  hostler." 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  197 

Out  they  went,  up  nnd  down  the  stable  walked  Vallandi- 
ghara  and  the  hostler.  The  former  looked  perplexed,  the 
hostler  apologized  for  forgetting.  At  last  Yallandigham 
suddenly  stopped  behind  a  fine  chestnut  sorrel,  and  with 
much  assurance  said,  "That's  the  horse;  bring  him  out." 

Out  went  the  horse,  on  went  the  M.  C.,  and  away  they 
went  together.  Mr.  Brewer  was  waiting  in  front  of  the 
American,  ready  to  mount  so  soon  as  his  friend  came  up. 

They  were  just  about  starting,  when  a  countryman  (a 
farmer)  came  running  up  almost  out  of  breath.  Seizing 
hold  of  the  bridle-rein  of  Vallandigham's  horse,  and  look- 
ing him  fiercely  in  the  eyes,  he  demanded,  "Where  are  you 
going  to?" 

"  Why,  what's  the  matter  ?     I'm  going  home." 

"Matter!  I  shall  have  you  arrested  for  horse-stealing, 
you  villain !  Where  did  you  ge"t  this  horse?" 

Vallandigham  looked  at  the  stranger  as  if  he  thought  he 
was  playing  off  a  joke ;  but  he  saw  by  the  fire  in  his  eyes 
that  it  was  no  joke.  He  looked  at  the  horse,  then  at  Brew- 
er— he  saw  fun  in  Brewer's  eye — then  at  the  stranger  again, 
and  replied, 

"  My  dear  sir,  this  horse  belongs  to  my  friend  Wright, 
of  New  Lisbon.  I  rode  him  up  several  days  ago,  and  now 
I  am  going  back.  Brewer,  isn't  it  so  ?" 

Brewer  said,  "  No,  Val,  you're  caught.  Stranger,  arrest 
him ;  he  has  stolen  your  horse." 

Stranger  smiled,  said  he  was  sorry  to  give  any  trouble, 
but  if  V.  would  treat  he  would  let  him  off.  He  acquiesced, 
and  then,  with  Brewer,  rode  back  to  the  United  States  sta- 
bles, and  the  horse  was  exchanged.  Brewer,  knowing 
Wright's  horse,  pointed  him  out  at  first  sight. 


198  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


THE   CLERGY  ATTACKED  AND   DEFENDED. 

Soon  after  the  War  of  1812,  and  when  party  politics  ran 
very  high  between  the  Federalists  and  Democrats,  the  Eev. 

Mr.  H published,  in  a  newspaper  edited  by  him,  a  li- 

belous  article  on  a  Democrat  who  stood  high  with  his 
party.  An  action  was  brought  against  Mr.  H by  Law- 
yer Smith,  noted  for  his  coarseness  and  vulgar  abuse  of 
parties  against  whom  he  was  employed.  Mr.  Daggett  was 
retained  to  defend  the  action.  In  the  course  of  his  argu- 
ment to  the  jury,  Smith  went  off  into  a  harangue  against 
the  defendant  and  clergymen  generally,  remarking  that  the 
latter  were  continually  fomenting  quarrels,  and  were,  on 
the  whole,  a  very  powerful  and  dangerous  class.  "  Gen- 
tlemen," said  he,  "  they  are  corrupt  now,  and  always  have 
been ;  we  find,  as  far  back  as  the  sacred  records  extend, 
that  the  priest  Balaam  was  so  corrupt  that  even  his  own 
ass  rebuked  him." 

Mr.  Daggett,  in  reply,  after  alluding  to  the  character  of 
his  client,  and  presenting  the  clergy  in  a  different  light 
from  his  antagonist,  in  referring  to  the  remarks  of  the  lat- 
ter about  clergymen,  told  the  jury  that  the  learned  counsel 
had  traveled  out  of  the  record,  and  inveighed  against  the 
corruptions  of  the  clergy. 

"  Why,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  he  has  searched  among 
the  records  of  scriptural  history,  and  adduced  the  case  of 
Balaam  and  his  ass ;  but,  gentlemen,  the  counsel  need  not 
have  gone  back  so  far,  for  even  in  our  own  day  (turning  to 
Smith)  there  are  plenty  of  asses  to  rebuke  the  clergy,  but, 
unlike  Balaam's  ass,  they  don't  seem  to  be  very  much  in- 
spired I" 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO  CA  TES.  199 


A  REFLECTION  ON  THE  COURT. 

When  Judge  Hewett  was  on  the  bench  in  the  Western 
District  of  the  State  of  New  York,  and  Colonel  Billings 
was  trying  a  case  before  his  honor,  the  judge  overruled  so 
many  of  the  lawyer's  exceptions  that  Billings  got  out  of 
patience,  and  spoke  so  severely  that  the  judge  at  last  de- 
manded, in  a  voice  of  thunder, 

"  What  does  the  counsel  suppose  I  am  here  for?" 

Colonel  Billings  looked  sadly  disconcerted,  scratched  his 
head,  thought  a  moment,  and  at  last,  with  a  bland  smile  on 
his  face,  replied, 

"  I  confess  your  honor  has  got  me  now." 


THE  COURT  COULD  NOT  WHOLESALE. 

In  an  interior  county  of  Ohio,  in  a  criminal  court  pre- 
sided over  by  a  judge  of  considerable  humor,  a  notorious 
thief  was  on  trial  for  a  larceny.  The  principal  question  of 
fact  in  the  case  was  whether  the  property  stolen  was  worth 
thirty-five  dollars,  or  less  than  that  amount.  According  to 
the  statutes  of  that  state,  if  the  value  amounted  to  this  sum, 
the  offense  was  grand  larceny,  and  the  penalty  would  be 
imprisonment  in  the  penitentiary,  where  the  rogue  right- 
fully belonged.  After  the  jury  had  been  out  for  several 
hours,  they  returned  into  court,  and  said  to  the  judge  that 
ike-f  could  not  agree  unless  he  charged  them  whether  they 
should  estimate  the  goods  at  the  wholesale  or  retail  price. 
Thereupon  the  judge  drew  himself  up,  and  enlightened 
them  thus : 

"  Well,  gentlemen,  considering  the  way  the  rascal  came 
by  the  goods,  I  don't  think  the  court  can  afford  to  whole- 
sale them  to  him." 

The  doors  of  the  penitentiary  opened  accordingly. 


200  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


TEN   PER   CENT.  OF   MALARIA. 

At  Hainesville,  Alabama,  during  the  trial  of  trie  great 
Lucas  will  case,  Hon.  H.  W.  Hilliard,  in  an  eloquent  speech 
for  the  contestants,  compared  the  vast  estate  to  a  stagnant 
pool,  giving  off  malaria  and  affecting  the  moral  atmosphere. 
It  had  been  proved,  however,  on  the  trial,  that  the  agree- 
ment between  the  contestants  and  their  lawyers  was  that 
the  latter  should  receive  ten  per  cent,  of  what  they  recover- 
ed for  their  services.  In  answering  Mr.  Hilliard,  Hon. 
Sam.  F.  Eice  replied  to  the  "  malaria"  argument  by  saying 
that  he  supposed,  if  Mr.  Hilliard's  side  proved  successful, 
"  he  would  come  to  his  clients,  holding  his  nose  with  one 
hand  and  opening  a  pocket  with  the  other,  and  request 
them,  as  he  was  very  delicate,  and  fearful  of  his  health,  to 
drop,  very  gently,  a  little — about  ten  per  cent. — of  that  '  ma- 
laria' into  that  pocket !"  This  view  of  the  malaria  was  too 
much  for  the  jury,  court,  and  spectators. 


A  BLACK  FLAG. 

Among  the  youngest,  handsomest,  liveliest,  and  wittiest 
individuals  on  the  New  York  Superior  Court  bench  is 

Judge  E ,  a  man  whose  judicial  honors  have  not 

abated  a  whit  his  natural  relish  for  hearing  and  perpetra- 
ting a  good  thing  when  occasion  offers.  The  following 
concerning  him  will  fortify  this  statement : 

"  Some  years  ago,  before  Judge  E was  appointed  to 

the  bench,  he  happened  to  be  present  at  a  camp-meeting 
held  somewhere  in  the  region  of  Cape  Cod.  At  the  time 
there  was  present  a  middle-aged  man,  and  an  outsider  at 
that,  who  plumed  himself  on  his  knowledge  of  the  world, 
and  who  spoke  rather  contemptuously  of  the  object  of  the 
meeting,  which  was  exceedingly  annoying  to  those  in  at- 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.          201 

tendance.  Finally  the  profane  individual  concluded  some 
derisive  remarks  by  saying,  within  the  hearing  of  the 
future  judge,  that  if  he  '  had  a  black  flag  he  would  give  it 
to  them,  that  it  might  be  hung  up  to  show  who  they  were, 
and  who  they  worshiped.' 

"  'That  can  easily  be  had,'  exclaimed  R ;  'make  a 

flag  of  your  character,  sir,  and  none  will  be  blacker.'  " 


REMINISCENCES  'OF  SARGENT  S.  PRENTISS. 

Sargent  S.  Prentiss,  the  great  Southern  orator  and  legal 
luminary,  appeared  upon  the  theatre  of  active  life  as  the 
meteor  appears,  dazzling  the  eye  of  all  who  beheld  him, 
and  then  disappearing,  leaving  behind  scintillations  which 
are  impossible  to  recall  by  description  or  fully  understand, 
except  as  personal  witnesses.  Mr.  Webster,  alluding  to  his 
great  speech  in  Congress  which  Mr.  Prentiss  made  when 
his  seat  was  contested,  said  he  had  never  heard,  in  all  his 
public  life,  any  thing  equal  to  it.  Mr.  Clay,  alluding  to 
Mr.  Prentiss,  said  that  the  theatres  of  eloquence  and  public 
speaking  in  the  United  States  (without  alluding  to  the  pul- 
pit) are  the  legislative  hall,  the  forum,  and  the  stump. 
Some  of  his  contemporaries  were  eminently  successful  on 
one  of  these  theatres,  without  being  able  to  exhibit  any  re- 
markable ability  in  the  others ;  Prentiss  was  brilliant  and 
successful  in  them  all.  It  was  difficult  for  such  witnesses 
as  Clay  and  "Webster  to  decide  whether  Prentiss  was  most 
able  in  an  argument  before  the  Supreme  Court  than  he 
was  captivating  in  a  popular  address  before  the  people. 
Chief  Justice  Marshall  listened  to  his  first  effort  before  his 
court  with  profound  astonishment,  and,  commenting  upon 
the  qualities  of  Mr.  Prentiss's  power,  remarked,  "  that  if  it 
were  not  for  his  surpassing  eloquence  he  would  gain  the 
title  to  the  best  legal  mind  in  the  country."  In  his  man- 


202 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


agement  of  cases,  and  in  his  intercourse  with  members  of 
the  bar  and  bench,  he  was  a  model  of  fairness  and  gentle- 
manly manners.  His  conversational  powers  were  equal  to 
his  eloquence,  and  his  wit,  humor,  and  flowing  courtesy 


made  him  perfectly  fascinating  in'  usual  life.  His  faculty 
of  mastering  a  profoundly  written  book  at  a  superficial 
reading,  or  a  law  case  at  a  glance,  was  so  great  that  he  had 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  203 

little  apparent  need  of  labor,  yet  he  was  really  a  most  pro- 
found student.  His  memory  was  so  quick  and  retentive 
that  whatever  he  read  with  the  least  attention  he  perfectly 
remembered.  He  could  recite,  without  missing  a  word, 
such  poems  as  "The  Lady  of  the  Lake"  or  "  Childe  Har- 
old ;"  the  Bible  and  Shakspeare  he  knew  "  from  lid  to  lid." 
His  faculty  of  memory  was  so  great  that  he  said  himself  he 
did  not  always  know  whether  he  was  uttering  his  own 
thoughts,  or  dealing  out  the  thoughts,  feelings,  and  lan- 
guage of  others.  While  argument  was  his  forte,  he  often 
lessened  its  effectiveness  by  the  use  of  tropes.  He  was  a 
miracle  in  his  gifts  and  character.  Every  trait  of  his  na- 
ture was  in  excess ;  his  virtues  leaned  to  faults,  and  his 
faults  to  virtues.  He  was  compounded  of  all  sorts  of  con- 
tradictions, without  possessing  a  single  element  that  could 
disgust,  without  one  characteristic  that  did  not  attract  and 
charm.  Except  his  two  appearances  before  the  Supreme 
Court  of  the  United  States  and  his  two  years  in  Congress, 
his  public  acts  were  confined  mainly  to  the  southern.  States 
of  Mississippi  and  Louisiana,  and  very  little  is  left,  except 
personal  anecdotes,  to  embalm  his  memory. 

Mr.  Prentiss  was  no  duelist  On  principle,  but  he  accepted 
the  custom  as  it  prevailed  in  his  day  in  Mississippi  as  a 
necessity,  and  acted  accordingly.  As  he  rose  in  his  pro- 
fession he,  of  course,  made  business  and  political  enemies, 
and,  as  a  last  resort  to  put  him  down,  recourse  was  had  to 
the  "laws  of  honor."  Being  a  "Yankee,"  in  the  Southern 
acceptation  of  the  word,  it  was  presumed  that  "he  would 
not  fight;"  and  if  he  refused,  it  was  held  that,  as  he  would 
be  disgraced,  his  overwhelming  influence  would  be  lost. 
To  make  the  whole  thing  as  unpalatable  as  possible  to  Mr. 
Prentiss,  a  wretched  creature  who  lived  in  Yicksburg,  who, 
though  once  respectable,  had  lost  every  thing  but  a  certain 
physical  courage  that  made  him  willing  to  take  the  chances 


204  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


of  a  duel  with  a  man  of  brilliant  character  who  had  never 
fired  a  pistol,  was  selected  to  presume  an  insult  and  send 
a  challenge.  Upon  receiving  the  "  message"  Mr.  Prentiss 
at  once  comprehended  the  depth  of  the  plot ;  he  was  ex- 
pected to  bear  the  degradation  of  not  only  "  backing  down," 
but  the  additional  mortification  of  doing  it  to  an  individual 
.who  was  socially  beneath  contempt.  Having  read  the  chal- 
lenge attentively,  he  said  he  would  return  an  answer  at  the 
proper  time.  The  following  morning  Mr.  Prentiss  made 
up  a  bundle,  with  a  letter  neatly  tied  on  the  outside,  and 
by  the  hands  of  his  servant  sent  it  to  the  challenger.  The 
principal  and  his  friends  were  confounded  at  such  a  pro- 
ceeding. "  Certainly,"  said  they,  "  Mr.  Prentiss  must  be 
profoundly  ignorant  of  the  '  laws  of  honor,'  else  he  would 
not  send  an  answer  to  a  challenge  by  the  hands  of  a  nig- 
ger ;"  but  the  reading  of  the  note  set  the  matter  at  rest.  It 
read  as  follows : 

"Mr. ,  I  have  received  your  challenge  to  mortal 

combat ;  before  I  can  accept  it,  I  insist  that  you  shall  have 
at  least  one  quality  of  a  gentleman,  viz.,  be  habited  in  a 
clean  shirt,  which  desirable  article  I  send  you  by  the  hon- 
est bearer  of  this  note.  Thus  strengthened  in  your  social 
position  by  a  single  quality  that  makes  you  worthy  of  my 
notice,  I  will  then  proceed  to  arrange  farther  prelimina- 
ries." 

It  is  useless  to  say  that  the  duel  did  not  take  place. 

Subsequently  Henry  S.  Foote,  whose  irritability  was  pro- 
verbial, challenged  Mr.  Prentiss  for  some  severe  language 
the  orator  had  used  in  a  political  discussion.  The  event 
attracted,  as  might  be  supposed,  a  good  deal  of  interest;  and 
as  the  time  and  place  of  meeting  was  days  beforehand  well 
advertised,  the  spectators  were  innumerable.  Mr.  Foote, 
though  a  very  bad  shot,  was  a  practiced  duelist ;  Mr.  Pren- 
tiss at  this  time  was,  on  the  contrary,  to  make  his  first  ap- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  205 

pearance  in  such  a  field.  The  first  round  proving  harmless 
shots,  after  the  combatants  were  for  the  second  time  proper- 
ly placed,  and  just  as  the  word  was  about  to  be  given  "to 
fire,"  Mr.  Prentiss  heard  a  limb  of  a  tree  snap  just  over  his 
head,  and,  looking  up,  saw  a  little  boy  in  the  branches,  who 
was  thus  posted  to  get  a  view  of  the  interesting  proceed- 
ings below.  Mr.  Prentiss,  with  a  voice  distinguished  for  all 
its  musical  softness,  said, 

"  My  little  fellow,  you  had  better  get  down  from  that 
tree,  for  Mr.  Foote  is  shooting  very  wild." 

An  instant  afterward  Mr.  Foote  fell,  dangerously  but  not 
fatally  wounded ;  Mr.  Prentiss  was  unharmed. 

Prentiss,  in  speaking  of  his  early  life,  said  he  commenced 
in  the  vicinity  of  Natchez  as  a  pedagogue,  and  that  while 
he  taught  school,  to  quicken  the  young  idea  how  to  shoot, 
he  cleared  ground  enough  of  birchen  rods  to  entitle  him  to 
a  pre-emption  right  of  public  land. 

A  gentleman,  wishing  to  commend  the  character  of  the 
people  of  his  neighborhood,  told  Prentiss  that  there  was  no 
jail  in  the  county. 

"Ah!"  said -Prentiss,  archly,  "possibly  the  rascals  are  in 
the  majority,  and  they  won't  build  one." 

Looking  at  a  plantation  that  was  submerged  by  an  over- 
flow, he  suggested  to  the  owner  that,  now  it  was  really 
afloat,  he  had  better  pull  it  out  to  sea  and  be  done  with  it. 

Prentiss  never  was  off  his  guard,  nor  ever  lost  his  pres- 
ence of  mind.  While  making  a  stump  speech  in  favor  of 
his  political  idol,  Henry  Clay,  a  rude  fellow  intruded  him- 
self among  the  audience  carrying  a  banner,  on  which  was 
inscribed  "  Hurrah  for  Polk."  The  man  advanced  slowly 
toward  the  stand,  intending  to  create  a  disturbance.  No 
sooner  did  Prentiss  discover  the  significant  motto  than  he 
exclaimed, 

"  In  short,  fellow-citizens,  you  have  now  before  you  the 


206  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

sum  and  substance  of  all  the  arguments  of  the  opposite 
party,  '  Hurrah  for  Polk!"1 ': 

The  effect  was  electrical  as  the  poor  fellow  with  the  ban- 
ner slunk  away  amid  the  jeers  of  the  crowd. 

On  another  occasion  he  was  engaged  in  a  political  dis- 
cussion. The  gentleman  who  preceded  him  on  the  "oppo- 
site side"  was  very  wordy,  and  very  dull,  and  spoke,  by 
secret  agreement  with  his  friends,  "  against  time,"  so  that 
it  was  nearly  dark  before  Prentiss  rose  to  speak.  It  so 
happened  that  at  that  critical  moment  a  jackass  in  a  neigh- 
boring pound  commenced  braying,  and  kept  it  up  until 
Prentiss's  friends  were  annoyed,  and  his  political  opponents 
were  in  ecstacy  and  roars  of  laughter.  Prentiss  waited  pa- 
tiently until  the  long-eared  animal  got  through,  and  then, 
casting  a  sort  of  comical  look  on  the  previous  speaker,  he 
turned  to  the  audience  and  said,  "  I  did  not  come  here  to- 
day to  reply  to  two  equally  eloquent  speeches"  and  sat  down. 
The  effect  of  this  sally  upon  a  Southern  audience  can  not 
be  described.  Prentiss  was  carried  from  the  stand  in  the 
arms  of  his  admirers. 

In  the  year  1844  Mr.  Clay  was  at  New  Orleans,  a  guest 
of  the  St.  Charles  Hotel.  The  largest  crowd  that  ever  as- 
sembled in  that  city  was  collected  in  front  of  it,  admirers 
of  Mr.  Clay,  who  demanded  in  wild  acclaim  that  he  should 
make  a  speech.  Mr.  Clay  came  forward,  and  occupying  a 
place  between  two  of  the  tall  columns  that  graced  the  front 
of  the  building,  said  a  few  words,  and,  to  the  disappoint- 
ment of  the  crowd,  retired.  Mr.  Prentiss  at  the  same  in- 
stant was  discovered  at  a  side  window  of  the  hotel,  and  was 
called  for  so  clamorously  that  he  permitted  himself  to  be 
literally  dragged  to  the  front  of  the  portico.  His  appear- 
ance was  greeted  by  the  wildest  enthusiasm.  When  si- 
lence was  restored,  he  said, 

"  Fellow-citizens,  when  the  eagle  is  soaring  in  the  sky, 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          207 

the  owls  and  the  bats  retire  to  their  holes."  Before  the 
shouts  that  followed  this  evident  allusion  to  Mr.  Clay  had 
ceased,  Mr.  Prentiss  had  disappeared  in  the  surrounding 
multitude. 

The  first  election  of  Mr.  Prentiss  was  contested,  and  he 
was  refused  his  seat.  He  returned  to  Mississippi,  and  ap- 
pealed to  the  people  against  what  he  pronounced  an  unjust 
decision  of  the  House.  It  was  in  this  great  canvass  that 
he  displayed  the  unrivaled  abilities  that  at  the  time  at- 
tracted so  much  attention.  According  to  Southwestern 
custom,  he  made  his  appointments  to  speak  at  designated 
times  all  over  the  state.  Crowds  followed  him  wherever 
he  went.  The  canvass  became  a  sort  of  political  and*in- 
tellectual  carnival.  After  a  while  Prentiss  discovered  that 
whenever  he  entered  a  town  that  a  traveling  menagerie  was 
sure  to  accompany  him.  It  was,  on  examination,  discover- 
ed that  the  proprietor  of  the  wild  beasts  had  advertised  his 
show  on  the  same  days  that  Prentiss  had  announced  him- 
self to  make  a  speech.  The  "  boys,"  after  consultation,  de- 
cided, that  as  the  showman  had  made  himself  a  sort  of  in- 
terloping partner  in  the  political  campaign,  that  Prentiss 
should  speak  under  the  menagerie-tent,  and  on  top  of  the 
lion's  cage.  It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  the  show  was 
crowded  at  the  proper  time.  Prentiss  was  introduced,  and 
mounted  his  singular  rostrum.  For  a  while  the  audience 
and  animals  were  quiet — the  former  listening,  the  latter 
eying  the  speaker  with  grave  intensity.  The  first  wild 
burst  of  applause  electrified  the  permanent  inmates  of  the 
menagerie.  The  elephant  threw  his  trunk  into  the  air,  and 
echoed  back  the  noise,  while  the  bears  and  tigers  signifi- 
cantly growled.  On  went  Prentiss,  and  as  each  particular 
animal  vented  its  rage  or-  approbation,  he  most  ingeniously 
alluded  to  its  habits  and  appearance  as  suggestive  of  some 
man  or  passion.  In  the  mean  time,  the  stately  king  of 


208  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


beasts,  who  had  been  quietly  treading  the  mazes  of  his 
prison,  became  alarmed  at  the  footsteps  overhead,  and, 
placing  his  mouth  close  to  the  floor  of  his  cage,  made  ev- 
ery thing  tremble  by  a  terrible  roar.  This,  joined  with  the 
already  excited  feelings  of  the  audience,  caused  the  ladies 
to  shriek,  and  a  fearful  commotion  followed.  For  an  in- 
stant it  seemed  as  if  some  terrible  catastrophe  was  impend- 
ing, when  Prentiss  suddenly  changed  his  tone  and  manner. 
He  commenced  a  playful  strain,  and  introduced  the  jackal 
and  hyena,  and  capped  the  climax  by  likening  some  well- 
known  political  opponent  to  a  grim  baboon  that  presided 
over  the  cage  with  the  monkeys.  The  resemblance  was 
instantly  recognized,  and  bursts  of  laughter  followed  that 
literally  set  many  persons  present  into  convulsions.  The 
baboon,  all  unconscious  of  the  attention  he  was  attracting, 
suddenly  assumed  a  grimace,  and  then  a  most  serious  face, 
when  Prentiss  exclaimed,  "  I  see,  my  fine  fellow,  that  your 
feelings  are  hurt  by  my  unjust  comparison,  and  I  humbly 
beg  your  pardon."  The  effect  of  all  this  can  not  be  even 
vaguely  imagined. 

Mr.  Prentiss,  when  a  young  man,  spent  some  time  in  Cin- 
cinnati, unknown  and  unhonored.  Years  after  some  busi- 
ness of  importance  called  him  to  that  city.  Just  then  a 
great  public  meeting  was  to  be  held,  and  it  was  desired  to 
have  Mr.  Prentiss  as  one  of  the  speakers.  A  committee, 
of  which  Mr.  Thomas  was  a  member,  was  appointed  to  wait 
upon  him.  They  found  him  in  the  barber's  shop  of  the 
hotel,  in  a  condition  too  usual  with  him. 

"  No,  gentlemen,"  he  replied  to  their  request,  "  I  will  not 
open  my  lips  in  Cincinnati.  I  spent  nine  long  months 
here,  and  during  that  time  no  man  offered  me  his  hand,  no 
woman  gave  me  her  smile.  I  verily  believe  that  in  the 
last  great  day  an  indictment  will  be  tried  before  a  jury  of 
the  Twelve  Apostles  charging  Porkopolis  with  being  the 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  209 

meanest  village  on  the  footstool.  I  shall  be  the  prosecuting 
attorney,  and  I  am  confident  that  I  shall  secure  a  verdict." 

Mr.  Prentiss  once  gave  a  magnificent  dinner  to  some 
friends  at  a  hotel  in  Vicksburg.  Early  in  the  evening  a 
stranger  entered  the  room  by  mistake.  Prentiss  courteous- 
ly invited  him  to  join  the  party.  Before  long  the  strange 
guest  began  boasting  of  how  much  he  had  drunk  during 
the  day — a  cocktail  here,  a  smasher  there,  a  julep  in  this 
place,  a  sling  in  that,  and  so  on  apparently  without  end. 
At  length  Prentiss  interrupted  him  : 

"  Sir,"  said  he,  "  do  you  believe  in  the  doctrine  of  me- 
tempsychosis ?" 

"  I  don't  know,"  was  the  reply ;  "  and  I  don't  see  that  it 
has  any  thing  to  do  with  what  we  were  talking  about." 

"It  has,"  rejoined  Prentiss,  "much — much  every  way. 
I  have  firm  faith  in  that  doctrine.  I  believe  that  in  the 
next  life  every  man  will  be  transformed  into  the  thing  for 
which  he  has  best  qualified  himself  in  this.  In  that  life, 
sir,  you  will  become  a  corner  groggery." 

As  the  night  passed  on,  Prentiss  grew  more  and  more 
wild  and  brilliant.  "  Thomas,"  he  suddenly  asked,  after  a 
brief  pause,  '*you  are  lame,  like  myself.  What  caused  it?" 

"  A  fall  from  a  horse,  while  I  was  a  boy." 

"  Ah !  there  you  are  more  fortunate  than  I.  I  was  born 
so.  I  bear  in  my  body  the  taint  of  original  sin,  Now  I 
know  you  are  a  religious  man.  For  what,  above  all  things, 
do  you  thank  God  ?" 

"  I  am  thankful  for  health,  strength,  friends,  and  the 
manifold  blessings  of  life." 

"  So  am  I.  I  have  all  these,  and  am  not,  I  trust,  un- 
thankful for  them.  But  none  of  these  is  the  thing  for 
which  above  all  others  I  offer  the  most  devout  thanksgiv- 
ing. I  will  tell  you  what  that  is.  Yesterday  I  was  grossly 
insulted  by  a  six-foot  Mississippian.  I  retired  to  my  cham- 

O 


210  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ber,  fell  on  my  knees,  and  poured  out  my  soul  in  prayer 
and  thanksgiving.  I  might  have  thanked  my  Maker  for 
health  and  prosperity ;  but  I  did  not.  I  might  have  thank- 
ed Him  that  I  was  born  in  an  age  of  light  and  culture ; 
but  I  did  not.  I  might  have  thanked  Him  that  I  was  not 
born  in  the  State  of  Mississippi ;  but  I  did  not  even  do 
that.  But  I  did  thank  Him  from  the  very  depths  of  my 
soul  that  I  was  born  in  an  age  of  gunpowder.  I  rose  from 
my  knees  and  wrote  a  message  to  the  man  who  had  insult- 
ed me.  That  brought  him  down,  sir,  and  he  apologized. 
Ought  I  not  to  be  thankful  that  I  was  born  in  an  age  of 
gunpowder?" 

A  basket  of  Champagne  stood  by  the  side  of  Prentiss. 
High  up  in  the  wall  of  the  opposite  end  of  the  room  was  a 
hole  made  to  receive  a  stove-pipe.  Mr.  Prentiss  took  bottle 
after  bottle  of  the  costly  wine,  and  flung  them  with  unfail- 
ing accuracy  through  this  hole  into  the  chimney.  All  at 
once  a  new  idea  flashed  across  his  mind.  "George,"  said 
he  to  the  negro  waiter  in  attendance,  "  would  you  like  to 
be  free?" 

"  Well,  Mass'  Prentiss,  I  think  it  mout  be  a  nice  thing  to 
be  free." 

"  You  shall  be  free  this  night  if  you  wish.  "What  do 
you  think  your  master  will  sell  you  for  ?" 

"  I  'spects  I'se  one  of  the  best  niggers  in  Massisip.  I 
s'pose  marster  would  want  a  thousand  dollars  for  me." 

"  That  is  not  exorbitant.  But  for  ready  money  your 
master  will  sell  you  for  nine  hundred  dollars.  You  saw 
me  fling  the  bottles  through  that  hole  ?" 

"Yes,  sir;  and  mighty  nice  you  did  it  too.  It  takes 
Mass'  Prentiss  to  do  that  trick." 

"  Very  well.  You  stand  in  a  chair  directly  under  that 
hole,  with  this  punch-bowl  on  your  head.  I  will  fling  this 
bottle  of  wine,  and  knock  the  bowl  in  pieces.  I  will  give 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  211 

you  eleven  hundred  dollars.  With  nine  hundred  you 
shall  buy  yourself,  and  to-morrow  you  may  walk  off  as  free 
a  man  as  treads  under  the  cope  of  heaven,  with  two  hund- 
red dollars  in  your  pocket.  "Will  you  do  it  ?" 

"Why,  Mass'  Prentiss,  I  do'no.  You  mout  miss  your 
aim,  you  know,  and  hit  me!  Then  where  would  this  nig- 
ger be  ?  I  think,  Mass'  Prentiss,  I'd  rather  not  do  it." 

"  There  you  have  it!"  exclaimed  Prentiss,  drawing  him- 
self up  to  his  full  height.  "  Here  is  a  slave  who  says  he 
wishes  to  be  free.  Yet  for  the  sake  of  his  freedom,  and  two 
hundred  dollars  in  cash  to  boot,  he  will  not  run  the  little 
risk  of  my  missing  my  aim.  That  shows  you  the  character 
of  the  race.  They  are  only  fit  to  be  slaves.  i  A  servant  of 
servants  shall  he  be  to  his  brethren.  Thus  it  was  in  the  be- 
ginniDg,  is  now,  and  shall  be  world  without  end !'  " 

Many  years  ago,  when  Prentiss  was  engaged  in  his  large 
practice  in  Mississippi,  he  and  his  friend,  Judge  Grohlson, 
were  on  the  circuit  in  some  of  the  eastern  counties  of  the 
state,  and  stopped  for  the  night  at  Hernando.  Late  at 
night  Prentiss  discovered  that  Judge  Gohlson  and  himself 
were  not  the  only  claimants  for  possession  of  the  bed,  as 
he  was  vigorously  beset  by  a  description  of  vermin  which 
do  not  make  very  comfortable  bed-fellows.  Accordingly 
he  awoke  Grohlson,  and  a  consultation  was  had  whether 
they  should  beat  a  retreat,  or  make  an  effort  to  extermi- 
nate their  assailants.  The  latter  course  was,  however, 
adopted,  and  for  this  purpose  they  took  from  their  saddle- 
bags a  brace  of  pistols,  with  caps,  powder,  and  other  mu- 
mitions  of  warfare.  With  pistol  in  hand,  they  proceeded 
to  raise  the  bed-clothing,  and  as  one  of  the  creeping  reptiles 
started  from  his  hiding-place,  "bang !  bang!"  would  go  the 
pistols.  This,  of  course,  aroused  and  alarmed  the  worthy 
landlord,  who  came  in  hot  haste  to  the  room,  and,  when  he 
learned  the  facts,  was  in  great  rage.  Prentiss  demanded  he 


212  '  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


should  leave  the  room,  claiming  that  he  was  only  "  exer- 
cising the  right  of  self-defense — the  right  which  the  law  of 
God  and  the  law  of  man  had  given  him."  Both  the  en- 
treaty and  the  threats  of  the  landlord  proved  unavailing. 
The  firing  continued  until  bed,  bedstead,  and  bedding  were 
completely  riddled  with  balls.  At  last  they  succeeded  in 
capturing  one  of  the  enemy,  when  a  difference  of  opinion 
arose  between  Prentiss  and  Judge  Gohlson  as  to  what 
should  be  his  fate.  At  length  it  was  agreed  that  the 
offending  vermin  should  be  "  fairly  and  impartially  tried 
by  a  jury  of  his  countrymen"  Three  of  the  landlord's  sons 
were  brought  in,  and  forced  to  sit  as  members  of  the  jury, 
and  a  third  lawyer  who  was  present  acted  as  judge.  The 
prisoner  was  then  pinned  to  the  wall.  Judge  Gohlson  (who 
was  a  very  able  lawyer)  opened  for  the  prosecution  in  a 
speech  of  two  hours  in  length.  Prentiss  followed  for  the 
defense  in  a  speech  of  four  hours.  There  were  those  pres- 
ent who  had  known  Prentiss  intimately,  and  had  heard  him 
on  great  occasions  of  his  life,  and  who  now  assert  that  this 
was  perhaps  the  most  brilliant  speech  he  ever  delivered. 


JUDGE  BRACKENRIDGE'S  RESCUE. 

Like  most  men  of  genius,  the  late  Judge  Brackenridge 
was  distinguished  by  many  striking  peculiarities.  He  chose 
to  do  every  thing  in  a  manner  to  please  himself,  without 
caring  for  the  observations  of  others.  When  he  resided  at 
Pittsburg  he  was  in  the  habit  of  going  every  morning 
during  the  summer  months  to  bathe  in  the  Alleghany,  and 
in  order  to  save  time  and  trouble  in  undressing,  he  walked 
to  the  river  with  no  other  habiliments  than  his  cloak  and 
slippers. 

One  of  those  votaries  of  humor  who  are  to  be  found  in 
almost  every  part  of  the  country  took  it  into  his  head  to 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  213 

have  a  little  fun  at  the  learned  gentleman's  expense,  and 
one  morning,  just  as  he  had  set  out  to  indulge  in  his  cus- 
tomary dip,  the  wag  hired  an  Irish  laborer  who  was  pass- 
ing by  to  keep  a  watch  on  the  "  unfortunate  gentleman," 
telling  Pat  that  he  was  a  little  out  of  his  head,  and  that  his 
friends  feared  he  intended  to  make  way  with  himself.  On 
walked  the  judge,  and,  close  after  his  heels,  his  newly -en- 
gaged keeper.  Off  goes  the  old  cloak,  and  just  as  the  sup- 
posed maniac  was  about  taking  the  fatal  plunge,  his  faith- 
ful guardian  seizes  him  firmly  by  the  arm,  exclaiming, 

"  Och,  not  so  fast,  my  gay  fellow  !  you  sha'n't  commit  so 
great  sin  this  time  if  Paddy  Malone  can  help  it." 

And  sticking  fast  to  the  wondering  eccentric,  he  replaced 
his  cloak  and  slippers,  and  led  him  in  safety  to  the  hotel, 
amid  the  merriment  of  half  the  people  in  the  borough,  who 
had  been  drawn  together  to  enjoy  the  fun. 


THE  "  TIDE   OF  PUBLIC  FEELING,"  AND  HOW  TO  CATCH  IT. 

Much  depends  in  court  upon  the  state  of  the  tide — the 
tide  of  public  feeling — and  in  spite  of  "  law  and  order,"  so 
long  as  jurors  are  men  of  like  passions  with  other  men, 
they  will  be  moved  as  the  people  are  moved.  There  was 
Fuller,  of  the  Boston  bar,  brother  of  the  late  Countess  Os- 
soli.  He  was  one  of  the  most  solemncholy-looking  men  in 
the  East,  appearing  for  all  the  world  as  if  he  never  had  any 
friends,  and  had  lost  them  all ;  but  under  this  gloomy  ex- 
terior he  carried  a  fund  of  humor  that  often  shone  out  in 
just  the  right  time  for  himself  and  his  cause.  On  one  oc- 
casion the  opposing  counsel  had  carried  every  thing  before 
him,  and  in  a  strain  of  pathetic  eloquence  that  could  not 
be  resisted  he  closed,  leaving  the  whole  jury  dissolved  in 
tears.  Fuller  saw  that  all  was  lost  unless  by  some  sudden 
turn  he  could  undo  the  mischief;  and  rising  to  reply,  put- 


214  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ting  on  his  most  doleful  expression,  he  said,  in  slow  and 
measured  words,  as  if  he  were  in  a  pulpit,  and  not  in  court, 

"  We — will — now — close — these — solemn — services — " 
But  by  this  time  the  humor  of  the  thing  was  seen  and  felt, 
and  court,  jury,  audience,  and  all,  laughed  till  they  cried 
again ;  but  they  were  now  all  on  the  other  side. 

Another  court  scene  in  New  York  City  some  years  ago, 
though  there  was  nothing  to  laugh  at,  will  never  be  forgot- 
ten by  those  who  were  present.  It  was  on  the  trial  of  Colt 
for  the  murder  of  Adams.  Interest  as  intense  as  ever 
marked  the  trial  of  any  man  hung  around  the  proceedings 
of  those  days.  The  theory  of  the  prosecution  was,  that 
Adams  was  shot  in  the  head  by  a  pistol  having  no  charge 
in  it,  and  that  a  percussion-cap  would  explode  with  suffi- 
cient force  to  drive  a  ball  into  a  man's  head,  without  mak- 
ing noise  enough  to  be  heard  in  the  next  room.  The  testi- 
mony against  the  prisoner  was  clear,  conclusive,  and  so 
deeply  impressive,  that  when  it  closed  the  court-room  was 
as  solemn  as  if  sentence  of  death  was  then  to  be  pro- 
nounced. The  first  witness  called  for  the  defense  was  Sam- 
uel Colt,  the  great  pistol  manufacturer,  who  was  asked  at 
once  if  it  were  possible  for  a  pistol  to  be  fired  with  only  a 
cap,  and  with  sufficient  force  to  discharge  a  ball  into  a 
man's  head  ? 

"  No,"  he  said,  promptly. 

"  Can  you  prove  it  ?"  asked  the  counsel. 

"  I  can  prove  it  by  experiment,"  he  said,  and  immediate- 
ly produced  a  case  of  pistols,  drove  in  a  ball,  placed  the  cap 
in  its  place,  fired  the  pistol,  and,  catching  the  ball  in  his 
hand  as  he  fired,  threw  it  to  the  counsel.  Then  he  set  up 
a  paper  mark  by  the  side  of  the  presiding  judge,  who 
moved  his  seat  to  be  a  little  more  out  of  the  range,  and  as 
counsel,  jury,  spectators,  and  the  bar  all  crowded  to  see  the 
result,  he  snapped  off  ball  after  ball,  every  shot  exciting 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  215 

more  and  more  ridicule  at  the  idea  that  any  harm  could 
be  done  by  such  a  discharge.  The  theory  of  the  prosecu- 
tion was  effectually  exploded,  and  the  court-room,  which  an 
hour  ago  was  as  solemn  as  the  Court  of  Death,  was  convert- 
ed into  a  shooting-gallery. 

Something  must  be  done  to  recover  the  ground  that  was 
lost.  The  prosecution  was  led  by  Mr.  Whiting,  the  district 
attorney,  and  no  one  was  sooner  satisfied  than  he  that  he 
was  mistaken  as  to  the  mode  in  which  the  murder  had  been 
perpetrated.  Instantly  his  ready  mind  seized  upon  the 
most  startling  expedient  to  restore  the  feeling  of  deep  so- 
lemnity which  had  been  disturbed,  and  at  the  same  time  to 
get  upon  the  track  to  ascertain  the  nature  of  the  wound  by 
which  Adams  was  killed.  The  body  of  the  victim,  cut 
into  pieces  as  it  was  by  the  murderer,  had  been  buried  in 
the  upper  part  of  the  city,  and  Mr.  Whiting  dispatched  an 
officer,  who  soon  returned  with  a  bundle,  and  unrolling  it, 
the  district  attorney  presented  the  head  of  the  murdered 
man  to  the  court  and  jury!  A  thrill  of  horror  passed 
through  the  crowded  chamber.  For  the  first  time  during 
the  trial  the  prisoner  buried  his  face  and  groaned.  The 
wound  was  then  displayed,  and  the  fact  exhibited  that  it 
could  not  have  been  produced  by  a  pistol  ball,  but  must 
have  been  made  by  the  blow  of  a  hammer.  This  new 
theory  was  pressed  forward ;  the  awful  impression  of  the 
ghastly  head  was  never  obliterated,  and  the  result  is  known 
to  the  world. 


AN  AMERICAN  RIVAL  TO   CURRAN. 

Curran's  witticism  in  furnishing  the  motto  "Quid  rides'1 
for  the  carriage  of  a  rich  tobacconist  was  equaled — to  our 
mind  surpassed — by  one  from  S.  H.  Hammond,  formerly 
District  Attorney  of  Albany  County,  New  York.  In  the 


216  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


city  of  Albany,  where  the  court  is  held,  there  used  to  be  in 
the  Circuit  Court  a  venerable  old  crier,  who  had  held  the 
office  for  many  years,  and  was  a  universal  favorite  with  the 
bar.  He  was  always  courteous  and  obliging,  and  among 
his  voluntary  ex  officio  duties  was  that  of  supplying  the 
lawyers  with  tobacco  out  of  a  well-filled  box  which  he  al- 
ways carried.  When  S.  H.  Hammond  closed  his  last  term 
as  district  attorney  in  Albany  County,  as  an  acknowledg- 
ment of  the  kindly  services  of  the  ancient  crier,  he  present- 
ed him  with  an  elegant  silver  tobacco-box,  on  which  was 
engraven  this  motto: 

"  Quid  pro  quo" 

Mr.  Hammond  was  once  trying  a  case  before  Judge  Ba- 
con, of  the  Fifth  Judicial  District  (New  York),  and  in  ques- 
tioning a  witness  named  Gunn,  said  to  him  when  he  had 
finished  his  examination, 

"  Mr.  Gunn,  you  can  go  off." 

Judge  Bacon  saw  the  pun,  and  quickly  added, 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Gunn,  you  are  discharged." 

Of  course  there  was  an  explosion  in  court. 


ANECDOTES   OF   A.  OAKEY   HALL. 

A.  Oakey  Hall,  having  been  connected  with  all  the  causes 
celebres  of  New  York  city  for  fifteen  years  (mainly  on  the 
side  of  prosecution  as  district  attorney),  has  become  through 
the  metropolitan  press  well  known  to  the  nation  at  large. 
James  T.  Brady  and  himself  are  well  recognized  as  the  wit- 
ty duo  of  the  New  York  bar,  and  a  trial  is  never  so  "tak- 
ing" as  when  both  of  them  appear  in  it. 

Mr.  Hall's  fun  lies  almost  more  in  his  manner  than  in 
his  matter.  He  is  capable,  when  saying  his  best  things, 
of  assuming  those  imperturbable,  or  solemn,  or  apparent- 
ly innocent  expressions  of  face  that  generally  add  so 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  217 

much,  by  contrast,  to  the  point  of  jokes  and  the  sparkle 
of  repartee. 


At  Oakey  Hall's  election  in  1866  he  received  an  enor- 
mous majority — nearly  forty  thousand.  An  acquaintance, 
expressing  his  surprise  thereat  to  the  candidate,  was  an- 
swered with  a  grim  shrug,  "  Few  persons  have  so  many 
tried  friends  as  I  have,  and  tried  friends  are  always  mag- 
nanimous." 

At  the  same  election  an  enthusiastic  Radical  was  found 


218  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


going  from  one  voting  district  to  another  arm  in  arm  with 
a  negro  voter  possessed  of  the  property  qualification. 

"What  do  you  think  of  the  spectacle?"  asked  a  disgust- 
ed Democrat  of  Oakey  Hall. 

"  It  is  political  day  and  night  that,  in  passing  from  pole 
to  pole,  meet  on  the  equating  line." 

Mr.  Hall  was  a  student  at  Cambridge  Law  School  during 
the  professorship  of  Judge  Story  and  Simon  Greenleaf,  the 
author  of  the  great  text-book  on  Evidence.  He  has  writ- 
ten for  William  Story's  life  of  the  great  jurist  some  witty 
reminiscences  of  it — to  be  found  in  vol.  ii.,  p.  503.  While 
at  the  school  a  new  building  was  finished,  and  at  a  petite 
souper  given  by  some  of  the  fledgeling  lawyers,  he  offered 
the  following  epigram : 

"A  magnificent  temple  of  law, 
Albeit  with  only  one  Story, 
Whose  '  prudence'  with  'jury's'  th'  eclat 
Of  the  Hub-Bar  so  proud  of  its  glory. 
"Pis  a  Temple  that  '  Evidence'  gives 
To  the  student  who  loveth  history ; 
How  fittingly  Fame's  laurel  climbs 
Its  Green  leaf  to  the  height  of  one  Story. 

From  Cambridge  Oakey  Hall  went  to  New  Orleans,  by 
advice  of  Judge  Story,  to  pass  a  year  or  two  studying  civil 
law.  He  was  a  student  in  the  offices  of  Slidell  and  Ben- 
jamin. Here,  as  he  often  said,  he  learned  the  law  of  cession 
(a  civil  law  phrase),  but  not  that  of  secession,  which  after- 
events  showed  that  his  preceptors  knew  so  well.  He  was 
listening  to  a  suit  brought  to  enforce  a  claim  against  Jacob 
Barker,  who  was  defending  in  proprid  persona.  The  old 
banker-lawyer  made  a  characteristically  egotistic  speech, 
and,  among  other  things,  said :  "  Let  me  tell  this  court  that 
I  have  been  a  creditor  of  the  government  in  a  time  of  great 
emergency ;  the  sails  of  my  ships  have  whitened  every  sea ; 
my  bills  of  exchange  have  gone  to  every  part  of  the  world, 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  219 

and  my  name  has  been  honorably  bandied  on  the  Koyal 
Exchange  of  London,  in  the  Great  Exchange  of  St.  Peters- 
burg, and  in  the  Babel  of  Calcutta.  I  have  been  politician 
and  millionaire,  a  martyr,  and  a  pauper.  I  have  waded 
through  adversity,  and  weathered  financial  gales,  but  never 
despaired.  I  left  New  York  owing  hundreds  of  thousands, 
and  coming  here,  have  paid  off  every  cent.  Does  the  court 
think  I,  its  servant,  am  a  dog  to  do  such  a  thing  as  stand 
here  disputing  a  just  debt?" 

"  With  all  respect  to  my  senior,"  whispered  Hall,  on 
hearing  these  dogmatisms,  "  he  makes  me  remember  that 
a  dog  who  is  so  good  a  barker  is  nearly  always  a  bad 
biter." 

In  a  suit  of  Challeau  versus  Malard,  opposing  the  famous 
lawyer  John  E.  Grymes  (who  seldom  had  forbearance  to- 
ward an  adversary,  old  or  young),  Mr.  Hall  asked  him  his 
ideas  of  the  pending  proposition. 

"  Oh,  the  young  man  is  swimming  beyond  my  depth." 

"  That  is  because  your  logic,  for  this  time  only,  is  in 
'  Challeau'  water." 

Mr.  Hall  returned  home  to  New  York  in  1848,  and  was 
shortly  afterward  counsel  in  a  church  controversy — a  class 
of  disputes  usually  very  acrimonious.  His  opponent,  speak- 
ing of  the  argument  on  the  other  side,  averred  that  the  case 
was  "  all  ecclesiastical  schism  against  his  client,  to  which  his 
lawyer  had  added  solecism  of  logic." 

"  The  schism  is  now  on  your  side,"  was  the  repartee,  "if 
that  be  witticism !" 

In  the  celebrated  trial  of  Mrs.  Cunningham  for  the  mur- 
der of  Dr.  Burdell  (1857),  it  was  proven  for  defense,  to  show 
her  innocent  frame  of  mind,  that  on  the  morning  succeed- 
ing the  murder  (Sunday)  Mrs.  Cunningham  and  her  daugh- 
ters were  singing  hymns,  and  one  was  quoted  by  her  coun- 
sel. "  Mayhap,"  said  the  latter,  "  there  is  in  the  collection 


220  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


some  hymn  more  suitable  to  our  case,  but  I  have  been  un- 
able to  find  it." 

Alluding  to  which,  in  his  summing  up,  District  Attorney 
Hall  said  he  had  found  an  appropriate  one  for  the  other 
side  and  their  witnesses : 

"Hark  from  the  'Tombs'  a  doleful  sound, 

Mine  ears  attend  the  cry ! 
Ye  living  men,  come  view  the  ground 
Where  ye  must  shortly  lie" 

In  the  case  of  Lewis  Baker,  charged  with  the  homicide 
of  William  Poole,  the  pugilist,  it  appeared  that  George  Law 
had  lent  a  vessel  to  go  after  the  craft  in  which  Baker  had 
escaped.  He  was  captured  just  off  the  Canary  Isles. 

"An  outrageous  kidnapping,"  said  Horace  F.  Clark, 
Esq.,  one  of  Baker's  counsel,  "and  against  all  law." 

"  Not  so,  Brother  Clark,"  retorted  the  district  attorney, 
"for  the  capture  was  made  according  to  George  Law." 

Later,  in  the  same  case,  it  was  said  for  the  prisoner,  he 
was,  when  captured,  within  the  jurisdiction  of  the  Canaries. 

"And  we  propose  a  kindred  jurisdiction,"  said  the  pros- 
ecutor— "  that  of  Sing  Sing." 

During  the  trial  of  Dr.  Graham  for  the  homicide,  at  the 
St.  Nicholas  Hotel,  of  a  Colonel  Loring,  Judge  Robert  H. 
Morris  died.  The  court  took  a  recess,  during  which  eulo- 
gistic speeches  were  made  in  memory  of  the  deceased  offi- 
cer of  the  court.  An  ex-district  attorney,  who  was  remark- 
able for  mixing  up  his  illustrations,  closed  a  feeling  speech 
with  this  accidental  transposition :  "  He  has  gone  where 
the  weary  cease  from  troubling,  and  the  wicked  are  at 
rest." 

"Don't  blame  Brother  ,"  said  District  Attorney 

Hall  afterward;  "he  has  so  often  suffered  weariness  from 
others'  wickedness  that  he  has  insensibly  converted  the 
very  term  wicked." 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  22 1 

The  colloquies  at  nisi  prius  between  District  Attorney 
Hall  and  the  witnesses  are  sometimes  highly  amusing. 
But  he  is  often  overmatched  —  as  happened  when  (that 
most  dangerous  of  all  witnesses  to  handle)  a  shrewd  mid- 
dle-aged Hibernian  was  on  the  stand,  and  a  very  burly  one 
in  this  instance.  "  Were  you  not  once  sent  up  for  biga- 
my ?"  asked  the  prosecutor. 

"  Big  Amy  ?  begorra,  I  was  never  sent  up  for  any  Amy, 
big  or  little,  or  any  other  woman — " 

"  The  big  ami — able  witness  may  pass,"  was  the  retort. 

Like  most  humorists,  Mr.  Hall  has  great  command  of 
pathos,  and  is  quite  as  effective  in  infusing  that  characteris- 
tic into  his  oratory,  as  in  tincturing  it  with  the  pun,  the 
sarcastic  criticism,  or  the  repartee.  He  may  be  said  to  be 
perfect  master  of  cross-examination,  diplomatic  fence,  and 
persuasion  before  juries.  Much  of  his  success  therein  is 
due  to  his  extraordinary  imperturbability  of  face  and  man- 
ner, except  when  he  abandons  himself  to  the  emotional  ex- 
igencies of  his  addresses  to  bench  or  jury-box. 

In  a  civil  case  a  few  years  ago,  involving  a  critique  of 
inventions  new  and  old,  foreign  and  American,  Mr.  Hall, 
in  the  course  of  his  summing  up,  gave  the  following  uni- 
versal exposition  of  how  a  citizen  may  exercise  daily  life 
under  this  age  of  invention : 

"He  arouses  at  the  awakening  of  a  Yankee  alarm-clock,  to 
throw  open  the  outer  shutters  by  pressing  an  inner  spring. 
The  vapors  of  sleep  pleasantly  disappear  before  the  per- 
fumes which  chemical  skill  has  transplanted  from  a  score  of 
parterres  to  his  toilet-table.  Dentists  have  sent  him  a  coral 
reef  of  tooth-paste  for  his  sleep-parched  mouth ;  or,  if  he  be 
a  man  of  middle  age,  have  enabled  him  to  ring  the  bell, 
'  bidding  the  waiter  to  bring  him  a  fresh  auroplastic  mas- 
ticator.' Majestic  hair-brushes  electrify  his  ambrosial  locks. 
A  beard  of  hereditary  stubbornness  yields  to  the  seductive 


222  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


approaches  of  dainty  creams.  Pliant  bathing  utensils  invite 
the  ablutions  prized  of  '  gods  and  men.'  He  attires  himself 
in  linen,  glossy  from  patent  mangles,  smoothed  by  patent 
sad-irons,  and  buttoned  with  self-adjusting  clasps.  Anti- 
consumptive  suspenders  are  cased  beneath  a  vest  with  an 
elastic  back.  Seamless  slippers  have  coaxed  his  feet,  and 
a  gas  stove,  lighted  by  electricity,  has  warmed  his  dressing- 
room,  upon  a  raw  morning,  to  the  temperature  of  May. 

"Descending  to  the  breakfast-room,  the  Hebe  of  the 
apartment  has  taken  tlie  silver  from  the  ornamental  safe, 
and  spread  it  upon  the  magical  extension-table.  The  meal 
is  prepared.  Positively  the  very  newest  coffee-pot  has  sup- 
planted the  old  Parisian  toy.  The  butter  has  been  winner 
in  a  2.40  heat,  under  pressure  of  an  air-pressure  churn. 
Soapstone  warmers  embrace  the  Yankee  plates.  The  eggs 
for  the  omelette,  after  having  been  proved  in  the  detecter, 
or  oonoscope,  have  been  beaten  by  the  elliptic  whirligig ;  or 
they  were  poached  into  the  novel  drop,  and  are  to  be  eaten 
from  Columbian  glass,  that  need  not  blush  beside  Bohe- 
mian or  Yenetian.  Condensed  milk  has  amicably  mingled 
with  prepared  cocoa,  to  be  drank  from  cups  decorated  with- 
in a  mile  of  the  residence.  The  beafsteak  has  arisen  from 
its  procrustean  bed  of  late  invention.  The  bread  has  been 
kneaded  by  machinery,  and  baked  in  a  patent  oven. 
Steam  had  packed  the  flour-barrels  and  made  the  staves. 
Marvelous  mill -power  had  presided  at  the  grinding  and 
bolting.  The  grain  was  reaped,  and  threshed,  and  fanned 
by  three  varied  combinations  of  steam,  that  the  season  pre- 
vious, by  still  another  form,  had  puffed  through  furrows 
'over  the  hills  and  far  away.'  His  breakfast  over,  Betty 
usurps  with  the  patent  carpet-sweeper.  He  retires  to  a  li- 
brary easy-chair  that  would  have  comforted  a  martyr  fresh 
from,  the  inquisitorial  rack.  There  he  consults  the  Beau- 
mont barometer,  and  settles  down  to  read  a  newspaper 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  223 

sheet  whose  fabric,  a  week  before,  was  of  cellar  ropes,  and 
which,  while  he  was  that  morning  playing  the  part  of  the 
Proverb -sluggard,  had  been  born  in  one  hour,  with  ten 
thousand  brethren,  over  the  Hoe  press. 

"Soon,  preparing  for  the  rainy  day,  he  buttons  about 
him  an  India-rubber  coat.  Adjusting  his  gutta-percha 
soles,  he  walks  noiselessly  through  his  hall  of  Vermont  tile, 
with  the  walls  white  from  new  applications  of  the  lique- 
fied quartz,  to  turn  the  safety-lock  of  the  front  door  that 
is  closed  by  operation  of  an  invisible  spring ;  or  he  enters 
his  Concord  buggy,  pulling  over  his  knees  the  lap  robe 
that  successfully  imitates  the  skin  of  the  leopard,  to  be 
driven  over  streets  that  a  combination  of  mechanical  skill 
has  swept  over-night;  or  he  hails  the  omnibus  with  the 
patent  step,  or  beckons  to  the  car  with  the  last  ventilation 
and  passenger  '  registration,'  that  passengers  of  all  politics 
agree  to  be  perfectly  constitutional. 

"Arrived  at  his  place  of  business,  anew  stove  glows  hon- 
est welcome  in  his  office  (and,  thanks  to  the  new  ash-sifter, 
no  gaseous  vapors).  Paper  weights,  poetical  with  art-trac- 
ery, confine  the  morning's  mail  of  epistles,  covered  by  ad- 
hesive envelopes  of  the  invisible  ruling.  His  penmanship 
is  confused  with  the  stock  of  patent  pens,  and  patent  pen- 
cils, and  patent  inkstands.  As  the  correspondence  is  an- 
swered, a  copying-press  preserves  it  for  after-years  of  refer- 
ence, and  the  epistle  from  abroad  sleeps  between  the  sheets 
of  the  gum-arabic  letter-book.  His  ledgers,  ruled  by  ma- 
chinery, invite  his  inspection  with  their  flexible  backs. 
Payments  enter  the  money-drawer  in  bills,  whose  colorable 
devices  laugh  the  counterfeiter's  arts  to  scorn.  Seated  in 
rotatory  office-chairs,  he  holds  electrical  converse  with  dis- 
tant correspondents  over  the  exchanges  of  a  dozen  cities. 

"  Walking  homeward  to  the  dinner,  he  hears  a  cry  of  fire. 
He  laughs  as  he  thinks  of  the  steam-engine  on  the  next 


224  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


block,  and  thinks  he  will  get  up  a  new  insurance  company, 
by  way  of  relaxation.  Relaxation  and  fire  bring  thoughts 
of  the  juveniles  at  home,  and  of  the  promised  presents;  so, 
entering  some  'National  Bazar  J  he  heaves  a  sigh  over  the 
toy-barrenness  of  his  boyhood,  and  grows  distracted  amid 
the  philosophical  trinkets.  He  enters  the  domestic  circle, 
to  hear  the  grateful  music  of  the  sewing-machine,  over 
whose  purchase  were  held  thirty  family  councils— Corre- 
sponding to  the  numeral  choice.  Beside  it  sits  grandmam- 
ma, with  new  periscopic  spectacles,  investigating  the  myster- 
ies of  a  knitting-machine.  In  the  corner  '  Tom'  is  reading, 
as  a  thing  of  the  past,  Thomas  Hood's  Song  of  the  Shirt ! 
Not  far  off,  a  daughter  forces  him.  to  acknowledge,  in  her 
quiet  delight,  that  since  the  United  States  government  have 
taken  up  the  proper  cudgels  of  morality,  no  home  is  com- 
plete without  the  stereoscope.  Wifely  whispers  are  heard 
concerning  incredible  discoveries  in  the  outskirts  of  fash- 
ion amid  crinoline  labyrinths,  or  asking  for  the  new  slate 
globes  and  the  patent  orrery  for  the  school-room. 

But,  hark!  the  dinner-bell;  not  that  Fejee  tomtom  of 
the  last  century,  but  one  like  lovers'  tongues  at  night,  sil- 
ver sweet  It  summons  the  household  to  a  meal  whose 
aroma  of  food  is  caught  by  patent  process  over  the  new 
range — to  a  meal  where  vegetables  (can-preserved)  mock 
the  season — to  a  board  where  India-rubber  knife-handles 
and  gutta-percha  napkin-rings  defy  their  juvenile  owner's 
habits  of  slovenliness — to  the  buffet  where  Yankee  or  West- 
ern wine  is  to  be  drank  from  bottles  corked  by  machinery 
— to  a  meal  where  the  flies,  still  buzzing  in  the  temperate 
zone  of  the  dining-room,  enter,  one  by  one,  the  basket  of 
the  clock-work  guillotine  on  the  mantle. 

"  When  the  meal  is  finished,  he  retires  to  a  game  of  bil- 
liards on  a  Yankee  table,  with  the  new  billiard  register 
presiding  over  patent  cues  and  maces. 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO CA  TES.  225 

"  Taking  a  last  look  before  bedtime  at  the  favorite  pan- 
try, no  more  inhabited  by  the  house-beetles  that  once  pour- 
ed forth,  like  an  army  of  household  Goths  and  hearth-stone 
Huns,  to  vandalize  the  larder,  he  places  on  the  doors  the 
burglar  guard  and  examines  his  patent  pistol.  Soon,  on  an 
elliptic  or  hydrostatic  mattress,  beneath  a  flexible  canopy, 
in  a  bedstead  scrolled  by  machinery  and  carved  by  steam, 
he  falls  to  sleep,  to  awaken  again  to  some  new  daily  won- 
der." 


A  SMART  LAWYER  AND  A  STUPID  JUDGE. 

James  T.  Brown,  of  Greensburg,  Indiana,  a  smart  and 
saucy  lawyer,  was  once  employed  to  defend  a  case  before 
the  Circuit  Court  of  his  state.  The  judge  was  not  very 
learned  in  technicalities,  knew  but  little  Latin,  and  much 
less  Greek.  The  jury  were  taken  from  the  country,  ordi- 
nary farmers.  The  plaintiff's  counsel  had  opened.  Brown 
rose  and  spoke  two  hours  in  the  highest  possible  style, 
soaring  aloft,  repeating  Latin  and  translating  Greek,  using 
all  the  technical  terms  he  could  bring  to  the  end  of  his 
tongue.  The  jury  sat  with  their  mouths  open,  the  judge 
looked  on  with  amazement,  and  the  lawyers  laughed  aloud. 
Brown  closed;  the  case  was  submitted  to  the  jury  without 
one  word  of  reply.  Verdict  in  the  box  against  Brown ; 
motion  for  a  new  trial.  In  the  morning  Brown  rose  and 
bowed  to  the  court : 

"May  it  please  your  honors,  I  humbly  rise  this  morning 
to  move  for  a  new  trial  j  not  on  my  own  account ;  I  richly 
deserve  the  verdict,  but  on  behalf  of  my  client,  who  is  an 
innocent  party  in  this  matter.  On  yesterday  I  gave  wings 
to  my  imagination,  and  rose  above  the  stars  in  a  blaze  of 
glory.  I  saw  at  the  time  that  it  was  all  Greek  and  turkey- 
tracks  to  you  and  the  jury.  This  morning  I  feel  humble, 

P 


226  BENCH  AND  BAIL 


and  I  promise  the  court,  if  they  will  grant  me  a  new  trial, 
I  will  bring  myself  down  to  the  comprehension  of  the  court 
and  jury." 

The  Judge.  "  Motion  overruled,  and  a  fine  of  five  dollars 
against  Mr.  Brown  for  contempt  of  court" 

"For  what?" 

"  For  insinuating  that  this  court  don't  know  Latin  and 
Greek  from  turkey-tracks." 

"  I  shall  not  appeal  from  that  decision.  Your  honor  has 
comprehended  me  this  time." 

On  another  occasion,  before  a  circuit  judge  of  the  same 
state,  Mr.  Brown  appeared  for  the  defendant,  demurred  to 
the  sufficiency  of  the  declaration,  and  made  a  short  but 
very  pointed  argument.  The  judge,  a  very  stupid  speci- 
men of  his  class,  waking  up  in  the  midst  of  the  argument, 
interrupted  him,  and  asked  what  the  pint  was  that  he  was 
driving  at.  Mr.  Brown  hesitated  a  moment,  and  very  de- 
liberately replied, 

"  If  the  court  please,  I  am  about  to  illustrate  it  by  dia- 
grams, and  I  hope  to  make  it  so  plain  that  it  will  be  com- 
prehended by  all  the  audience,  and  perhaps  I  may  bring  it 
even  within  the  comprehension  of  the  court." 

Mr.  Brown  then  proceeded,  and  brought  his  speech  to  a 
close ;  but  it  is  almost  needless  to  say  that  Judge  Dogberry 
decided  against  his  motion. 


A  FATHER'S  RECOMMENDATION  OF  HIS  SON. 

Judge  Underwood,  of  Georgia,  had  a  supreme  contempt 
for  fops.  A  dandy  remarked  of  a  gentlemanly  planter 
who  was  passing  that  it  would  be  a  fine  speculation  to  buy 
that  man  for  what  he  was  worth,  and  sell  him  for  what  he 
thought  he  was  worth. 

"Well,"  says  the  judge,  "I  have  often  seen  men  selling 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  227 

jackasses,  but  this  is  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  of  a  jackass 
offering  to  sell  a  gentleman." 

The  judge  was  a  stanch  Clay  Whig,  but  his  son,  J.  W. 
H.  Underwood,  was  continually  changing  his  politics.  A 
friend  asked,  "  What  are  John's  politics  ?" 

"Really,"  said  the  judge,  "I  can't  tell  you;  I  haven't 
seen  the  boy  since  breakfast." 

John  applied  to  the  old  gentleman  for  a  letter  of  recom- 
mendation to  his  friend,  then  Governor  Crawford,  of  Geor- 
gia. It  was  immediately  given,  and,  sure  of  his  game, 
John  put  off  to  Milledgeville ;  but  knowing  his  father's  ec- 
centricities, he  thought  it  prudent  to  open  his  credentials 
before  presenting  them,  and,  to  his  astonishment,  he  read 
the  following : 

"  MY  DEAR  FRIEND, — This  will  be  handed  to  you  by  my 
son  John.  He  has  the  greatest  thirst  for  an  office,  with  the 
least  capacity  to  fill  one,  of  any  boy  you  ever  saw. 

"  Yours  truly,  WILLIAM  H.  UNDERWOOD." 

But  John  has  since  falsified  the  old  gentleman's  opinion 
by  proving  himself  a  shrewd  politician  and  a  first-rate  law- 
yer. 

The  judge  was  once  holding  court  in  the  Cherokee  Dis- 
trict, when  log-houses  were  the  only  dwellings,  and  things 
generally  were  in  a  state  of  nature.  It  was  in  the  fall, 
when  chestnuts  and  chincapins  were  in  abundance;  the 
lawyers,  witnesses, jurors,  spectators,  constables,  everybody 
were  eating  them  in  court  and  out.  The  judge  wished  to 
maintain  something  like  decency  in  court,  and  tired  of  the 
ceaseless  crack,  crack  that  smote  his  ears,  he  at  last  wa"s 
provoked  to  say, "  Gentlemen,  I  am  glad  to  see  you  all  with 
such  wonderful  appetites.  There  is  certainly  no  danger  of 
starvation  so  long  as  the  chestnuts  and  chincapins  last.  I 
have,  however,  one  request  to  make  of  those  who  compose 


228  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


the  juries.  I  am  unable,  in  the  present  condition  of  affairs, 
to  distinguish  one  body  from  the  other.  I  must  therefore 
beg  the  grand  jurors  to  confine  themselves  to  chestnuts, 
and  the  petit  jurors  to  chincapins!" 

Some  years  ago  Judge  Underwood  was  employed  in  a 
lawsuit  at  Borne,  in  Georgia.  General  Jones,  a  good  law- 
yer and  an  aspiring  politician,  was  opposed  to  him  in  the 
case.  The  general  had  lately  changed  his  politics,  to  the 
great  astonishment  of  his  friends,  of  whom  the  judge  had 
been  one.  In  the  progress  of  the  trial  Judge  Underwood 
was  examining  an  old-woman  witness,  who  became  turbu- 
lent and  unruly,  gesticulating  violently,  and,  in  flourishing 
her  long,  bony  arms  about,  threatened  to  hit  the  judge's 
head,  to  the  danger  of  the  thatch  thereon. 

"Take  care  of  your  wig — take  care  of  your  wig,  judge!" 
said  General  Jones. 

Thinking  that  his  wig  was  really  out  of  place,  and  that 
his  opponent  was  making  fun  at  his  expense,  the  judge 
turned  upon  him,  and  retorted, 

"  Well,  General  Jones,  this  is  a  free  country,  and  I  think 
a  man  has  as  good  a  right  to  change  his  hair  as  his  poli- 
tics." 

The  judge  had  a  great  dislike  to  the  town  of  Marietta, 
Georgia,  where  he  occasionally  held  court.  Some  years 
before  his  death,  while  presiding  as  judge  in  the  court  at 
Marietta,  in  conversation  with  General  Hamsell,  a  resident 
of  the  town,  he  remarked, 

"  General,  when  my  time  cornes,  I  am  coming  to  Marietta 
to  die." 

"  Ah !"  replied  the  general,  "  I'm  glad  you  think  so  much 
of  our  little  town." 

"It  is  not  that,"  replied  the  judge.  "It's  because  I  can 
leave  it  with  less  regret  than  any  other  place  on  the  face  of 
the  earth." 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  229 

Singularly  enough,  he  did  die  there  eventually.  He  ar- 
rived on  the  train  about  twelve  o'clock,  was  taken  sud- 
denly ill  about  one,  and  in  half  an  hour  was  dead. 


THE   ECCENTRIC  JUDGE   MARTIN,  OF  MARYLAND. 

Judge  Martin,  of  Maryland,  one  of  the  counsel  of  Aaron 
Burr  in  his  trial  for  treason,  was  very  fond  of  music,  but 
could  not  distinguish  one  tune  from  another.  Having 
made  himself  very  unpopular  by  his  defense  of  Burr,  a 
crowd  surrounded  his  house  with  a  band  of  music,  playing 
the  Rogue's  March.  The  old  gentleman  took  it  as  a  com- 
pliment, walked  to  the  front,  and  thanked  them  politely  for 
their  music.  Not  expecting  such  a  reception,  the  mob 
stared  and  moved  on,  and  his  family,  who  were  much  terri- 
fied, gave  him  a  hint  to  slip'away  from  the  door. 

He  was  in  the  habit  of  reading  the  newspapers  on  his 
way  home  of  an  afternoon,  often  becoming  so  absorbed  that 
he  would  go  past  his  own  door;  then  he  would  look  up 
and  say,  "  Bless  me,  I  have  passed  the  house !"  and,  re- 
suming his  reading,  would  perhaps  go  as  far  on  the  other 
side,  to  the  extreme  amusement  of  the  juveniles  of  the 
neighborhood,  who  reported  that  he  once  stumbled  against 
a  cow,  took  off  his  hat,  and  bowing,  said,  "  I  beg  your  par- 
don, madam  !"  without  discovering  his  mistake. 


SURGERY  VERSUS  THE  LAW. 

Colonel  Stone,  a  practicing  lawyer,  and  Doctor  Mason,  a 
practicing  physician,  were  rival  candidates  for  the  Senate, 
and  were  stumping  the  district  together.  Dr.  Mason  was  a 
warm  advocate  for  law  reform,  and,  in  arguing  its  necessity, 
he  referred  to  a  certain  case  in  which  his  competitor  had 
been  nonsuited  upon  some  technicality. 


230  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"  Now,"  said  Dr.  Mason,  "  we  need  to  have  the  law  re- 
formed, or  Colonel  Stone  is  incompetent  to  bring  a  suit  cor- 
rectly— he  can  take  either  horn  of  the  dilemma." 

Colonel  Stone  replied, 

"Fellow-citizens,  the  doctor  has  the  advantage  of  me. 
When  I  make  a  mistake  in  my  profession  he  has  only  to 
go  to  the  records  of  the  court,  and  find  it  and  publish  it  to 
the  world ;  but  when  he  makes  a  mistake  in  his  profession 
he  buries  it  six  feet  under  ground !" 

The  people  appreciated  the  lawyer's  ready  wit,  and  for- 
gave him  the  blunder  charged  upon  him  for  the  sake  of  the 
clever  retort  he  made  at  the  doctor's  expense. 


REMINISCENCES  OF  CHARLES  O'CONOR. 

To  perfect  the  portraiture  of  Mr.  O'Conor  the  reader 
must  imagine  a  compact  and  erect  figure  of  commanding 
height,  clad  in  an  unvarying  suit  of  black;  he  must  en- 
dow the  eye  with  an  expression  of  keenness,  and  light 
up  the  face  with  intellectual  fire ;  he  must  assume  the 
grayness  of  hair  and  whisker  as  the  result  rather  of  excess- 
ive mental  toil  than  as  a  concomitant  of  age ;  he  must  be 
informed  that  the  countenance  can  one  moment  express 
powerful  scorn  or  indignation,  and  at  the  next  relax  itself 
to  a  mould  of  humor  or  sympathy.  And  then  the  reader, 
by  the  aid  of  the  engraving,  will  be  presented  to  one  of  the 
first  lawyers  in  the  United  States. 

Mr.  O'Conor  is  a  consummate  pleader,  and  is  skilled 
in  all  the  abstruse  branches  of  law.  Those  who  best 
know  him  say  he  could  rise  to-morrow  in  Westminster 
Hall,  or  before  the  master  of  the  rolls,  and  argue  any  point 
which  the  brief  of  attorney  or  solicitor,  then  and  there 
placed  in  his  hand,  might  call  up.  The  doctrines  of  wills, 
powers,  uses,  and  trusts  are  to  him  household  words.  Nev- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES. 


231 


ertheless,  in  the  trade  of  law,  as  well  as  in  its  profession,  is 
he  a  proficient.  The  tact  toward  judge,  jury,  and  witness — 
the  play  with  human  nature — the  fence  with  an  adversary 
— -the  coolness  of  a  repartee — the  sangfroid  of  cross-exam- 


ination— the  adroit  turn  of  a  position — the  dissembling  of  a 
fear — the  catch  of  confidence — the  wile  of  diplomacy — the 
momentary  harangue  (not  at  all  misplaced,  never  wordy, 
keenly  put  and  appropriately  dropped) — the  argumentum 


232  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ad  hominem — the  "knacky"  quotation — the  ingenious  di- 
agnosis of  motive — the  dissection  of  evidence — the  pungent 
application  of  proof — all  these,  which  are  the  tools  of  the 
nisi  prius  advocate,  he  wields  with  dexterity. 

His  powers  as  a  dialectician  are  remarkable.  Logic  per- 
vades even  in  his  repartee,  for  which  he  is  noted.  Woe  to 
the  interrupter  in  the  unguarded  moment !  Even  his  epi- 
thets are  rather  deductive  than  in  the  nature  of  plain  as- 
sertion. Mr.  O'Conor's  speeches,  when  stenographed,  read 
like  review  articles — apt  words  and  consecutive  arguments 
being  all  there.  It  is  so  with  his  conversation.  His  diction 
is  elegant  as  well  as  forcible,  and  his  expressions  are  par- 
ticularly crispy  and  original,  without  ever  being  outre. 

If  eloquence  consists  in  meaningless  metaphor,  turgid 
sentences,  rapid  utterance,  swollen  veins,  trick  of  voice,  and 
dramatic  gesture,  then  Charles  O'Conor  never  had  it.  But 
if  there  practically  survives  to  modern  age  the  idea  of  Tully 
— optimus  est  orator  qui  dicendo  animos  audientium  et  docet 
et  delectat  etpermovet — then  the  addresses  of  Mr.  O'Conor  to 
jury  and  judges  are  worthy  of  all  eloquent  attributes.  His 
voice  is  not  so  flexible  as  many  could  wish,  nor  his  tone  so 
various  as  some  desire,  but  his  matter  is  so  superlatively 
excellent  that  there  is  no  room  for  regret. 

He  seems  to  be  wanting  in  what  the  world  calls  ambition, 
and  perhaps  in  professional  emulation  per  se.  But,  phreno- 
logically  speaking,  his  concentrativeness  and  combativeness 
are  large.  As  a  man,  his  word  is  a  bond.  With  his  name 
(as  a  friend  has  wittily  remarked)  there  is  but  one  rhyme 
— honor.  His  generosities  are  proverbial,  and  if  it  were 
delicate  to  lift  the  veil  of  private  confidence,  would  prove 
bright  exemplars,  like  "all  good  deeds  in  a  naughty 
world."  Toward  the  young  he  is  exceedingly  gracious, 
especially  to  the  junior  acquaintances  of  his  profession. 
At  times  there  is  a  flush  of  ancient  querulousness  (relic  of 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  233 

the  recluse  student-life)  in  his  way  of  business,  but  it  is 
only  short-lived. 

A  lawyer  from  the  country  once  entered  the  Court  of 
Appeals  while  Daniel  Lord,  Jr.,  of  New  York,  was  arguing 
a  case,  and  inquired  of  Mr.  O'Conor,  who  was  sitting  near 
by,  "who  that  was  addressing  the  court?"  Mr.  O'Conor, 
whose  feelings  must  have  been  nettled  by  the  progress  of 
the  argument,  replied, 

"That  is  Daniel  Lord,  e/r.,  and  he  puts  the  junior  after 
his  name  so  he  may  not  be  mistaken  for  the  Almighty." 


A  COUNSEL  TO  WEEP   OVER. 

General  Boot  and  Samuel  Sherwood  were  rival  lawyers 
at  Delhi  many  years  ago,  and  often  were  opposed  in  the 
trial  of  causes ;  but  in  one  cause  General  Root  brought  a 
suit  for  slander  in  his  own  behalf,  and,  like  an  able  poli- 
tician as  he  was,  he  concluded  to  silence  the  enemy  he  most 
feared  by  engaging  his  great  adversary  as  counsel  to  try 
his  cause  at  the  circuit.  Sherwood  engaged  in  the  case 
with  his  usual  zeal,  and  with  all  his  power  and  eloquence ; 
and  in  portraying  the  sufferings  of  his  client,  even  exceed- 
ed himself.  General  Root,  the  client,  sat  beside  him  as  he 
closed  his  argument,  and  his  counsel  displayed  his  wrongs 
with  such  pathos  that  Root  was  apparently  overwhelmed 
with  the  picture,  and  the  tears  streamed  down  his  rough 
face. 

The  jury  found  a  heavy  verdict  in  favor  of  the  general. 
In  the  next  cause  tried  the  two  were  opposing  counsel,  and, 
as  usual,  waged  their  bitter  warfare  of  wit  and  invective. 
In  the  midst  of  Sherwood's  closing  argument  Root  flung  at 
his  rival  some  taunt  more  savage  than  ever,  when  Sher- 
wood, stung  by  the  shaft,  suddenly  turning  on  him,  called 
out,  "  Hadn't  you  better  cry  a  little,  as  you  did  in  the  last 
cause  ?"  Root  bawled  out, 


234  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"It  would  make  anybody  cry  to  have  such  a  counsel  as 
I  had." 

The  court-house  was  instantly  in  roars  of  tumult  and 
laughter,  and  Sam  took  his  seat. 


SCRATCHING  OUT  AN  ITCHING  WITNESS. 

The  late  Judge  Oakley,  a  name  held  in  reverence  by  the 
Bench  and  Bar  of  New  York,  was  rigid  in  requiring  the  at- 
tendance of  persons  summoned  as  jurors.  Excuses,  unless 
very  good,  were  of  no  avail.  On  one  occasion  several 
whose  names  had  been  called  stood  before  the  bench,  "  and 
they  all  with  one  accord  began  to  make  excuse."  Among 
them  was  an  insignificant,  frowsy-looking  little  fellow,  who 
said, 

"Judge,  I  wish  you'd  let  me  off." 

"For  what  reason?"  inquired  his  honor. 

"Well,  judge,  I  don't  want  to  say." 

"  You  must  say  or  serve." 

"But,  judge,  I  don't  think  the  other  jurors  would  like  to 
have  me  serve  with  them." 

"Why  not?  out  with  it!" 

"  Well,  judge"  (pausing). 

"  Go  on !" 

"I'vegottheiM/" 

"  Mr.  Clerk,  scratch  that  man  out !"  was  the  prompt  order 
of  his  honor,  and  the  party  left  the  presence. 


ANECDOTE   OF  HON.  S.  S.  COX. 

A  valiant  non-commissioned  officer,  who  left  a  fair  por- 
tion of  his  "  corporal"  frame  at  Gettysburg,  came  to  New 
York  in  1866,  hoping  to  obtain  some  employment  by  which 
he  could  support  self  and  wife.  He  was  well  known  to 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  235 

Hon.  S.  S.  Cox,  to  whom  he  applied,  and  who  procured  for 
him  a  situation  to  look  after  the  interest  of  the  Revenue 
Department  in  a  distillery  that  had  been  seized  by  the  rev- 
enue officers,  and  in  which  the  pay  depended  on  the  seiz- 
ures made  for  "illicit  distilling."  The  distillers  happened 
to  be  honest,  or  very  cautious,  and  no  seizures  were  made 
— consequently  no  pay  was  forthcoming;  so  the  valiant 
"  non-com"  had  to  apply  to  Mr.  Cox  again  for  aid. 

"  Do  you  not  like  your  place  ?"  asked  Mr.  Cox. 

"Oh!  very  well.  «There  is  nothing  to  do,  but,  unfor- 
tunately, I  get  nothing  for  doing  it.  You  know,  where 
there  are  no  seizures  there  is  no  pay." 

"Oh,  I  see!"  exclaimed  Cox;  "aut  seizure  (Ccesar)  aut 
nildV 


EEMINISCENCES  OF   CHANCELLOR  BIBB. 

The  late  Chancellor  Bibb  was  one  of  the  most  eccentric 
judges  we  have  ever  had.  He  was  known  in  Washington 
in  1858-'59,just  before  his  death,  as  "the  last  of  the  small- 
clothes," from  the  fact  that  he  refused,  at  the  dictates  of 
fashion,  to  abandon  the  dress  and  customs  of  his  early  days, 
encase  his  legs  in  pantaloons,  abandon  his  knee  and  shoe- 
buckles,  and  drop  his  cue.  The  chancellor  never  gave 
up  his  broad-brimmed  hat,  his  fine  linen,  his  long  waistcoat, 
his  small-clothes,  his  black  silk  hose,  his  silver  shoe-buckles, 
or  his  snuff-box.  Like  Henry  Clay,  he  was  a  lover  of  the 
fragrant  titillating  nose-powder,  and  right  graciously  did  he 
dispense  it  on  every  hand.  Even  the  boys  would  often 
stop  him  in  the  streets  with  "  Give  us  a  pinch  of  snuff, 
please  ?"  and  the  chancellor,  with  an  air  that  would  have 
been  admired  at  the  court  of  Louis  Quatorze,  would  at  once 
tender  the  snuff-box.  The  fingers  that  have  entered  that 
same  snuff-box  have  done  this  country  good  service  with  the 


BENCIf  AND  BAR. 


pen  and  with  the  sword.  Many  a  time  has  it  been  passed 
around  the  Senate  and  the  Supreme  Court,  nor  was  it  ever 
refused  by  President  or  foreign  diplomatist  Yet,  as  was 
well  said  of  his  prototype,  Chief  Justice  Marshall,  what 
would  have  been  ludicrous  in  another  became  in  him  more 
than  respectable;  it  absolutely  attracted  your  reverence. 
Unsightly  as  were  those  rusty  and  snuff-begrimed  "  tights," 


they  yet  became,  when  worn  by  the  chancellor,  a  kind  of 
ornament,  and  made  the  metropolis  prize  him  the  more,  as 
we  do  antique  coins  and  pictures  for  the  rust  and  smoke 
that  deface  them,  or  a  bottle  of  generous  old  wine  for  the 
dust  and  cobwebs  that  cover  it. 

It  was  near  the  close  of  his  senatorial  career  that  Judge 
Bibb  openly  avowed  himself  a  disciple  of  Izaak  Walton. 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO CA  TES.  237 

Indeed,  his  reputation  as  the  most  patient  and  unsuccessful 
angler  in  the  District  was  already  well  established.  A  bill 
was  before  the  Senate  regulating  executive  patronage,  and 
it  had  been  insinuated  by  the  opponents  of  the  administra- 
tion that  some  of  the  senators  whose  terms  of  office  were 
about  to  expire  would  be  recipients  of  Presidential  favors. 
"I  deny  this,"  said  the  judge,  at  the  conclusion  of  his 
speech,  "  so  far  as  I  am  concerned.  I  have  no  personal  ob- 
ject in  view.  I  have  no  ambition.  For  myself,  I  prefer  to 
sit  with  my  rod  and  line  on  the  banks  of  a  pellucid  stream, 
enjoying  the  pleasures  of  calmness  and  contemplation,  to 
any  objects  that  my  ambition  could  achieve."  Whatever 
were  his  fortunes  or  his  wants,  the  chancellor  always  found 
delight  in  "  casting  a  line,"  and  by  his  practice  fully  in- 
dorsed the  opinion  of  Sir  Henry  Wotton,  that  angling  was 
"  a  rest  to  his  mind,  a  cheerer  of  his  spirits,  a  diverter  of 
sadness,  and  a  procurer  of  contentedness."  Many  are  the 
good  stories  told  of  his  piscatorial  exploits,  and  he  used  to 
enjoy  hearing  them  himself,  albeit  he  would  sometimes  in- 
dorse them  rather  more  emphatically  than  piously.  It  was 
a  way  he  had  of  expressing  himself,  not  a  vice.  Here  is 
one  of  these  tales : 

On  one  warm  afternoon  the  officer  in  command  at  the 
Washington  Arsenal  observed  the  chancellor  sitting  on  a 
broken-down  wharf  hour  after  hour,  intently  watching  his 
float.  At  last  he  strolled  down  from  the  quarters  to  in- 
quire, "  What  luck  ?" 

"  None !"  replied  the  chancellor.  "  I  thought  I  had  some 
bites  two  or  three  hours  ago,  but  there  is  not  a  fish  here- 
abouts now  apparently,"  etc.,  etc. 

"  What  is  your  bait?"  asked  the  son  of  Mars. 

"  A  plump  young  frog,  hooked  through  the  fleshy  part 
of  his  leg,"  etc.,  etc. 

Scarcely  had  he  finished  this  reply  when  the  questioner 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


roared  with  laughter,  actually  rolling  on  the  grass,  and  un- 
able to  disclose  the  cause  of  his  merriment.  At  last  he 
pointed  to  a  log  which  was  partly  out  of  water,  and  there 
the  chancellor  saw  his  bait!  froggy  having  got  tired  of 
swimming  about,  and  jumped  up  on  the  log  to  see  what 
the  biped  at  the  other  end  of  the  line  and  pole  was  doing ! 

When  the  chancellor  was  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  he 
was  one  day  importuned  by  the  landlord  of  a  poor  clerk, 
who  wished  to  secure  his  monthly  salary  until  all  arrear- 
ages of  rent  were  paid. 

"  "Why  has  he  not  paid  you  ?"  inquired  the  chancellor. 

"  His  family  have  been  sick,  Mr.  Secretary,  and  he  only 
has  a  thousand  dollars  a  year,  any  how." 

"Sir!"  exclaimed  the  chancellor,  "do  you  take  me,  the 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  for  a  miserable  constable  ?  No, 
sir!  I  never  descend  to  the  collection  of  debts,  which  is 
an  outrageous  custom,  although  legal !  Good-day,  sir." 

The  abashed  creditor  withdrew,  and  the  clerk  was  next 
day  promoted  to  a  more  lucrative  place. 

The  personal  appearance  of  Chancellor  Bibb,  aside  from 
his  costume,  was  remarkable,  and  his  great  physical  vigor 
of  constitution  was  shown  in  his  erect  carriage  and  firm 
step  after  he  had  become  an  octogenarian.  He  was  rather 
above  the  middle  size,  and  his  frame,  like  his  mind,  was 
compact  and  well  knit  together.  His  whole  demeanor  and 
appearance  proclaimed  that  he  was  a  gentleman,  high-toned 
and  courteous;  able,  yet  retiring;  a  firm  friend,  a  kind 
husband  (he  was  married  thrice),  and  an  affectionate  parent. 
The  freedom  and  the  frankness  with  young  people  was  es- 
pecially remarkable  and  pleasing. 

The  chancellor  once  delivered  a  legal  opinion  of  St.  Paul. 
The  name  of  the  apostle  had  been  introduced  by  one  of  the 
counsel  pleading  before  him,  and  the  statement  made  that, 
with  all  his  learning,  St.  Paul  was  long  in  appreciating  the 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          239 

great  truths  of  Christianity.  The  chancellor  interrupting, 
raised  himself  up,  and  standing  before  the  person  address- 
ed, as  was  his  habit  when  excited,  said, 

"  St.  Paul  was  a  giant,  sir !  'It  took  a  stroke  of  lightning 
to  make  him  understand,  but,  when  he  did  understand,  he 
talked  like  thunder !" 


THE   IMMOKALS  OF  A  CULPKIT. 

Judge  Yerplanck,  of  Buffalo,  is  widely  known  through- 
out Western  New  York  for  his  habits  of  unflagging  in- 
dustry, as  well  as  for  an  appreciation  of  all  sorts  of  wit. 
On  or  off  the  bench,  no  one  knows  better  how  to  enjoy  a 
good  thing.  A  case  was  before  him  in  which  the  reputa- 
tion of  one  of  the  parties  was  involved. 

"  What  is  the  general  character  of  the  defendant?"  asked 
the  prosecuting  officer. 

"  Character  for  what  ?" 

"  Why,  his  morals  ?" 

This  particular  point  was  just  what  the  witness  was  not 
over-desirous  of  answering,  and  knowing  the  judge  quite 
well,  he  cast  toward  him  an  appealing  look,  as  much  as  to 
say,  Can't  you  help  me  out  of  this?  The  judge  compre- 
hended the  situation,  and,  with  a  face  of  stony  gravity,  sug- 
gested that  the  answer  desired  might  perhaps  be  attained 
by  a  slight  variation  of  the  question.  "  Suppose  you  ask 
him,  'How  are  his  zwmorals?'"  The  witness  looked  upon 
the  court,  the  court  dittoed  upon  the  witness,  while  the  lat- 
ter replied,  "Well,  judge,  I  should  say  that  his  mmorals 
stand  very  high  /"  The  court  "  noted  the  exception,"  while 
most  of  the  by-standers  adjourned  to  Bloomer's  to — talk  the 
thing  over  leisurely. 


240  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ABORTIVE   LEGAL   EFFORT  TO  ABOLISH  THE   FEMININE 
GENDER. 

Judge  G ,  one  of  the 'Supreme  Court  Justices  in  the 

Eighth  Judicial  District  of  the  State  of  New  York,  is  no 
less  noted  for  his  keen  sense  of  wit  and  ready  pleasantries 
than  for  his  profound  judicial  knowledge,  and  his  impartial 
conduct  on  the  bench. 

On  one  occasion,  on  the  trial  of  a  cause,  when  the  ques- 
tion arose  as  to  the  admission  of  the  wife  as  a  witness 
where  the  husband  was  a  party  to  the  action,  the  judge 
promptly  decided  that,  under  the  present  rule  of  practice, 
no  distinction  was  made  as  to  the  admission  of  witnesses  ; 
that  the  last  Legislature  had  virtually  dissolved  the  mar- 
riage relation  so  far  as  rules  of  law  practice  went.  In  con- 
firmation of  this  statement  one  of  the  counsel  referred  to  a 
note  in  Howard's  New  York  Code  of  Practice  in  the  Su- 
preme Court,  under  the  act 

"Concerning  the  Eights  and  Liabilities  of  Husband  and  Wife. 
"Note. — There  seems  to  be  a  slight  discrepancy  in  the 
title  of  this  act  as  compared  with  its  principal  provisions. 
The  more  appropriate  title  would  be '  An  Act  for  Divorce 
between  Husband  and  Wife,  a  vinculo  matrimonii,  as  it  re- 
spects property,  and  for  the  more  effectually  abolishing  the 
feminine  gender.' — EDITOR," 

Immediately  upon  the  utterance  of  the  last  two  words 
the  judge  replied,  "I  think  the  editor  is  wrong,  and,  under 
the  sanction  of  the  ermine,  I  must  correct  his  statement : 

"No !  the  gender  remains,  by  a  law  that's  Divine  ; 
'Tis  the  wife  that  is  changed  to  a  mere  concubine !'  " 

For  five  minutes  or  more  the  old  court-house  rang  with 
the  shouts  of  merriment,  in  which  members  of  the  bar,  ju- 
rors, suitors,  and  spectators  all  heartily  untied. 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          241 


ANECDOTES  OF  JUDGE   PETERS,  OF  CONNECTICUT. 

The  late  Judge  Peters,  of  Connecticut,  was  a  strong  Dem- 
ocrat, and  a  violent  opposer  especially  of  every  thing  con- 
nected with  the  famous  Hartford  Convention.  Roger  Minot 
Sherman  and  Calvin  Goddard,  who  had  been  members  of 
that  body,  were  once  talking  with  Judge  P.  on  the  sub- 
ject, when  the  latter,  half  facetiously  and  half  in  earnest, 
said, 

"  Well,  gentlemen,  if  you  had  been  tried  before  me  for 
that  matter  I  would  have  hung  you  both,  not  only  without 
law  and  evidence,  but,  if  need  be,  against  both." 

"That,"  said  Sherman,  making  a  low  bow,  "only  proves 
your  honor's  remarkable  impartiality — that  you  would  de- 
cide our  case  on  the  same  principle  that  you  do  the  greater 
part  of  the  cases  that  come  before  you." 

In  his  religious  views  Judge  Peters  was  understood  to 
be  a  Universalist.  On  one  occasion  an  offender  had  been 
convicted  before  him  of  two  different  crimes,  when  for  the 
first  the  judge  sentenced  him  to  the  state  prison  for  life,  and 
then  for  the  second  for  five  years  more  !  As  the  court  was 
adjourned,  Sherman,  stepping  up  to  him,  said, 

"Well, judge,  I  am  happy  to  see  that  you  are  changing 
your  religious  views,  at  least  on  one  important  subject." 

"How  so — how  so?"  said  the  judge.  "I  don't  under- 
stand you." 

"  Why,"  said  Sherman,  "it  is  plain,  from  your  sentence, 
that  you  believe  in  punishment  after  death." 

It  is  but  just  to  the  judge,  however,  to  add  that  he  de- 
fended his  sentence  on  the  ground  that  the  criminal  might 
be  pardoned  for  the  first  offense,  and  in  that  case  would  be 
held  for  the  second. 

Q 


242 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ANECDOTES  OF  JUDGE  JOHN  R.  BRADY. 

Judge  J.  R.  Brady,  well  known  as  "  the  judge  who  nev- 
er carries  the  ermine  with  him  off  the  bench,  and  lugs  it 
laboriously  around  in  ordinary  life,"  has  plenty  of  digni- 


ty when  filling  his  official  position,  as  more  than  one  law- 
yer, who  for  a  moment  presumed  upon  outside  familiarity 
to  take  liberties  with  the  bench,  has  found  to  his  cost. 
But  there  have  been  instances  when,  even  on  the  bench, 
he  has  been  guilty  of  something  very  nearly  approaching 


LISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  243 

to  a  joke.  One  of  the  drollest  of  those  rare  instances,  per- 
haps, was  that  of  the  "double  lawyer,"  which  the  judge 
was  not  quite  alone  in  arranging.  The  court  was  holding 
General  Terra,  at  which,  as  is  well  known,  all  the  judges  sit 
together,  and  when,  for  the  purposes  of  the  court,  no  one 
of  the  judges  ever  sits  alone.  But  it  so  happened  one  day, 
when  the  court  had  thinned  materially,  that  both  his  col- 
leagues went  for  a  few  moments  into  Chambers,  leaving 
Judge  Brady  alone,  and  of  course  without  any  idea  of  hear- 
ing an  argument.  At  this  crisis,  a  certain  lawyer,  who  may 
be  designated  as  Davy  Nathan,  arose  and  comme.nced  mak- 
ing some  inquiries  as  to  the  intention  of  the  court  to  hear 
his  case.  Inquired  of  as  to  whether  his  opponent  was  pres- 
ent and  ready,  Davy  confessed  that  he  was  not,  but — 

"  Then  is  it  your  intention  to  argue  both  sides  your- 
self?" interrupted  the  judge,  with  his  face  set  to  the  grav- 
ity of  one  of  the  New  Hampshire  granite  rocks,  while  it 
was  only  to  his  intimates  that  the  sly  twinkle  of  his  eye 
was  apparent. 

"  Argue  both  sidesvyour  honor?"  returned  Davy,  with  a 
gravity  that  was  by  no  means  assumed ;  "  I  do  not  know — 
I  had  not  thought  of  doing  so,  but  I  have  no  doubt  that  I 
could.  But,"  and  here  Davy  hesitated  for  a  moment,  "is 
not  such  a  course  a  little  unusual  ?" 

"Not  more  unusual,"  said  the  judge,  with  corresponding 
earnestness,  "than  for  a  single  judge  to  hear  an  argument 
at  General  Term." 

"  Very  well,  then,  your  honor,"  replied  Davy,  "  as  it  will 
save  time,  I  will  adopt  your  honor's  suggestion,  and  go  on." 

He  did  take  up  his  papers  and  "go  on," and  though  the 
few  remaining  lawyers  laughed  in  their  sleeves,  and  the 
clerks,  reporters,  and  all  that  'class  of  court  habitues  were 
convulsed  with  mirth,  not  a  smile  crossed  the  blandly  earn- 
est face  of  the  judge. 


244  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"On  which  side  are  you  going  to  begin,  Mr. Nathan?" 
inquired  the  judge. 

"  Oh,  as  I  am  the  appellant,  I  think  I  will  begin  on  my 
own,"  replied  Davy,  who  thereupon  opened  the  chapter  of 
injuries  sustained  by  his  client  on  being  mulcted  in  dam- 
ages for  the  sale  of  a  horse  under  a  warranty,  when  there 
had  been  no  warranty  whatever,  before  Judge  Slider,  of 
the  One  Hundredth  and  Seventh  District  Court.  The 
judge  lay  back  in  his  chair  and  listened  gravely ;  some  of 
the  others  listened  not  quite  so  gravely,  though  Davy  nev- 
er saw  any  thing  out  of  order.  After  a  time  the  judge  in- 
terrupted him : 

"Mr.  Nathan,  hadn't  you  better  give  us  a  little  on  the 
other  side  now  ?" 

"  Yes,  perhaps  I  had  better,  your  honor ;"  whereupon 
Davy  presented  the  other  side,  more  or  less  lucidly,  for  a 
few  moments.  Then  another  suggestion,  and  another  trans- 
fer; and  then  back  again,  judge  and  counsel  both  still  the 
incarnations  of  gravity,  though  all  other  parties  had  arrived 
at  that  state  at  which  an  early  explosion  was  inevitable. 
But  the  explosion  was  not  reached  until  Davy  came  to  that 
point  so  easily  found  under  such  circumstances — the  point 
of  wandering  and  stumbling  about  under  his  double  load. 
Then,  when  the  judge,  tapping  his  forehead,  as  if  in  a  very 
strong  attempt  to  recollect,  sententiously  inquired,  "  Let  me 
see,  Mr.  Nathan,  which  side  are  you  on  nowT"1 — then  there 
certainly  was  an  explosion  which  came  very  near  to  the 
bench,  if  it  did  not  reach  it,  and  Davy,  looking  around  at 
the  spectators,  muttered  something  about  "  really  finding  it 
a  worse  job  than  he  thought,"  dropped  his  papers,  and  sat 
down.  He  was  a  little  quizzed,  possibly,  thereafter,  as 
"the  lawyer  who  argued  both  sides  of  the  case  on  appeal," 
and  Judge  Brady  was  correspondingly  complimented  as  be- 
ing "the  judge  who  heard  General  Term  arguments  all 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  245 

alone."  It  would  be  pleasant  to  record  what  eventually  be- 
came of  the  horse  case,  but  the  records  of  the  court  (care- 
fully examined  to  that  end)  do  not  show  that  the  argument 
so  originally  begun  and  so  amusingly  interrupted  has  ever 
yet  come  to  a  conclusion. 

Judge  Brady  is  not  very  often  "  floored"  (to  use  an  ex- 
pressive vulgarism)  when  on  the  bench,  but  there  are  cer- 
tain persons  who  remember  to  have  seen  him  in  that  con- 
dition. Not  many  years  have  elapsed  since  one  morning, 
during  the  heat  of  a  trial,  a  paper,  apparently  of  import- 
ance, was  handed  up  to  him  by  an  officer,  the  sender,  a  law- 
yer of  somewhat  run-down  condition,  waiting  anxiously  at 
a  little  distance  for  a  response,  and  the  paper,  when  circu- 
lated among  the  members  of  the  bar  (as  it  was  the  moment 
after),  conveying  this  somewhat  startling  legal  application 
to  be  made  to  a  judge  on  the  bench : 

"Thursday  morning. 

"DEAR  JUDGE, — I  am  busted — dead!  Lend  me  a  ten 
for  a  few  days,  and  hand  it  to  me  in  an  envelope,  so  that 
nobody  will  know  about  it.  Yours, 


Possibly  ex-Excise  Commissioner  Robert  D.  Holmes,  who 
was  made  the  first  confidant  by  the  bench  on  that  occasion, 
may  remember  the  incident  with  some  unction ;  but  he  will 
not  remember,  as  the  relator  does  not,  the  handing  over  of 
the  money. 

The  greatest  charm  of  one  of  Judge  B.'s  best  charges 
lay  in  the  opening  sentence.  Smith  and  Jones  were  fight- 
ing (at  nisi  prius)  over  the  value  of  a  certain  schooner  sold 
by  the  one  to  the  other,  and  used  for  carrying  sand  from 
the  Jersey  flats.  Smith  swore  that  a  sounder  and  more 
seaworthy  vessel  had  not  existed  since  the  days  of  the  Ar- 
mada— that  every  spar,  timber,  and  rope  was  perfect,  and 


246  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


that  he  would  have  had  no  hesitation  in  crossing  the  At- 
lantic in  her  in  an  equinoctical  gale.  Jones  swore  that 
there  was  not  one  timber,  spar,  or  rope  but  was  so  rotten 
as  to  be  picked  to  pieces  with  the  fingers,  and  that  he  would 
not  have  crossed  the  North  Eiver  in  her  from  Fort  Wash- 
ington to  Guttenberg,  on  a  calm  day  in  midsummer,  for  an 
interest  in  Johnstown.  When  the  judge  came  to  charge 
the  jury,  his  opening  sentence  was,  "  Gentlemen  of  the 
jury,  upon  one  point  I  have  no  occasion  to  assist  your  de- 
liberations ;  if  you  know  any  thing  in  this  world,  it  is  the 
seaworthiness  of  the  boat!"  Perhaps  they  did,  though  they 
"  smiled  audibly,"  as  if  they  did  not ;  at  all  events,  they 
disagreed^  and  the  precise  money-value  of  the  sand-schooner 
probably  remains  undetermined  to  this  day. 

Judge  Brady  was  once  trying  a  case  in  which  a  party 
attempted  to  recover  for  dry  goods  sold  at  auction.  The 
defense  was  "  printer's  imperfections  on  the  fabrics  sold." 
The  defendant's  counsel  was  a  mild  and  amiable  gentle- 
man, under  the  control,  to  a  greater  extent  than  usual,  of  his 
clients.  He  had  asked  a  number  of  irrelevant  questions 
(which  were  not  creditable  to  him  as  an  advocate),  and 
which  were  duly  excluded.  A  private  consultation  with 
his  clients  ended  in  his  asking  another  question  equally  ir- 
relevant with  those  which  had  been  rejected.  It  was  ob- 
jected to.  The  presiding  judge  said, 

"  It  is  certainly  irrelevant,  Mr.  C ,"  to  which  the  latter 

answered,  looking  up  at  the  ceiling  of  the  court-room, 

"  I  knew  it  was,  your  honor,  but  I  asked  it,  sir,  to  gratify 
my  clients." 

The  judge,  leaning  forward,  with  a  gentle  but  pointed 
expression  of  satire,  said,  in  his  bland  way, 

"  Mr.  C ,  during  the  rest  of  this  trial  the  court  will 

endeavor  to  protect  you  from  your  clients." 

The  result  was  that  Mr.  C was  not  farther  molested 

by  client,  court,  or  jury. 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  247 

Judge  Brady  was  one  day  admitting  to  the  duties  of  citi- 
zenship such  members  of  the  Milesian  and  Teutonic  per- 
suasions as  came  armed  with  the  proper  documents,  and 
could  satisfactorily  answer  the  interrogatories  the  judge 
deemed  it  his  duty  to  propound.  One  of  these  was  Mi- 
chael Mahoney,  whose  face  wore  a  genial  smile  and  his  body 
an  old  army  overcoat.  Taking  his  eye  in  his  hand,  and 
throwing  it  at  the  prisoner  (to  speak  metaphorically)  full 
and  strong,  the  judge  thus  addressed  him  : 

"  What's  your  name  ?" 

"  Michael  Mahoney,  yer  hon'r." 

"How  long  have  you  been  in  this  country?" 

"  Six  years,  yer  hon'r." 

"  Never  been  out  of  it  during  that  time?" 

"  Niver  a  wanst,  yer  hon'r." 

"Sure  of  it?"  - 

"  Bedad  you  can  say  that." 

Turning  to  the  witness  accompanying  Michael,  and  re- 
ceiving satisfactory  replies  to  the  usual  questions  as  to  moral 
character,  etc.,  the  judge  was  on  the  point  of  putting  his  in- 
itials to  the  application,  and  thus  passing  it,  when  Michael 
interrupted  him  by  asking, 

"  Judge,  what  was  that  ye  were  after  asking  about  being 
out  of  the  country  ?" 

"  Have  you  been  out  of  the  United  States  at  any  time 
during  the  last  six  years?" 

"  Well,  ye'r  honor,  I  may  have  been  out  of  it  a  little,  just 
wanst." 

"When  was  that?" 

"  Well"  (and  he  gave  a  wink  at  the  court),  "  that  was  at 
the  first  battle  of  Bull  Run.'1'1 


248  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


WIT  OF  ALEXANDER  H.  STEPHENS. 

The  late  rebel  Yice-President  of  the  late  rebel  Confed- 
eracy was  noted  for  his  tact  and  wit  on  the  stump.  Dur- 
ing the  contest  for  the  Presidency  in  1860,  Stephens,  who 
supported  Bell  and  Everett,  had  occasion  to  address  an 
audience  at  the  same  time  with  Colonel  Eance  Wright 
Wright's  turn  for  speaking  came,  and,  by  way  of  a  tale,  he 
said  that  Mr.  Stephens  had  said  he  could  eat,  metaphorical- 
ly speaking,  Ben  Hill  for  breakfast,  Ranee  Wright  for  din- 
ner, and  Bob  Trippe  for  supper.  Mr.  Stephens  being  very 
small  of  stature,  and  possessing  very  little  storage-room,  of 
course  this  brought  out  a  shout.  Mr.  Stephens  rose,  and, 
after  denying  having  made  any  such  statement,  said,  if 
he  had  contemplated  such  a  feast,  he  surely  would  have 
changed  the  order;  he  would  have  taken  Ben  Hill  for 
breakfast,  Bob  Trippe  for  dinner,  and,  remembering  the  ad- 
vice of  his  mother  always  to  eat  a  light  supper,  he  would 
have  tipped  off  with  his  friend  Colonel  Wright. 


CURIOUS  RESEMBLANCE   OF  A  PLAINTIFF  TO  OTHELLO. 

Jefferson  Davis,  a  lawyer  of  some  little  repute  in  Mis- 
sissippi, in  a  trial  for  slander  in  one  of  the  courts  of  that 
state,  was  defending  a  client  who  had  charged  the  plaintiff 
with  swindling.  The  opposing  counsel  had  boasted  in  his 
opening  speech  that  the  plaintiff  had  acted  entirely  under 
his  advice,  and  in  the  progress  of  the  cause  he  introduced 
in  evidence  a  letter  of  the  plaintiff,  in  which  the  phrase  was 
used,  "  Othello's  occupation's  gone."  Davis,  in  comment- 
ing upon  this  letter  to  the  jury,  said, 

"I  deny  the  right  of  the  plaintiff  to  compare  himself 
to  Othello,  who  was  a  noble,  generous,  warm-hearted  man 
— his  only  fault  that  he  '  loved  not  wisely,  but  too  well.' 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO  CA  TES.  249 

In  all  these  respects  the  plaintiff  is  exactly  the  opposite — 
a  mean  -  spirited,  selfish,  avaricious,  and  treacherous  per- 
son. But  there  is,  gentlemen,  a  striking  resemblance  be- 
tween the  plaintiff  and  Othello  in  this — they  both  had 
most  villainous  counsel." 


ANECDOTES  OF  JAMES  T.   BRADY. 

Half  the  good  stories  told  in  this  chapter  have  at  various 
times  been  attributed  to  one  or  the  other  of  the  Bradys, 
each  of  whom  are  equally  witty  and  wise.  We  give  below 
a  few  of  those  of  undoubted  Brady  origin : 

It  is  related  that  Mr.  James  T.  Brady  was  employed  to 
argue  a  doubtful  case  in  the  Supreme  Court  of  the  State  of 
New  York  while  Greene  C.  Bronson  was  the  chief  justice. 
He  felt  doubtful  as  to  being  able  to  succeed  even  in  getting 
the  justices  to  take  the  case  for  consideration.  The  plain- 
tiff had  been  nonsuited  in  the  former  trials  of  the  case  for 
a  reason  which  was  apparent — he  had  "rested"  too  soon, 
stopped  short  in  his  proof,  but  whether  from  necessity  or 
inadvertence  was  not  disclosed  by  the  testimony.  Mr. 
Brady  proceeded  to  state  the  facts,  and,  in  commenting 
upon  the  incidents  of  the  trial,  said,  "  And  hereupon  the 
plaintiff  rested." 

"  Eested,  sir,"  said  Chief  Justice  Bronson,  who  had  been 
grasping  the  case  with  avidity,  and  saw  the  defect  which 
Mr.  Brady  apprehended  would  be  fatal,  "  rested,  sir ;  why 
did  he  rest?" 

Mr.  Brady,  with  that  peculiar  involuntary  movement  or 
shrug  which  is  often  the  avant  courier  of  a  good  thing,  with 
great  self-possession,  but  apparently  feeling  in  his  neckcloth 
for  the  lost  Pleiad,  said, 

"  If  your  hon'ors  please,  that  question  has  given  me  much 
anxiety.  I  have  devoted  nearly  two  weeks  to  a  search  for 


250 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


the  reason  why,  at  so  early  and  inconvenient  a  period  in 
this  controversy,  the  plaintiff  rested,  and  I  have  at  last  ar- 
rived at  the  conclusion,  and  it  is,  in  my  judgment,  the  only 
one  that  can  be  sustained  on  principle  and  authority,  that 
he  must  have  been  very  much  fatigued !" 


It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  papers  were  not  taken  nor 
the  judgment  reserved. 
On  another  occasion  Mr.  Brady  had  a  case  equally  de- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          251 

fective,  and  so  very  lame  that  he  gave  his  client  to  under- 
stand that  it  could  not  be  gained.  The  client  insisted  on 
trying  it,  and  Mr.  Brady  devoted  his  best  talent  to  making 
the  best  show  he  could.  The  case  was  ably  put  on  the 
other  side,  and  was  so  plain  that  the  judge,  who  had  made 
up  his  mind,  rather  indicated  it  by  several  rulings  entirely 
favorable  to  the  opposite  side.  Mr.  Brady  was  seeking  for 
an  opportunity  for  covering  his  retreat  from  his  untenable 
positions,  and  on  some  ruling  of  the  judge  highly  favorable 
to  his  opponent,  he  blandly  inquired, 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,  who's  engaged  on  the  other 
side  of  this  case  besides  the  judge?" 

Mr.  Brady  was  on  another  occasion  engaged  in  another 
and  more  interesting  case,  in  which  the  testimony  was  nice- 
ly balanced,  and  it  required  an  effort  to  succeed.  He  was 
the  defendant's  counsel,  and  was  addressing  the  jury  with 
great  earnestness.  Becoming  violent  in  his  tone  and  ges- 
ture, a  dog,  the  fond  companion  of  a  juror,  and  hitherto 
lying  in  blissful  secrecy  and  security  under  the  juror's 
bench,  alarmed  at  the  unusual  performance,  suddenly  ap- 
peared and  barked  at  the  orator.  As  quick  as  a  flash  the 
speaker  turned  upon  the  intruder,  and  with  appropriate 
gesticulation  exclaimed, 

' '  I  am  Sir  Oracle, 
And  when  I  ope  my  mouth  let  no  dog  bark." 

That  flight  of  fancy  won  the  jury  and  carried  the  case. 


A   PROPER  COUNTENANCE   FOR  A  JUDGE. 

Soon  after  Judge  Busteed's  appointment  as  United  States 
Judge  for  the  State  of  Alabama,  he  was  conversing  with 
an  acquaintance  at  Mobile  about  his  new  and  very  re- 
sponsible position.  The  latter  expressed  surprise  that  the 
judge  should  have  accepted  the  honor,  or  consented  to  go 


252  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


upon  the  bench  under  any  circumstances — "  it  would  be  so 
difficult  for  you,"  said  he,  jocularly,  "  to  maintain  the  requi- 
site facial  gravity." 

"  What!"  said  the  judge,  assuming  an  aspect  of  great  se- 
verity, "  do  you  mean  to  say  that  I  do  not  look  like  the 
United  States  Judge  of  Alabama  ?" 

"Well,  judge,"  was  the  reply,  "I  must  confess  you  have 
rather  a  lMobild  countenance  just  at  this  moment,  though 
how  it  will  appear  when  you  visit  the  other  districts  I'll 
not  undertake  to  say." 


ANECDOTE   OF  JUDGE  BARNARD. 

Judge  Barnard,  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  New  York, 
whose  rapid  way  of  doing  business  at  Chambers  is  proverb- 
ial, is  quick  to  perceive  where  a  witticism  may,  without  im- 
propriety, be  introduced  to  enliven  the  proceedings.  The 
writer  of  this  happened  to  be  present  one  morning  when 
two  pillars  of  the  law  stood  in  the  presence,  each  holding 
some  quires  of  paper  facetiously  termed  "pleadings." 

"  I  ask  leave,  your  honor,  to  amend  so  as  to  insert"  so 
and  so. 

"  And  I  move  to  amend,"  says  the  other,  "by  inserting," 
etc.,  etc. 

This  continued  for  half  an  hour,  when  the  judge  quietly 
arose,  took  his  hat  and  cane,  and  remarked,  "  Gentlemen, 
you  have  each  leave,  if  you  wish,  to  insert  the  whole  of 
Webster's  Dictionary.  This  is  my  birthday,  and  I  am  go- 
ing home  to  dinner.  Court's  adjourned  !" 

Counsel  were  disposed  to  ask  for  a  writ  of  "  No  Go"  (ne 
eoceaf) ;  but  the  judge  was  off,  and  we  suppose  they  are  now 
at  work  on  that  superior,  though  somewhat  discursive  vol- 
ume. 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VOCA  TES.  253 


REMINISCENCE   OF   GOVERNOR  ROBERT  P.  LETCHER,  OF 
KENTUCKY. 

The  following  interesting  and  touching  reminiscence  of 
Eobert  P.  Letcher  is  related  by  a  lady  : 

"  When  he  was  Governor  of  Kentucky  I  spent  a  winter 
at  Frankfort,  the  capital.  My  father  was  a  member  of  the 
Senate,  and  of  the  same  political  party,  as  well  as  an  old 
friend  of  his  excellency,  so  that  I  became  very  well  ac- 
quainted with  him  during  the  winter;  but  the  little  inci- 
dent I  will- relate  occurred  on  the  first  day  I  met  him : 

"  The  November  preceding,  a  couple  of  negroes,  man  and 

wife,  had  been  tried  in  the  Circuit  Court  of  M County 

for  burning  down  the  house  of  their  mistress,  a  very  old 
lady,  who  escaped  almost  by  a  miracle  from  perishing  in 
the  flames.  They  were  found  guilty,  and  condemned  to 
death.  A  good  many  ladies  attended  the  trial,  as  they  oft- 
en did  when  it  was  known  that  our  best  lawyers  would 
speak,  and  I  had  been  one  of  the  number.  I  heard  all  the 
testimony  and  all  the  speeches,  and  came  to  the  decided 
conclusion  that  the  woman  had  participated  in  the  crime 
through  fear  of  her  husband.  I  determined  I  would  try  to 
save  her  from  the  gallows.  I  scarcely  knew  how  to  go  to 
work  to  accomplish  my  object.  All  girls  of  sixteen  are 
keenly  alive  to  ridicule,  and  I  was  so  much  afraid  of  being 
laughed  at  that  I  kept  my  intentions  to  myself.  Judge 

R ,  the  presiding  judge,  had  postponed  passing  sentence 

of  death  upon  the  poor  creatures  until  the  last  day  of  the 
term.  For  many  years  he  had  been  in  the  habit  of  making 
our  house  his  home  while  his  court  was  in  session.  I  was 
a  great  favorite  with  him,  and  when  I  begged  him  to  give 
them  a  '  long  day,'  he  readily  granted  my  request. 

"  In  a  few  days  after  we  went  to  Frankfort.  I  had  made 
up  my  mind  to  go  directly  to  Governor  Letcher,  and  ask 


254  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


him  to  pardon  the  woman ;  so,  the  morning  after  I  reached 
there,  I  started  out  alone,  without  imparting  my  plans  to 
my  father  or  elder  sister.  I  knew  that  the  governor 
transacted  business  in  a  room  adjoining  the  office  of  the 
secretary  of  state.  With  a  heart  beating  loud  enough  to 
be  heard,  I  found  myself  at  the  door  of  the  room.  I  dared 
not  give  myself  time  to  reflect.  I  knew,  if  I  hesitated  an 
instant,  I  would  surely  run.  I  gave  a  tremendous  rap  ;  it 
sounded  like  thunder  in  my  ears,  and  in  a  moment  I  was 
face  to  face,  for  the  first  time,  with  Governor  Letcher. 

"  I  shall  never  forget  the  kind  smile  and  pleasant  voice 
with  which  he  greeted  me.  '  Come  in,  my  child,'  he  said, 
'  and  tell  me  what  you  want  with  me ;  but  sit  down ;  you 
look  a  little  frightened,  though  I  don't  think  you  can  be 
afraid  of  me.'  I  first  told  him  my  name,  and  who  was  my 
father;  then  I  scarcely  knew  how  to  begin  my  petition, 
but  his  whole  .manner  and  appearance  was  so  good  that  I 
soon  overcame  my  timidity.  I  told  him  the  whole  story : 
how  the  woman's  husband  had  escaped  from  the  county 
jail  a  day  or  two  after  their  sentence  had  been  passed; 
how  she  could  have  done  so  at  the  same  time  if  she  had 
been  willing  to  desert  her  little  baby ;  how  young  she 
was,  and  how  —  even  to  a  poor  slave  —  how  dreadful  to 
die  such  an  awful  death,  and  leave  her  poor  baby  forever. 
I  don't  remember  all  I  said,  but  I  plead  with  my  whole 
heart,  and  became  so  much  excited  that  I  wound  up  by 
bursting  into  tears.  Dear  old  man  !  I  don't  think  that  his 
eyes  were  quite  dry.  '  My  dear  child,'  he  said,  after  a  short 
pause,  '  it  is  very  unusual  to  grant  a  pardon  unless  some 
petition  is  sent,  signed  by  a  sufficient  number  of  respect- 
able citizens,  or  some  written  appeal,  to  place  upon  rec- 
ord, to  show  that  the  executive  has  not,  without  good 
reason,  interfered  with  the  execution  of  the  laws  of  the 
state.  But  I  will  do  this :  I  will  grant  the  woman  a  re- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  255 

prieve  of  six  weeks,'  and,  continued  he,  '  I  am  sure  you 
know  some  young  gentleman  who,  for  the  sake  of  pleasing 
you,  will  draw  up  a  petition  and  circulate  it  through  your 
county,  and  if  he  can  get  even  twenty  names  to  it  you  shall 
have  the  pardon.'  I  thanked  him  over  and  over  again, 
and  he  took  me  with  him  to  the  proper  office,  that  I  might 
see  for  myself  that  the  reprieve  was  sent  off  immediately. 
I  am  making  my  story  too  long,  but  will  close  it  in  as  few 
words  as  possible.  I  did  know  the  sort  of  young  gentle- 
man he  had  referred  to,  and  the  same  mail  that  carried  the 
reprieve  also  carried  an  account  of  my  interview  with  the 
governor.  In  a  few  days  my  young  friend  sent  me  the  re- 
sult of  his  labors — a  petition  more  numerously  signed  than 
I  had  dared  to  hope  for.  I  rushed  off  with  it  to  his  excel- 
lency. He  seemed  almost  as  delighted  as  I  was,  and  as  he 
handed  me  the  pardon  he  placed  his  hand  on  my  head,  and 
smoothing  the  curls,  that  had  become  rather  disordered  by 

my  rapid  movements,  he  said  to  me,  '  Eemember,  L , 

that  any  favor  you  can  ask  of  old  Bob  Letcher  will  be 
granted  as  willingly  as  it  would  have  been  to  a  child  of  my 
own,  had  God  seen  fit  to  bless  me  with  one.'  Then  he 
added  words  of  praise  that  I  can  not  place  here,  but  I  treas- 
ure them  still  in  my  heart.  I  loved  him  dearly,  and  will 
always  revere  his  memory  as  one  of  the  best  men  I  ever 
knew." 


GENERAL  BEN  BUTLER'S  TACT  AS  A  LAWYER. 

One  of  the  very  last  cases  in  which  that  distinguished 
advocate,  Eufus  Choate,  appeared,  was  for  the  prosecution 
of  a  railroad  for  damages  in  the  loss  of  limb  of  his  client. 

Associated  with  him  were  D and  L ,  two  others  of 

the  leaders  of  the  Massachusetts  bar.     The  three  together 
made  up  a  trio  of  legal  ability  of  the  very  highest  order ; 


256 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


while  for  the  defense  stood  Ben  Butler,  single-handed,  and 
apparently  inattentive  to  the  progress  of  the  trial.  He 
took  no  notes,  but  a  little  occurrence  soon  brought  him  to 
his  feet,  and  proved  that  he  was  awake  and  at  his  post  A 


question  had  been  asked  a  witness,  the  answer  to  which 
seemed  to  damage  the  plaintiff's  prospects.  One  of  the 
trio,  in  apparently  a  by-play  to  his  associates,  gave  a  slight 
groan  of  incredulity,  doubtless  intended  for  effect  on  the 
jury.  In  an  instant  up  sprang  the  vigilant  Ben. 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  AD  VO  CA  TES.  257 

"  Stop  !  stop !  stop !"  cried  he,  in  his  impetuous  way,  to 
the  witness. 

"  "What  is  the  matter,  Mr.  Butler  ?"  asks  the  judge,  taken 
by  surprise  at  the  interruption. 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,"  replies  the  imperturbable 

advocate  in  the  blandest  of  accents,  "  my  brother  L is 

taken  suddenly  ill.  Did  you  not  hear  him  groan  just  now  ? 
The  court  might  like  to  take  a  short  recess,  I  thought" 

"Proceed  with  the  examination  of  the  witness.  Let 
there  be  no  more  interruption,"  says  the  judge.  But  the 
object  of  the  interruption  was  accomplished  j  the  effect,  or 
intended  effect,  of  the  enemy's  gun  was  neutralized. 

Mr.  Butler,  being  for  the  defense,  of  course  had  to  address 
the  jury  first  in  the  closing  arguments.  His  analysis  of 
the  special  characteristics  of  his  three  opponents  was  acute 
and  discriminating.  To  each  of  them  he  ascribed  the  high- 
est of  tact  and  talent  in  his  own  department,  but  to  his 
brother  Choate  he  gave  more  than  common  encomium. 
"  He  it  was,"  said  he,  "  who  is  retained  in  every  great  case, 
to  lend  to  it  the  power  of  his  rare  abilities  to  obtain  a  ver- 
dict. Such,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is  the  charm  of  his  elo- 
quence, that  he  has  only  to  wave  over  you  his  magic  wand, 
and  you  are  so  completely  mesmerized  by  his  will  that  you 
will  say  black  is  white,  and  white  black,  if  he  only  says  it 
is  so.  You  are  wholly  under  the  bewitching  influence  of 
his  eloquence,  and  are  led  by  it  whithersoever  he  chooses 
to  lead  you.  You  start,  gentlemen ;  you  brace  yourself 
back  with  a  determined  air,  as  if  to  say,  however  it  may  be 
with  others,  you  are  proof  against  his  blandishments.  Ah ! 
gentlemen,  little  do  you  know  the  power  of  the  spell  that 
will  soon  be  upon  you.  I  have  myself  seen  it  in  so  many 
instances  that  I  speak  with  confidence  and  certainty  on  this 
point."  And  so  he  went  on  to  depict  the  Chotean  style  of 
eloquence,  with  a  slight  allusion  to  the  famous  somnambu- 

K 


258  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


list  line  of  defense  in  the  Tyrrell  case,  till  he  had  succeeded 
in  fortifying  the  jury  against  the  last  words — always  the 
most  potent — of  the  closing  argument. 

Mr.  Choate  arose,  evidently  not  in  good  health,  pale  and 
emaciated,  the  deep  lines  of  his  classic  face  tremulous  with 
emotion,  and  in  his  very  exordium  complained  bitterly 
and  earnestly  of  the  injustice  done  him  by  the  caricature 
drawn  so  wantonly  and  maliciously  by  the  counsel  for  the 
defense,  asserting  over  and  over  again  that  he  was  a  far 
different  man,  and  his  eloquence — such  as  he  had — far  dif- 
ferent from  that  attempted  to  be  fastened  on  him ;  that,  in 
short,  he  was  a  plain-spoken  man,  accustomed  to  use  only 
such  common  sense  as  his  Maker  had  given  him,  and  such 
a  presentation  of  the  facts  in  any  case  as  the  testimony  war- 
ranted. He  then  proceeded  to  verify  his  assertion  by  a 
corresponding  style  of  eloquence  and  argument,  entirely 
unusual  with  him,  and  only  feebly,  for  him,  put  the  case  to 
the  jury.  The  damaging  effect  of  Butler's  novel  tactics 
was  evident  from  beginning  to  end,  and  the  jury  did  not 
agree  upon  a  verdict,  which  was  equivalent  to  one  for  But- 
ler's clients. 


EXTEMPORIZING  LEGAL  AUTHORITIES. 

The  following  true  anecdote  of  the  late  Mr.  J ,  one  of 

the  most  learned  and  high-minded  lawyers  of  Central  New 
York,  shows  how  necessary  is  the  ability  sometimes  to  ex- 
temporize, as  well  as  to  quote  the  law  pertinent  to  the  case. 
About  twenty  years  since  he  was  engaged  in  trying  an  im- 
portant case  before  a  country  justice  of  the  peace,  and  had 
for  his  antagonist  a  dogged  and  determined  pettifogger  by 
the  name  of  Briggs,  who  was  considered  "great"  in  justice's 
courts  in  general,  and  in  that  one  in  particular,  as  the  just- 
ice was  a  neighbor  of  his,  and  had  been  the  opposition  can- 


DISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  259 

didate  for  the  same  office ;  and  as  Mr.  Briggs  was  beaten 
by  a  very  small  majority  only,  the  court  always  seemed  to 
regard  him  as  a  man  nearly  capable  of  holding  the  office, 
and  one  whose  opinion,  therefore,  was  entitled  to  more  than 
ordinary  weight.  Briggs  perceived  this  confidence,  and 
sometimes  endeavored  to  take  advantage  of  it,  and  accord- 
ingly it  was  not  unusual,  when  he  had  a  desperate  case  on 
hand,  to  manufacture  the  law  to  sustain  it,  and  to  quote  to 
the  court  what  the  decision  of  the  Supreme  Court  had 
been  in  some  case  which  he  would  cite,  always  giving  the 
title  of  the  hypothetical  case,  and  the  volume  and  page 
where  it  was  reported,  and  the  language  used  by  the  court 
in  giving  its  opinion.  This  was,  of  course,  all  manufactured 
by  Briggs  from  his  fertile  and  never-failing  resources.  He 

tried  the  same  game  on  the  present  occasion  upon  J . 

Briggs  summed  up  the  case  at  great  length  and  with  con- 
siderable ability,  and  cited  at  length  the  case  of  Frink  vs. 
Ferguson,  as  decided  in  the  Supreme  Court,  and  giving  the 
volume  and  page,  as  usual,  where  the  case  could  be  found 

reported.  This  was  a  stumper  to  J ,  who  knew  that  no 

such  decision  had  ever  been  made,  but  who  knew  also  that 
there  was  not  a  law  library  within  twenty  miles.  The  case 
cited  covered  the  one  before  the  court  like  a  confession  of 
judgment,  and  how  to  get  rid  of  its  effect  was  the  next 
question. 

The  court  adjourned  for  dinner  immediately  after  the 
conclusion  of  Briggs's  speech,  and  during  the  interim  the 
witnesses  and  such  neighbors  as  had  been  attracted  to  the 
tavern  by  a  lawsuit  were  busily  engaged  discussing,  as  is 
usual  on  such  occasions,  and  making  bets  upon,  the  prob- 
able result  of  the  case. 

Upon  the  reassembling  of  the  court  J commenced 

his  argument  for  the  plaintiff,  and  the  court-room  was  more 
completely  packed,  if  possible,  than  before  dinner.  After 


260  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


talking  some  time  about  the  facts  of  the  case,  he  approach- 
ed the  law  involved  in  it,  and  said,  while  he  admired  the 
ability  and  ingenuity  displayed  by  his  opponent,  he  thought 
he  had  not  treated  the  case  or  the  court  with  that  fairness 
or  frankness  which  should  characterize  all  legal  discussions, 
whose  end  should  always  be  to  discover  truth  and  apply 
justice.  "With  the  case  of  Frink  vs.  Ferguson,"  said  he, 
"  upon  which  my  opponent  seems  to  rest  his  case,  and 
which  is  perfectly  familiar  to  me,  I  have  no  fault  to  find,  as 
I  too  rely  chiefly  upon  the  same  case.  I  freely  admit  that 
the  Supreme  Court  decided  that  case  as  stated  by  my 
learned  opponent,  but  then  my  friend  ought  in  honesty  to 
have  stated  to  your  honor  that  the  case  was  afterward  re- 
versed by  the  Court  for  the  Correction  of  Errors,"  naming 
the  volume  and  page  also  where  the  decision  could  be 
found  reported,  and  reading  from  his  brief  (which  had  been 
prepared  during  the  adjournment)  copious  extracts  from 
the  opinions  of  the  chancellor  and  several  senators,  show- 
ing the  law  to  be  such  as  fitted  the  plaintiff's  case  exactly. 

The  frank  admission  of  J completely  nonplused  the 

court,  and  Briggs  too,  for  that  matter,  and  the  result  was 
that  judgment  was  given  for  the  plaintiff  for  the  amount 
claimed ;  but  a  knowledge  of  the  joke  having  got  abroad, 
Briggs  was  so  annoyed  at  being  "hoist  by  his  own  petard" 
that  he  soon  after  removed  to  Arkansas,  where  he  was  aft- 
erward appointed  judge  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  that  state, 
and  was  making  law  there  on  the  breaking  out  of  the  rebel- 
lion. 


AN  EFFECTIVE   IMPROMPTU. 

During  the  trial  of  a  man  named  Pugsley  in  Baltimore 
for  a  cruel  and  outrageous  assault  upon  his  daughter — a 
pretty,  gentle  girl,  just  entering  womanhood — it  was  proven 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.  261 

that  the  traverser  had  seized  his  daughter  in  the  street  by 
the  throat,  had  dragged  her  from  the  protection  of  persons 
with  -whom  she  was  living  as  a  nurse,  and  having  reached 
his  home  with  his  prisoner,  and  regaled  himself  with  a 
hearty  supper,  that  he  had  entertained  himself  for  a  period 
of  two  hours,  varied  by  intermissions  for  rest  and  refresh- 
ment, by  beating  his  daughter  unmercifully  with  a  cart- 
whip.  The  defense  interposed  by  his  counsel  was  as  ex- 
traordinary as  the  character  of  the  misdemeanor  of  the  ac- 
cused, and,  among  other  arguments  in  justification  of  the 
father's  brutality,  it  was  urged  that  the  daughter  was  un- 
worthy of  belief ;  that  she  was  habitually  disobedient ;  that 
the  father's  "  finer  feelings"  made  him  solicitous  to  reform 
the  girl's  heart ;  and  that  he  had  only  obeyed  the  spirit  of 
Solomon's  maxim,  "Not  to  spare  the  rod,  lest  he  should 
spoil  the  child."  As  the  counsel  finished  his  argument  for 
the  defendant,  Mr.  E.  S.  Mathews,  a  member  of  the  bar, 
handed  the  following  impromptu  to  Mr.  Whitney,  the 
state's  attorney,  who  closed  the  case  for  the  state  by  re- 
peating it  to  the  jury  with  humorous  effect : 

"His  'finer  feelings'  made  him  seek  his  child, 
To  train  her  steps  in  ways  '  uncommon  mild  ;' 
And,  lest  her  feet  from  duty's  paths  should  slip, 
He  kept  her  upright  by  a  drayman's  whip. 
The  ancient  teacher — holy  man  of  God — 
Advises  '  parents  not  to  spare  the  rod ;' 
But  in  this  case  the  query  rises — Whether 
Solomon  meant  the  rod  should  be  of  leather  ? 
If  Pugsley's  rule  the  jury  should  indorse, 
His  child  will  fare  scarce  better  than  his  horse  /" 

The  prisoner  was  convicted,  heavily  fined,  and  imprison- 
ed for  three  months  by  Judge  Bond,  of  the  Criminal  Court. 


263  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


KEMINISCENCES   OF  JO   DAVIESS,  OF   KENTUCKY. 

At  the  age  of  twenty-five  Jo  Daviess  had  established  his 
reputation  as  one  of  the  best  lawyers  and  most  powerful 
orators  in  the  Western  country.  He  gained,  almost  at  a 
single  bound,  a  place  that  is  usually  reached  only  by  long 
and  assiduous  labor.  Nor  was  this  elevation  the  result  of 
an  unhealthy  or  unnatural  precocity,  such  as  is  sometimes 
displayed  by  men  who  astonish  the  world  by  a  splendor  of 
youthful  promise  which  they  are  unable  to  realize,  and  sink 
into  obscurity,  or  remain  throughout  life  only  brilliant 
school-boys.  The  height  of  Daviess's  reputation  was  not 
at  all  disproportionate  to  the  capacity  of  its  base,  and 
though  it  had  risen  "  like  an  exhalation,"  it  stood  the  test 
of  time,  and  only  grew  higher  with  each  succeeding  year  of 
his  life. 

The  incident  which  gave  him  his  first  prominence  strong- 
ly illustrated  not  only  his  ability,  but  also  his  benevolence 
and  love  of  justice.  Instead  of  "riding  the  circuit,"  like 
most  of  his  brethren,  it  was  his  custom  to  shoulder  his  rifle 
and  range  the  woods  between  the  different  shire  towns,  and 
he  often  appeared  in  court  in  his  sporting  costume,  consist- 
ing of  deer -skin  leggins,  linsey  hunting -shirt,  and  coon- 
skin  cap.  He  thus  contrived  to  combine  his  favorite  recre- 
ation of  hunting  with  the  performance  of  his  professional 
duties.  It  was  on  one  of  these  journeys  that  the  incident 
alluded  to  occurred.  A  poor  young  fellow  had,  while 
wandering  through  the  country,  been  arrested  and  taken 
before  a  magistrate  on  a  charge  of  horse-stealing — a  charge 
at  that  time  almost  equivalent  to  a  death-warrant.  The 
scene  of  the  trial  was  one  of  those  log  school-houses  which 
we  have  mentioned,  situated  in  the  woods.  His  honor  had 
taken  his  seat  on  the  top  of  a  desk,  clothed  with  all  the 
majesty  of  the  law,  and  prepared,  at  the  proper  time,  to  de- 


LISTING UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA TES.  263 

liver  an  impressive  address  to  the  convict  on  the  enormity 
of  stealing  in  general,  and  of  horse-stealing  in  particular. 
The  small  room  was  filled  with  an  eager  crowd,  whose 
feelings,  unreservedly  expressed,  were  by  no  means  favor- 
able to  the  prisoner.  The  constable  having  opened  the 
court  with  much  formality,  his  honor  proceeded  to  read  the 
warrant  of  arrest,  wherein  the  prisoner,  was  accused  of  do- 
ing so  many  unheard-of  things  to  John  Styles's  horse — 
stealing,  abducting,  eloigning,  and  removing — that  the  feel- 
ings of  the  rustic  audience  were  wrought  up  to  the  highest 
pitch  of  rage  against  so  hardened  an  offender.  This  inter- 
val the  poor  wretch  spent  in  looking  pitifully  around,  to 
see  if  he  might  disQOver  one  friendly  face  amid  so  many 
enemies.  But  the  only  person  who  did  not  seem  to  dis- 
play any  active  hostility  was  a  tall,  stalwart  backwoods- 
man, in  hunting-shirt  and  coon-skin  cap,  who  had  just  en- 
tered, and  stood  leaning  on  his  rifle  at  the  back  part  of  the 
room,  looking  on  with  a  sort  of  indifferent  curiosity.  He, 
too,  was  evidently  a  stranger  to  all  present.  The  prose- 
cutor, having  announced  himself  ready,  proceeded  to  the 
production  of  his  evidence,  which  was;  indeed,  overwhelm- 
ing. The  testimony  of  the  last  witness  especially — a  big, 
double-fisted,  loud-voiced  bully — was  so  minute  and  cir- 
cumstantial as  to  admit  of  no  reply.  The  prisoner  was 
then,  as  a  mere  matter  of  form,  asked  if  he  had  any  testi- 
mony to  offer  or  any  questions  to  ask.  He  made  two  or 
three  timid  efforts  to  frame  some  awkward  interrogatories 
by  which  to  break,  if  possible,  the  net  which  he  felt  to  be 
closing  around  him,  but  the  loud  and  facetious  replies  of 
the  witness  completely  subdued  him,  and  he  was  about  to 
give  up,  and  submit  to  his  fate  in  silence.  But  just  then 
the  tall  backwoodsman  suddenly  set  aside  his  rifle,  strode 
into  the  presence  of  the  court,  and  placing  himself  directly 
in  front  "of  the  big  witness,  asked  a  few  questions  in  a 


264  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


sharp,  peremptory  tone,  that  completely  upset  that  individ- 
ual's confidence,  and  at  once  gave  a  glimpse  of  the  false- 
hoods he  had  been  detailing.  This  unlooked-for  change  in 
affairs  threw  the  whole  court  into  a  hubbub.  The  prose- 
cuting attorney  hastened  to  protect  his  witness ;  the  latter 
strove  to  cover  his  fright  and  confusion  by  loud  and  threat- 
ening bluster.  At  last  his  honor,  who  did  not  like  to  lose 
both  his  chance  of  sentencing  a  horse-thief  and  of  making 
an  edifying  speech,  recovered  himself  sufficiently  to  in- 
quire, "  I  say,  stranger,  and  what  mought  your  name  be?" 
"  I  am  Joseph  Hamilton  Daviess,"  replied  the  stranger.  At 
this  announcement  the  judge  instantly  subsided,  a  blank 
look  of  dismay  usurped  the  faces  of  th£  prosecutor  and  his 
witnesses,  while  one  of  triumph  lit  up  the  dejected  counte- 
nance of  the  accused.  His  innocence  was  soon  clearly 
proven,  and  in  a  short  time  he  left  the  room  not  only  un- 
convicted,  but  cleared  of  even  the  suspicion  of  being  a 
horse-thief — at  that  time  the  least  tolerated  of  all  criminals. 
It  appeared  that  this  young  man  was  really  an  honest  la- 
borer, who,  in  trying  to  make  his  way  on  foot  to  his  rela- 
tions in  a  distant  county,  had  strayed  into  the  neighbor- 
hood, where  he  was  arrested.  Daviess  refused  to  receive 
any  part  of  his  little  pittance,  well  content  with  the  reward 
of  his  own  feelings,  and  the  two  trudged  off  together  to- 
ward the  next  town,  mutually  pleased  with  each  other's 
company.  The  client,  however,  insisted  on  carrying  the 
gun  and  accoutrements  of  his  protector.  Daviess  often  de- 
clared that  he  was  never  better  paid  in  his  life  than  by  the 
simple  gratitude  of  this  young  stranger. 

It  may  not  be  generally  known  that  Daviess  was  the 
first  "Western  lawyer  who  ever  appeared  in  the  Supreme 
Court  of  the  United  States.  He  had  somehow  become  in- 
terested in  a  large  tract  of  country  lying  in  the  "  Green 
Eiver  country,"  the  title  of  which  had  long  been  in  litiga- 


DISTINGUISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCATES.          265 

tion,  and  it  was  agreed  that  he  was  to  receive  one  half  of 
the  tract  provided  he  could  succeed  in  establishing  the 
claim. 

The  fame  of  his  genius  and  eccentricities  had  by  this 
time  become  national ;  but  this  was  to  be  his  first  personal 
appearance  beyond  the  bounds  of  his  own  state,  and  he 
seems  to  have  determined  that  it  should  be  marked  both 
by  the  most  splendid  exhibition  of  his  intellectual  powers, 
and  by  the  most  glaring  display  of  his  eccentricity. 

His  entrance  into  the  federal  capital,  as  described  by  an 
eye-witness  of  the  spectacle,  must  have  been  worth  behold- 
ing. On  foot,  dressed  in  an  old  pair  of  corduroys,  ripped 
at  the  ankle  for  convenience  of  "  rolling  up,"  with  a  thread- 
bare drab  over-coat  hanging  to  his  heels,  and  furnished  with 
innumerable  capes  of  various  sizes;  with  shoes  dilapidated, 
muddy,  and  destitute  of  strings  or  buckles  (a  constant  habit 
with  him),  and  a  hat  to  match — fancy  this  stalwart  figure, 
six  feet  high,  stalking  solemnly  through  the  street,  looking 
neither  to  the  right  nor  the  left,  leading  by  the  bridle  a  lit- 
tle, black,  rough-haired  filly,  her  tail  matted  into  the  like- 
ness of  a  club  with  cockle-burrs.  Over  the  saddle  was 
hung  a  small  wallet,  containing,  as  afterward  appeared,  pa- 
pers, and  a  provision  of  gingerbread  and  cheese.  Such  was 
the  trim  in  which  Joseph  Hamilton  Daviess  presented  him- 
self for  the  first  time  to  the  eyes  of  the  denizens  of  Wash- 
ington. Few  who  beheld  this  strange  figure  pass  by  could 
have  imagined  that  the  brain  under  that  "shocking  hat" 
was  laboring  with  thoughts  the  eloquence  and  power  of 
which  would  in  a  few  hours  astonish  the  most  learned  tri- 
bunal of  the  land. 

Putting  up  his  mare  at  an  obscure  tavern,  the  stranger 
relieved  himself  of  his  great-coat,  when  he  appeared  in  a 
short  gray  linsey  roundabout,  into  one  pocket  of  which  he 
transferred  from  his  wallet  a  quantity  o*f  bread  and  cheese, 


266  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


while  the  other  received  a  bundle  of  papers,  tied  with  a 
blue  yarn  string.  Thus  equipped,  he  issued  forth  into  the 
street  again,  the  observed  of  all  negroes  and  idle  boys.  Ar- 
riving, as  if  by  chance,  in  front  of  the  building  in  which 
the  Supreme  Court  was  holding  its  sittings,  he  lounged  into 
the  bar  and  took  a  seat,  not  ceasing  even  in  that  august 
presence  to  regale  himself  from  the  store  in  his  roundabout 
pocket.  Unknown  to  all — taking,  as  it  seemed,  no  particu- 
lar notice  of  any  thing  (yet  in  reality,  as  soon  appeared, 
watching  every  thing  with  the  eye  of  a  lynx),  he  passed,  as 
he  had  done  in  the  street,  for  some  awkward  countryman 
on  his  first  visit  to  the  city. 

The  case  in  which  he  was  employed  was  soon  called,  and 
Mr.  Taylor,  of  Virginia,  the  leading  lawyer  on  the  other 
side,  arose  to  speak.  He  seemed  to  be  advancing  swim- 
mingly in  his  statement  of  facts  preparatory  to  beginning 
his  argument,  when  all  at  once  the  stranger  ceased  eating, 
listened  earnestly  for  a  moment,  then  tapped  him  on  the 
back,  and  very  quietly  corrected  him  on  some  point  of  his 
statement.  Taylor  stopped,  turned  round,  and  looked  at 
him  an  instant  without  replying,  and  recommenced  his  re- 
marks, taking  no  farther  notice  of  the  interruption.  Daviess 
resumed  his  eating  amid  the  smiles  of  the  bar  and  audience. 
In  a  few  minutes  he  again  tapped  the  speaker  and  made 
another  correction.  This  was  repeated  a  third  time,  when 
Taylor,  becoming  irritated  at  the  interruption,  begged  the 
court  to  protect  him  from  the  impertinences  of  "  that  per- 
son." Judge  Marshall,  always  exceedingly  lenient,  and 
supposing  now  that  he  saw  before  him  some  Kentucky 
backwoodsman  come  to  see  the  progress  of  his  case,  and,  if 
things  did  not  exactly  suit  him,  to  take  it  out  of  the  hands 
of  his  attorneys — as  lawyers  know  backwoodsmen  will 
sometimes  do — replied  that  the  gentleman  was,  he  sup- 
posed, one  of  the  parties  to  the  action ;  as  such  he  had  a 


DISTING  UISHED  AMERICAN  ADVOCA  TES.  267 

right  to  be  heard,  and  that  his  corrections  seemed  very  just, 
though  irregularly  made.  But  he  advised  the  stranger  to 
leave  his  cause  in  the  hands  of  his  counsel,  one  of  whom 
was  present  in  court.  Daviess's  colleague  had  by  this  time 
got  a  hint  as  to  who  his  strange  ally  really  was,  and,  to  hu- 
mor the  joke,  kept  silence. 

Taylor  finished  his  argument — one  of  great  power  and 
ingenuity — and  sat  down,  not,  as  may  be  supposed,  in  the 
best  of  humors.  Then,  to  the  amazement  of  all,  the  stran- 
ger arose,  and,  throwing  aside  all  oddity  of  manner,  began 
a  speech  so  clear,  so  forcible  in  its  compact  logic,  and  so 
masterly  in  its  exposition  of  his  adversary's  weak  points, 
that  the  gentleman,  though  well  accustomed  to  the  conflicts 
of  the  forum,  seemed  completely  paralyzed,  and  sat  like  one 
overwhelmed  by  some  sudden  and  unavertable  calamity. 
It  is  said  the  sweat  stood  in  large  drops  on  his  face  as  he 
listened  to  that  crushing  reply.  The  man  whom  he  had 
regarded  only  as  an  ignorant  or  crazy  rustic  had  all  at  once 
towered  up  before  him  into  the  proportions  of  a  giant,  and 
it  is  no  wonder  if  he  was  confounded  by  so  startling  a  trans- 
formation. 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  271 


CHAPTER  V. 

ANECDOTES  OF  "THE  WESTERN  BAR." 

"  THE  Western  Bar"  has  come  to  be  a  distinctive  title 
with  the  legal  profession,  and  is,  indeed,  universally  used 
to  designate  that  class  of  lawyers  who  are  popularly  sup- 
posed to  know  more  about  the  practices  of  Colonel  Bowie 
than  of  those  of  Counselor  Chitty,  and  are  better  versed  in 
"  Colt  on  Revolvers"  than  "  Coke  on  Common  Law."  All 
the  peculiar  eloquence  which  is  odd  and  unique  in  con- 
ception and  bombastic  in  style  is  credited  to  "the  Western 
bar."  Davy  Crockett  is,  in  the  popular  mind,  the  model 
"  Western"  lawyer  and  orator.  All  Western  lawyers  brow- 
beat the  jury  as  well  as  the  witnesses,  and  all  cases  end  in 
free  fights  and  bloody  noses.  Comic  annalists  have  igno- 
rantly  attempted  to  localize  this  peculiar  style,  and  the  pop- 
ular mind  generally  believes  "  the  Western  bar"  to  be  the 
bar  of  the  Western  and  Southwestern  States,  forgetting  all 
about  the  existence  of  that  despotic  and  uncourteous  old 
wretch,  Lord  Thurlow,  and  the  bombastic,  and  ignorant, 
and  insulting  Jeffreys.  So  general  is  the  impression  that 
the  bar  of  the  Western  States  is  characterized  by  the  igno- 
rance and  bombast  displayed  in  the  stereotyped  stories  told 
of  its  judges  and  counselors,  that  the  real  characters  of 
such  men  as  Henry  Clay,  Thomas  H.  Benton,  Sargent  S. 
Prentiss,  Tom  Corwin,  and  even  Abraham  Lincoln,  have 
been  misunderstood,  and  never,  perhaps,  fully  appreciated. 
The  genius  which  taught  them  to  lower  themselves  to  the 
intellectual  level  of  their  matter-of-fact  audiences  is  fre- 
quently mistaken  for  ignorance.  The  style  of  "  the  West- 


272  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


era  bar"  has  been  peculiar  to  all  ages  and  all  countries,  and 
the  title  should  henceforth  be  accepted  in  a  more  cosmopoli- 
tan and  catholic  sense.  The  title,  as  used  in  the  present  in- 
stance and  in  this  book,  is  intended  to  be  taken  in  its  fig- 
urative sense.  The  examples  quoted  are  illustrative  of  the 
legal  wisdom  of  all  countries,  and  the  stories  told  are,  in 
many  instances,  freely  acknowledged  to  be  apocryphal. 


LEGAL  AND   POLITICAL   QUALIFICATIONS. 

About  a  dozen  years  ago  Governor  Y and  Judge 

W were  candidates  for  Congress  in  one  of  the  wildest 

of  the  Arkansas  districts.  They  were  both  far-sighted, 
shrewd  politicians — the  judge  the  better  lawyer  and  de- 
bater ;  the  governor  by  far  the  more  winning  in  his  man- 
ners, as  the  sequel  will  fully  establish.  One  hot  day  in 
July,  while  they  were  traveling  together  on  the  canvass, 
they  came  upon  a  party  of  twenty  men  or  more,  assembled 
on  the  road-side  for  the  purpose  of  having  a  shooting- 
match.  Thinking  it  a  good  time  and  place  for  presenting 
their  respective  claims,  the  governor  proposed  stopping. 
They  halted,  and  the  governor  soon  made  himself  at  home. 
He  bought  a  number  of  chances  in  the  "  match,"  and,  being 
a  good  marksman,  succeeded  well,  winning  quite  a  quanti- 
ty of  beef,  which  constituted  the  prize.  The  judge  had 
conscientious  scruples  as  to  shooting-matches,  and  did  not 
participate,  but  stood  by  conversing  with  the  more  sober 
of  the  crowd,  while  his  friend,  the  governor,  was  in  high 
glee  with  his  companions  over  their  beef.  When  the  beef 
was  given  out  to  the  successful  shooters,  our  governor  or- 
dered his  to  be  divided  among  some  poor  widows,  who  he 
ascertained  lived  in  the  vicinity,  and  then  asked  the  b'hoys 
if  they  were  not  "  dry."  Of  course  they  were,  and  the 
governor  generously  ordered  a  plentiful  supply  of  the  "oh 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  273 

be  joyful !"  Ilere  again  the  judge  had  scruples,  and  did 
not  participate ;  but,  had  it  been  otherwise,  it  would  have 
availed  nothing.  The  governor  was  decidedly  the  man  at 
the  shooting-match,  while  the  judge  felt  himself  emphatic- 
ally in  the  vocative.  Leaving  their  friends,  they  proceed- 
ed on  their  way  some  twelve  or  fifteen  miles,  and  halted  at 
a  camp-ground  where  the  annual  camp-meeting  was  being 
held.  They  separated  in  the  crowd,  each  electioneering 
with  all  his  might  with  old  and  young,  friends  and  stran- 
gers— making  hay  while  the  sun  shone — for  there  was  in- 
deed a  fine  opening.  Toward  night  the  judge  began  to 
look  round  for  his  distinguished  opponent,  but  could  find 
him  nowhere.  He  waited  patiently  till  evening  services 
began,  and  concluded  he  would  go  to  the  large  shed  where 
the  people  had  assembled  for  meeting,  thinking  perhaps  he 
might  meet  his  friend.  On  going  out,  what  was  his  aston- 
ishment to  find  the  gallant  governor,  the  hero  of  the  shoot- 
ing-match, in  front  of  the  altar,  surrounded  by  ministers 
and  class  -  leaders,  with  a  hymn-book  in  his  hand,  head 
thrown  back,  singing  as  loud  as  his  lungs  would  permit, 

"How  firm  a  foundation,  ye  saints  of  the  Lord." 

"From  that  moment,"  said  the  judge,  "I  gave  up  all 
hopes.  I  tell  you  a  man  that's  good  for  a  camp-meeting 
and  a  shooting-match  can't  be  beat  for  Congress ;  it  can't 
be  done,  sir  I" 

And  so  it  proved. 


A  STUBBORN  JURY. 

Colonel  M ,  living  in  Washington  County,  Maine, 

had  a  great  aptitude  for  serving  as  a  juror.    When  thus 
serving,  he  had  a  very  great  anxiety  that  his  opinion  should 

be  largely  consulted  upon  a  verdict.    Some  years  ago,  while 

S 


274  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


upon  a  case,  after  many  hours'  trial  to  agree,  but  failing, 
he  marshaled  the  delinquent  jury  from  the  room  to  their 
seats  in  the  court,  where  the  impatient  crowd  awaited  the 
result  of  the  trial. 

"  Have  you  agreed  upon  a  verdict  ?"  inquired  the  clerk. 

Colonel  M arose,  turned  a  withering  glance  upon  his 

brother  jurors,  and  exclaimed, 

"  May  it  please  the  court,  we  have  not.  I  have  done  the 
best  I  could  do,  but  here  are  eleven  of  the  most  contrary 
devils  I  ever  had  any  dealing  with." 


COURTESY  EXTRAORDINARY  TO  A  CRIMINAL. 

The  following  incident  is  said  to  have  happened  in  the 
Recorder's  Court  in  Chicago : 

One  day  a  prisoner  was  on  trial  for  grand  larceny,  the 
jury  duly  impanneled,  and  the  case  proceeded  with,  when 
the  hour  of  adjournment  for  dinner  arrived,  and  the  court 
was  duly  adjourned.  The  officers  who  had  charge  of  the 
prisoner  hurried  off,  with  those  that  were  in  attendance,  to 
dinner,  leaving  the  prisoner  and  the  clerk  (Phil  Hoyne)  in 
the  court-room.  The  clerk  at  the  time  being  busy  in  mak- 
ing out  some  subpoenas  or  other  process,  the  prisoner,  after 
waiting  a  moment,  asked  the  clerk  what  he  was  to  do. 

"  Why,  go  to  dinner,  and  come  back  at  two  o'clock,"  says 
the  clerk,  without  looking  up  from  what  he  was  engaged 
upon.  Two  o'clock  came,  and  with  it  the  judge,  clerk,  ju- 
rors, and  by-standers,  all  except  the  prisoner. 

"Where's  the  prisoner?"  asked  the  judge. 

"  In  jail,"  says  the  officer  who  had  him  in  charge  in  the 
morning;  but,  upon  searching  the  jail,  he  was  missing. 
Phil's  round  face  beamed  with  intelligence  about  this  time, 
and  he  stated  to  Judge  Wilson  what  had  taken  place,  and 
"  supposed  the  prisoner  was  still  at  dinner." 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  275 

"Yes,  I  suppose  so  too,"  said  the  judge;  "if  he  is  not, 
you  might  possibly  find  him  in  New  York,  at  the  Astor  or 
St  Nicholas,  at  dinner,  about  the  day  after  to-morrow.  Call 
the  next  case,  Mr.  Clerk ;  we  can't  wait  for  that  prisoner." 


A  POLITE  JUDGE  AND  WILLING  CRIMINAL. 

Governor  Ford,  of  Illinois,  tells  a  very  rich  anecdote  of 
one  of  the  early  judges  of  that  state,  but  unhappily  the 
governor  does  not  put  upon  record  the  name  of  the  sensi- 
tive and  considerate  magistrate. 

At  the  court  over  which  this  judge  presided  a  man  by 
the  name  of  Green  was  convicted  of  murder,  and  the  judge 
was  obliged  to  pass  sentence  of  death  upon  the  culprit 
Calling  on  the  prisoner  to  rise,  the  judge  said  to  him, 

"  Mr.  Green,  the  jury  say  you  are  guilty  of  murder,  and 
the  law  says  you  are  to  be  hung.  I  want  you,  and  all  your 
friends  down  on  Indian  Creek,  to  know  that  it  is  not  I  who 
condemn  you ;  it  is  the  jury  and  the  law.  Mr.  Green,  at 
what  time,  sir,  would  you  like  to  be  hung  ?  The  law  al- 
lows you  time  for  preparation." 

The  prisoner  replied,  "  May  it  please  your  honor,  I  am 
ready  at  any  time.  Those  who  kill  the  body  have  no  pow- 
er to  kill  the  soul.  My  preparation  is  made,  and  you  can 
fix  the  time  to  suit  yourself;  it  is  all  the  same  to  me,  sir." 

"Mr. Green,"  returned  the  judge,  "it  is  a  very  serious 
matter  to  be  hung ;  it  can't  happen  to  a  man  but  once  in 
his  life,  unless  the  rope  should  break  before  his  neck  is 
broke,  and  you  had  better  take  all  the  time  you  can  get 
Mr.  Clerk,  since  it  makes  no  difference  to  Mr.  Green  when 
he  is  hung,  just  look  into  the  almanac,  and  see  whether  this 
day  four  weeks  comes  on  Sunday." 

The  clerk  looked  as  he  was  directed,  and  reported  that 
that  day  four  weeks  came  on  Thursday. 


276  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"  Then,"  said  the  judge,  "  Mr.  Green,  if  you  please,  you 
will  be  hung  this  day  four  weeks,  at  twelve  o'clock." 

The  attorney  general,  James  Turney,  Esq.,  here  inter- 
posed and  said, 

"  May  it  please  the  court,  on  occasions  of  this  sort  it  is 
usual  for  courts  to  pronounce  a  formal  sentence,  to  remind 
the  prisoner  of  his  perilous  condition,  to  reprove  him  for 
his  guilt,  and  to  warn  him  against  the  judgment  in  the 
world  to  come." 

"Oh,  Mr.  Turney,"  said  the  judge,  "Mr.  Green  under- 
stands the  whole  matter ;  he  knows  he  has  got  to  be  hung. 
You  understand  it,  Mr.  Green,  don't  you  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  prisoner. 

"  Mr.  Sheriff,  adjourn  the  court." 

Four  weeks  from  that  day  Mr.  Green  was  hung,  but  not 
so  much  to  his  own  satisfaction  as  his  appearance  promised 
on  the  day  of  his  conviction. 


A  GIANT  DISCOMFITED. 

The  late  talented  but  eccentric  Judge  M ,  of  Missis- 
sippi, was  making  a  speech  to  a  large  crowd  in  1840  in 
behalf  of  "  Tippecanoe  and  Tyler  too,"  when  the  following 
incident  took  place,  much  to  the  discomfiture  of  one  of  the 
parties : 

General  L ,  a  distinguished  captain  in  his  day,  had 

made  a  very  violent  speech  against  General  Harrison,  and 
had  accused  him  of  cowardice  in  the  battle  of  Tippecanoe 
— which  battle,  by-the-way,  had  given  to  General  Harrison 
the  well-known  sobriquet  of  "  Old  Tippecanoe."  In  or- 
der to  disprove  this  charge,  coming  as  it  did  from  such  high 

authority,  Judge  M reviewed,  in  a  masterly  manner, 

the  plan  and  order  of  that  famous  battle,  and  showed  con- 
clusively that  the  opinion  of  the  general  was  entirely  un- 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  277 

founded.  He  took  particular  pains  to  paint  to  the  eye  of 
his  vast  audience  where  General  Harrison  stood,  what 
were  his  movements,  and  what  his  orders;  at  what  point 
stood  the  gallant  Daviess,  and  where  he  received  his  death- 
wound  ;  at  what  point  the  enemy  made  their  most  deadly 
attack,  and  how  and  where  they  were  repulsed ;  at  what 
point  the  clarion  voice  of  the  general  gave  confidence  to 
the  troops,  and  caused  them  to  regain  their  confidence  in 
the  deadly  fight.  After  dwelling  upon  all  the  stirring  in- 
cidents of  the  battle,  and  depicting  the  glories  of  the  tri- 
umphant victory,  he  asked  the  audience,  in  a  high  and  in- 
dignant key,  "  if  there  was  a  man  in  the  sound  of  his  voice 
who,  after  hearing  this  vindication  of  General  Harrison, 
could  for  one  moment  believe  that  the  noble  old  hero  of 
Tippecanoe  acted  cowardly  on  that  glorious  occasion  ?  I 
repeat,"  said  the  judge,  "  is  there  a  man  in  this  vast  crowd 
who  has  the  hardihood,  after  all  I  have  said,  to  declare  that 
General  Harrison,  the  renowned  warrior  and  statesman, 
was  a  coward  in  the  battle  of  Tippecanoe  ?" 

A  voice  from  the  outskirts  of  the  crowd  cried,  in  thun- 
der tones,  "  I  say  it !" 

"Who  are  you?"  said  the  judge.  "Stand  up,  and  let 
me  see  you.  I  wish  to  let  the  crowd  see  what  sort  of  a 
man  you  are !" 

The  crowd  around  the  person  who  had  thus  created  a 
sensation  so  thrilling  literally  pushed  him  up,  so  that  all 
could  see  him.  While  standing  upon  the  bench  opposite 
the  judge  he  proved  to  be  almost  a  giant  in  size,  fully  equal 
to  the  judge,  who,  like  Saul,  was  %  head  and  shoulders  tall- 
er than  his  tribe.  The  judge  gazed  upon  the  bold  intruder 
with  magnificent  disdain.  It  seemed  as  though  he  was  try- 
ing to  blast  him  with  a  look,  the  crowd  meantime  looking 
on  with  intense  interest,  and  wondering  how  it  would 
end. 


278  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Are  you  the  man,"  said  the  judge,  "  who  says  General 
Harrison  acted  cowardly  at  the  battle  of  Tippecanoe  ?" 

"  I  am !"  said  the  man,  in  tones  both  loud  and  bold. 

"Upon  what  grounds  do  you  have  the  brazen  impu- 
dence to  make  the  charge?"  said  the  judge,  in  a  higher  and 
loftier  key. 

"  Because  I  was  there  and  saw  him,"  said  the  man. 

The  judge  looked  at  him  with  scorn,  and  cried,  "  Do  you 
say  you  were  at  the  battle  of  Tippecanoe?" 

"  I  do !"  said  the  man. 

The  judge  raised  himself  on  tip-toe,  elevated  both  arms 
above  his  head,  and  thundered  forth  in  the  voice  of  Sten- 
tor,  "  You're  a  liar !  for  if  you  had  been  there  Fd  have  seen 
youT 

The  big  fellow  dropped  from  the  bench  on  which  he  was 
standing  as  suddenly  as  though  he  had  been  shot  through 
the  heart.  The  vast  crowd  yelled  with  delight  at  his  dis- 
comfiture. The  bold  assertion  of  the  judge  overthrew  the 
slanderer,  and  the  people  rejoiced.  He  not  only  made  the 
Goliah  of  the  base  falsehood  believe  that  he  had  been  in 
the  battle,  but  the  crowd  too,  when  nothing  was  farther 
from  the  truth.  He  knew  the  intruder  was  gasing,  and  he 
went  a  stone's  throw  beyond  him,  and  beat  him  at  his  own 
game. 


HARD   OF  COMPREHENSION. 

Judge  G ,  of  Georgia,  was  very  Democratic,  both  in 

politics  and  religion,  and  especially  so  in  the  latter.  Sev- 
eral years  ago  he  was  in  attendance  on  the  Superior  Court. 
The  Presbyterians  of  the  place,  headed  by  their  zealous 
and  energetic  minister,  were  at  that  time  actively  engaged 
in  an  effort  to  build  a  new  house  of  worship.  The  Eev. 
Mr.  Collins  was  zealously  enlisted  in  the  good  cause,  and 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS. 


never  let  an  opportunity  slip  without  presenting  his  sub- 
scription-list to  all  whom  he  might  meet.  One  day,  when 
court  adjourned,  as  the  judge  was  passing  out  of  the  court- 
,  house  door,  the  reverend  gentleman  touched  him  on  the 
shoulder  and  asked  him  to  step  aside  with  him  a  moment, 
when  the  following  colloquy  took  place : 

"  This  is  Judge  G ,  I  believe?"  said  Mr.  Collins. 

"  It  is,"  said  the  judge. 

"  We  are  engaged,"  said  Mr.  C.,  "in  endeavoring  to  build 
us  a  new  house  of  worship.  Perhaps  this  (handing  the 
judge  his  subscription-list)  will  inform  you  of  my  object 
better  than  I  can  tell  you." 

Here  the  judge  looked  very  professional,  took  out  his 
spectacles,  examined  the  heading  of  the  list  very  critically, 
and  for  a  moment  seemed  engaged  in  profound  thought; 
then  turning  to  the  expectant  parson,  the  judge,  with  a  sly 
twinkle  of  the  eye  and  the  blandest  smile  imaginable,  re- 
marked, "that  will  bind  them,  sir — that  will  bind  them;  no 
doubt  about  it — that  will  bind  them." 

This  took  the  reverend  gentleman  a  little  aback.  But 
rallying  again,  he  renewed  the  attack  in  the  following  style : 

"  But,  judge,  you  don't  understand  me ;.  I  want  you  to 
help  us.  We  are  going  to  raise — " 

"Ah!"  said  the  judge,  "you  are  going  to  have  a  rais- 
ing— a  house-raising,  are  you  ?  Well,  just  let  me  know 
when  it  is,  and  I  will  send  up  three  or  four  hands  with 
pleasure." 

Here  Mr.  C.'s  countenance  exhibited  a  good  deal  of  dis- 
gust, and  he  appeared  to  be  perfectly  bewildered  at  what 
seemed  the  judge's  stupidity.  "Why,"  said  he,  "judge, 
it's  a  brick  house  we  want." 

"A  brick  house,  is  it?"  said  the  judge  ;  "a  brick  house? 
Won't  a  log  house  do  as  well  ?  Several  years  ago  we  built 
a  log  house  in  our  community  for  religious  purposes — some 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


cut  the  logs — some  hewed  them — some  split  the  boards — 
some  raised  the  house — and  some  covered  it — and  the  Lord 
has  never  made  any  complaint  against  it  yet  If  you  build 
a  log  house,  and  the  Lord  complains,  I'll  head  your  sub-, 
scription-list  for  a  brick  one." 
The  parson  gave  in  and  left. 


CITING  EXTRAORDINARY  AUTHORITIES. 

Judge  Williamson,  or  "  Three-legged  Willie,"  as  he  was 
familiarly  called,  was  one  of  the  early  judges  of  Texas.  In 
his  court  a  lawyer  by  the  name  of  Charlton  started  a  point 
of  law,  and  the  court  refused  to  admit  the  counsel's  state- 
ment as  sufficient  proof. 

"  Your  law,  sir,"  said  the  judge ;  "  give  us  the  book  and 
page,  sir." 

"  This  is  my  law,  sir,"  said  Charlton,  pulling  out  a  pistol, 
"  and  this,  sir,  is  my  book,"  drawing  a  bowie-knife,  "  and 
that  is  the  page,"  pointing  the  pistol  toward  the  court. 

"  Your  law  is  not  good,  sir,"  said  the  unruffled  judge ; 
" the  proper  authority  is  Colt  on  Revolvers"  and  he  brought 
a  six-shooter  instantly  to  bear  on  the  head  of  the  counsel, 
who  dodged  the  point  of  the  argument  and  turned  to  the  jury. 

On  another  occasion  this  same  judge  concluded  the  trial 
of  a  man  for  murder  by  sentencing  him  to  be  hung  that 
very  day.  A  petition  was  immediately  signed  by  the  bar, 
jury,  and  people,  praying  that  longer  time  might  be  grant- 
ed the  poor  prisoner. 

The  judge  replied  to  the  petition  "  that  the  man  had 
been  found  guilty,  the  jail  was  very  unsafe,  and  besides,  it 
was  so  very  uncomfortable  that  he  did  not  think  any  man 
ought  to  be  required  to  stay  in  it  any  longer  than  was 
necessary." 

The  man  was  hung ! 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  281 


TEST   OF   INTELLIGENCE   IN  WESTERN  WITNESSES  AND 
LAWYERS. 

"  William,  look  up.  Tell  us,  "William,  who  made  you. 
Do  you  know  ?" 

William,  who  was  considered  a  fool,  screwed  up  his  face, 
and  looked  thoughtful  and  somewhat  bewildered,  slowly 
answered, 

"  Moses,  I  sposes." 

"That  will  do,"  said  Counselor  Gray,  addressing  the 
court;  "the  witness  says  he  supposes  Moses  made  him. 
That  certainly  is  an  intelligent  answer — more  than  I  sup- 
posed him  capable  of  giving,  for  it  shows  that  he  has  some 
faint  idea  of  £cripture ;  but  I  must  submit  that.it  is  not 
sufficient  to  entitle  him  to  be  sworn  in  as  a  witness  capable 
of  giving  evidence." 

"  Mr.  Judge,"  said  the  opposing  lawyer,  "may  I  ax  the 
counsel  a  question  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  judge. 

"  Wai,  then,  Mr.  Gray,  who  d'ye  spose  made  you?" 

"  Aaron,  I  spose,"  said  Counselor  Gray,  imitating  the  wit- 
ness. 

After  the  mirth  had  somewhat  subsided,  the  questioner 
drawled  out, 

"We  do  read  in  the  good  book  that  Aaron  once  made 
a  calf,  but  who'd  a  thought  the  darned  critter  had  got  in 
here?" 

The  judge  ordered  the  man  to  be  sworn. 


DRY  HUMOR  OF  A  MISSISSIPPI  LAWYER. 

The  following  incident  happened  some  years  ago  in  the 
Federal  Court  at  Jackson,  Mississippi : 

Judge  T was  celebrated  for  his  dry  and  caustic  hu- 


282  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


mor.  He  was  the  softest  talking  man  in  the  world,  and 
the  meekest  in  appearance,  but  he  had  the  courage  and 
the  voice  of  a  lion.  On  the  trial  of  a  case  before  Judges 

M'K and  G ,  Judge  T was  the  plaintiff's 

counsel.  The  suit  was  brought  on  a  note  for  one  thou- 
sand dollars,  to  which  an  offset  of  three  hundred  dollars  for 
the  value  of  a  horse  was  pleaded.  The  jury  allowed  the 

offset.  When  the  verdict  was  read,  Judge  T arose, 

and  in  his  fullest,  softest  manner,  addressed  the  court  as  fol- 
lows: 

"May  it  please  your  honors,  I  gave  the  plaintiff  a  re- 
ceipt for  a  note  of  one  thousand  dollars,  and  he  expected 
me  to  obtain  a  judgment  for  that  amount  and  the  interest, 
and  I  apprehend  that  when  my  client  comes,  to  settle  with 
me  I  may  have  difficulty  with  him." 

Judge  M1K .  "The  verdict  will  protect  you  from 

liability." 

T .  "  But,  if  your  honors  please,  the  plaintiff  said 

nothing  to  me  about  a  horse  being  in  this  case ;  and  as  he 
is  a  very. honest  though  strict  man,  he  must  have  forgotten 
about  the  horse — or  there  may  be  some  mistake  about  it. 
I  wish  something  to  appear  on  the  record  to  show  how  it 
happened  that  a  verdict  could  be  rendered  for  a  less 
amount  than  the  demand  of  the  plaintiff." 

Judge.  "The  court  can  see  no  farther  action  which  it 
can  take  in  the  premises,  but  allows  counsel  to  make  any 
suggestion  which  may  occur  to  him." 

1 .  "  I  humbly  and  sincerely  thank  your  honor,  and 

will  suggest  that  Mr.  George  W.  M ,  the  clerk  of  this 

court,  is  very  skillful  in  the  use  of  his  pen  and  pencil,  and 
eminently  skillful  in  drawing  the  pictures  of  horses  and 
other  animals,  and  I  request  the  court  to  direct  said 

M to  draw  the  picture  of  a  horse  as  near  like  the  one 

described  by  the  witnesses  as  he  can,  and  attach  the  same 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  283 

to  the  declaration  in  this  suit,  where  it  will  stand  as  a  per- 
petual memorial  of  this  transaction,  and  will  remind  the 
plaintiff  of  that  part  of  it  which  he  seems  to  have  over- 
looked or  forgotten." 


BLACKSTONE   IN  THE   SHADE. 

A  young  lawyer  in  Arkansas  was  arguing  a  case  before 
a  judge  whose  self-conceit  was  in  inverse  proportion  to  his 
knowledge  of  the  law.  The  counsel  offered  to  quote  Black- 
stone,  and  proceeded  to  read  from  him,  when  the  court  or- 
dered him  to  desist,  adding,  "  It  is  presumed,  sir,  that  this 
court  knows  the  law,  and  it  will  not  be  dictated  to  with 
impunity.  If  such  an  infringment  be  made  again  on  the 
dignity  of  this  court,  it  will  immediately  order  the  offender 
to  jail." 

The  lawyer  quietly  replied, 

"  If  it  please  your  honor,  I  was  just  reading  this  to  show 
what  a  great  fool  Blackstone  was." 


MAKING  THINGS  EQUAL. 

Judge  Dooly,  of  Georgia,  was  a  man  of  undoubted  brav- 
ery as  well  as  waggery.  Once  on  a  time  he  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  offend  Judge  White,  who  wore  one  cork  leg, 
and  challenged  Judge  Dooly  to  mortal  combat. 

The  two  judges  met  on  the  field  at  the  hour  appointed, 
but  Dooly  was  alone.  White  sent  to  ask  where  his  second 
was.  To  this  Judge  Dooly  replied,  "He  has  gone  to  the 
woods  for  a  bit  of  a  hollow  tree  to  put  one  of  my  legs  in, 
that  we  may  be  even." 

The  answer  was  too  much  for  his  opponent;  he  turned 
on  the  only  heel  he  had,  and  left  the  field. 


284  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


JUSTICE   IN  THE  WEST. 

The  following,  told  by  a  member  of  the  Western  Bar,  is 
designed  to  show  how  they  suffer  from  the  combined  mis- 
eries of  an  elective  judiciary,  and  the  payment  of -the  offi- 
cers thereof  by  the  fees  which  they  make.  He  says, 

"  We  have  a  court  in  this  county  called  the  '  Law  Com- 
missioners;' it  is  a  Court  of  Eecord,  the  judge  appointing 
his  own  clerk,  and  receiving  certain  fees  prescribed  by 
statute.  Of  course,  the  larger  business  done  the  more  fees 
made.  Among  other  powers  exercised  by  this  court  is 
that  of  naturalizing  foreigners.  The  judge  is  in  the  habit 
of  stopping  the  trial  of  causes,  and,  indeed,  any  other  busi- 
ness of  the  court,  in  order  to  make  a  citizen,  and  thereby 
earn  a  fee.  A  short  time  since,  while  one  of  our  lawyers 
was  arguing  a  cause,  he  was  stopped  by  the  judge,  who 
wished  to  grant  the  final  paper  of  naturalization.  The  coun- 
sel immediately  addressed  the  court  as  follows:  'Judge, 
you  will  only  make  a  dollar  by  naturalizing  that  man,  and 
I  will  give  you  a  dollar  and  a  quarter  if  you  postpone  him 
and  listen  to  me.'  Whereupon  the  judge  smiled  very 
amiably,  and  did  as  he  was  desired." 


AN  AGGRAVATED  OFFENSE. 

Old  Judge  Cole,  of  Texas,  was  characterized  by  his  at- 
tachment to  that  seductive  beverage  called  "peach  and 
honey,"  and  by  his  hatred  of  whisky  and  whisky-drinkers. 
While  holding  a  court  at  Austin,  two  men  were  brought 
up  on  a  charge  of  a  drunken  affray.  It  was  a  plain  case ; 
the  row  had  occurred  in  the  public  street,  in  open  day,  and 
there  were  fifty  witnesses  to  the  whole  transaction.  So 
the  two  delinquents  pleaded  guilty,  by  the  advice  of  their 
counsel,  and  threw  themselves  on  the  mercy  of  the  court. 
They  were  then  brought  up  for  sentence  separately. 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  285 

"  You  are  guilty  of  an  affray,"  growled  the  judge. 

"Yes,  your  honor,"  whined  the  offender,  thoroughly 
frightened. 

"Drunk,  I  suppose,"  grunted  the  judge. 

"Yes,  your  honor,"  murmured  the  prisoner,  with  some 
faint  hope  that  having  been  drunk  would  mitigate  the  pun- 
ishment. 

"Drunk  on  rye  whisky,  too,  I'll  warrant,"  roared  the 
judge,  in  a  voice  of  thunder. 

"  Yes,  your  honor,  drunk  on  rye  whisky." 

"Mr.  Clerk,  record  a  fine  of  fifty  dollars  against  this 
man,"  cried  the  judge,  "and  send  him  to  jail  for  sixty 
days.  I  shall  fine  the  next  one  who  is  guilty  under  such 
aggravating  circumstances  a  hundred  dollars,  and  send  him 
to  jail  for  six  months." 

This  was  poor  comfort  for  the  unfortunate  fellow  who 
was  waiting  his  turn,  and  now  came  forward  with  fear  and 
trembling.  As  he  passed  along  by  his  lawyer,  that  thought- 
ful gentleman  whispered  in  his  ear, 

"When  the  judge  asks  you  what  you  got  drunk  on,  tell 
him  on  peach  and  honey!" 

He  took  his  stand. 

"You,  too,  are  up  here  for  an  affray,"  growled  the  old 
judge,  gnashing  his  teeth  as  if  he  would  like  to  bite  the 
culprit  at  the  bar. 

"  Yes,  your  honor." 

"  Drunk,  too,  I  suppose  ?" 

"Yes,  your  honor  —  sorry  to  say  it  —  drunk — verj* 
drunk." 

"  Drunk  on  rye  whisky,  too,  I  suppose  ?" 

"Oh  no,  your  honor;  I  never  drink  whisky;  I  got 
drunk  on  peach  and  honey." 

The  judge's  features  relaxed  in  an  instant.  Leaning  for- 
ward and  raising  his  spectacles,  he  contemplated  the  of- 


286  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


fender  with  interest,  and  then,  with  something  like  tender- 
ness, said, 

"  Ah !  sir ;  peach  and  honey,  eh !  That's  a  gentlemanly 
drink,  sir.  The  court  sympathizes  with  you,  sir,  and  does 
not  regard  your  offense  as  very  serious.  Mr.  Clerk,"  he 
continued,  in  a  softening  tone,  "  enter  a  fine  of  one  dollar 
against  this  gentleman,  and  discharge  him  on  payment  of 
costs." 


WHAT  AN  OATH   OF  ALLEGIANCE  IS. 

A  young  man  came  from  South  Carolina  and  placed  him- 
self under  the  tuition  of  Judge  J ,  of  Marietta,  Georgia, 

expecting  to  be  admitted  in  a  few  months  to  all  the  rights 
and  privileges  of  a  full-fledged  attorney  at  law.  Occasional- 
ly he  would  call  on  his  neighbor  who  occupied  the  adjoin- 
ing office,  and  expatiate  freely  on  his  progress  in  Black- 
stone,  and  his  expectations  at  the  approaching  examination. 
Upon  one  of  these  occasions  his  friend  proposed  to  ex- 
amine him  a  little  (though  no  lawyer)  by  asking  a  few 
questions  which  might  suggest  themselves  to  his  mind  in 
looking  over  the  book  he  had  been  reading.  Accordingly 
his  friend  took  the  book,  and,  turning  back  a  few  pages, 
asked  the  young  man, 

"  Can  you  tell  me  what  an  oath  of  allegiance  is  ?" 

"  An  oath  of  allegiance  ?"  said  he ;  "  yes,  I  reckon" — run- 
ning his  finger  through  his  hair  and  trying  to  look  very 
wise — "  an  oath  of  allegiance  is — when  a  man  takes  an  oath 
and  swears  what  he  alleges  is  true !" 

His  friend  did  not  proceed  any  farther  with  the  examina- 
tion, but  advised  the  would-be  lawyer  to  drop  Blackstone 
and  take  up  Webster  for  a  while. 

During  the  progress  of  the  late  rebellion,  Southern  law- 
students  probably  arrived  at  more  definite  conceptions  of 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  287 

the  "oath  of  allegiance"  than  when  the  hero  of  this  anec- 
dote gave  his  luminous  definition. 


A  PERPLEXING  CASE. 

Hon.  James  H.  Knowlton,  one  of  our  most  eminent  West- 
ern advocates,  met  with  the  following  perplexing  adven- 
ture in  his  early  practice  in  Wisconsin : 

A  stranger  came  into  his  office  and  abruptly  informed 
him  that  his  wife  had  deserted  him,  and  wished  to  have 
her  replevined  at  once.  .Knowlton  told  him  that  remedy 
would  not  meet  his  case  exactly,  and  went  on  to  inform 
him  that,  if  he  would  be  patient  until  the  desertion  had  con- 
tinued one  year,  he  could  obtain  a  divorce.  The  stranger 
said  that  he  did  not  know  as  he  wanted  a  divorce;  what  he 
most  feared  was  that  his  wife  would  run  him  in  debt  all 
over  the  country. 

"In  that  case,"  said  Knowlton,  "you  had  better  post 
her." 

What  his  client  understood  him  by  posting  remains  a 
mystery  to  this  day.  He  said,  in  a  meditative  way,  that  he 
didn't  know  where  she  had  gone,  and  besides,  that  she  was 
fully  as  strong  as  he  was,  and  he  didn't  believe  he  could 
post  her,  even  if  he  knew  where  to  find  her. 

Knowlton  hastened  to  inform  him  that  by  posting  his 
wife  he  meant  putting  a  notice  in  the  newspaper,  saying, 
"  Whereas,  my  wife  Helen  has  left  my  bed  and  board  with- 
out any  just — " 

"  But  that  ain't  true,"  interrupted  the  client,  "  that  ain't 
true.  She  didn't  leave  my  bed — she  took  it  away  with 
her." 


288  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


LEGISLATIVE  INTELLECTS. 

One  of  the  State  Legislatures  has  won  a  distinction  for 
an  average  of  intellectual  weakness  which  will  render  it 
memorable  for  many  years  to  come. 

"  I  rise  for  information,"  said  one  of  the  dullest  of  the 
members. 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  one  who  was  leaning 
over  the  bar,  "  for  no  man  wants  it  more  than  yourself." 

Another  member  rose  to  speak  on  the  bill  to  abolish  cap- 
ital punishment,  and  commenced  by  saying, 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  the  generality  of  mankind  in  general  are 
disposed  to  exercise  oppression  on  the  generality  of  man- 
kind in  general." 

"You  had  better  stop,"  said  one  who  was  sitting  near 
enough  to  pull  him  by  the  coat-tail,  "you  had  better  stop; 
you  are  coming  out  of  the  same  hole  you  went  in  at." 


MISTAKEN  IDENTITY. 

A  distinguished  gentleman,  ex-governor  of  an  Atlantic 
state,  was  employed  for  the  defense  on  a  trial  for  murder. 
The  governor  found  it  necessary,  in  the  course  of  his 
speech,  to  comment  with  some  severity  on  the  testimony 
of  a  witness  for  the  prosecution.  In  the  midst  of  a  most 
searching  and  logical  sentence,  wherein  he  was  convincing 
the  jury  that  the  witness  had  sworn  to  more  than  the 
truth,  he  was  interrupted  by  a  juryman — a  tall,  lank  fellow, 
evidently  from  the  backwoods — who,  rising,  addressed  the 
governor : 

"  See  here,  Mr.  Lawyer,  I  don't  want  you  to  go  on  that 
way  abusing  me ;  I  won't  stand  it ;  I'll  break  up  the  court 
if  you  do ;  I  didn't  come  here  to  be  abused." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  replied  the  governor,  in  his  politest  man- 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  289 

ner,  "  I  was  alluding  to  the  witness,  not  to  you ;  my  re- 
marks were  not  intended  to  apply  to  any  of  the  jurors." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  the  juror,  "just  quit  a  pinting  your 
finger  at  me  when  you  talk  that  way."  His  honor  smiled 
audibly,  for  the  first  time  in  his  life,  as  he  sat  on  the  bench. 


AN  UNHEALTHY  SOIL. 

Colonel  Aaron  Finch  was  a  distinguished  Democratic 
politician  in  Indiana.  He  had  some  thoughts  of  emigra- 
ting to  Arkansas,  and,  meeting  a  gentleman  from  that  part 
of  the  country,  asked  him  what  were  the  inducements  to 
remove  to  that  state.  Particularly  he  inquired  about  the 
soil.  The  gentleman  informed  him  that  the  land  was  good, 
but  in  some  parts  very  sandy.  Colonel  Finch  then  asked 
about  the  politics  of  Arkansas,  and  the  prospects  of  a 
stranger  getting  ahead. 

"Very  good,"  was  the  reply.  "The  Democratic  party 
is  strongly  in  the  majority,  but,  to  succeed,  a  man  must  load 
himself  down  with  revolvers  and  bowie-knives,  and  fight 
his  way  through." 

"  Oh,  well,"  said  the  colonel,  "  on  the  whole,  from  what 
you  say,  I  think  Arkansas  wouldn't  suit  me.  I  rather 
think  the  soil  is  a  little,  too  sandy  T 


A  QUACK  WITNESS. 

Hon.  David  Paul  Brown,  of  the  Philadelphia  bar,  relates 
the  following  good  story  in  a  late  work  of  his : 

A  quack  had  instituted  a  suit  for  medical  services  against 
one  of  his  neighbors,  and  the  suit  being  brought  for  the  use 
of  another,  became  himself  the  witness.  A  Mr..  Williams, 
who  was  employed  to  defend  the  suit,  and  to  expose  the 
quackery  and  worthlessness  of  the  services  rendered,  sub- 
jected the  doctor  to  the  following  cross-examination : 

T 


290  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Did  you  treat  the  patient  according  to  the  most  ap- 
proved rules  of  surgery  ?"  asked  the  counsel. 

"  By  all  means — certainly  I  did,"  replied  the  witness. 

"  Did  you  decapitate  him  ?"  inquired  the  counsel. 

"  Undoubtedly  I  did ;  that  was  a  matter  of  course,"  an- 
swered the  doctor's  witness. 

"  Did  you  perform  the  Csesarean  operation  upon  him  ?" 
asked  the  counsel. 

"  Why,  of  course,"  answered  the  witness ;  "  his  condi- 
tion required  it,  and  it  was  attended  with  very  great  suc- 
cess." 

"Did  you,  then, "still  farther  queried  the  counsel,  "sub- 
ject his  person  to  autopsy  ?" 

"  Certainly,"  replied  the  witness ;  "  that  was  the  very  last 
remedy  I  adopted."^ 

"  Well,  then,  doctor,"  said  the  counsel,  "  as  you  first  cut 
off  the  defendant's  head,  then  dissected  him,  and  he  still 
survives  it,  I  have  no  more  to  ask ;  and  if  jmir  claim  will 
survive  it,  quackery  deserves  to  be  immortal." 


THE  GOOSE  A  NATIONAL  BIRD. 

While  Judge  Thacher  was  a  member  of  the  House  of 
Eepresentatives  of  the  United  States,  a  bill  was  reported  on 
the  subject  of  American  coins,  which  made  provision  that 
one  side  of  them  should  bear  the  impression  of  an  eagle. 
Mr.  Thacher  moved  an  amendment  that  the  word  eagle 
should  be  stricken  out  wherever  it  occurred  in  the  bill, 
and  the  word  goose  be  substituted.  He  rose  to  support  the 
amendment,  and  with  great  gravity  stated  that  the  eagle 
was  an  emblem  of  royalty,  and  had  always  been  so  con- 
sidered. 

"  It  is  a  royal  bird,  Mr.  Speaker,  and  the  idea  that  it 
should  be  impressed  upon  our  coinage  is  inexpressibly 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  291 

shocking  to  my  republican  feelings.  Sir,  it  would  be  gross- 
ly inconsistent  with  our  national  character.  But  the  goose, 
sir,  is  a  republican  bird — the  fit  emblem  of  republicanism. 
Ever  since  I  became  acquainted  with  classic  lore,  sir,  I  have 
remembered,  with  ever  new  satisfaction,  that  it  was  the 
cackling  of  a  flock  of  these  republicans  which  saved  the 
greatest  city  in  the  world,  and  always  since  I  have  felt 
disposed  to  greet  every  goose  I  have  seen  as  a  brother  re- 
publican. These  reasons,  sir,  upon  which  I  could  enlarge 
very  much,  are,  in  my  view,  conclusive  in  favor  of  the 
amendment  proposed,  and  I  hope  our  dollars  will  bear  the 
impression  of  a  goose,  and  the  goslings  may  be  put  on  the 
ten-cent  pieces." 

When  the  amendment  was  proposed,  every  countenance 
was  relaxed  into  a  smile.  As  Mr.  Thacher  proceeded  to 
state  his  reasons,  there  was  a  universal  peal  of  laughter 
loud  and  long.  Unhappily,  the  member  who  reported  the 
bill — and  who  must  certainly  have  been  a  goose  himself — 
thought  that  all  the  laugh  was  at  him.  The  next  day  he 
sent  a  friend  to  Mr.  Thacher  with  a  challenge.  When 
the  message  was  delivered,  and  the  reason  of  it  told,  Mr. 
Thacher  replied, 

"Tell  him  I  won't  fight." 

"  But,  Mr.  Thacher,  what  will  the  world  say  ?  They 
may  call  you  a  coward." 

"A  coward!"  said  Mr.  Thacher;  "why,  so  I  am,  as  the 
world  goes,  and  he  knows  that  very  well,  or  he  would  nev- 
er have  challenged  me.  Tell  him  that  I  have  a  wife  and 
children  who  have  a  deep  interest  in  my  life,  and  I  can  not 
put  it  to  such  danger  without  their  consent.  I  will  write 
to  them,  and  if  they  give  their  permission  I  will  accept  his 
challenge.  But  no,"  he  added,  "  you  need  not  say  that. 
Tell  him  to  mark  out  a  figure  of  my  size  on  some  wall,  and 
then  go  off  to  the  honorable  distance  and  fire  at  it;  if  he 


292  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


hits  within  the  mark,  I  will  acknowledge  that  he  would 
have  hit  me  had  I  been  there." 

The  gentleman  laughed,  returned  to  the  challenger,  and 
advised  him  to  let  Mr.  Thacher  alone,  for  he  believed  that 
if  they  should  fight,  and  Thacher  were  killed,  he  would,  in 
some  way  or  other,  contrive  to  get  a  laugh  upon  his  oppo- 
nent that  he  would  never  get  over.  The  point  of  honor 
was  abandoned. 


NOT  A  QUACK  JUDGE. 

During  a  protracted  trial,  which  elicited  a  good  deal  of 
feeling,  Mr.  E — — ,  one  of  the  counsel  engaged  (somewhat 
intoxicated),  in  response  to  an  ungenerous  allusion  of  the 
"  opposite  counsel"  to  his  condition,  caught  up  an  inkstand 
and  hurled  it  at  the  opposer's  head.  The  court  immediate- 
ly committed  the  belligerent  Blackstone  for  a  contempt,  and 
imposed  a  fine  of  twenty-five  dollars. 

Mr.R- (in  explanation).  "If  the  court  please,  I  con- 
fess myself  guilty  of  a  gross  breach  of  decorum,  but  I 
hope—" 

The  Judge  (interrupting).  "  Thus  far,  sir,  the  court  agrees 
with  you  cheerfully ;  but  your  remorse  comes  too  late,  for 
you  stand  convicted  of  a  contempt  of  court." 

Mr.R (meekly).  "I  hope  the  court  will  spare  me 

the  disgrace  of  a  fine,  for  I  was  under  the  influence  of — " 

The  Judge  (impetuously).  "  Sit  down,  sir;  you  are  already 
fined." 

Mr.  R (persistingly).  "  I  was,  as  I  said,  under  the  in- 
fluence of  strong  drink,  and  I  think  that  circum — " 

The  Judge  (indignantly).  "Sit  down,  sir.  Does  the  coun- 
sel consider  this  court  a  mere  quack  doctor  who  does  not 
know  what  ails  a  lawyer  without  seeing  his  tongue  ?" 

The  convulsion  of  laughter  which  followed  convinced 
the  judge  that  he  had  been  indulging  in  repartee. 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  293 


A  MATTEK-OF-FACT  ARGUMENT. 

One  of  the  most  amusing  scenes  in  the  Legislature  of 
Pennsylvania  occurred  on  a  motion  to  remove  the  capital 
of  the  state  from  Harrisburg  to  Philadelphia.  A  matter- 
of-fact  member  from  the  rural  districts,  who  had  heard  of 
the  great  facility  with  which  brick  houses  are  moved  from 
one  part  of  a  city  to  another,  and  who  had  not  the  least 
idea  that  any  thing  but  moving  the  State-house  was  in  con- 
templation, rose  and  said, 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  I  have  no  objection  to  the  motion,  but  I 
don't  see  how  on  airth  you  are  going  to  git  it  over  the 
river." 


A  LEGISLATIVE  WIT. 

One  of  the  members  of  the  Lower  House  of  the  Legis- 
lature of  the  State  of  New  York  rejoiced  in  the  name  of 
Bloss.  He  had  the  honor  of  representing  the  County  of 
Monroe,  and,  if  his  sagacity  as  a  legislator  did  not  win  for 
him  the  respect  of  his  associates,  his  eccentricities  often 
ministered  to  their  entertainment.  Many  a  good  story  is 
told  of  the  shrewd  replies  with  which  Mr.  Bloss  electrified 
the  House,  but  we  recall  nothing  better  than  his  thrust  into 
the  member  from  one  of  our  own  up-town  wards,  an  in- 
flated fellow,  whose  windy  speeches  at  the  primary  meet- 
ings and  the  oyster-cellars  had  won  for  him  a  reputation  as 
an  orator,  and  procured  his  election  to  the  Assembly,  where 
he  was  bound  to  be  distinguished  as  the  most  eloquent 
man  in  Albany.  So  he  was  in  his  own  opinion,  and  he 
lost  no  opportunity  to  submit  his  oratorical  powers  to  pub- 
lic observation.  Literally,  he  sought  to  ventilate  every 
subject  that  came  before  the  House.  One  day,  in  the  midst 
of  a  windy  harangue,  that  had  become  intolerable  for  its 


294  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


length  and  emptiness,  he  stopped  to  take  a  drink  of  water. 
Bloss  sprang  to  his  feet  and  cried, 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  I  call  the  gentleman  from  New  York  to 
order !" 

The  whole  Assembly  was  startled  and  stilled ;  the  mem- 
ber from  New  York  stood  aghast,  with  the  glass  in  his 
hand,  while  the  Speaker  said, 

"  The  gentleman  from  Monroe  will  please  to  state  his 
point  of  order." 

To  which  Mr.  Bloss,  with  great  gravity,  replied, 

"  I  submit,  sir,  that  it  is  not  in  order  for  a  wind-mill  to  go 
by  water  /" 

It  was  a  shot  between  wind  and  water.  The  ventose 
orator  was  confounded,  and  put  himself  and  his  glass  down 
together. 


A  DISTINCTION  WITH  A  DIFFERENCE. 

If  General  Barnes  was  not  possessed  of  very  superior 
legal  attainments,  yet,  as  a  lawyer,  he  had  the  happy  faculty 
of  impressing  his  clients  that  justice  and  law  were  with 
them  in  all  cases.  TVe  have  a  handsome  illustration  of  this 
talent  of  the  general : 

A  rough  countryman  walked  into  the  office  of  General 
Barnes  one  day,  and  began  his  application, 

"  General  Barnes,  I  have  come  to  get  your  advice  in  a 
case  that  is  giving  me  some  trouble." 

"  Well,  what  is  the  matter?" 

"  Suppose  now,"  said  the  client,  "  that  a  man  had  a  fine 
spring  of  water  on  his  land,  and  his  neighbor  living  below 
him  were  to  build  a  dam  across  a  creek  running  through 
both  their  farms,  and  it  was  to  back  the  water  up  into  the 
other  man's  spring,  what  ought  to  be  done?" 

"  Sue  him,  sir,  sue  him,  by  all  means,"  said  the  general, 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  295 

who  always  became  excited  in  proportion  to  the  aggrava- 
tion of  his  client's  wrongs.  "You  can  recover  heavy 
damages,  sir.  It  is  a  most  flagrant  injury  he  has  done  you, 
sir,  and  the  law  will  make  him  pay  well  for  it,  sir.  Just 
give  me  the  case,  and  I'll  bring  the  money  from  him ;  and 
if  he  hasn't  a  good  deal  of  property,  it  will  break  him  up, 
sir." 

"But  stop,  general,"  cried  the  terrified  applicant  for 
legal  advice,  "  it's  me  that  built  the  dam,  and  it's  neigh- 
bor Jones  that  owns  the  spring,  and  he's  threatening  to  sue 
me/" 

The  keen  lawyer  hesitated  but  a  moment  before  he  tack- 
ed ship  and  kept  on, 

"  Ah !  Well,  sir,  you  say  you  built  a  dam  across  that 
creek.  "What  sort  of  a  dam  was  that,  sir  ?" 

"  It  was  a  mill-dam." 

"  A  mill-dam  for  grinding  grain,  was  it  ?" 

"Yes,  it  was  just  that." 

"And  it  is  a  good  neighborhood  mill,  is  it?" 

"  So  it  is,  sir ;  you  may  well  say  so." 

"  And  all  your  neighbors  bring  their  grain  there  to  be 
ground,  do  they  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  all  but  Jones." 

"  Then  it's  a  great  public  convenience,  is  it  not?" 

"  To  be  sure  it  is.  I  would  not  have  built  it  but  for 
that.  It's  so  far  to  any  other  mill,  sir." 

"  And  now,"  said  the  old  lawyer,  "you  tell  me  that  this 
man  Jones  is  complaining  just  because  the  water  from  your 
dam  happens  to  back  up  into  his  little  spring,  and  he  is 
threatening  to  sue  you.  Well,  all  I  have  to  say  is,  let  him 
sue,  and  he'll  rue  the  day  he  ever  thought  of  it,  as  sure  as 
my  name  is  Barnes." 


296  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


A  WESTERN  JUDGE'S  IDEA  OF  DOING  HIS  DUTY. 

Judge  D was  fond  of  card-playing,  and  occasionally 

indulged  in  the  amusement.  During  the  period  he  occu- 
pied a  seat  on  the  bench  the  Legislature  of  Georgia  passed 
very  stringent  laws  to  prevent  gambling,  and  made  it  im- 
perative on  the  judges  to  charge  the  grand  juries,  at  the 
opening  of  each  session  of  the  court,  to  present  all  who 
were  known  as  gamblers,  etc.  The  judge  had  conformed 
to  the  requirements  of  the  law,  but  none  were  presented, 
and  gambling  seemed  to  flourish  as  it  ever  had.  On  an 
occasion  when  the  judge  was  on  his  circuit,  and  after  his 
usual  charge  to  the  grand  jury,  and,  as  usual,  no  notice 

taken  of  the  charge,  Judge  D ascertained  there  was  a 

faro-bank  in  successful  operation  in  the  very  precincts  of 
the  court.  The  judge  thought  he  would  indulge  his  pro- 
pensity for  play,  and  visited  the  bank.  He  played,  and 
was  very  successful,  as  was  his  wont;  he  won  all  the 
money,  and  broke  up  the  establishment.  After  he  had 
pocketed  his  winnings  and  was  about  retiring,  he  perceived 
several  of  the  grand  jury  in  the  room,  who  had  likewise 

been  engaged  in  the  game.  Judge  D observed  to 

them, 

Gentlemen  of  the  grand  jury,  the  law  requires  me  to  do 
all  in  my  power  to  suppress  the  vice  of  gambling.  I  have 
charged  the  grand  juries  upon  the  subject  time  after  time 
without  any  good  effect.  It  was  time  for  me  to  act,  and 
see  if  I  could  not  enforce  the  law.  I  have  done  so ;  and 
the  most  effectual  way  of  doing  it  is  to  break  the  bank, 
which  I  have  done  to-night.  I  do  not  think  these  fellows 
will  trouble  the  public  for  some  time  to  come,  and  the  law 
in  me  is  vindicated.  Gentlemen,  I  bid  you  good-night." 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  297 


FALSE  SPELLING  IN  PROPER  NAMES. 

Many  years  ago,  when  Florida  was  still  a  Territory,  jus- 
tice was  administered  there  by  one  Judge  Douglas,  more 
noted  for  his  claiming  descent  from  the  great  Scot  than  for 
his  judicial  ability.  On  one  occasion,  when  holding  court 
at  Tallahassee,  a  man  by  the  name  of  Whiteman  was  ar- 
raigned for  horse-stealing.  Mr.  "Wescott,  afterward  United 
States  senator,  counsel  for  the  priscmer,  moved  for  the  dis- 
charge of  his  client  on  account  of  the  false  spelling  of 
Whiteman's  name  in  the  indictment  The  judge  overruled 
the  motion,  remarking  that  general  reputation  as  to  a  man's  . 
name  is  all  that  is  necessary  in  an  indictment  for  a  criminal 
offense,  and  that  the  addition  or  omission  of  a  letter  makes 
no  difference. 

"For  instance,"  illustrated  the  judge,  "if  you  were  ar- 
raigned before  this  court,  Mr.  Wescott,  for  murder,  do  you 
suppose  because  your  name  might  happen  to  be  spelled 
Waistcot,  or  Waistcoat,  or  Westcoot,  instead  of  Wescott,  * 
you  would  escape  punishment  ?  No,  sir ;  you  should  be 
hung,  sir — you  should  be  hung,  sir!" 

This  was  an  illustration  but  little  relished  by  Wescott, 
who,  in  reply,  admitted  that,  for  all  he  knew,  TFA^man,  who 
was  here  indicted,  might  have  stolen  the  horse,  as  charged 
in  the  indictment,  but  it  was  unfair,  he  thought,  to  make 
his  innocent  client,  WMeman,  suffer  for  Woman's  offense. 

"  As  for  the  right  of  the  community  to  make  names  by 
which  men  are  to  be  known  in  law,  or  to  change  the  or- 
thography of  a  name,  it  can  not  be  maintained,"  said  Wes- 
cott. "  For  instance,  your  honor's  name  is  Douglas,  and  I 
believe  you  are  very  careful  about  the  orthography — 
D-o-u-g-l-a-s  ;  yet,  if  the  right  of  the  community  to  alter 
names  or  their  orthography  be  granted,  I  believe  nine 
tenths  of  the  population  of  this  Territory  would  come  into 


298  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


court  and  swear  that  your  honor's  name  should  be  spelled 
— D-o-u-g-l-ass." 

"  Mr.  Clerk,"  roared  the  irate  judge,  "  enter  a  fine  of  fifty 
dollars  against  Mr.  Wescott  for  contempt  of  court !" 


A  WESTERN  JUDGE'S  CHARGE. 

The  following  is  a  charge  given  to  a  grand  jury  by  a 
Western  judge.  He  was  dwelling  upon  the  offenses  in  the 
penal  code  to  which  the  attention  of  the  jury  should  be  di- 
rected, and,  after  dwelling  on  the  crime  of  perjury,  he  pro- 
ceeded, in  the  next  place,  to  say,  "  Then,  gentlemen,  thar's 
subornation  of  perjury,  which  is  likewise  forbid  by  the  law, 
and  which  I  reckon  is  one  of  the  meanest  crimes  that  men 
get  to  do  fur  money.  It's  when  a  feller's  too  smart  or  too 
scary  to  swar  to  a  lie  hisself,  and  so  gits  another  man  to  do 
it  fur  him — one  of  yer  mean,  dirty,  snivelin',  little-minded 
fellers !  Why,  a  whole  regiment  of  sich  souls  could  hold  a 
jubilee  in  the  middle  of  a  mustard-seed,  and  never  hear  of 
one  another !" 


ADJOURNING  COURT  TO   SEE  THE  ELEPHANT. 

During  a  session  of  the  Circuit  Court  at ,  Kentucky, 

Judge  M presiding,  an  important  case,  involving  much 

money  and  interest,  was  called  for  trial.  An  eminent  attor- 
ney conducting  the  defense  in  the  case  was  not  ready  for 
trial,  and  having  no  legal  excuse  for  delay,  suggested  to 
the  court  that  his  client  and  witnesses  had  gone  to  see  an 
elephant  swim  the  river.  The  judge  remarked  that  he 
knew  a  large  circus  company  was  to  perform  in  town  that 
day,  and  asked  if  they  intended  to  make  their  elephant 
swim  the  river.  Having  received  an  affirmative  answer, 
the  judge  said  he  did  not  blame  witnesses  for  leaving  court 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  299 

to  see  a  sight  of  such  uncommon  interest,  and  he  did  not 
intend  to  let  the  opportunity  slip  to  see  it  himself.  Where- 
upon he  ordered  the  sheriff  to  adjourn  the  court  until  the 
next  morning,  in  order  that  every  person  might  see  the  el- 
ephant swim  the  river.  The  attorney,  in  the  mean  time, 
applied  himself  to  hunting  up  his  witnesses,  and  next  morn- 
ing appeared  ready  for  trial.  The  judge  waited  upon  the 
river-bank  for  hours,  smoking  his  pipe,  but  no  crowd  col- 
lected, and  no  elephant  appeared ! 

The  judge  was  said  to  be  so  cautious  in  dealing  rigid 
justice  that  he  often  took  the  will  of  the  house  upon  knot- 
ty cases,  and  entered  judgment  by  a  vote  of  majority.  Two 
attorneys,  Lindsay  and  Harlan,  had  plead  a  cause  before 
him,  and  a  judgment  was  given  in  favor  of  the  latter's 
client,  when  Lindsay  remonstrated,  to  the  judge's  surprise, 
who  silenced  him  by  saying  that  he  had  given  two  decis- 
ions in  his  favor  that  day,  and  only  one  to  Harlan — that  lie 
was  quite  too  hard  to  satisfy. 

At  a  term  of  the  Circuit  Court  held  for  Grant  County,  at 

Williamstown,  Kentucky,  Judge  M presiding,  the  case 

of  a  young  man  who  had  been  indicted  for  grand  larceny 
was  called  for  trial.  The  attorney  and  witnesses  for  the 
Commonwealth  were  ready,  and  the  prisoner  was  ordered  to 
be  brought  into  court.  As  soon  as  the  prisoner  entered  the 
room  the  judge  fixed  his  eyes  upon  him,  and  regarding  him 
for  some  time  very  intently,  then  turned  to  the  crowded 
throng,  and  addressed  them  as  follows : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  do  not  believe  that  any  man  who  dresses 
so  decently,  and  looks  as  handsomely  as  this  man  does, 
could  ever  be  guilty  of  stealing.  He  looks  like  an  honest 
man ;  and,  notwithstanding  this  '  indictment,'  I  believe  he 
is  one.  All  of  you  who  are  in  favor  of  his  going  quits 
hold  up  your  hands !" 

The  hands  having  been  shown,  the  judge  turned  to  the 


300  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


prisoner,  and  remarked,  "  There,  go  now ;  you  are  unani- 
mously discharged !" 


ELECTIONEERING  TACTICS. 

It  has  been  the  custom,  time  out  of  mind,  for  opposing 
candidates  for  office  in  the  Western  States  to  canvass  their 
district  in  company,  and  to  discuss  together  their  issues  be- 
fore the  people.  In  the  rich  regions  the  candidates  discuss 
principles ;  but  in  the  poorer  regions,  among  the  more  igno- 
rant mountaineers,  they  take  other  means  of  convincing  or 
persuading  the  people.  On  one  occasion  two  very  distin- 
guished lawyers  as  opposing  candidates  offered  themselves 
for  Congress  from  the  same  district  in  Kentucky — W.  W. 
Southgate,  Whig,  and  John  W.  Tibbatts,  Democrat.  Of 
course  they  canvassed  together.  Both  were  talented,  ac- 
complished, and  witty,  and  both  knew  well  how  to  please 
the  people.  Personally  they  were  friends  and  relatives. 
In  the  intelligent  districts  they  battled  like  intellectual 
giants ;  in  the  poor  regions  they  fired  wit  at  each  other,  and 
made  the  people  laugh.  In  one  of  these  places  they  had 
been  peculiarly  happy  in  their  remarks,  and  the  people 
greatly  enjoyed  it.  When  they  left  sentiment  was  about 
equally  divided,  and  the  even  cry  of  "Hurrah,  Southgate!" 
"  Hurrah,  Tibbatts !"  was  shouted  from  the  harmonious 
throats  of  even  parties.  Both  candidates  mounted  their 
horses,  and  left  together  for  the  next  appointment ;  but  the 
people,  determined  to  have  a  good  time,  remained  to  finish 
the  enjoyment  with  a  dance.  As  the  opposing  aspirants 
slowly  left  the  scene  of  mirth,  each  longed  for  the  finishing 
touch  in  moulding  political  sentiment,  and  each  distrusted 
the  other.  When  they  had  gone  a  mile,  Tibbatts  discover- 
ed that  he  had  left  something  at  the  meeting,  and  asking 
Southgate  to  wait  for  him,  rode  back.  Southgate,  distrust- 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  301 

ing  him,  waited  a  while,  and  then  also  returned,  where  his 
suspicions  were  verified ;  for  there  he  found  Tibbatts  play- 
ing the  fiddle,  and  the  people  dancing.  Sentiment  was  all 
on  one  side ;  it  was  all  "  Hurrah  for  Tibbatts !"  He  had 
carried  the  day.  (Both  played  with  equal  skill,  but  Tibbatts 
only  left-handed.)  Southgate,  mortified  at  his  loss,  determ- 
ined to  regain  his  position.  Making  his  acknowledgments, 
he  told  the  people  that,  with  their  leave,  he  would  play  a 
second  to  his  brother  Tibbatts's  delightful  music ;  and  with 
a  bow  he  played  his  best,  and  soon  divided  again  the  peo- 
ple. Throwing  aside  his  violin,  he  remarked  he  hated  fid- 
dling, but  by  their  leave  he  would  join  in  the  dance.  In 
that  he  had  no  equal,  and  soon  brought  the  unanimous 
"  hurrahs"  for  Southgate.  He  had  triumphed,  and  Tib- 
batts was  vanquished. 

Before  filling  their  next  appointment  Southgate  was  tak- 
en sick,  and  Tibbatts,  after  waiting  two  weeks,  continued  his 
canvass  alone.  fWhen  recovered,  Southgate  followed.  He 
found  his  rival  had  stolen  the  hearts  of  the  people,  and  it 
was  an  uphill  business  with  poor  Southgate.  In  one  place, 
like  that  mentioned,  Tibbatts  had  pleased  them  so  well — 
telling  stories  and  jokes,  and  playing  for  them — that  they 
utterly  refused  to  hear  Southgate.  They  said  Tibbatts  was 
the  man  for  them,  that  they  wanted  no  better,  and  South- 
gate  had  better  go  home ;  they  wouldn't  vote  for  him,  etc. 
He  told  them  that  Tibbatts  was  a  dear  friend  and  relative 
of  his,  and  a  noble  fellow — no  better  man  was  to  be  found 
(Southgate  seems  like  an  honest  fellow,  said  they ;  let  us 
hear  him).  "  And,  fellow-citizens,"  said  Southgate,  "  if  I 
can't  go  to  Congress  without  abusing  my  dear  friend  Tib- 
batts, I'll  stay  at  home  forever."  (Hurrah  for  Southgate ! 
Good !  He  ought  to  go  to  Congress  too.)  "  Why,  fellow- 
citizens  !  he  is  the  most  talented  man  in  Kentucky,  and  for 
accomplishments  he  hasn't  his  equal  in  the  world !"  ("We 


302  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


know ;  we  heard  him ;  he  played  for  us.  Hurrah  for  Tib- 
batts !)  "But  here,  my  friends,  is  one  thing  I  can  not  ap- 
prove of  in  my  dear  brother:  he  plays  better  left-handed 
than  most  musicians  with  their  right;  but  if  you  only 
heard  him  right-handed,  he  would  bend  the  trees  with  his 
sweet  tones.  What  I  blame  in  him  is,,  that  when  he  is 
among  nice  people  whom  he  likes  he  plays  right-handed  ; 
but  when  he  is  among  ignorant  people  for  whom  he  has  no 
regard,  whom  he  thinks  jackasses,  he  says  any  thing  is 
good  enough  for  them,  and  so  he  plays  for  them  left-hand- 
ed !"  (What !  Why,  he  played  left-handed  here !  Does 
he  mean  to  insinuate  we  are  ignorant  jackasses?  D — n 
Tibbatts;  away  with  him!  Southgate  is  my  man !  Hur- 
rah for  Southgate,  etc.)  When  the  election  came  Tibbatts 
got  but  sixteen  votes  in  that  precinct. 


SENTENCED  TO  THE   LEGISLATURE. 

A  few  years  since  one  Lindsey  was  arraigned  before  one 
of  the  Illinois  circuit  courts,  Judge  Davis  presiding,  to  an- 
swer an  indictment  for  highway  robbery,  to  which  charge, 
there  being  conclusive  testimony  against  him,  he  plead 
"  Guilty."  The  crime  was  a  very  bold  and  atrocious  act,  de- 
noting great  skill  in  that  kind  of  "  rough  gambling,"  as  well 
as  a  very  abandoned  and  wicked  heart.  At  the  close  of  the 
term  Lindsey  was  brought  up  to  receive  his  sentence,  when 
Judge  Davis,  who  is  a  great  admirer  of  honest  industry,  as 
well  as  an  inordinate  hater  of  such  "laripins"  as  Lindsey,  , 
who  subsist  by  thieving,  proceeded  to  pass  the  sentence  of 
the  law  upon  him.  His  honor  commenced  by  reminding  the 
prisoner  that  he  was  yet  a  young  man,  possessed  with  a  more 
than  ordinary  share  of  natural  endowments,  sufficient,  if  well 
applied,  to  place  him  in  the  foremost  ranks  of  honorable  soci- 
ety. He  next  informed  him  that,  by  his  own  plea,  he  was 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  303 

guilty  of  robbing — in  open  day,  and  almost  in  the  presence 
of  the  whole  community — an  old  and  helpless  man  of  his 
hard-earned  money — a  crime  recognized  by  the  law  of  the 
land  as  of  the  most  abandoned  and  wicked  character.  In 
rehearsing  this  scathing  prelude  to  the  sentence  of  the  law, 
the  judge,  as  is  usual  in  such  cases,  got  himself  very  much 
warmed  up,  so  that  when  he  came  to  close  his  remarks  with 
the  sentence,  he  found  our  state  institutions  somewhat  mix- 
ed up  in  his  mind,  for,  said  he, 

"Lindsey,  I  shall  sentence  you  to  seven  years  in  the  Il- 
linois Legislature  /" 

"  The  penitentiary,  your  honor,"  suggested  the  prosecu- 
ting attorney,  who  was  standing  by. 

The  judge  accepted  the  correction  of  the  prosecutor,  mut- 
tering at  the  same  time  something  about  the  "  slight  differ- 
ence" that  existed.  A  titter  ran  around  the  bar,  when  the 
matter  was  dropped  for  the  time ;  but  Judge  Davis  fre- 
quently hears  of  his  accommodating  sentence  upon  Lindsey. 


ONE  MAN  PLAINTIFF,  WITNESS,  LAWYER,  AND  JUDGE. 

A  certain  nameless  city  in  the  West  had  an  eccentric 
Scotch  mayor,  who  earnestly  desired  to  further  public  in- 
terests, but  chose  a  way  peculiarly  his  own.  Among  other 
ordinances  passed  at  his  instance  was  one  which  provided 
that  the  mayor  might  bring  an  action  in  his  own  name,  and 
recover  damages  for  any  breach  of  the  laws  of  the  town. 
At  the  same  time  was  passed  an  ordinance  making  it  penal 
to  tear  up  the  sidewalks  or  pavements  and  to  dig  holes  in 
the  streets.  By  law  the  mayor  was  given  the  same  power 
in  actions,  criminal  and  civil,  as  a  justice  of  the  peace,  and 
it  was  of  course  contemplated  that  if  the  mayor  sued  in  his 
own  name  he  would  bring  his  suit,  not  in  his  own  court, 
but  before  a  justice  of  the  peace.  But  one  John  Peters 


304:  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


having,  in  violation  of  the  town  ordinance,  dug  a  hole  in 
the  street,  the  mayor  proceeded  to  punish  him,  and,  think- 
ing it  safer,  brought  the  suit  in  his  own  name,  in  his  own 
mayor's  court.  The  mayor  also  proceeded  to  view  the 
premises,  and  satisfy  himself  of  the  facts.  When  the  day 
of  trial  came,  quite  a  crowd  gathered,  for  it  was  doubted 
whether  even  the  mayor  could  properly  bring  an  action  in 
his  own  name  as  plaintiff,  and  try  the  cause  himself. 
When  the  hour  of  trial  came,  however,  the  mayor,  nothing 
abashed,  took  his  seat,  and  the  defendant  appeared  in  due 
form.  The  cage  was  called  for  trial,  and  the  defendant  de- 
nied the  charge.  Thereupon  the  mayor  arose  with  great 
dignity,  and  stated,  as  a  witness,  in  the  presence  of  the  crowd, 
the  facts,  and  proved  the  defendant's  guilt,  and  estimating  the 
public  damages  at  ten  dollars.  The  mayor  then  proceeded, 
and,  as  a  lawyer,  argued  the  case  to  the  crowd,  and  expa- 
tiated upon  the  impropriety  of  allowing  such  an  offense  to 
go  unpunished.  He  then  took  his  seat  with  much  deco- 
rum, and,  as  a  judge,  entered  up  a  judgment  in  his  own 
form  against  the  transgressing  defendant  for  the  ten  dollars 
damages  which  he  had  previously  estimated  as  a  witness. 
This  is  the  only  instance  on  record  where  the  same  man 
was  plaintiff,  witness,  lawyer,  and  judge. 


A  QUEER  CASE   OF  CONFLICTING  AUTHORITY. 

The  "  free  and  easy"  relations  of  bench  and  bar  are  set 
forth  by  the  following  incident,  which  actually  occurred  in 
a  Western  town : 

Judge  Nelson  was  holding  court ;  there  was  a  case  being 
tried  wherein  T.  E.  More,  Esq.,  who  was  mayor  of  the  city 
as  well  as  lawyer,  was  counsel  for  one  of  the  parties.  When 
the  evidence  was  all  in,  and  the  respective  counsel  had 
argued  the  case  to  the  jury,  More  supposed  he  "  had  a  sure 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  305 

thing  of  it"  for  his  client  with  the  jury.  But,  to  his  aston- 
ishment, when  the  judge  came  to  charge  the  jury,  he  charged 
square  against  his  client.  Whereupon  More  arose  and 
said, 

"  Your  honor,  I  object  to  your  charge." 
The  judge  turned  indignantly  and  said, 
"  Sit  down,  Mr.  More !" 
More  responded,  "I  sha'n't  do  it,  sir!" 
The  judge  then  turned  to  the  sheriff  and  said, 
"  Mr.  Sheriff,  arrest  Mr.  More  for  contempt  of  court !" 
Mr.  More  retorted  by  saying,  "  Mr.  Sheriff,  as  mayor  of 
this  city,  I  command  you  to  stay  where  you  are !"  and, 
turning  to  the  judge,  he  continued,  "Judge,  if  you  don't 
behave  yourself  and  keep  quiet,  I  will  have  you  arrested !" 
At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings  the  judge  ordered  the 
sheriff  to  adjourn  court  till  two  o'clock  P.M.,  and  at  the 
opening  of  court  in  the  afternoon  the  case  went  to  the  jury 
without  any  farther  charge. 


AN  IMPUDENT  ATTORNEY. 

There  once  resided  in  the  county  of  L ,  in  Eastern 

Mississippi,  a  young  lawyer,  whom  we  will  designate  as 

B H ,  who  was  remarkable  for  nothing  except  his 

insolence  to  the  court  and  his  diminutiveness  in  size,  being 
just  five  feet  and  one  inch.  At  a  recent  term  of  the  Cir- 
cuit Court  for  said  county,  Judge  W presiding,  the 

court,  for  some  discourtesy  on  the  part  of  B H , 

imposed  a  fine  of  ten  dollars  on  him,  which  had  been  made 
the  judgment  of  the  court,  but  remained  unpaid ;  the  judge, 
proceeding  with  the  business  of  the  term,  called  the  next 
case  in  its  order — John  C.  Patterson  vs.  Eobert  Blakeney, 
E.  and  C.  for  plaintiff,  and  "  W."  for  defense. 

Judge  W .  "You  perceive,  gentlemen,  that  I  was 

U 


306  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


counsel  for  the  defendant  before  I  was  elected  to  the  office 
of  judge,  and  am  therefore  incompetent  to  preside  in  this 
trial.  The  cause  must  be  continued  unless  the  parties  can 
agree  to  try  it  before  some  member  of  the  bar,  to  be  select- 
ed by  themselves."  (The  statute  authorized  parties  to  ap- 
point a  special  judge  to  try  cases  where  the  judge  presid- 
ing is  interested.) 

After  a  short  consultation,  E ,  one  of  the  counsel  for 

plaintiff,  addressed  the  court:  "If  your  honor  pleases,  the 

parties  have  agreed  to  call  B H to  the  bench,  to 

preside  on  the  trial  of  this  cause." 

Judge  W .  "Very  well." 

He  retired  from  the  bench,  and  B H took  the 

seat  with  an  air  of  dignity  which  could  find  no  parallel  in 
the  history  of  jurisprudence. 

B H (presiding).  "  Mr.  Sheriff,  let  us  have  order 

in  court.  Mr.  Clerk,  remit  that  fine  that  Judge  W- im- 
posed on  me  this  morning  /" 

The  clerk,  believing  it  to  be  his  duty  to  obey  all  orders 
from  the  bench,  promptly  entered  the  order  setting  the 
judgment  for  the  fine  aside,  greatly  to  the  amusement  of 

the  bar  and  the  discomfiture  of  Judge  W .  The  joke 

was  so  good  that  Judge  W let  the  last  order  remain 

undisturbed. 


A  WESTERN"   BULL. 

Mr.  W ,  an  attorney  in  one  of  the  central  counties  of 

Pennsylvania,  many  years  ago,  when  that  part  of  the  state 
was  "backwoods,"  was  a  genuine  Irishman,  possessed  of 
little  learning,  professional,  scientific,  or  literary,  and  al- 
ways went  at  business  in  a  manner  peculiarly  his  own. 
On  one  occasion,  when  the  courts  were  in  session  in  his 
county,  a  client  of  his  had  been  induced  to  execute  a  judg- 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  307 

ment  bond,  by  some  trick  or  fraud,  for  which  he  had  re- 
ceived no  consideration ;  and,  on  reflection,  having  become 
alarmed,  applied  to  Mr.  W for  advice.  Mr.  W ex- 
amined the  records,  and  finding  that  no  judgment  had  been 
entered  on  the  bond,  suspected  that  the  party  to  whom  the 
bond  had  been  given  would  not  enter  judgment  until  the 
court  had  risen  and  the  judge  gone  to  another  county,  when 
he  might  enter  judgment,  issue  execution,  make  the  money, 
and  pocket  it  before  the  defendant  could  obtain  any  relief. 
Mr.  W determined  to  head  the  villain,  and  according- 
ly prepared  a  motion,  and  an  affidavit  of  the  facts  to  sup- 
port it,  and  coming  into  the  court  in  a  great  hurry,  said, 

"May  it  plase  yer  honors,  I  jest  want  to  move  the 
co-r-r-rt  to  strike  off  a  judgment  that  hasn't  been  entered  at 
all,  at  all." 

The  judge  pleasantly  said,  "I  think  you  are  a  little  too 

premature,  Mr.  W .  Hadn't  you  better  wait  till  the 

judgment  is  entered  ?" 

"  And  may  it  plase  the  co-r-r-rt,"  said  W ,  "I'm  jest 

fearing  they'll  never  enter  it,  and  that's  why  I  want  it 
struck  off!" 


EFFECTIVE  WESTERN  ORATORY. 

Some  of  the  most  effective,  if  not  the  most  brilliant  spec- 
imens of  oratory  in  the  world  are  to  be  found  among  the 
Western  stump  speakers.  They  excel  particularly  in  a 
style  not  set  down  in  the  books,  which  may  be  termed 
"  the  inference."  Can  any  thing  be  more  to  the  purpose 
than  the  following  passages  ? 

"  Gentlemen,  I  have  heard  of  some  persons  who  hold  to 
the  opinion  that  just  at  the  precise  moment  one  human 
being  dies  another  is  born,  and  that  the  just-departed  soul 
enters  and  animates  the  new-born  babe.  Now  I  have 


308  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


made  particular  and  extensive  inquiries  concerning  my  op- 
ponent there,  and  I  find  that  for  some  time  previous  to  his 
nativity  nobody  died!" 

"  Colonel  Skinner,  of  Texas,"  who  was  going  it  on  "  a 
high  figure"  before  the  right  kind  of  audience,  thus  settled 
a  long-disputed  fact  in  history  and  "  elevated"  himself. 

"  Feller-citizens,"  said  he,  with  a  very  knowing  look,  "  I 
was  at  the  battle  where  Tecumsey  was  killed — /  was !  I 
commanded  a  regiment  there — /  did !  I'm  not  gwine  to 
say  who  did  kill  Tecumsey — /won't!  But  this  much  I 
will  say,  Tecumsey  was  killed  by  one  of  my  pistols ;  and, 
gentlemen,  I  leave  it  to  your  knowledge  of  human  nature 
if  a  man  would  be  very  apt  to  lend  out  his  pistol  on  an  oc- 
casion of  that  sort." 

The  following  is  in  another,  but  not  less  effective  style, 
nor  of  less  frequent  occurrence  in  the  West.  Judge  Wil- 
liams, of  Iowa,  like  a  good  many  other  old  lowan  politi- 
cians, "crossed  the  plains"  and  settled  in  Oregon.  During 
the  Territorial  pupilage  of  Oregon  he  worthily  served  as 
chief  justice.  Just  before  the  Territory  was  admitted  as  a 
state,  at  the  last  sitting  of  the  court  in  Portland,  after  the 
last  case  on  the  docket  had  been  disposed  of,  and  there  was 
nothing  to  do  but  adjourn,  a  loquacious  member  of  the  bar 
suggested  to  his  associates  that  it  was  incumbent  on  them 
to  return  thanks  to  the  court  for  its  services,  and  professed 
himself  willing  to  act  as  spokesman.  Accordingly,  just 
prior  to  adjournment,  "  he  took  the  floor,"  and  held  it  quite 
a  while  too,  pouring  out  his  adulations  to  the  court  until  he 
had  thought  of  every  thing  he  could  say,  when,  after  sug- 
gesting to  the  court  the  fact  that  if  it  had  any  remarks  to 
offer  the  Bar  would  be  pleased  to  hear  them,  to  the  great 
relief  of  all  he  took  his  seat.  The  court  arose  to  its  feet, 
seized  its  hat  in  its  hand,  and  with  a  comical  smile  said,  in 
effect,  "Gentlemen,  the  remarks  which  I  am  assured  the  Bar 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  309 

would  be  most  pleased  to  hear  would  be  an  invitation  to 
the  nearest  grocery  to  take  a  drink.  Come  on,  boys!" 
The  judge  led  the  way,  the  profession  followed  close  at  his 
heels,  and  the  loquacious  lawyer  scarcely  recovered  his 
equilibrium  in  time  to  bring  up  the  rear. 

A  similar  instance  of  "  highfalutin"  oratory  not  less 
handsomely  rebuked  is  told  as  follows : 

Judge  G was  a  justice  of  the  Supreme  Court  in  the 

western  part  of  the  State  of  New  York  a  short  time  before 
the  rebellion  broke  out,  but  while  the  distant  mutterings 
of  its  thunders  could  be  heard.  The  judge  was  as  renown- 
ed for  his  solid  learning  and  patriotism  as  he  was  for  a  cer- 
tain quaintness  of  expression,  that  ofttimes  produced  a 
laugh  in  court,  to  the  great  surprise  of  the  judge.  One  day 
a  feigned  issue  in  a  divorce  suit,  involving  abandonment 
and  desertion  on  the  part  of  the  guilty  party,  was  on  trial 
at  the  circuit,  and  the  counsel  for  the  plaintiff,  who  some- 
times indulged  in  "  spread  eagles,"  was  in  the  very  climax 
of  his  rhapsody,  when,  turning  for  a  moment  from  the  jury, 
whom  he  was  addressing,  to  the  court,  he  said, 

"  What  would  your  honor  do,  I  would  like  to  know,  if  a 
portion  of  the  states  of  this  glorious  Union  should  '  shoot 
madly  from  their  spheres,'  and  attempt  the  destruction  of 
the  nation?" 

"  What  would  I  dew  ?"  asked  the  judge ;  "  why,  I'd  try 
and  shute  them  back." 


PUTTING  AN  EARTHQUAKE  TO   GOOD   USE. 

Counselor  G ,  a  leading  lawyer  of  a  Southwestern 

city,  and  whose  eloquence  is  only  exceeded  by  a  love  of  the 
ardent,  was  one  day  arguing  a  case  before  a  jury,  and  was 
descanting  in  his  most  lofty  strain  upon  the  enormous 
frauds  which  were  being  committed  upon  his  client  by  the 


310  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


other  side,  when  suddenly  the  court-house  was  rocked  like 
a  cradle  by  the  terrible  throes  of  an  earthquake.  Every 
sound  was  hushed  and  every  breath  suspended,  and  as  the 
fearful  vibrations  ceased  every  cheek  was  blanched  and 
every  body  trembled.  But  the  counselor,  though  livid  as 
a  corpse,  was  quick  to  gain  his  presence  of  mind,  and  the 
very  air  was  made  to  ring  again  with  his  clear,  loud  voice 
as  he  cried,  "  Yes,  gentlemen,  the  very  earth  trembles  with 
the  enormity  of  their  frauds !"  G got  the  verdict. 


LEGAL  DECISION  FROM  HEAVEN. 

California  furnishes,  among  its  other  curiosities,  the  most 
remarkable  legal  decision  on  record. 

During  a  season  of  avalanches,  the  ranch  of  one  Tom 
Eust  slid  down  from  the  mountain-side  and  pretty  nearly 
covered  a  ranch  belonging  to  Dick  Sides.  Some  of  the 
boys  in  the  town  of  Carson  persuaded  Sides  to  bring  suit 
in  a  referee's  court  for  the  recovery  of  his  ranch,  which 
Mr.  S.  did,  alleging  that  Eust  now  claimed  the  surface  of 
the  ground  as  his  own,  although  he  freely  admitted  that  the 
ranch  underneath  it  belonged  to  Sides,  who,  it  grieved 
him  to  reflect,  would  probably  never  see  his  property  again. 
The  court-room  was  crowded.  The  judge-referee  presided 
with  a  grave  dignity  in  keeping  with  his  lofty  position; 
the  sheriff  guarded  the  sacred  precinct  of  the  court  from 
disturbance  and  indecorum  with  exaggerated  vigilance. 
The  witnesses  were  examined,  and  all  the  evidence  of  any 
value  went  in  favor  of  Sides.  His  counsel,  General  Bunk- 
er, made  a  ponderous  speech  of  two  hours  in  length ;  the 
opposing  counsel  replied,  and  the  case  went  to  the  judge. 
He  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  have  listened  with  profound  interest  to 
the  arguments  of  the  counsel  in  this  important  case,  and 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  311 

while  I  admit  that  the  reasonings  of  the  distinguished  gen- 
tleman who  appeared  for  the  plaintiff  were  almost  resistless, 
and  that  all  the  law  and  evidence  adduced  are  in  favor  of 
his  client,  yet  considerations  of  a  more  sacred  and  exalted 
nature  than  these  compel  me  ta  decide  for  the  defendant, 
and  to  decree  that  the  property  remain  in  his  possession. 
The  Almighty  created  the  earth  and  all  that  is  in  it,  and 
who  shall  presume  to  dictate  to  Him  the  disposition  of  His 
handiwork  ?  If  He  saw  that  defendant's  ranch  was  too 
high  up  on  the  hill,  and  chose,  in  His  infinite  wisdom,  to 
move  it  down  to  a  more  eligible  location,  albeit  to  the 
detriment  of  the  plaintiff  and  his  ranch,  it  is  meet  that  we 
bow  in  humble  submission  to  His  will,  without  inquiring 
into  His  motives  or  questioning  His  authority.  My  ver- 
dict therefore  is,  gentlemen,  that  the  plaintiff  Sides  has  lost 
his  ranch  by  the  dispensation  of  God." 

The  crowd  of  spectators,  defying  the  sheriff,  shook  the 
house  with  laughter.  Bunker  asked  to  appeal  the  case. 
The  great  judge  frowned  upon  him  with  severe  dignity  for 
a  moment,  and  then  replied  solemnly  that  there  was  no  ap- 
peal from  the  decision  of  the  Lord. 


AN  ATTORNEY  BY  PRESUMPTION. 

At  the  bar  of  one  of  the  counties  of  Maine,  a  person  nev- 
er admitted  to  practice  had,  by  a  sort  of  common  consent, 
been  permitted  to  do  business  as  an  attorney.  He  rejoiced 
in  the  sobriquet  of  Judge  Bones.  "  Once  on  a  time,"  Colo- 
nel H ,  a  splendid  specimen  of  a  man,  and  one  of  the 

best  common  lawyers  in  the  state,  made  a  motion  for  the 
disposition  of  a  case.     But  Bones  resisted  the  motion. 

Colonel  H ,  knowing  that  the  disposition  he  desired 

was  in  accordance  with  the  wishes  of  the  parties,  pressed 
the  motion,  and  finally  demanded  the  written  authority  of 


312  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


Bones  to  appear  in  the  case,  and  remarked  that  "  it  did  not 
appear  that  he  was  an  attorney  of  the  court." 

"The  presumption  is,  your  honor,"  replied  Judge  B , 

"  that  I  am,  till  the  contrary  appears." 

Colonel  H turned  away,  tearing  off  with  his  teeth  a 

huge  piece  of  paper,  and  muttered,  in  a  voice  audible  all 
over  the  court-room,  "  It's  the  greatest  piece  of  presumption 
I  ever  heard  of,  though  1" 

The  joke  was  of  course  repeated,  and  it  nettled  Bones 
very  much  whenever  he  heard  the  word  mentioned,  and 
any  thing  said  about  "  members  of  the  bar"  or  "  lawyers" 
he  took  in  high  dudgeon.  Especially  was  this  so  when  he 
was  slightly  "  elevated"  by  practice  at  another  bar.  Soon 
after  the  occurrence  above  mentioned  he  was  trying  a  case 
in  a  justice  court  with  a  lawyer  named  Wood.  The  latter, 
in  his  argument,  stated  that  he  would  risk  his  reputation  as 
a  lawyer  upon  the  correctness  of  a  certain  proposition. 
Judge  Bones,  who  had  been  half  snoozing,  and  was  in  a 
condition  in  which  he  heard  double  as  well  as  saw  double, 
caught  the  word  "lawyer,"  and  instantly  fired  up,  taking  it 
to  be  an  invidious  allusion  to  himself.  With  a  look  of  in- 
tense scorn  he  commenced  his  reply,  "May  it  please  the 
court,  the  gentleman  says  he  states  the  law  as  a  lawyer. 
He  a  lawyer— a  lawyer!  Fling  a  handful  of  hops  into 
Moosehead  Lake,  and  call  it  beer  /" 


DRAWING  ONE'S  OWN  INFERENCES  AND  JUDGMENT. 

Squire  Joshua  Williams  was  the  first  justice  of  the  peace 
at  the  county  seat  of  Carroll  County,  Mississippi,  when  the 
Choctaw  nation  became  an  integral  portion  of  the  State  of 
Mississippi,  after  the  treaty  of  Dancing  Eabbit  Creek  in 
1833.  He  was  a  plain,  blunt  man,  without  education,  who 
had  squatted  near  the  centre  of  the  county,  and  was  there- 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  313 

fore  elected  a  "justice,"  to  settle  the  innumerable  difficulties 
growing  out  of  the  location  of  roads,  erection  of  mills,  the 
establishment  of  ferries,  etc.  The  county  lines  were  scarce- 
ly defined  before  Mr.  S ,  a  lawyer  from  Tennessee,  and 

Mr.  K ,  a  lawyer  from  Kentucky,  settled  at  the  court- 
house, and  were  engaged  in  all  the  suits  in  this  important 
court.  The  squire,  without  any  pretension  to  learning, 
much  less  a  knowledge  of  the  law,  generally  rendered  very 
prompt  decisions  from  the  bench.  At  intervals  the  records 
were  made  up  by  the  assistance  of  some  friend  who  could 
"  read  and  write."  A  case  of  considerable  consequence, 
which  had  involved  much  discussion  between  the  lawyers, 

was  concluded  by  the  summing  up  facts  by  Mr.  S ,  in 

an  ingenious  and  imposing  manner,  "  leaving  the  court  to 
draw  its  own  inferences."  This  was  the  last  say,  and  the  case 

seemed  hopeless  to  Mr.  K ,  who  sat  near  the  squire, 

who  hesitated  for  a  moment,  seemed  confused,  and,  turning 

to  Mr.  K ,  said,  "As  you  are  pert  with  a  pen,  will  you  be 

good  enough  to  draw  up  the  inferences  in  the  case  ?"     Mr. 

K reached  to  the  docket  and  entered  a  judgment  for 

his  client,  which  was  immediately  signed  by  the  squire,  and 
the  court  was  adjourned.  The  squire  was  not  thereafter 
troubled  to  draw  his  "  own  inferences." 


A  DECIDED   COURT  OF  ERRORS. 

In  a  small  town  in  Northern  Indiana,  an  attorney  by  the 

name  of  H was  arguing  a  question  before  Judge  C , 

after  the  court  had  plainly  intimated  its  view  of  the  matter. 

H persisted  in  his  remarks,  and  the  judge,  who  was  in 

a  hurry  at  the  time,  said, 

"  The  court  has  made  up  its  mind  on  that  subject ;  if 
you  don't  think  it  is  right,  you  can  take  it  up  to  the  Court 
of  Errors  and  have  the  decision  reversed." 


314  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"If  this  is  not  a  Court  of  Errors,"  was  the  reply,  "I 
would  like  to  know  where  you  would  find  it !" 


CHABACTERISTIC  WESTERN  DECLARATION  AND  PLEA. 

Some  years  since,  previous  to  the  adoption  of  the  Code 
in  Kentucky,  the  following  declaration  and  plea  were  filed 
in  the  Whitely  Circuit  Court.  The  plaintiff,  Goins,  didn't 
like  it  to  go  out  that  any  man  could  abuse  him  so  badly  as 
the  plea  set  up  that  the  defendants  had,  and  dismissed  his 
suit: 

State  of  Kentucky.  ")  Canada  Goins,  plaintiff,  by  his 
Whitely  Circuit  Court.)  attorney,  complains  of  Thomas  E. 
Harmon  and  Cornelius  Finlay,  defendants,  of  a  plea  of  tres- 
pass vi  et  armis. 

For  that  the  said  defendants,  on  the  day  of  ,  18 — , 
at  the  state  and  circuit  aforesaid,  with  force  and  arms,  as- 
saulted the  said  plaintiff  (to  wit),  and  then  and  there  seized 
and  laid  hold  of  the  plaintiff,  and  with  great  force  and  vio- 
lence pulled,  shook,  and  dragged  about  the  said  plaintiff, 
and  gave  and  struck  the  said  plaintiff  a  great  many  violent 
blows  and  strokes  on  divers  parts  of  his  body,  and  then 
and  there,  with  great  force  and  violence,  knocked,  cast,  and 
threw  him,  the  said  plaintiff,  down  and  upon  the  ground, 
and  then  and  there  violently  kicked  the  said  plaintiff,  and 
gave  and  struck  him  a  great  many  other  blows,  and  other 
wrongs  did  to  the  said  plaintiff  then  and  there  did  against 
the  peace  and  dignity  of  the  Commonwealth  of  Kentucky, 
and  to  the  damage  of  the  said  plaintiff  two  thousand  dollars 
— and  therefore  he  brings  his  suit. 

Thomas  Harmon  \      And  the  defendant  comes  and  ac- 
vs.  >- knowledges  the  force  and  injury  corn- 

Canada  Goins.    )  plained  of  in  plaintiff's  declaration  in 
said  action  sworn  because  he  says  that  he  did  draw  back 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  315 

his  fist  and  hit  plaintiff  at  the  but  of  the  ear,  and  knock 
him  heels  over  head,  and  as  he  arose  he  gave  him  a  tre- 
mendous kick,  and  turned  him  about  three  times  over,  and 
as  the  plaintiff  arose  the  second  time  he  arose  a-running, 
and  defendant  after  him,  and  as  the  plaintiff  run  he  hallooed 
murder  every  jump  for  about  two  hundred  yards,  when 
defendant,  being  faster  on  foot  than  the  plaintiff,  caught 
him  again,  and  did  then  and  there  cuff,  flog,  castigate,  and 
whip  the  said  plaintiff  until  he  begged  and  plead  with  him, 
and  said,  in  a  pitiful  and  plaintive  tone,  Don't,  Tom !  don't 
Tom!  and  promised  the  defendant,  if  he  would  let  him 
alone,  he  would  always  behave  himself  well,  and  love  this 
defendant;  and  after  the  matter  was  all  over  he  came  to 
defendant  in  cool  blood  and  agreed  with  defendant  that  if 
defendant  would  never  whip  him  any  more  that  he  would 
not  sue  this  defendant  for  the  above  thrashing,  which  de- 
fendant agreed  to,  and  has  not  whipped  him  since,  which 
agreement  this  defendant  relies  on  as  a  bar  to  this  action  ; 
and  this,  and  no  other,  is  the  trespass  complained  of  in  the 
plaintiff's  declaration,  and  this  he  is  ready  to  verify. 


TESTIMONY,  NOT  ARGUMENT,  WANTED. 

Soon  after  Judge  H ,  of  Northwestern  Indiana,  com- 
menced the  practice  of  law,  he  was  engaged  in  trying  a 
small  matter  of  accounts  before  a  justice  of  the  peace,  an- 
other young  lawyer  being  employed  on  the  other  side. 
There  was  not  much  to  be  said,  it  is  true ;  and  about  the 

time  they  got  through  with  the  testimony,  Judge  H 

noticed  the  justice  figuring  on  a  piece  of  paper  and  writing 
in  the  docket.  As  soon  as  the  last  witness  was  through  he 
got  up  to  argue  his  side  of  the  case.  The  court,  who  was  of 
a  thirsty  temperament,  got  up,  and  as  he  left  the  bench,  said 
coolly,  "  Young  men,  you  can  go  on  with  your  arguments ; 


316  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


I  will  be  in  pretty  soon.     The  judgment  is  fifty  dollars!" 
They  didn't  proceed. 


SENSIBLE  ADVICE. 

The  late  J M was  for  many  years  the  leader  of 

the  bar  in  New  Hampshire,  and  one  of  the  most  estimable 

of  men.     Between  Mr.  M and  Judge  C a  feeling 

of  intimacy  existed  that  seemed  to  justify  in  each  a  joke  at 
the  expense  of  the  other.  Among  the  cases  to  be  tried  in 

the  court  over  which  Judge  C presided  was  one  for 

theft.  On  being  called,  the  prisoner,  aware  that  the  proof 
was  too  positive  to  admit  of  any  doubt  of  conviction,  and 
intending  to  plead  guilty  and  throw  himself  upon  the 
mercy  of  the  court,  appeared  without  counsel.  In  such 
cases  it  was  customary  for  the  judge  to  appoint  counsel,  al- 
ways selecting  from  the  younger  members  of  the  bar. 
Here  was  an  opportunity  too  good  to  be  lost  for  Judge 
C to  wipe  off  at  least  one  of  the  scores  of  jokes  stand- 
ing to  his  debit  in  his  account  with  Mr.  M .  So,  quite 

deliberately,  the  judge  appointed  him  to  defend  the  prison- 
er. Mr.  M thanked  the  judge  for  the  compliment  and 

promptly  accepted  the  appointment,  remarking  that  as  the 
case  was  new  to  him  he  should  like  a  few  minutes'  private 
conversation  with  his  client  "  Certainly,"  replied  the 
judge,  immediately  directing  the  sheriff  to  conduct  Mr. 

M and  the  prisoner  to  a  private  room.     On  leaving, 

the  judge,  with  a  peculiar  smile  which  Mr.  M well  un- 
derstood, expressed  the  hope  that  he  would  give  his  friend 
some  good  advice.  Locking  the  door  of  the  room  to 

which  the  sheriff  had  conducted  them,  Mr.  M asked 

the  prisoner  if  he  was  guilty.  "  Guilty,"was  the  frank  re- 
ply. "  Do  you  see  the  woods  yonder  ?"  "  Yes."  "  Well, 
beyond  them  is  a  small  brook,  the  dividing  line  between 


WESTERN  LEGAL  WITS.  317 

i 

the  two  counties ;  once  over  that  brook  you  are  out  of  the 
jurisdiction  of  this  court;  and  if  you  are  as  guilty  as  you 
say  you  are,  I  advise  you  to  lose  no  time  in  passing  that 
line."  No  sooner  said  than  done :  out  of  the  open  window 
he  jumped,  and  run  for  dear  life.  The  court,  getting  impa- 
tient, sent  the  sheriff  for  them.  Keturning  without  the 

prisoner,  the  judge  asked  Mr.  M where  he  was.    "  May 

it  please  your  honor,"  he  replied,  "as  we  were  leaving  this 
room  for  a  private  consultation,  you  kindly  expressed  the 
hope  that  I  would  give  my  friend  the  prisoner  some  good 
advice ;  and  learning  from  him  that  he  was  guilty,  and  act- 
ing in  accordance  with  your  suggestion,  I  advised  him  to 
cut  and  run,  and  the  last  I  saw  of  him  he  was  streaking 
it  for  the  adjoining  county  as  though  the  very  evil  one  was 
after  him."  The  judge  concluded  that  he  had  not  made 
much  progress  in  squaring  accounts. 


"DOING  WELL"  IN  THE  ILLINOIS  SENSE. 

There  were  few  abler  lawyers  in  the  State  of  Illinois 
during  the  past  quarter  of  a  century  than  the  late  Judge 
Purple,  of  Peoria.  He  was  the  author  of  several  important 
law-books,  and  by  his  entire  devotion  to  his  profession  had 
attained  a  merited  celebrity  both  as  an  advocate  and  a 
jurist. 

Some  years  since,  Judge  P.,  when  in  the  city  of  Wash- 
ington, met  with  a  gentleman  from  Boston,  who,  upon 
learning  that  the  judge  was  from  Illinois,  made  particular 
inquiry  as  to  the  success  of  a  young  sprig  of  the  law,  by 

the  name  of  B ,  who  had  emigrated  "  West"  some  five 

years  before.  "He  is  doing  well,"  promptly  replied  the 
judge.  "He  is;  well, I  am  glad  to  hear  it — glad  to  hear 
it,  indeed,"  continued  his  friend.  "You  think  he  has  a 
good  "practice,  do  you,  judge?"  "Don't  know  any  thing 


318  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


about  his  practice,"  replied  Purple;  "but  he  is  doing  well 
— succeeding  finely."  "  Making  money,  then,  is  he  ?"  per- 
sisted Boston.  "  I  tell  you  I  don't  know  any  thing  about 
his  business,"  said  Purple.  "Well,"  said  the  Boston  man, 

"you  seem  to  think  B is  doing  well,  and  yet  you 

know  nothing  about  his  practice  or  business ;  what  do  you 
mean?"  "I  mean  just  this,"  said  Purple;  "that  any  man 
who  practices  law  in  Illinois  five  years  and  keeps  out  of 
the  penitentiary  is  doing  well,  whether  he  has  much  prac- 
tice or  not !" 


OTtiriw. 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  321 


CHAPTER  YI. 

MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  PUNS,  AND  POEMS. 


DEFINITION  OF  A  LAWYER. 

IN  one  of  the  old  English  comedies  is  introduced  the 
character  of  a  learned  and  jocose  pedant,  Sir  Andrew  All- 
realize,  who  is  compiling  a  dictionary  of  the  English  tongue, 
for  which  he  claims  both  learning  and  humor.  He  defines 
therein  a  lawyer  to  be  "a  man  who  lives  by  litigation,  dec- 
laration, replication,  consultation,  cross-examination,  bother- 
ation, damnation  (of  others),  and  who,  on  the  day  of  trial, 
proposes  arbitration,  keeps  his  fee,  and  returns  his  brief." 

Ben  Jonson,  in  his  Volpone,  or  the  Fox,  with  more  wit,  and 
perhaps  not  less  truth,  speaks  of  a  lawyer  as  one  with 

"  So  wise,  so  grave,  of  so  perplexed  a  tongue, 
And  loud  withal,  that  would  not  wag,  nor  scarce 
Lie  still  without  a  fee. " 

Another  poet,  turning  his  attention  to  the  law  itself,  has 
defined  it  as  follows : 

"Law  is  like  longitude,  '  about,' 
Never  completely  yet  found  out, 

Though  practiced  notwithstanding. 
'Tis  like  the  Fatalist's  strange  creed, 
Which  justifies  a  wicked  deed 

While  sternly  reprimanding.'' 


THE   IDENTITY  OF  DUCKS. 

At  a  term  of  the  Court  of  Sessions  a  man  was  brought 
up  by  a  farmer  accused  of  stealing  some  ducks. 

X 


322  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

"How  do  you  know  they  are  your  ducks?"  asked  the 
defendant's  counsel. 

"  Oh !  I  should  know  them  any  where,"  replied  the  farm- 
er; and  he  went  on  to  describe  their  different  peculiari- 
ties. 

"  Why,"  said  the  prisoner's  counsel,  "  those  ducks  can't 
be  such  a  rare  breed;  I  have  some  very  like  them  in  my 
own  yard." 

" That's  not  unlikely,  sir,"  replied  the  farmer ;  "they  are 
not  the  only  ducks  I  have  had  stolen  lately." 

"Call  the  next  witness,"  quickly  exclaimed  the  discon- 
certed lawyer. 


A   CUTE   LAWYER. 

A  gentleman,  dying,  left  all  his  estate  to  a  monastery, 
on  condition  that  on  the  return  of  his  only  son,  who  was 
then  abroad,  the  worthy  fathers  should  give  him  "  whatever 
they  should  choose."  When  the  son  came  home  he  went 
to  the  monastery,  and  received  but  a  small  share,  the  monks 
choosing  to  keep  the  greater  part  for  themselves.  A  bar- 
rister to  whom  he  applied,  on  mention  of  the  case,  advised 
him  to  sue  the  monastery,  and  promised  to  gain  his  cause. 
The  gentleman  followed  his  advice. 

"  The  testator,"  said  the  ingenious  barrister,  "  has  left  his 
son  that  share  of  the  estate  which  the  monks  should  choose; 
these  are  the  express  words  of  his  will.  Now  it  is  plain 
what  part  they  have  chosen  by  what  they  keep  for  them- 
selves. My  client,  then,  stands  upon  the  words  of  the  will. 
'Let  me  have,'  says  he,  'that  part  they  have  chosen,  and  I 
am  satisfied,' "  and  he  gained  the  suit. 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  323 


SPEAKING-  LONGER  THAN  HE   PLEASED. 

A  lawyer  having  wearied  the  court  by  a  long  and  dull 
argument,  the  judge  suggested  the  expediency  of  his  bring- 
ing it  to  a  close. 

"  I  shall  speak  as  long  as  I  please,"  he  replied,  angrily. 

"You  have  spoken  longer  than  you  pleased  already," 
answered  the  judge. 


GRAND  JURISPRUDENCE. 

The  grand  jury  in  the  Criminal  Court  of  Baltimore  City 
had  quite  a  dispute  with  Judge  Bond,  and  a  good  deal  of 
bickering  among  themselves.  They  were  finally  reminded 
by  the  judge  that  it  was  highly  improper  for  them  to  pub- 
licly disclose  what  had  transpired  in  their  room,  and  re- 
quested them  to  retire.  Whereupon  a  witty  lawyer  re- 
marked, "  The  whole  proceeding  was  what  might  be  proper- 
ly classed  as  a  racy  specimen  of  grand  jury's  prudence"  (ju- 
risprudence). 


A  QUICK-WITTED  WITNESS. 

A  lawyer,  who  prided  himself  upon  his  skill  in  cross- 
examining  a  witness,  had  once  an  odd-looking  genius  upon 
whom  to  operate. 

"You  say,  sir,  that  the  prisoner  is  a  thief?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  because  she  confessed  it." 

"  And  you  also  swear  that  she  bound  shoes  for  you  sub- 
sequent to  the  confession  ?" 

"  I  do,  sir." 

"  Then,"  giving  a  sagacious  look  to  the  court,  "are  we  to 
understand  that  you  employ  dishonest  persons  to  work  for 
you,  even  after  their  rascalities  are  known  ?" 


324  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"  Of  course ;  how  else,  pray,  could  I  get  assistance  from  a 
lawyer?" 

The  witness  was  peremptorily  ordered  to  "  stand  down." 


A  LEGAL  JOKE  FOR  THE   REVENUE  OFFICERS. 

A  plaintiff  sued  before  a  Wisconsin  justice  for  damages 
caused  by  the  bite  of  defendant's  dog;  and  on  the  trial, 
being  examined  on  his  own  behalf,  under  the  statute,  he 
was  asked  "  how  much  he  was  damaged  by  the  dog."  Ob- 
jection being  made  by  defendant's  counsel,  the  esquire, 
who  was  a  Hibernian,  said  he  would  put  the  question  him- 
self, which  he  did  thus : 

"  This  is  the  question.  "What  would  ye  tak  to  be  bit  by 
the  same  dog  agin  ?" 

Exemplary  damages  were  recovered. 


THE   GRIEF-STRICKEN  CRIER. 

A  judge  did  once  his  tipstaff  call, 

And  say,  "Sir,  I  desire 
You  go  forthwith  and  search  the  hall. 

And  bring  me  in  the  crier." 

"And  search  in  vain,  my  lord,  I  may,' 

The  tipstaff  gravely  said ; 
"The  crier  can  not  cry  to-day, 

Because  his  wife  is  dead." 


HIRSUTE  WIT. 

Two  lawyers  in  a  country  court — one  of  whom  had  gray 
hair,  and  the  other,  though  just  as  old  a  man  as  his  learned 
friend,  had  hair  which  looked  suspiciously  black — had  some 
altercation  about  a  question  of  practice,  in  which  the  gen- 
tleman with  the  dark  hair  remarked  to  his  opponent, 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  325 

"  A  person  at  your  time  of  life,  sir,"  looking  at  the  bar- 
rister's gray  head,  "  ought  to  have  long  enough  experience 
to  know  what  is  customary  in  such  cases." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  was  the  reply,  "you  may  stare  at  my  gray  hair 
if  you  like.  My  hair  will  be  gray  as  long  as  I  live,  and 
yours  will  be  black  as  long  as  you  dye." 


A  TIGHT  CASE. 

"Come  here,  my  lad,"  said  an  attorney  to  a  lad  about 
nine  years  old.  "A  case  is  between  the  devil  and  the 
people;  which  do  you  think  will  be  most  likely  to  gain 
the  action  ?"  The  boy  replied, 

"  I  guess  it  will  be  a  tight  squeeze :  the  people  have  the 
money,  but  the  devil  has  the  lawyers." 


A  GAME  WITH  COURT  CARDS. 

Several  years  ago  the  Circuit  Court  was  in  session  at 
-,  Wisconsin,  Judge  presiding.     A  man  was  on 


trial  for  some  violation  of  the  law  to  suppress  gambling. 
Mr.  K— —  was  defending  him.  The  witness  upon  the 
stand  talked  glibly  of  " checking"  "passing"  "going  Hind" 
etc.  The  defendant's  counsel  seemed  to  understand  the 
terms  without  difficulty.  The  judge,  who  enjoyed  a  joke, 
said  to  him, 

"  Mr.  K ,  you  seem  to  understand  the  witness ;  will 

you  explain  the  terms  used  by  him?"  A  scarcely  sup- 
pressed laugh  ran  through  the  court-room.  But  K 

was  equal  to  the  emergency  ;  he  walked  deliberately  up  to 
the  judge's  bench,  and  reaching  out  his  hand  in  the  most 
innocent  manner  in  the  world,  answered, 

"Certainly,  sir,  certainly,  if  your  honor  will  be  kind 
enough  to  lend  me  your  deck" 


326  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


LEGAL  DEFINITIONS. 

For  pay,  to  prove  an  honest  man's  a  thief, 
For  pay,  to  break  the  widow's  heart  with  grief, 
To  stifle  truth,  for  lies  to  gain  belief — 
That's  a  brief! 

Ten  thousand  words,  when  ten  would  serve  the  need, 
Ten  thousand  meanings,  discord  meant  to  breed, 
Where  none  can  understand,  and  few  can  read — 
That's  a  deed ! 


JUSTICE  IN  NEW  YORK. 

The  following  witty  epigram  was  written  on  a  wall  of 
the  City  Hall  in  New  York,  the  dome  of  which  is  graced 
by  a  figure  of  justice : 

"The  lawyers  all,  both  great  and  small, 

Come  here  to  cheat  the  people  ; 
For  be  it  known  that  justice's  flown, 
And  perches  on  the  steeple." 


AN  IRISHMAN'S  IDEA  OF  DUELING. 

A  famous  duelist  challenged  an  Irish  barrister  for  some 
remark  made  by  the  barrister  while  the  duelist  was  giving 
his  testimony  on  the  stand  in  some  important  case.  The 
barrister  knew  precisely  as  much  about  fighting  as  a  fancy 
boxer  about  Milton's  "Paradise  Lost."  His  friends  told 
him,  however,  that  there  was  no  way  to  avoid  the  scrape, 
and  it  was  certainly  expected  of  him  either  to  fight  or 
apologize.  This  settled  the  point,  for  the  proud  little  Hi- 
bernian, though  he  would  rather  eat  than  fight,  still  infi- 
nitely preferred  being  shot  to  making  an  apology.  So  the 
two  duelists,  with  their  seconds,  etc.,  were  soon  upon  the 
battle-ground.  The  challenger  was  notorious  as  a  great 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  327 

pistol-shot,  and  had  fought  some  half  dozen  duels  before,  in 
one  of  which  he  was  so  badly  wounded  as  to  be  left  a  crip- 
ple for  life.  When  other  preliminaries  were  arranged,  he 
requested,  through  his  second,  one  favor  from  his  adver- 
sary, which  was  permission  to  stand  up  against  a  mile-stone 
that  was  on  the  chosen  ground.  He  sought  no  advantage, 
but  wished  to  lean  upon- the  stone,  being  too  lame  to  stand 
without  support.  His  request  was  at  once  granted,  and 
just  as  the  word  was  about  to  be  given,  the  lawyer  issued 
the  mandate  to  stay  proceedings,  as  he  had  also  a  request 
to  make.  In  the  gravest  manner  in  the  world,  he  solicited 
permission  to  lean  against  the  next  mile-stone,  and  the  joke 
was  so  good  that  the  challenger  took  his  revenge  out  in  a 
hearty  roar  of  laughter,  withdrawing  his  deadly  defiance, 
and  declaring  that  he  could  never  shoot  a  man  of  such  ex- 
cellent humor. 


A  LEGAL  DECLARATION  OF  LOVE. 

Fee  simple  and  a  simple  fee, 

And  all  the  fees  in  tail, 
Are  nothing  when  compared  to  thee, 

Thou  best  of  fees — female ! 


AN  AMPLE  APOLOGY. 

A  lawyer  of  fluid  tendencies  was  discussing  some  nice 
point  of  law,  and,  getting  out  of  patience  at  the  inability  of 
the  court  to  take  his  own  view  of  it,  said  the  intellect  of  the 
court  was  so  dark  a  flash  of  lightning  could  not  penetrate 
it.  The  judge,  being  a  new-comer,  and  not  knowing  the 
peculiarities  and  failings  of  the  man,  imposed  a  severe  pun- 
ishment on  him  for  contempt  of  court.  Some  of  the  law- 
yer's friends  stated  the  case  to  his  honor,  and  the  punish- 


328  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


ment  was  remitted  on  the  condition  that  he  should  publicly 
apologize  to  the  court.  He  was  accordingly  brought  up 
the  following  morning,  and  made  amends  by  saying, 

"  I  regret  very  much  that  I  said,  in  the  heat  of  the  mo- 
ment, that  the  intellect  of  the  court  was  so  dark  lightning 
could  not  penetrate  it.  I  guess  it  could  ;  it  is  a  very  pene- 
trating tiling" 


A  POETICAL  WILL. 

The  following  will  was  duly  proved  in  the  Prerogative 
Court  of  Canterbury,  England : 

' '  What  I  am  going  to  bequeath, 
When  this  frail  part  submits  to  death — 
But  still  I  hope  the  spark  divine, 
With  its  congenial  stars  will  shine — 
My  good  executors,  fulfill ; 
And  pay  ye  fairly  my  last  will, 
With  first  and  second  codicil. 
And  first  I  give  to  dear  Lord  Hinton, 
At  Twyford  school  now,  not  at  Winton, 
One  hundred  guineas  and  a  ring, 
Or  some  such  memorandum  thing. 
And  truly  much  I  should  have  blundered 
Had  I  not  given  another  hundred 
To  dear  Earl  Paulett's  second  son, 
Who  dearly  loves  a  little  fun. 
Unto  my  nephew,  Stephen  Langdon, 
Of  whom  none  says  he  ere  has  wrong  done — 
The  civil  law  he  loves  to  hash — 
I  give  two  hundred  pounds  in  cash. 
One  hundred  pounds  to  my  niece  Tudor 
(With  luring  eyes  one  Clark  did  view  her) ; 
And  to  her  children,  just  among  'em, 
A  hundred  more ;  and,  not  to  wrong  'em, 
In  equal  share  I  freely  give  it, 
Not  doubting  but  they  will  receive  it. 
To  Betsy  Mudford  and  Mary  Lee, 
If  they  with  Mrs.  Mudford  be, 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  329 

Because  they  round  the  year  did  dwell 

In  Davies  Street,  and  served  full  well ; 

The  first  ten  pounds,  the  other  twenty, 

And,  girls,  I  hope  that  will  content  ye. 

In  seventeen  hundred  and  sixty-nine, 

This  with  my  hand  I  write  and  sign, 

The  sixteenth  day  of  fair  October, 

In  merry  mood,  but  sound  and  sober. 

Past  my  threescore  and  fifteenth  year, 

With  spirits  gay  and  conscience  clear  ; 

Joyous  and  frolicsome,  though  old, 

And,  like  this  day,  serene,  but  cold. 

To  foes  well-wishing,  and  to  friends  most  kind, 

In  perfect  charity  with  all  mankind. 

For  what  remains,  I  must  desire 

To  use  the  words  of  Matthew  Prior : 

'  Let  this  my  will  be  well  obeyed, 

And  farewell  all ;  I'm  not  afraid ; 

For  what  avails  a  struggling  sigh, 

When  soon  or  later  all  must  die?' 

"M.  DARLET." 


PAID  FOB  HOLDING  HIS  TONGUE. 

A  young  pert,  prating  lawyer  one  day  boasted  to  the 
facetious  Costello  that  he  had  received  five -and -twenty 
guineas  for  speaking  in  a  certain  cause. 

"And  I,"  said  Costello,  who  was  to  have  been  a  wit- 
ness in  the  case,  "  received  double  that  sum  for  holding  my 
tongue." 


OVERSHOOTING  THE  MARK. 

Some  years  since  the  case  of  a  sister  of  a  man  deceased 
against  the  administrators  came  up  in  one  of  the  New  York 
Circuit  Courts.  The  plaintiff  brought  suit  for  twenty-six 
hundred  dollars,  amount  claimed  for  thirteen  years'  services, 
during  which  time  she  had  attended  to  and  taken  care  of 


330  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


her  brother,  who  had  died  without  rewarding  her  pecuni- 
arily for  her  really  invaluable  devotion. 

There  being  a  great  number  of  cases  in  court,  by  consent 
of  counsel  the  matter  was  submitted  to  three  referees,  who, 
after  hearing  the  arguments  pro  and  con,  were  to  decide 
whether  the  bill  should  be  allowed  or  not.  At  the  appoint- 
ed time  the  room  was  crowded  with  spectators,  and  no  little 
interest  was  manifested  in  the  result.  The  counsel  for  the 
plaintiff,  a  sedate  and  solemn  man,  concluded  that  the  best 
way  to  secure  his  ends  was  by  adopting  the  pathetic.  Ac- 
cordingly he  began : 

"  Gentlemen,  for  thirteen  long  years  did  my  client  devote 
herself  to  her  unfortunate  brother.  With  an  affection  such 
as  only  a  sister  can  feel  did  she  minister  to  his  every  want. 
Patiently,  faithfully  she  toiled,  never  complaining,  never  un- 
willing, never  murmuring;  and  never  was  she  rewarded, 
except  in  that  inward  consciousness  of  having  done  a  noble 
and  self-sacrificing  deed.  Yes,  gentlemen,  for  thirteen  long 
years  she  toiled  and  labored,  and  during  that  time  she  never 
received  enough  to  buy  her  a  pair  of  pantaloons  /" 

The  perfect  simplicity  of  this  forgetfulness  of  his  client's 
sex  was  so  apparent,  and  the  mistake  so  natural,  the  flight 
from  the  pathetic  to  the  broad  ridiculous  was  so  sudden 
and  complete,  that  the  effect  can  scarcely  be  imagined. 


A  JUDGE  WHO  WAS  NEVER  JUST  BEFORE. 

Mr.  Justice  Page  was  renowned  for  his  ferocity  on  the 
bench.  While  going  to  circuit,  a  facetious  lawyer,  named 
Crowe,  was  asked  if  "  the  judge  was  not  just  behind." 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  Crowe,  "  but  if  he  is,  I  am  sure  he 
was  never  just  before." 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  331 


AN  ABLE   EXAMINATION. 

The  late  Governor  Mattox,  of  Vermont,  was  chairman  of 
a  committee  appointed  to  examine  candidates  for  admission 
to  the  bar  of  Caledonia  County,  Vermont,  and  reported  that 
one  of  them  was  not  qualified  for  admission,  for  he  had  an- 
swered but  one  question  right  which  had  been  asked  him. 

"And  what  was  that  question,  Brother  Mattox?"  in- 
quired the  presiding  judge. 

"We  asked  him,  your  honor,  what  a  freehold  estate  is, 
and  he  answered  Tie  didn't  know!" 


RETAINED  FOR  THE  SNAKE. 

Colonel  T  -  ,  at  present  occupying  a  high  federal  of- 
fice in  California,  found  himself  some  time  since  in  Yreka, 
a  mining  town  in  the  north  of  California.  An  immensely 
heavy  losing  at  "  poker"  one  night  left  him  without  money 
to  pay  his  bills  or  get  away,  and  he  remained  in  bed  late  in 
great  disgust.  During  the  morning  a  man  came  to  the 
landlord  of  the  hotel,  and  told  him  he  needed  a  first-rate 
lawyer  to  conduct  an  important  case  for  him.  The  land- 
lord told  him  that  a  celebrated  San  Francisco  lawyer  was 
up  stairs,  and  showed  him  up  to  Colonel  T  -  ,  who  listen- 
ed with  great  eagerness  to  the  man's  story.  His  case  was 
this  :  A  neighbor  had  a  pet  rattlesnake  which  had  escaped 
from  his  cage  and  bitten  the  complainant's  horse.  The 
horse  died,  and  he  wanted  to  prosecute  for  damages,  and  a 
first-class  lawyer  to  bring  suit. 

"How  much  was  your  horse  worth?"  asked  Colonel 


"  Five  dollars,"  was  the  reply. 

"I  am  very  sorry,"  said  Colonel  T  -  ,  "that  I  can't 
serve  you.     I  am  retained  for  the  snake!" 


332  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


HONEST  LAWYERS  A  SCARCE   COMMODITY. 

Quite  a  number  of  persons  were  chatting  before  the 
court-house  door  in  the  town  of  Anderson  while  waiting 
for  court  to  be  called,  and  among  other  subjects  discussed 
the  character  of  a  lawyer  named  Scarce,  deceased  a  short 
time  before.  There  was  a  general  agreement  that  he  had 
been  an  Jionest  man.  A  young  and  talented  lawyer,  named 

B ,  was  striding  importantly  up  and  down,  and  in  a 

pause  in  the  conversation  stopped  and  said,  grandiloquent- 
ly, "  An  honest  man's  a  noble  work  of  God,  but  an  honest 
lawyer's  the  noblest  work  of  God !"  An  old  backwoodsman, 
a  suitor  in  the  crowd,  instantly  and  eagerly  said, 

"  It's  the  skeercest  work  of  God  !" 


A  JURY  OF  HIS  PEERS. 

Parsons,  a  lawyer  in  Chicago,  was  trying  a  case  before  a 
jury,  being  counsel  for  the  prisoner.  The  judge  was  very 
hard  on  him,  and  the  jury  brought  in  a  verdict  of  guilty. 
Parsons  moved  for  a  new  trial.  The  judge  denied  his  mo- 
tion, and  remarked, 

"  The  court  and  the  jury  think  the  prisoner  a  knave  and 
a  fool." 

Instantly  the  counsel  replied, 

"  The  prisoner  wishes  me  to  say  he  is  perfectly  satisfied 
— he  has  been  tried  by  a  court  and  jury  of  his  peers  !" 


NO  REFLECTIONS  ON  WASHINGTON  PERMITTED. 

Some  years  since  Seth  P.  Johnson  was  elected  a  member 

of  the Legislature  from  one  of  the  Western  counties. 

Desiring  to  make  a  favorable  impression,  he  prepared  him- 
self with  great  care  for  his  first  speech.     He  commenced : 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  333 

"  Mr.  Speaker,  when  I  reflect  on  the  character  of  General 
Washington — "  and  came  to  a  sudden  stop.  Again  he 
commenced,  "Mr.  Speaker,  when  I  reflect  on  the  character 
of  General  Washington — "  and  again  stopped.  He  essay- 
ed a  third  time,  and  got  no  farther,  when  a  fellow-member 
brought  him  and  the  House  both  down  by  suggesting 
whether  it  was  in  order  for  a  member  of  the  House  to  be 
making  reflections  on  the  character  of  General  Washington! 


MANNERS  NEEDED  MENDING. 

An  American  advocate,  to  "  the  manor  born,"  but  who 
had  in  him  several  drops  of  the  blood  which  flowed  through 
the  veins  of  a  son  of  the  Emerald  Isle,  was  once  cross-ex- 
amining in  the  Court  of  Common  Pleas  of  New  York  an 
Irishman,  who  was  trying  to  shield  himself  from  the  scru- 
tiny of  his  tormentor  by  endeavoring  to  get  the  advocate 
excited,  and  in  his  answers  to  a  number  of  questions  used 
the  latter's  name  with  the  prefix  of  an  0,  to  which  it  was 
not  entitled;  for  example:  "Yes,  Misther  O'B.,"  "Not  at 
all,  Mr.  O'B."  Mr.  O'B.  tried  to  stop  this  by  saying  to  the 
witness, 

"  You  need  not  call  me  '  Mr.  O'B.'  Since  I  came  to  this 
country  I've  mended  my  name  by  dropping  the  0." 

"Have  ye,  now?"  said  Pat,  in  response;  and,  with  the 
same  sarcastic  grin,  "  Ton  me  sowl,  it's  a  pity  ye  didn't 
mend  your  manners  at  the  same  time !" 


A  JUSTICE  IN  A  BAD  BOX. 

Mr.  Justice  Mullen,  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  New  York, 
is  distinguished  for  great  simplicity  of  manner  and  superior 
ability  as  a  judge.  The  exigencies  of  judicial  business  fre- 
quently demand  his  presence  in  this  district.  On  a  recent 


334  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


visit  he  brought  with  him  a  valuable  silver  tea-pot  needing 
a  little  repair,  and  requiring  nicer  manipulation  than  was 
obtainable  at  his  rural  residence.  On  leaving  the  St.  Nich- 
olas Hotel,  where  he  was  stopping,  he  did  precisely  as 
he  would  have  done  at  home — took  the  pot  in  his  hand 
to  carry  to  the  silversmith.  On  coming  out  of  the  door, 
however,  he  thought  he  would  slip  it  under  his  over-coat, 
which  he  did,  but  did  it  just  at  the  moment  a  detective 
happened  to  be  passing,  who  noticed  the  movement,  and 
thought  he  would  "pipe"  the  old  gent.  After  doing  this 
for  a  few  rods,  and  noticing  that  the  party  frequently  cast 
furtive  glances  at  different  objects,  he  became  satisfied  that 
that  pot  must  have  been  purloined  from  the  hotel.  He 
therefore  quietly  tapped  the  judge  on  the  shoulder,  and 
said, 

"  I  want  you !" 

"For  what,  sir?" 

"  Oh,  you  know !     Just  you  come  along  with  me !?' 

"  Come  with  you  ?  What  do  you  mean  ?" — slightly  in- 
dignant. 

"  Oh,  no  use  to  try  that  on  me ;  you  come  quietly  to  the 
station-house,  that's  all !  That  tea-pot  under  your  coat — 
you  understand  ?" 

"  Why"  (assuming  a  more  decided  tone),  "  that's  my  tea- . 
pot." 

"  Oh,  certainly  !  by  all  means !  of  course,  it's  your  tea- 
pot ;  'twon't  do,  though ;  that  dodge  is  played  out ;  come 
along,  and  don't  bother!" 

Here  the  judge  stopped  and  said, 

"  Sir,  I  am  Justice  Mullen,  of  the  Supreme  Court  I 
don't  know  you,  nor  what  you  mean,  and  do  not  wish  to  be 
annoyed." 

"You  Justice  Mullen!  Oh,  certainly!  no  doubt  about 
that !  of  course  you're  Justice  Mullen !  Justices  of  the 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  335 

Supreme  Court  are  always  going  down  Broadway  with  sil- 
ver tea-pots  under  their  coats — always  doing  that  sort  of 
thing !  But  that  cock  won't  fight ;  so  come  along,  or  I'll 
make  short  work  with  you." 

"Look  here,  sir!"  said  the  judge,  "here  is  an  establish- 
ment (pointing  to  the  store  in  front  of  which  they  stood), 
the  proprietor  of  which  will  at  once  identify  mex  and  stop 
this  farce." 

"All  right;  go  in  P 

In  they  walked,  but,  unfortunately,  the  proprietor  was 
out.  Detective,  becoming  impatient,  said, 

"  Do  any  of  you  know  this  fellow  ?" 

Not  being  recognized  by  any  of  the  clerical  force,  the 
officer,  thinking  there  had  been  too  much  "  talkee,  talkee" 
already,  insisted  upon  a  prompt  compliance  with  his  req- 
uisition. His  honor  saw  the  ridiculous  predicament  in 
which  he  was  placed,  and  at  once  proposed  to  return  to 
the  hotel,  where  his  identity  could  be  promptly  establish- 
ed. Detective,  sure  he  had  "  nipped"  an  old  and  adroit  of- 
fender, and  thinking  it  might  perhaps  be  well  to  restore  the 
tea-pot  to  the  owners,  and  then  have  his  light-fingered 
friend  committed,  acquiesced,  and  accompanied  the  "hotel 
thief"  to  the  St.  Nicholas.  The  sequel  can  be  better 
imagined  than  written.  A  cheaper-looking,  cheaper-feel- 
ing individual  than  the  "  expert"  it  would  be  difficult  to 
find.  He  is  familiarly  alluded  to  as  "Justice  Mullen,"  but 
he  don't  like  it  much. 


"A   GOOD   MORAL   CHARACTER." 

Michael  Muldoon  was  a  tall,  slim  Irishman,  with  eyes 
full  of  humor,  and  manners  of  the  strictly  private  and  con- 
fidential kind.  In  his  interviews  with  one  he  desired  to 
be  in  such  close  communion  that  the  words  he  used  would 


336  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


fall  sooner  upon  your  lips  than  ears.  'Twas  a  way  he  had, 
but  it  was  an  objectionable  way.  He  came  into  the  Court 
of  Common  Pleas  of  New  York  one  morning  with  a  crowd 
of  other  men,  as  a  witness  for  his  friend,  Thomas  O'Flaher- 
ty,  who  desired  to  become  a  citizen  of  the  United  States. 
He  answered  the  questions  put  to  him  by  the  presiding 
judge,  but  ever  and  anon  endeavoring  to  get  closer  and 
closer  to  his  interrogator,  and  in  his  efforts  leaning  over  the 
rail  which  kept  him  from  the  sacred  precincts  of  the  bench 
until  he  ceased  to  be  upright.  At  length  he  was  asked, 
"Is  Thomas  O'Flaherty  a  man  of  good  moral  character?" 
Drawing  himself  up  to  his  full  height  (six  feet  at  least), 
stepping  back  from  the  rail  as  he  did  so,  and  looking  both 
Astonished  and  indignant,  responded, 

"  Do  you  mane  to  ax  me  if  me  friend  Tom  is  a  man  of 
good  karacther  ?" 

"I  do,"  said  the  judge. 

"  "Well,  then,"  said  he,  "  av  ye  do,  and  it's  jokin'  I  think 
ye  are,  I'll  tell  ye  all  about  it.  He  plays  upon  the  fiddle ; 
he  reads  the  Bible ;  he  doesn't  whip  the  ould  woman,  an' 
he  takes  a  dhrop  of  whisky  now  and  thin.  Will  that  plaze 
ye?" 

The  success  of  this  defense  of  his  friend  was  satisfactory 
to  all  parties  concerned,  and  another  defender  of  the  Union 
walked  gallantly  away. 


A  NOVEL  PLEA. 

Judge  Ingraham,  one  of  the  justices  of  the  Supreme 
Court,  was  presiding  in  the  Court  of  Oyer  and  Terminer  in 
the  city  of  New  York,  when  a  prisoner  was  arraigned  for 
stealing  a  quantity  of  flannel,  which  was  alleged  to  be  worth 
forty-five  dollars,  and  the  offense  charged  was  therefore 
grand  larceny.  'The  prisoner  listened  attentively  to  the 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  337 

reading  of  the  indictment,  and  when  asked,  as  usual,  wheth- 
er he  was  guilty  or  not  guilty,  said, 

"  Not  guilty — the  flannel  wasn't  worth  half  so  much !" 
He  evidently  knew  the  difference  between  grand  larceny 
and  the  state  prison,  and  petit  larceny  with  a  short  resi- 
dence on  Blackwell's  Island. 


A  KIND-HEARTED  JUDGE  SOLD. 

The  Honorable  Eichard  Eiker,  who,  as  recorder,  presided 
many  years  in  the  General  Sessions  of  New  York,  was 
loved  and  respected  by  all  who  knew  him.  He  was  a 
kind-hearted  gentleman  who  leaned  ever  to  the  side  of 
mercy,  and  saved  many  a  trembling  criminal  from  a  life  of 
infamy  by  treating  him  generously,  and  counseling  a  better 
course  of  conduct.  On  one  occasion  a  young  negro  was 
placed  at  the  bar  to  be  sentenced.  He  was  not  more  than 
nineteen  years  old,  and  the  recorder,  influenced  by  his 
youth,  and  assuming  that  he  was  a  novice  in  crime,  after 
commenting  on  the  offense,  and  kindly  to  the  prisoner  of 
its  consequences  upon  the  threshold  of  manhood,  concluded 
by  saying,  "  On  account  of  your  youth,  and  in  the  agree- 
able hope  that  you  will  never  commit  another  offense,  I 
sentence  you  to  confinement  in  the  Penitentiary  for  thirty 
days." 

The  "  dark-eyed  one,"  looking  up  at  the  recorder  with  a 
cheerful  face,  but  with  manners  very  much  "  devil  may 
care,"  exclaimed,  leaving  the  dock  as  he  did  so, 

"  Is  dat  all  for  dis  nigga,  massa !  Dat's  only  a  breakfast 
spell !  I  gets  de  dinner  de  next  time,  I  supposin' — dat's 
so ;  yah,  yah !"  and  he  left  the  court  amid  laughter  which 
could  not  be  instantly  repressed.  He  was  known  afterward 
as  the  Epicurean  colored  bredren  of  many  spells ! 

Y 


338  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


DID  NOT  WANT  A  TRIAL. 

Harry  Vandevoort,  the  amiable,  competent,  and  gentle- 
manly clerk  of  the  Court  of  Sessions  of  New  York,  has 
heard  many  striking  Hibernicisms,  one  of  which  he  tells  in 
this  wise : 

An  Irishman,  who  had  doubtless  been  "  blue-mouldin' 
for  want  of  a  baten,"  and  could  not  resist  the  temptation  to 
have  a  little  exercise,  was  arraigned  for  an  assault  and  bat- 
tery. He  listened  with  apparently  rapt  attention  to  the 
reading  of  the  indictment.  When  that  ceremony  had  end- 
ed, Mr.  Vandevoort  asked  him,  in  accordance  with  the  form 
then  in  use, 

b 

"  Do  you  demand  a  trial  on  this  indictment?" 

Pat,  putting  his  hand  to  his  ear,  and  leaning  forward  in 
seeming  utter  ignorance  of  what  had  been  asked  him,  said, 

"What's  that?" 

Mr.  Vandevoort,  a  little  dashed  by  the  manner  of  the 
man,  repeated  the  question,  and  the  response  was, 

"  The  divil  a  thrial  I  want.  Ye  need  not  give  yourself 
the  throuble  of  thryin'  me.  You  may  as  well  save  the  ex- 
pinse  of  that,  and  put  me  down  innocent.  Contint  am  I  to 
lave  this  wid  me  blessin'  on  ye ;  indade,  I'm  anxious,  for 
me  boss  is  waitin'  for  me  beyant.  Oh  no,  no,  the  divil  a 
.thrial  I  want  at  all,  at  all !" 

All  this  was  said  so  rapidly  that  Mr.  Vandevoort  could 
not  interpose  to  stop  it,  and  the  prisoner  having,  as  he  sup- 
posed, settled  the  business,  attempted  to  leave  the  court, 
but  was  of  course  prevented.  Mr.  Vandevoort,  when  the 
mirth  subsided  which  Pat  had  occasioned,  changed  the 
question,  and  asked  him, 

"  Are  you  guilty  or  not  guilty  ?" 

"What's  that?"  said  he,  again  leaning  forward  with  his 
hand  to  his  ear,  as  if  he  had  not  heard  the  question. 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.          339 

"  Are  you  guilty  or  not  guilty?"  said  Mr.  V. 

The  answer  came  at  once, 

"  Arr'ah,  how  the  divil  can  I  tell  till  I  hear  the  evidence!" 


JUSTICE  NOT  TO  BE  HAD. 

"Do  you  think  I  shall  have  justice  done  me?"  said  a 
culprit  to  his  counsel,  a  shrewd  Kentucky  lawyer  of  the 
best  class  in  that  "eloquent  state." 

" I  am  a  little  afraid  that  you  won't"  replied  the  other ; 
"I  see  two  men  on  the  jury  who  are  opposed  to  hanging." 


CELTIC  WIT. 

An  Irish  counselor  having  lost  his  cause,  which  had 
been  tried  by  three  judges,  one  of  whom  was  esteemed  a 
very  able  lawyer,  though  the  other  two  were  indifferent, 
some  of  the  other  barristers  were  merry  on  the  occasion. 

"  Well,  now,"  said  he,  "  who  could  help  it,  when  there  are 
a  hundred  judges  on  the  bench?" 

"A  hundred !"  said  a  by-stander;  "there  were  but  three." 

"By  St. Patrick!"  replied  he,  "there  were  one  and  two 
ciphers." 


A  HANGING  VERDICT. 

A  jury  in  Alabama  was  impanneled  in  the  case  of  a  Mr. 
Johnson,  charged  with  killing  his  wife.  The  evidence  was 
positive  and  conclusive,  leaving  not  a  doubt  of  his  speedy 
conviction.  To  the  amazement  of  all,  the  jury,  after  a  short 
absence,  returned  a  verdict,  "  Guilty  of  horse -stealing!" 
The  judge,  astonished,  asked  an  explanation,  stating  that 
the  indictment  was  not  for  horse-stealing,  but  manslaughter. 
The  foreman,  with  his  hand  upon  a  huge  law-book,  and 


340  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


with  an  amazingly  dignified  air,  informed  the  court  that  "  it 
was  not  a  case  of  Tnanslaughter,  but  w/omanslaughter,  for 
which  the  law  made  no  provision ;  but,  being  satisfied  the 
man  deserved  to  be  hung,  they  had  brought  in  a  verdict  of 
horse-stealing,  which,  in  that  county,  would  be  sure  to  swing 
him!" 


A  JUDGE  TAKEN  ABACK. 

Judge  Benjamin  Tappan,  at  one  time  United  States  sena- 
tor from  Ohio,  was  remarkable  for  two  piercing  eyes,  whose 
line  .of  vision  crossed  so  closely  above  the  bridge  of  the 
owner's  nose  that  each  appeared  to  be  endeavoring  to  sur- 
mount that  obstacle  to  have  a  combat  with  the  other.  The 
judge  was  holding  court  in  one  of  the  newly  -  organized 
counties  of  the  state  in  which  there  was  not,  as  yet,  any 
jail,  except  a  log  stable  fitted  up  for  that  purpose.  During 
the  sessions  of  the  court  "  a  green  un  from  the  country"  sat 
with  eyes  and  mouth  wide  open,  listening  intently  to  the 
proceedings.  At  length  two  of  the  attorneys  got  into  a 
personal  altercation,  at  which  the  judge  reproved  them 
sharply,  at  the  same  time  giving  them  such  a  look  as  no 
one  with  ordinary  optics  could  command.  This  was  de- 
cidedly a  rich  scene  for  "  green  un,"  who  instantly  shouted, 
"That's  right!  give  it  to  um,  gimlet  eyes!"  A  burst  of 
laughter  succeeded,  and  the  judge,  not  yet  perceiving  who 
it  was  that  had  so  offended  the  dignity  of  the  court,  look- 
ing out  on  the  crowd,  called  out,  "Who  was  that?"  At 
which  the  same  voice,  in  an  effeminate,  drawling  tone,  re- 
sponded, 

"  It  was  this  'ere,  old  hoss." 

"  Sheriff,"  exclaimed  the  judge, "  take  that  horse  and  put 
him  in  the  stabk." 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.          341 


A  PROFESSIONAL  OPINION. 

There  was,  some  years  ago,  in  the  eastern  part  of  the 
Empire  State,  a  very  pompous  gentleman  of  the  legal  pro- 
fession, who  somewhat  resembled  necessity  in  that  he  knew 
no.  law,  but  whose  huge  body  and  conceited  manners  made 
him  the  butt  of  his  professional  brethren.  At  the  same 
bar  practiced  a  keen,  active,  energetic  little  lawyer,  almost 
a  dwarf  in  stature,  but  intellectually  very  much  the  superi- 
or of  his  ponderous  friend.  It  happened,  during  one  of  the 
sessions  of  the  court,  a  heavy  rain  fell,  and  one  morning  the 
wide  street  which  separated  the  court-house  and  tavern 
was  ankle  deep  with  water. 

"B ,  my  dear  little  fellow,"  said  the  gigantic  W , 

"  you  never  can  get  across  the  street  in  this  flood ;  you  will 
certainly  drown.  I  shall  have  to  take  you  across  on  my 
back." 

"  You  would  have  more  law  on  your  back  than  you  ever 
had  in  your  head,"  was  the  ready  retort. 


LEGAL  CONUNDRUM. 

Why  is  a  lawsuit  like  a  wood-saw  ? 

Because  whichever  way  it  goes,  down  comes  the  dust. 

•/  CJ  I 


A  LEGAL   LECTURE  TO  A  CRIMINAL. 

The  county  courts  of  Virginia,  composed  of  justices  of 
the  peace  who  never  studied  law,  furnish  many  amusing 

incidents.     Five  honest  farmers  in  the  county  of  M 

were  convened  as  an  examining  court,  to  determine  by  the 
evidence  whether  a  mere  boy,  who  was  arrested  upon  a 
grave  charge  of  felony,  should  be  "sent  on"  to  the  Circuit 
Court  for  trial.  The  evidence  furnished  the  court  by  the 


BENCH  AND  BAR. 


prosecuting  attorney  was  very  conclusive  against  the  pris- 
oner. The  justices  heard  the  evidence,  and  then  held  a 
consultation  how  they  would  dispose  of  the  case.  After 
some  time  the  court  determined  that,  as  the  prisoner  was 
quite  young  and  might  reform,  they  would,  through  the 
oldest  member  of  the  court,  give  the  young  man  a  severe 
lecture,  and  then  discharge  him.  Accordingly,  old  Squire 

H ,  who  talked  through  his  nose,  arose,  and,  looking 

fiercely  at  the  prisoner,  ordered  him  to  stand  up,  and  then 
commenced  his  lecture : 

"Young  man,  it's  awful — awful,  I  say !"  and  then,  remem- 
bering the  points  of  the  evidence,  his  indignation  reached 
the  highest  point  as  he  exclaimed,  in  thunder  tones,  "  Clear 
out  of  my  sight,  you  ornary  scamp!" 

Thus  closed  the  lecture,  amid  roars  of  laughter  from  the 
spectators. 


CONTINUANCE   ON  THE   GROUND  OF  SURPRISE. 

In  a  murder  trial  in  the  District  Court  at  Austin,  on 
Eeese  River,  a  dog  was  annoying  the  attendants  within  the 
bar  by  prying  his  nose  every  where,  and  getting  between 
the  legs  of  the  persons  present.  The  judge  nodded  to  the 
sheriff,  who  in  an  instant  snatched  the  dog  by  the  throat 
and  jerked  him  out  of  the  window.  The  shock  of  the 
seizure  by  the  sheriff  was  so  great  that  the  cur  did  not 
have  time  to  yelp,  whereupon  a  wag  at  the  bar  whispered 
loud  enough  to  be  heard,  "  That  dog  should  have  moved 
for  a  continuance  upon  the  ground  of  surprise  !•'  The  seri- 
ousness of  the  murder  trial  was  interrupted  by  quite  a  tit- 
ter around  the  bar. 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  343 


PLEADING  GUILTY  FOR  A  CLIENT. 

A  number  of  gamblers  were  indicted  before  the  Circuit 
Court  held  in  B for  indulging  in  certain  practices  con- 
trary to  the  statute  in  such  cases  made  and  provided.  The 
delinquents,  finding  that  the  prosecuting  attorney  had  "a 
sure  thing  on  them,"  concluded  not  to  come  before  the 

court  in  person,  but  retained  Mr.  H to  appear  for  them, 

plead  guilty,  and  pay  the  fine.  Accordingly,  when  the  case 
was  called,  Mr.  H rose,  and  the  following  colloquy  en- 
sued: 

Mr.  H .  "  I  appear  for  the  defendants,  and  plead 

guilty." 

Judge  (entering  on  the  docket).  Mr.  H appears,  pleads 

guilty,  and  is  fined — " 

Mr.  H .  "But,  your  honor,  I  have  not  yet  received 

the  money  for  the  fine.  I  expect  it  to-morrow." 

Judge.  "  It  makes  no  difference,  sir.  You  are  fined,  and 
stand  committed  to  jail  until  it  is  paid." 

H 's  blank  look,  as  he  drew  out  his  private  pocket- 
book,  and  muttered,  "You  won't  catch  me  again  in  this 
way,"  was  slightly  amusing. 


ALLEGATION  AND  ALLIGATOR. 

"When  Minnesota  was  a  Territory,  Squire  F acted  as 

justice  of  the  peace  in  the  town  of  H .     He  was  more 

noted  for  his  frankness,  and  the  pointed  manner  in  which 
he  expressed  his  opinions,  than  for  his  choice  selection  of 
words.  One  day,  when  a  suit  was  on  trial  before  him,  the 
counsel  for  the  defendant  claimed  that  the  allegations  con- 
tained in  the  plaintiff's  complaint  were  false,  and  moved  to 

have  them  stricken  out.     Squire  F patiently  heard  the 

counsel  for  the  plaintiff  in  support  of  his  complaint  and  in 


344  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


opposition  to  t!he  motion,  and  the  counsel  for  the  defendant 
in  reply.  He  then  gave  his  decision  in  the  following  lan- 
guage : 

"  It  is  the  opinion  of  this  court  that  the  allegations  in 
the  plaintiff's  complaint  are  false,  and"  (pointing  to  the 
plaintiff's  counsel)  "  that  that  are  alligator  knew  it  when  he 
made  them !" 


A  LAW  KEPORT  IN  RHYME. 

Two  cousins  claimed  an  account,  each  against  the  other, 
and  litigated  very  spiritedly.  The  case  was  reported  as 
"Owen  Kerr  vs.  Owen  Kerr."  While  this  trial  was  in 
progress,  a  prominent  member  of  the  bar,  possessing  a  de- 
cided poetical  turn  of  mind,  composed  the  following  lines 
on  the  true  merits  of  the  case,  which  are  too  good  to  be 
lost,  though  not  legitimately  belonging  to  the  regular  "  la*w 
report :" 

OWEN   KERR    VS.   OWEN    KERR. 

If  the  strife  in  this  case  is  extremely  perverse, 

Tis  because  'tis  between  a  couple  of  "  Kerrs." 

Each  Owen  is  Owen — but  here  lies  the  bother — 

To  determine  which  Owen  is  owin'  the  other. 

Each  Owen  swears  Owen  to  Owen  is  owin', 

And  each  alike  certain,  dog-matic,  and  knowin', 

But  'tis  hoped  that  the  jury  will  not  be  deterred 

From  finding  which  "  Kerr"  the  true  debt  has  incurred  ; 

Thus  settling  which  Owen  by  oivin'  has  failed, 

And  that  justice  'twixt  curs  has  not  been  car-tailed. 


A  JOB-LIKE  JUDGE. 

The  most  extraordinary  instance  of  patience  on  record 
in  modern  times  is  that  of  an  Illinois  judge,  who  listened 
silently  for  two  days  while  a  couple  of  wordy  attorneys 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  345 

contended  about  the  construction  of  an  act  of  the  Legisla- 
ture, and  then  ended  the  controversy  by  quietly  remarking, 
"Gentlemen,  the  law  is  repealed." 


LAWYERS  DEFINED  TO  BE   GENTLEMEN. 

An  old  English  law-book  defines  a  gentleman  as  follows : 
"  Whosoever  studieth  the  laws  of  the  realm,  who  studi- 
eth  in  the  universities,  who  professeth  the  liberal  sciences, 
and  (to  be  short)  who  can  live  idly,  and  without  manual  la- 
bor, and  well  bear  the  port,  charge,  and  countenance  of  a 
gentleman,  he  shall  be  called  '  master,'  and  taken  for  a  gen- 
tleman." 


WIT   IN  THE  JURY-BOX. 

When  the  late  Judge  Wells,  of  Boston,  was  living,  and 
presiding  in  the  Court  of  Common  Pleas,  an  action  was 
brought  to  recover  the  price  of  some  felloes  and  tires  to 
wheels  furnished  by  the  plaintiff.  The  counsel  in  the  case 
were  Messrs.  Maine  and  Morris,  and  they  proved  to  be  so 
tedious  that  court  and  jury  got  out  of  all  patience,  and  the 
foreman  perpetrated  the  following  impromptu  : 

"  Morris  and  Maine,  two  lawyers  shrewd 

("Though  they  themselves  may  like  the  sport), 
Talking  of  felloes  and  of  tires, 
Tire  all  the  fellows  in  court." 

That  foreman  has,  since  that  day,  been  the  well-known 
editor  of  one  of  the  Boston  daily  papers. 

At  a  court  in  Texas,  the  Hon.  Judge  Devine  presiding, 
the  jury  in  a  criminal  case  failed  to  agree,  and,  as  is  usual 
in  such  cases,  the  court  attempted  to  coerce  a  verdict, 
which  elicited  from  the  foreman,  J.  R.  Sweet,  the  following 
impromptu  lines  addressed  to  his  honor : 


346  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Dear  Judge  Divine,  do  send  us  wine, 

Or  something  good  to  eat ; 
For  'tis  plain  to  see  we  can't  agree — 
Your  obedient  servant,  SWEET. 

The  judge  dismissed  the  jury. 


A  PUNNING  JUDGE. 

The  late  Judge  Peters  has  left  behind  him  a  countless 
host  of  well-remembered  puns.  Some  few  of  the  rarest 
are  worth  relating : 

A  gentleman  presenting  his  only  son  to  the  notice  of  the 
judge,  said, 

"He  is  my  all." 

The  boy  was  a  long,  thin,  whey-faced  stripling,  and  the 
judge  said  to  the  father, 

"  Your  awl,  and  your  last  too,  I  suppose,  but  I  can't  call 
him  a  strapping  fellow." 

When  on  the  District  Court  bench  he  observed  to  Judge 
Washington  that  one  of  his  witnesses  had  a  vegetable  head. 

"  How  so?"  was  the  inquiry. 

"He  has  carroty  hair,  reddish  cheeks,  a  turn-up  nose, 
and  a  sage  look." 


"HOLY  PICTURES." 

Judge  G ,  of  the  Sixth  Judicial  District  of  New 

York,  was  holding  a  circuit  in  Norwich,  Chenango  County, 
and,  as  the  duties  of  the  term  had  been  somewhat  arduous, 
the  judge,  whose  nature  was  not  the  mildest,  had  become 
somewhat  irritable,  and  he  desired  to  dispatch  as  soon  as 
possible  the  business  before  him.  Among  the  last  causes 
was  one  brought  by  an  old  Irishman  for  recovery  on  a 
trunk  which  had  been  lost  on  the  railroad  between  Nor- 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  347 

wich  and  Binghamton.  The  old  man  took  the  stand  as  a 
witness,  and  the  judge  interrogated  him  as  to  the  contents 
of  the  trunk. 

"Now,  sir,"  said  the  judge,  abruptly,  "what  was  in  the 
trunk?" 

"  Well,"  replied  the  ancient  Hibernian,  in  an  accent  mod- 
ified by  long  residence  in  this  country,  "  there  were  some 
clothes  and  some  holy  pictures." 

"Holy  pictures!  holy  pictures!"  exclaimed  the  judge; 
"  what  do  you  mean  by  holy  pictures?" 

"  Well,  first  there  was  a  picture  of  Father  Mathew,  who 
introduced  temperance  into  Ireland ;  perhaps  your  honor's 
heard  o*  him  ?" 

"Yes,  yes;  go  on!" 

"And  then  there  was  a  picture  of  the  blessed  St.  Patrick, 
who  banished  snakes  from  Ireland ;  perhaps  your  honor's 
heard  o'  him  ?" 

"  Yes,  yes ;  what  else  ?" 

"Well,  then,"  said  the  old  man,  fixing  his  eyes  on  the 
judge,  "  there  was  a  picture  of  our  blessed  Lord,  who  came 
on  earth  to  save  men  from  their  sins ;  perhaps  your  honor's 
heard  o'  him !" 

The  effect  on  the  hearers  may  be  easily  imagined. 


"A  PROPER  SUBJECT  OF  CONTEMPT.'' 

Many  of  the  old  residents  of  Illinois  will  remember 
Knowlton,  now  dead,  a  lawyer  of  considerable  celebrity. 
He  was  wont  to  say  that  he  was  never  "taken  down"  but 
once.  It  happened  in  this  wise :  He  had  a  suit  before  a 
magistrate  in  his  county,  who  was  a  shoemaker,  and  dis- 
pensed justice  from  his  bench  with  a  dignity  worthy  of  a 
higher  place.  Knowlton  called  at  the  shop  a  little  before 
the  hour  fixed  for  the  trial  of  the  case  to  have  a  friendlv 


348  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


chat,  and  while  there  he  yielded  to  temptation,  and  per- 
petrated some  joke  upon  the  old  fellow,  as  he  had  often 
done  before.  He  was  astounded  when  Crispin,  laying  aside 
his  lapstone  and  adjusting  his  spectacles,  remarked  that  he 
was  about  to  enter  up  a  fine  of  five  dollars  against  him  for 
contempt  of  court.  Knowlton  remonstrated — court  was 
not  in  session — the  fine  was  absurd.  But  the  worthy  jus- 
tice of  the  peace  in  a  very  impressive  manner  said  to  him, 

"  Mr.  Knowlton,  you  will  understand  that  this  court  is  a 
proper  subject  of  contempt  at  all  times." 

Knowlton  paid  his  fine ;  and  that  decision,  as  applied  to 
justices'  courts,  continues  to  be  good  law  in  Illinois  to  this 
day. 


A  LAWYER'S  RETAINING  FEE. 

Mr.  Burchard,  the  revival  preacher,  went  about  the  vil- 
lages to  enlist  the  wealthy  and  influential  to  attend  his 
preaching  in  order  to  give  some  eclat  to  his  meetings.  In 
the  course  of  his  perambulations  one  day  he  fell  in  with 
Bob  S ,  an  attorney  of  some  reputation,  and  very  fa- 
mous for  his  wit  and  his  readiness  at  repartee. 

"  Good-morning,  Mr.  S ,"  said  the  "  evangelist ;"  "  un- 
derstanding that  you  are  one  of  the  leading  men  of  the 
town,  and  a  lawyer  of  high  standing,  I  have  called  upon 
you  in  hopes  to  engage  you  on  the  Lord's  side." 

"  Thank  you,"  replied  Bob,  with  an  air  of  great  sobriety, 
and  with  the  most  professional  manner  possible;  "I  thank 
you ;  I  should  be  most  happy  to  be  employed  on  that  side 
of  the  case,  if  I  could  do  so  conscientiously  with  my  en- 
gagements ;  but  you  must  go  to  some  other  counsel,  as  I 
have  a  standing  retainer  from  the  opposite  party." 

The  itinerant  was  amazed,  piqued,  and  nonplused,  and 
departed  without  attempting  to  suppress  his  laughter. 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  349 


FANCY  FOR  ANKLES. 

A  Massachusetts  judge  on  circuit,  as  he  rode  to  the  door 
of  an  inn,  saw  the  landlady's  daughter  jump  over  the  fence. 
"  Do  that  again,  Sallie,  and  I'll  marry  you." 
The  girl  again  leaped  the  fence.    The  judge  was  as  good 
as  his  word,  and  a  year  from  that  day  married  the  light- 
heeled  Sallie. 


GIVING  THE   PRECISE  WORDS. 

A  witness  was  examined  before  a  judge  in  a  case,  who 
required  him  to  repeat  the  precise  words  spoken.  The  wit- 
ness hesitated  till  he  riveted  the  attention  of  the  entire 
court  upon  him ;  then,  fixing  his  eyes  earnestly  on  the 
judge,  began : 

"  May  it  please  your  honor,  you  lie  and  steal,  and  get 
your  living  by  stealing!" 

The  face  of  the  judge  reddened,  and  he  immediately  said, 

"Turn  to  the  jury,  sir." 


NO  DESIRE  TO  CATCH  HER. 

Charles  Chapman,  a  witty  lawyer  of  Hartford,  was  once 
called  out  of  town  to  act  in  a  case  in  which  a  lady  was  the 
principal  witness.  Her  husband  was  present — a  diminu- 
tive, meek,  forbearing  sort  of  man — who,  in  the  language 
of  Mr.  Chapman,  "  looked  like  a  rooster  just  fished  out  of  a 
swill-barrel,"  while  the  lady  was  a  large,  portly  woman, 
evidently  the  "better  horse."  She  balked  on  the  cross- 
examination,  and  the  lawyer  was  pressing  the  question  with 
his  usual  urgency,  when  she  broke  out,  with  vindictive  fire 
flashing  from  her  eyes,  "  Mr.  Chapman,  you  needn't  think 
you  can  catch  me,  if  you  try  all  day !" 


350  BENCH  AND  BAR. 

Putting  on  his  most  quizzical  expression,  Mr.  Chapman 
replied, 

"  Madam,  I  haven't  the  slightest  desire  to  catch  you,  and 
your  husband  looks  to  me  as  if  he  was  sorry  he  had." 

The  husband  faintly  smiled  assent. 


LEGAL   BULLS. 

Judge  Brackenridge  used  to  relate  the  following : 
"  I  once  had  a  Virginia  lawyer  object  to  an  expression 
in  one  of  the  acts  of  the  Assembly  of  Pennsylvania,  which 
read,  'That  the  State-house  yard  in  the  city  of  Philadelphia 
should  be  surrounded  by  a  brick  wall,  and  remain  an  open 
inclosure  forever.' 

"  But  I  put  him  down  by  citing  one  of  the  acts  of  the 
Legislature  of  his  own  state,  which  is  entitled, '  A  supple- 
ment to  an  act  entitled  an  act  making  it  penal  to  alter  the 
mark  of  an  unmarked  hog.'  " 


NOVEL  FEES. 

Judge  Ochiltree,  of  Texas,  once  defended  a  criminal  for 
stealing  a  pistol,  having  been  assigned  to  that  duty  by  the 
court.  He  made  an  eloquent  appeal  in  behalf  of  the  pris- 
oner, and  convinced  the  court  and  jury  of  his  entire  inno- 
cence. He  was  accordingly  acquitted.  Taking  his  de- 
liverer aside,  the  man  said,  "  I  have  no  money  to  pay  you, 
but  you  shall  have  the  pistol,"  and  handed  it  to  the  lawyer. 

It  seems  the  same  judge  got  another  tool  in  the  same 
way.  He  was  successful  in  defending  a  prisoner,  who  ask- 
ed him  afterward  what  was  his  fee.  The  judge  said  an  X 
would  be  enough.  The  fellow  brought  him  a  beautiful 
axe,  actually  understanding  his  counsel  to  name  that  article 
as  his  charge.  The  judge  took  it  and  axed  no  questions, 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.          351 

but  told  the  story  often  of  the  heaviest  fee  he  ever  got  in 
his  life. 


JUDICIAL  DISPATCH. 

In  Columbia  County,  Ohio,  the  Common  Pleas  Court  was 
composed  of  a  president-judge,  who  was  a  lawyer  by  pro- 
fession, and  three  associate  justices  who  were  not  lawyers. 
At  a  term  of  the  court,  when  several  important  criminal 
causes  had  been  tried,  and  the  prisoners  were  awaiting  sen- 
tence, when  several  motions  for  new  trials  were  pending, 
and  the  decisions  on  demurrers  in  a  number  of  civil  suits 
which  had  been  ably  argued  were  also  expected,  the  presi- 
dent-judge on  the  last  day  of  the  term  happened  to  be  ab- 
sent. The  court-room  was  crowded  with  the  friends  of  the 
prisoners,  counsel,  and  anxious  litigants,  to  listen  to  the  ju- 
dicial determinations.  After  a  short  pause,  the  Dutch  asso- 
ciate drew  forward  his  chair.  Said  he, 

"  Misther  Clark,  de  motions  for  new  trial  ish  all  over- 
ruled, and  the  demurrers  ish  all  sustained.  De  prisoners 
ish  all  sentenced  to  penitentiary  for  dree  years.  Make  de 
endries  vorthwith,  for  in  one  hour  dis  court  vill  pe  on  a 
steampoat." 

Several  of  the  sovereigns  went  to  the  penitentiary  vorth- 
with accordingly. 


A  NOVEL  PLEA  AND  PRAYER. 

Judge  E relates  the  following  incident  as  occurring 

in  his  practice : 

He  was  trying  a  petty  case,  in  which  one  of  the  parties 
was  not  able  to  pay  counsel  fees,  and  undertook  to  plead 
his  own  cause.  But  he  found,  in  the  course  of  the  trial, 
that  the  keen  and  adroit  attorney  who  managed  the  case 


352  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


for  the  other  party  was  too  much  for  him  in  legal  strategy, 
evidently  making  the  worse  appear  the  better  cause.  The 

poor  man,  Mr.  A ,  was  in  a  state  of  mind  bordering 

upon  desperation  when  the  opposing  counsel  closed  his 
plea,  and  the  case  was  about  to  be  submitted  to  the  justice 
for  decision.  "  May  it  please  your  honor,"  said  the  man, 
"  may  I  pray  ?"  The  judge  was  taken  somewhat  by  sur- 
prise, and  could  only  say  that  he  saw  no  objection.  Where- 
upon Mr.  A went  down  upon  his  knees,  and  made  a 

fervent  prayer,  in  which  he  laid  the  merits  of  his  case  be- 
fore the  Lord  in  a  very  clear  and  methodical  statement  of 
all  the  particulars,  pleading  that  right  and  justice  might 
prevail.  "  0  Lord,  thou  knowest  that  this  lawyer  has  mis- 
represented the  facts,  and  thou  knowest  that  it  is  so  and 
so" — to  the  end  of  the  chapter.  Arguments  which  he 
could  not  present  in  logical  array  to  the  understanding  of 
men,  he  had  no  difficulty  in  addressing  to  the  Lord,  be- 
ing evidently  better  versed  in  praying  than  pettifogging. 

When  he  rose  from  his  knees,  Esquire  W ,  the  opposing 

counsel,  very  much  exasperated  by  the  turn  which  the  case 
had  taken,  said,  "Mr.  Justice,  does  not  the  closing  argument 
belong  to  me  ?"  To  which  the  judge  replied,  "  You  can 

close  with  prayer,  if  you  please."     Esquire  W was  in 

the  habit  of  praying  at  home,  but,  not  seeing  the  propriety 
of  connecting  his  prayer  with  his  practice,  wisely  forbore, 

leaving  poor  Mr.  A to  win  his  case,  as  he  did,  by  this 

novel  mode  of  presenting  it. 


BULLYING  WITNESSES  AS  AN  ART. 

Many  attorneys  in  all  courts  frequently  owe  their  success 
and  notoriety  to  their  art  in  "bullying"  witnesses  on  the 
opposite  side  of  the  cases  in  which  they  are  engaged ;  but 
occasionally  they  "  wake  up  the  wrong  passenger." 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  353 

There  was  a  horse  case  in  the  justice's  court  of  N 

one  day,  in  which  a  "  bullying  counsel"  named  Wayke 
happened  to  be  engaged.  A  slow  and  easy  witness  had 
been  called  to  the  stand  by  the  plaintiff,  who,  in  a  plain, 
straightforward  manner,  made  the  other  side  of  the  case 
look  rather  blue.  The  plaintiff's  attorney  being  through, 
Wayke  commenced  a  regular  cross-examination,  which  was 
cut  short  in  this  manner : 

"Well,  what  do  you  know  about  a  horse — are  you  a 
horse  doctor?"  said  he,  in  his  peculiar  contemptuous  and 
overbearing  manner. 

"  No,  I  don't  pretend  to  be  a  horse  doctor,  but  I  know  a 
good  deal  of  the  nature  of  the  beast" 

"  That  means  to  say  that  you  know  a  horse  from  a  jack- 
ass when  you  see  them,"  said  Wayke,  in  the  same  style, 
looking  very  knowingly  at  the  court,  and  glancing  rather 
triumphantly  around  the  crowd  of  spectators  with  a  tele- 
graphic expression  which  said,  "  Now  I've  got  him  on  the 
hip." 

The  intended  victim,  gazing  intently  at  his  legal  torment- 
or, drawled  out, 

"  Oh  ye-as — just  so — for  instance,  Fd  never  take  you  for  a 
horse  /" 


A  THOUGHTFUL  WITNESS. 

In  one  of  the  county  courts  of  Northern  New  York,  a 
witness  in  a  case  of  an  assault  was  asked  by  the  junior 
counsel, "  How  far  were  you,  sir,  from  the  parties  when  the 
alleged  assault  took  place  ?" 

"Four  feet  five  inches  and  a  half"  was  the  answer  prompt- 
ly given. 

"Ah !"  fiercely  demanded  the  lawyer, "  how  came  you  to 
be  so  very  exact  in  all  this  ?" 


354  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


"Because,"  said  the  witness,  very  coolly,  "I  expected  that 
some  confounded  fool  would  as  likely  as  not  ask  me,  and 
so  I  went  and  measured  it." 


THREE  DECIDED  CASES  OF  "CONTEMPTS  OF  COURT." 

One  of  the  members  of  the  bar  in  the  city  of  Buffalo, 
while  arguing  an  appeal  at  the  General  Term  of  the  Su- 
preme Court  at  which  the  three  judges  of  that  district  were 
sitting,  was  greatly  irritated  by  the  frequent  expression  of 
dissent  made  by  the  court  to  his  propositions  of  law.  Paus- 
ing abruptly  at  length,  in  the  midst  of  his  argument,  he  ex- 
claimed, with  marked  emphasis, 

"  I  will,  perhaps,  be  excusable  in  remarking  that  this 
court  strongly  reminds  me  of  a  Demerara  team." 

"And  what  kind  of  a  team  may  that  be,  Mr. ?" 

asked  the  presiding  justice. 

"  It  is  said  to  be  composed,"  was  the  reply, "  of  two  mules 
and  a  jackass  /" 

The  consequences  of  the  comparison  are  not  reported. 

A  recorder  of  the  city  last  mentioned,  since  deceased,  was 
noted  for  his  love  of  order  in  court,  the  strict  observance 
of  which  was  always  insisted  on.  Upon  one  occasion  a 
well-known  lawyer  appeared  in  the  bar  in  a  condition 
which  conclusively  showed  that  he  had  lately  partaken  by 
far  too  deeply  of  the  cup  which  cheers  and  inebriates.  As 
a  consequence,  the  court  was  several  times  interrupted  by 
as  many  maudlin  witticisms  as  vagaries  of  speech  from  the 
counselor  spoken  of.  The  recorder  had  already  once  re- 
quested the  gentleman  to  observe  silence ;  and  when  an- 
other breach  of  decorum  was  perpetrated,  he  said, 

"  This  must  be  suffered  no  longer.  If  Mr. has  any 

friends  in  court,  I  advise  his  instant  removal,  otherwise  I 
shall  instantly  commit  him  for  contempt." 


MISCELLANEOUS  LEGAL  EPIGRAMS,  ETC.  355 

This  was  an  intimation  not  to  be  disregarded ;  and,  in 
pursuance  of  it,  several  persons  present  took  the  threatened 
"  object  of  contempt"  by  the  arm  and  moved  him  forcibly 
to  the  door.  Struggling  to  free  himself  as  he  was  forced 
out,  the  latter  sent  a  farewell  shot  toward  the  bench  after 
this  fashion : 

"  Commit  me,  judge — me  ?  If  you  do,  it  will  be  the  con- 
foundedest  error  you  ever  committed !" 

The  last  relates  to  a  justice's  court,  also  of  the  city  of 
Buffalo.  Becoming  vexed  at  a  functionary  who  there  pre- 
sided, a  lawyer  took  occasion  to  remark  that  this  court  was 
the  "  greatest  legal  anomaly"  he  was  acquainted  with. 

"  You  will  not  repeat  that  remark,"  the  justice  observed; 
"  it  is  extremely  offensive." 

"  I  am  of  opinion,"  rejoined  the  audacious  pettifogger, 
"  that  the  court  does  not  understand  the  meaning  of  the 
word." 

"  Perfectly,  sir,  perfectly !"  was  the  indignant  response. 
"You  mean  to  intimate  that  the  court  doesn't  know  beans!" 


SETTING  HENS  AND  LAYING  LAWYERS. 

Judge  E ,  who  presided  in  the  county  court  of  a  cer- 
tain county  in  the  State  of  New  York,  was  fond  of  indulg- 
ing himself  occasionally  in  a  joke  at  the  expense  of  Coun- 
selor B ,  a  practicing  attorney  in  the  same  court  with 

whom  he  was  intimate,  and  for  whom  he  had  a  high  re- 
gard. On  a  certain  occasion,  when  pleading  a  cause  at  the 
bar,  Mr.  B observed  that  he  would  conclude  his  re- 
marks on  the  following  day,  unless  the  court  would  consent 
to  set  late  enough  for  him  to  finish  them  that  evening. 

"Sit,  sir,"  said  the  judge,  "not  set;  hens  set." 

"  I  stand  corrected,  sir,"  said  the  counselor,  bowing. 

Not  long  after,  while  giving  an  opinion,  the  judge  re- 


356  BENCH  AND  BAR. 


marked  that,  under  such  and  such  circumstances,  an  action 
would  not  lay. 

"Lie,  may  it  please  your  honor,"  said  the  counselor,  "  not 
lay ;  hens  lay." 

A  debate  once  took  place  among  the  members  of  a  court 
of  another  state  as  to  how  long  they  should  set  to  dispose 
of  the  business  before  them.  Three  weeks  were  at  last  de- 
termined on. 

"Why/in  the  name  of  wonder,"  inquired  a  wag  at  the 
bar,  "  do  they  not  set  four  weeks,  like  other  geese  ?" 


INDEX. 


ALDERSON,  Baron,  his  rejoinder  to  a  blasphemous  criminal,  90. 

Bacon,  Francis,  Lord,  convicted  of  corrupt  practices,  24 ;  gross  personalities 
and  quarrel  with  Sir  Edmund  Coke,  104. 

Bacon,  Sir  Nicholas,  his  courtliness  and  urbanity  of  manner,  26  ;  happy  re- 
ply to  Queen  Elizabeth,  ib.  ;  witty  non-committal  opinion  on  a  young  as- 
pirant for  office,  ib. ;  tart  reference  to  his  habit  of  stuttering,  27;  remark 
on  sentencing  a  man  named  Hog,  who  claimed  relationship,  ib.  ;  story  of 
his  fatal  attack  of  cold,  28. 

Bacon,  Judge,  of  New  York,  happy  pun  on  a  witness's  name,  216. 

Bar,  distinctive  title  of  "the  Western,"  271;  qualifications  for  "the  West- 
ern," 272. 

Barker,  Jacob,  vainglorious  speech  in  his  own  defense,  218 ;  happy  retort 
upon  him  by  A.  Oakey  Hall,  ib, 

Barnard,  Judge  J.  G.,  appreciation  of  a  good  joke,  252 ;  grants  leave  to  im- 
portunate lawyers  to  insert  Webster's  Dictionary,  i6. 

Barnes,  General,  his  different  views  of  the  same  case,  295. 

Barrington,  Sir  Jonah,  his  account  of  Grattan's  interview  with  Burr  and 
Randolph,  75. 

Bathurst,  Henry,  held  in  low  esteem  by  the  bar,  56  ;  his  legal  ignorance,  ib. ; 
bull  committed  in  discharging  the  Dutchess  of  Kingston,  ib. 

Benton,  Thomas  H.,  his  sarcasm,  192 ;  humorous  remarks  on  long  titles, 
193  ;  his  personal  character  not  suited  to  the  popular  taste,  195  ;  a  model 
"Western  lawyer,"  271. 

Bibb,  Chancellor,  of  Kentucky,  familiarly  called  "the  last  of  the  small- 
clothes," 235  ;  his  peculiarities  of  dress  and  manner,  ib. ;  a  zealous  disci- 
ple of  Izaak  Walton,  236 ;  his  adventures  as  a  fisherman,  237  ;  incident 
in  his  experience  as  Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  238 ;  his  opinion  of  Saint 
Paul,  ib. 

Billings,  Colonel,  of  New  York,  witty  reflection  on  Judge  Hewett,  199. 

Blackstone  thrown  in  the  shade  by  an  Arkansas  judge,  283. 

Boswell,  James,  held  in  aversion  by  Lord  Eldon,  45. 

Brackenridge,  Judge,  his  peculiarities,  212;  prevented  from  taking  a  bath, 
213;  two  bulls  recalled  by  him,  350. 

Brady,  James  T.,  humorous  explanation  of  a  case  in  which  the  plaintiff"  had 
"  rested"  too  soon,  249 ;  funny  insinuation  against  a  partial  judge,  251 ; 
a  happy  and  successful  flight  of  fancy,  ib. 

Brady,  John  R.,  his  dignity  on  the  bench,  242;  familiarity  when  off1  the 
bench,  ib. ;  why  called  ' '  the  judge  who  heard  General  Term  arguments 
all  alone,"  243;  "floored"  by  an  importunate  borrower,  245;  protects  a 
lawyer  from  his  clients,  246  ;  confounded  by  a  witness,  247. 

Breckinridge,  John  C.,  retort  on  him  by  Leslie  Coombs,  91. 

Bronson,  Greene  C.,  judge  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  New  York,  249. 

Brown,  James  T.,  humorous  apology  for  a  learned  speech,  225. 

Burr,  Aaron,  his  interview  with  Henry  Grattan,  75 ;  his  remark  on  Ells- 


358  INDEX. 


worth's  pertinacity,  118;  severe  retort  upon  Rev.  Dr.  Burchard,  144;  his 

definition  of  law,  145 ;  his  tenacious  memory,  ib. ;  interview  with  General 

Winfield  Scott,  ib. ;  reply  to  Henry  Clay  when  offering  to  protect  him 

from  a  mob,  146. 

Burchard,  Eev.  Jedediah,  rebuked  by  Aaron  Burr,  144. 
Burgess,  Tristam,  his  bitter  sarcasm,  186 ;  his  demolition  of  Henry  Daniel, 

of  Kentucky,  187. 

Busteed,  Richard,  his  "mobile"  countenance,  252. 
Butler,  General  Benjamin  F.,  his  great  tact  as  a  lawyer,  255 ;  instance  in 

which  he  outmanoeuvred  Rufus  Choate,  256. 
Butterfield,  Justice,  of  Illinois,  witty  reflection  on  the  tribunal  before  which 

he  practiced,  151. 

Calhoun,  John  C.,  not  a  man  of  the  people,  188 ;  his  genius  and  address, 
189 ;  encounter  with  Jacob  Marvin,  ib. 

Camden,  Lord,  his  experience  in  the  stocks,  101. 

Campbell,  Lord,  his  explanation  of  the  use  of  the  term  "  The  seals,"  15 ;  his 
legal  and  literary  shortcomings,  55. 

Carleton,  Chief  Justice,  his  lugubrious  manner  ridiculed  by  Curran,  81. 

Chancellor,  Lord,  of  England,  the  first  officer  of  state,  15  ;  his  dignity  and 
power,  23 ;  keeper  of  the  king's  conscience,  ib. ;  his  legal  and  ecclesiastical 
patronage,  ib. ;  the  first,  ib. ;  those  impeached,  £6. ;  an  honest,  28 ;  a 
lady,i&.  ;  a  gallant,  30 ;  judicial  incompetency  of  many,  55. 

Chapman,  Charles,  witty  reply  to  a  shrew,  349. 

Charles  II.,  his  seal  lost  in  the  Severn  River,  18 ;  his  witticism  on  Lord 
Chancellor  Cooper,  30. 

Chase,  Salmon  Portland,  seventh  Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States,  127 ; 
sketch  of  his  career,  ib. ;  anecdote  of  his  father,  1 30. 

Chatham,  Lord,  his  rebuke  of  a  dishonest  chancellor,  99. 

Chelmsford,  Lord  Chancellor,  sketch  of  his  career,  71. 

Choate,  Rufus,  his  witty  remark  on  Chief  Justice  Shaw,  and  happy  rejoiner 
of  the  latter,  135 ;  his  great  command  of  language,  ib.  ;  nonplused  by  a 
sailor,  ib. ;  pun  on  a  Baptist  minister,  136 ;  his  singular  defense  of  the 
character  of  a  witness,  137 ;  his  extravagance  in  the  use  of  language,  138 ; 
his  defense  of  the  judiciary,  139;  his  peculiar  handwriting,  ib. ;  outma- 
noeuvred by  Ben  Butler,  256. 

Clarendon,  Lord,  impeached,  23. 

Clark,  Louis  Gaylord,  his  description  of  Webster  in  the  Supreme  Court,  171. 

Clay,  Henry,  his  first  appearance  in  the  United  States  Supreme  Court,  141 ; 
remarkable  memory  of  faces,  143 ;  offers  to  protect  Aaron  Burr  from  a 
mob,  146 ;  a  model  "Western  lawyer,"  271. 

Coke,  Sir  Edward,  his  disreputable  quarrel  with  Lord  Francis  Bacon,  104 ; 
his  indulgencies  in  coarse  personalities,  105. 

Coke,  Sir  Edward,  Knt. ,  reports  done  into  verse,  samples  of,  92. 

Commonwealth,  seal  of,  of  England,  what  it  is,  19. 

Coombs,  Leslie,  his  sharp  reply  to  John  C.  Breckinridge,  191. 

Cooper,  Anthony  Ashley,  Lord  Chancellor,  his  gallantry,  wit,  and  veniality, 
30 ;  Charles  II.'s  opinion  of,  ib. ;  renders  the  legal  dignitaries  of  London 
ridiculous,  ib. ;  circumstances  of  his  dismissal  by  Charles  II.,  31. 

Corwin,  Thomas,  his  opinion  of  comic  speakers,  175;  his  dark  complexion, 
177 ;  adventure  with  Thomas  F.  Marshall,  of  Kentucky,  ib. ;  his  famous 
Mexican  speech  used  against  him,  178 ;  a  model  "  Western  lawyer,"  271. 

Court,  Supreme,  of  the  United  States,  Miss  Martineau's  description  of,  in 
1835, 131. 

Cox,  S.  S.,  specimen  of  his  ready  wit,  235. 


INDEX.  359 


Criminals,  their  fastidiousness  with  regard  to  the  professional  status  of  their 
judges,  89 ;  a  blasphemous  criminal  rebuked,  90 ;  courtesy  extraordinary 
to  a,  274  ;  willing  and  obliging,  275. 

Crockett,  Davy,  supposed  to  have  been  a  model  "  Western  lawyer,"  271. 

Curran,  John  Philpot,  his  personal  appearance,  77 ;  his  first  brief  and  first 
witticism,  ib. ;  his  troubles  with  his  younger  brother,  78 ;  his  motto  for  a 
tobacconist,  80 ;  his  joke  on  Justice  Carleton,  81 ;  humorous  mode  of 
avoiding  a  duel,  82  ;  his  sarcastic  definition  of  a  politician,  83 ;  an  Amer- 
ican rival  to,  215. 

Gushing,  William,  third  Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States,  116 ;  resignation 
after  a  few  days'  service,  117. 

Dacre,  Lord,  adventure  in  leaving  Lord  Camden  confined  in  the  stocks,  101. 

Daggett, ,  his  rejoiner  to  a  traducer  of  the  clergy,  198. 

Dallas,  Alexander  J.,  terrible  rebuke  to  an  impudent  litigant,  152. 

Daniel,  Henry,  ridiculed  by  Tristam  Burgess,  186. 

Daviess,  Joseph  Hamilton,  reminiscences  of,  262 ;  defense  of  an  innocent  per- 
son charged  with  horse-stealing,  264 ;  his  first  appearance  in  the  Supreme 
Court,  265. 

Davis,  Jefferson,  his  comparison  of  a  litigant  to  Othello,  248. 

Davis,  Judge,  sentences  a  criminal  to  the  Legislature,  302. 

Davy,  Sergeant,  his  one  brilliant  mot,  99. 

Dickinson,  Daniel  S.,  his  epigram  on  a  tedious  lawyer,  165. 

Dooley,  Judge,  of  Georgia,  humorous  avoidance  of  a  duel,  283. 

Eldon,  Lord,  his  adventure  in  preserving  the  great  seal  of  George  III.,  20; 
advised  by  Thurlow  to  "stick  to  Pitt,"  38;  his  penuriousness,  43 ;  'his 
great  good-humor,  43 ;  Rose's  lines  on  his  indecision  of  character,  44 ; 
his  dissimulation,  ib. ;  Home  Tooke's  witticism  on  his  crocodile  tears,  ib. ; 
declines  the  challenge  of  a  person  convicted  of  being  no  gentleman,  45 ; 
his  definition  of  taste,  ib. ;  gallantry  and  vanity,  46  ;  pleasant  anecdotes 
of  his  dispensation  of  his  church  patronage,  47 ;  hoaxed  by  a  poetical  ap- 
plication of  his  son  for  a  place,  ib. ;  a  bad  sportsman,  49 ;  humorous  an- 
swer to  Dr.  Fisher's  application,  50;  his  "apple  sass"  case,  51. 

Eleanor,  Queen  of  England,  only  lady-keeper  of  the  seals  of  England,  28 ; 

her  injustice,  29. 

.  Ellenborough,  Lord,  loss  of  his  wig,  61 ;  mimicked  by  Charles  Mathews,  ib.  • 
cruel  jest  on  a  young  barrister,  63;  sarcastic  speeches  to  wordy  counselors, 
ib. ;  ridicule  of  Richard  Brinsley  Sheridan,  ib. ;  witty  reply  to  a  surgeon, 
65 ;  jest  on  Kenyon  when  about  to  die,  ib. 

Ellesmere,  Lord,  his  weak  attempts  at  wit,  34. 

Ellsworth,  Oliver,  fourth  Chief  Justice  of  the  United  States,  117;  aptitude 
for  special  pleading,  118;  his  great  pertinacity,  ib.  ;  Burr's  remark  on 
this  trait  of  his  character,  ib.  ;  unaffected  simplicity,  119. 

Erskine,  Lord,  his  character  not  good,  5 1 ;  failure  as  an  orator,  52  ;  his  fan- 
tastic motto,  ib. ;  his  good-nature,  ib.  ;  witty  reply  to  his  client  Thelwall, 
53 ;  witticism  on  Counselor  Lamb,  ib. ;  humanity  toward  animals,  54 ; 
witty  reply  to  a  begging  letter,  ib. 

Everett,  Edward,  his  happy  compliment  to  Judge  Story,  140. 

Finch,  Aaron,  his  legal  opinion  of  Arkansas,  289. 
Finch,  Heneage,  impeached,  23. 
Fitzherbert,  first  keeper  of  the  seal  of  England,  23. 
Foot,  Lundy,  Curran's  motto  for  carriage  of,  80. 

Ford,  Governor  of  Illinois,  his  illustration  of  a  polite  judge  and  willing  crim- 
inal, 275. 


360  INDEX. 


Fortescue,  Sir  John,  saves  his  head  by  an  artful  argument,  33 ;  offensive  wit- 
ticism on  a  lame  lawyer,  101. 
Franklin,  Benjamin,  his  opinion  of  lawyers,  187. 
Fuller, ,  of  Boston,  his  fund  of  dry  humor,  213. 

Gardiner,  Sergeant,  his  rude  reply  to  an  offensive  witticism  of  Sir  John  For- 
tescue, 101. 

George  III.,  accident  to  the  great  seal  of,  20. 

Giddings,  Joshua,  his  misapplication  of  Shakspeare,  173. 

Goddard,  Calvin,  his  prominence  in  the  famous  Hartford  Convention,  241 ; 
witty  reply  to  Judge  Peters,  241. 

Grafton,  Duke  of,  scathingly  rebuked  by  Lord  Thurlow  in  the  House  of 
Lords,  39. 

Grattan,  Henry,  reminiscence  of  the  eccentric,  75  ;  his  last  words,  76. 

Greenleaf,  Simon,  epigram  by  A.  Oakey  Hall  on,  218. 

Hale,  Chief  Justice,  strongly  opposed  to  the  severity  of  the  English  laws,  90 ; 
his  kindness  to  a  young  delinquent  requited,  91 ;  a  culprit's  jocose  reply 
to,  ib.;  his  aversion  to  any  thing  having  the  appearance  of  bribery,  95. 

Hall,  A.  Oakey,  one  of  the  witty  duo  of  the  New  York  Bar,  216 ;  his"  manner 
more  humorous  than  his  matter,  ib. ;  epigram  on  Judges  Story  and  Green- 
leaf,  218;  witticism  on  Jacob  Barker,  ib. ;  student  under  Benjamin  and 
Slidell,  ib. ;  several  instances  of  his  ready  wit,  219;  universal  exposition 
of  daily  life  in  an  age  of  invention,  221. 

Hallett,  B.  F.,  happy  retort  of  a  witness  on,  184. 

Hammond,  S.  H.,  his  rivalry  of  Curran  as  a  wit,  215 ;  his  pun  on  a  witness's 
name,  216. 

Hardin,  Mark,  mock  argument  in  favor  of  his  native  town  as  the  capital  of 
the  universe,  179. 

Hayne,  Robert  Y.,  Webster's  threat  to  grind  him  finer  than  snuff,  172. 

Henry,  Patrick,  his  reply  to  a  challenge,  155. 

Hewett,  Judge,  of  New  York,  humorous  reflection  of  Colonel  Billings  on, 
199. 

Hill,  Benjamin,  ridiculed  by  Alexander  H.  Stephens,  248. 

Hilliard,  Henry  W.,  humorously  accused  of  accepting  "ten  per  cent,  of  ma- 
laria" as  a  fee,  200. 

Hoyne,  Philip,  his  extraordinary  courtesy  to  a  criminal,  274. 

Ignorance  of  many  of  the  Lord  Chancellors  of  England,  55. 

Ingraham, ,  his  objections  to  handling  a  witness  without  gloves,  148. 

James  II.,  his  destruction  of  his  great  seal,  18. 

Jay,  John,  first  chief  justice  of  the  United  States,  sketch  of  his  career,  1 1 3. 

Jeffreys,  Lord  George,  his  grim  wit,  35 ;  his  barbarity,  ib. ;  gift  of  a  halter 

sent  him  while  confined  in  the  Tower  of  London,  ib. ;  burlesque  will  of, 

36  ;  his  indignities  to  Langhorn  and  Maynard,  ib. 
Jekyll,  Sir  Joseph,  his  witticism  on  Lord  Chancellor  Kenyon's  penuriousness, 

59 ;  his  most  brilliant  mots  attributed  to  Sheridan,  103 ;  his  witticism  on 

a  dirty  judge,  ib. 
Johnson,  Samuel,  his  opinion  of  Lord  Mansfield,  70  ;  reflection  on  Lord 

Loughborough,  ib. ;  his   grnffness,  84 ;  his  illustration  of  litigation,  ib. ; 

how  he  "popped  the  question," ib, 

Jones,  Chief  Justice,  of  New  York,  his  peculiarities,  167;  adventure  in  con- 
sequence of  his  forgetfulness,  ib. 
Jones,  Sir  William,  his  exquisite  lines  on  a  new-born  child,  106. 


INDEX.  361 


Jonson,  Ben,  his  definition  of  a  lawyer,  321. 

Judges,  horrible  stories  of  hanging,  87 ;  instances  of  absent-minded,  181 ; 
a  dirty  and  eccentric,  184  ;  hpw  Franklin  thought  they  should  be  appoint- 
ed, 187;  a  polite,  275  ;  instance  of  dullness  of  comprehension  in,  278  ;  a 
"  Western"  judge's  idea  of  doing  his  duty,  296  ;  charge  of  a  "Western," 
298 ;  a  Job-like,  344  ;  a  punning,  346. 

Jurisprudence,  racy  specimen  of  grand,  323. 

Jury,  a  stubborn,  273. 

Kenyon,  Lord,  his  ignorance  and  bombast,  57 ;  ludicrous  Irish  bulls  com- 
mitted by  him,  ib. ;  his  penuriousness,  58  ;  Lord  Ellenborongh's  remark  on 
the  avarice  of,  59  ;  his  shabby  attire,  60. 

King,  Lord  Chancellor,  his  love  of  labor,  42. 

Lacy,  Walter  de,  Lord  Chancellor  of  England  by  right  of  purchase  of  the 
great  seal,  22. 

Lamb,  Charles,  his  witticism  on  a  lawyer  who  had  just  secured  his  first  brief, 
84. 

Lamb,  Counselor,  rude  but  witty  reply  of  Erskine  to,  53. 

Lawyers,  popular  prejudices  against,  106  ;  hatred  of  Cromwell's  soldiers  for, 
ib. ;  called  "  Sons  of  Zeruiah"  by  them,  107  ;  their  habit  of  extemporizing 
authorities,  258 ;  distinctive  title  given  to  "  Western,"  271 ;  peculiarities 
of  "Western,"  ib. ;  Lords  Thurlow  and  Jeffries  model  "Western,"  ib.; 
dry  humor  of  a  Mississippi,  281 ;  an  impudent  Western,  305  ;  effective 
oratory  of  a  Western,  307  ;  an  earthquake  put  to  a  good  use  by  a  lawyer, 
309 ;  definition  of  a  lawyer,  321 ;  a  'cute  lawyer,  322 ;  admitted  to  be 
gentlemen,  345  ;  novel  fees  to,  350. 

Letcher,  Robert  P.,  an  interesting  reminiscence  showing  his  kindness  of 
heart,  253. 

Lincoln,  Abraham,  a  true  anecdote  of,  178;  a  model  "Western  lawyer,  "271. 

Longchamp,  Chancellor,  left  to  govern  England  during  Eichard  the  First's 
crusade,  18. 

Lord,  Daniel,  Jr.,  witticism  by  Charles  O'Conor  on,  233. 

Loughborough,  Lord  Chancellor,  his  peculiarities,  70. 

Lovat,  Lord,  his  high  compliment  to  Mansfield,  68. 

Macaulay,  Lord,  his  opinion  of  Bacon's  "  Collection  of  Apothegms,"  34. 

Macclesfield,  Lord  Chancellor,  impeached,  23. 

Malchien,  Lord  Keeper,  accompanies  Richard  I.  on  his  crusade  and  loses  his 
great  seal,  18. 

Mansfield,  Lord,  the  most  accomplished  lawyer  of  his  time,  66 ;  his  advice 
to  an  old  army  officer  elevated  to  the  bench,  t'6.;  abhorrence  of  the  penal 
system,  67 ;  handsomely  complimented  by  a  prisoner  whom  he  had  prose- 
cuted, ib. ;  his  amusing  reply  to  a  sailor,  68  ;  sparkling  pleasantry  in 
abandoning  a  false  argument,  69 ;  bland  reply  to  Sir  Fletcher  Norton,  70 ; 
Sam  Johnson's  opinion  of,  ib. 

Marshall,  John,  fifth  chief  justice  of  the  United  States,  sketch  of  his  career, 
119  ;  his  careless  attire  and  manner,  121 ;  his  absence  of  mind  illustrated, 
122 ;  his  honesty,  ib. ;  his  generous  nature,  ib. ;  pen  and  ink  sketch  of,  123 ; 
Miss  Martineau's  description  of,  124. 

Marshall,  Thomas  F.,  a  prince  of  good  fellows,  155  ;  fined  for  reflecting  on 
the  character  of  Pontius  Pilate,  ib. ;  his  retort  on  General  Pilcher,  156  ; 
hatred  and  dread  of  Henry  Clay,  ib. ;  his  request  to  be  fined  for  contempt 
of  court,  157  ;  his  weaknesses  and  follies,  158. 

Martin,  Judge,  of  Maryland,  his  eccentric  habits,  229. 


INDEX. 


Mason,  Dr.,  retort  upon  a  legal  opponent,  230. 

Mathews,  R.  S.,  effective  impromptu  verse  by,  261. 

Mattox,  Governor,  of  Vermont,  anecdote  oi  his  report  on  an  unqualified 
candidate  for  the  bar,  381. 

Maurice,  first  lord  chancellor  of  England,  23. 

Mills,  Judson  T.,  his  fondness  for  a  joke,  185. 

More,  Sir  Thomas,  his  appointment  as  lord  chancellor,  23;  his  great  and 
good  qualities,  24 ;  adventures  with  an  idiot,  25 ;  rebuke  of  the  Earl  of 
Rutland,  ib. ;  his  saying  about  honor,  26  ;  his  tragic  death,  ib. 

Mullen,  Chief  Justice,  of  New  York,  his  adventure  with  the  detective,  333. 

Nathan,  Davy,  his  attempted  argument  on  both  sides  of  a  case  before  Judge 

John  R.  Brady,  243. 

Norbury,  Lord,  his  remark  on  the  rapidity  of  the  trials  of  Irish  rebels,  90. 
Norton,  Sir  Fletcher,  his  lack  of  manners  rebuked  by  Lord  Mansfield,  70. 

Oakley,  Judge,  of  New  York,  his  pun  on  a  witness  with  the  itch,  234. 

Ochiltree,  Judge,  of  Texas,  his  acceptance  of  a  novel  fee,  350. 

O'Conor,  Charles,  description  of  his  person,  230 ;  a  skilled  and  consummate 

pleader,  ib. ;  powers  as  a  dialectician,  232  ;  his  effective  eloquence,  ib. ; 

lacking  in  ambition,  ib. ;  his  generosity,  ib. ;  witticism  on  Daniel  Lord,  Jr., 

233. 
O'Gorman,  Richard,  his  opinion  of  a  very  indifferent  judge,  166. 

Page,  Sir  Francis,  his  hanging  propensities,  87 ;  Pope's  lines  on,  88. 

Palmerston,  Lord,  his  death-bed  jest,  65. 

Parker,  Dr.  Willard,  his  opinion  of  a  poor  lawyer,  166. 

Parsons,  Judge,  sublime  thought  of,  160. 

Parsons,  -. — ,  of  Illinois,  sharp  reply  to  an  offensive  judge,  322. 

Pearce,  Judge,  of  Ohio,  his  sarcastic  reply  to  an  imaginative  lawyer,  146. 

Peters,  Judge,  of  Connecticut,  his  uncompromising  opposition  to  the  famous 
Hartford  Convention,  241 ;  threat  to  hang  Sherman  and  Goddard,  its  lead- 
ers, against  law  and  evidence,  ib. ;  amusing  proof  of  his  inconsistency  as  a 
Universalist,  ib. 

Pitt,  William,  admitted  by  Lord  Thurlow  to  have  outwitted  him,  38. 

Polk,  William  H.,  his  nonchalance  and  good-humor,  190. 

Powis,  Sir  Lyttleton,  his  peculiarities  burlesqued  by  Philip  Yorke,  92. 

Prentiss,  Sargent  S.,  opinions  of  Webster  and  Marshall  of,  201 ;  his  con- 
versational powers,  202  ;  a  profound  student,  203  ;  his  wonderful  memory, 
ib. ;  his  experiences  as  a  duelist,  ib. ;  comical  reply  to  a  challenge,  ib. ; 
his  duel  with  Henry  S.  Foote,  204  ;  commences  Southern  life  as  a  peda- 
gogue, 205  ;  his  compliment  to  Henry  Clay,  206 ;  his  famous  speech  in  a 
menagerie,  207 ;  his  opinion  of  Cincinnati,  208 ;  his  version  of  the  doctrine 
of  metempsychosis,  209  ;  thankful  for  being  born  in  an  age  of  gunpowder, 
ib. ;  his  sleight  of  hand  performance  with  Champagne  bottles,  210;  his 
speech  in  prosecution  of  a  bedbug,  211 ;  a  model  "  Western  lawyer,"  271. 

Randolph,  John,  his  interview  with  Henry  Grattan,  75  ;  his  discomfiture  by 

a  woman,  148  ;  sarcasm  on  a  fop,  149  ;  his  insolence  well  rebuked,  150. 
Rice,  Samuel  F.,  his  happy  retort  upon  Henry  W.  Hilliard,  200. 
Riker,  Richard,  amusing  instance  of  his  misplaced  sympathy,  337. 
Robertson,  Lord,  his  encounter  of  wit  with  Curran,  77. 
Rose,  George,  his  lines  on  Lord  Eldon's  indecisiveness,  44. 
Root,  General,  of  Ohio,  his  witty  encounter  with  Samuel  Sherwood,  233. 
Rutledge,  John,  second  chief  justice  of  the  United  States,  sketch  of  his  career, 


INDEX.  363 


115;  his  famous  order  to  Moultrie  not  to  abandon  Fort  Moultrie,  116; 
objections  to  the  Constitution  of  South  Carolina  as  too  democratic,  ib.  -,  his 
final  rejection  by  the  Senate,  ib. 

Scott,  John.     See  Lord  Eldon. 

Scott,  Winfield,  early  practice  at  the  Richmond  bar,  145  ;  interview  with 
Aaron  Burr,  ib. 

Seal  of  England,  the  Great,  what  it  is,  15  ;  circumstances  under  which  two 
were  kept  by  English  monarchs,  ib. ;  the  rival  seals  of  the  Commonwealth 
and  Charles  L,  ib. ;  seal  of  William  the  Conqueror,  16  ;  the  destruction  of 
required  when  discarded  by  a  monarch,  17 ;  when  broken,  the  perquisite 
of  the  chancellor,  ib. ;  its  adventures  when  on  its  travels,  18  ;  lost  in  the 
Mediterranean,  ib. ;  seal  of  Charles  II.  lost  in  the  Severn  River,  ib. ;  seal 
of  James  II.  sunk  in  the  Thames  and  recovered,  ib. ;  seal  of  the  Common- 
wealth, 19 ;  accident  to  the  seal  of  George  III.,  20  ;  seal  of  William  and 
Mary,  21 ;  seal  of  King  John  sold  to  Walter  de  Lacy,  22. 

Sewall,  Judge,  of  Massachusetts,  his  integrity,  140  ;  incident  illustrating  it, 
141. 

Shaftesbury,  Earl  of.     See  A.  A.  Cooper. 

Shaw,  Chief  Justice,  of  Massachusetts,  his  retort  upon  Rufus  Choate,  135. 

Sheridan,  Richard  Brinsley,  his  most  brilliant  mots,  84 ;  witty  reply  to  an 
importunate  lady,  86  ;  remark  on  an  exaggerated  statement,  87  ;  cutting 
rebuke  to  a  noisy  member  of  the  House  of  Commons,  ib. 

Sherman,  Roger  Minor,  his  prominence  in  the  famous  Hartford  Convention, 
241 ;  Judge  Peters's  threat  to  hang  him  against  law  and  evidence,  ib. ; 
witty  remark  to  Judge  Peters  on  his  sentencing  a  criminal  to  punishment 
after  death,  ib. 

Sherwood,  Samuel,  crushing  witticism  on  him  by  General  Root,  233. 

Simon  the  Norman,  an  honest  chancellor,  28. 

Sinclair,  Sir  John,  rebuffed  by  Lord  Erskine,  54. 

Smith,  Joseph,  the  Prophet,  witticism  of  one  of  his  counsel  on,  151. 

Smith,  Thomas  Fannin,  his  witty  escape  from  a  fine,  185. 

Somers,  Lord  Chancellor,  impeached,  23. 

Southgate,  W.  W.,  of  Kentucky,  illustration  of  his  electioneering  tactics,  300. 

Stephens,  Alexander  H.,  witty  retort  upon  a  political  opponent,  248. 

Stone, ,  apt  retort  on  a  medical  opponent,  230. 

Story,  Joseph,  graceful  compliment  to  Edward  Everett,  139  ;  equally  grace- 
ful reply  of  Everett  complimentary  to,  ib. ;  epigram  by  A.  Oakey  Hall  on, 
218. 

Stowell,  Lord,  witticism  on  his  brother's  bad  gunnery,  49. 

Talbot,  Lord,  his  compliment  to  Lord  Mansfield,  67. 

Talfourd,  Thomas  Noon,  his  kindness  to  an  embarrassed  barrister,  63. 

Taney,  Roger  Brooke,  sixth  chief  justice  of  the  United  States,  sketch  of  his 
career,  125;  his  infamous  sentiment  regarding  the  rights  of  negroes,  126. 

Tappan,  Benjamin,  of  Ohio,  discomfited  by  a  countryman,  340. 

Thacker,  Judge,  his  opinion  of  the  goose  as  a  national  bird,  290  ;  his  reasons 
for  refusing  a  challenge,  291. 

Thurlow,  Lord,  a  disgrace  to  the  English  ermine,  37  ;  his  profanity  and 
rudeness,  ib. ;  "Liberty"  Wilkes's  severe  reflections  on,  ib. ;  a  thorough 
partisan,  38 ;  his  selfish  advice  to  his  friend  Lord  Eldon,  ib. ;  famous  reply 
to  the  Duke  of  Graf  ton,  39  ;  the  "tyrant  of  the  House  of  Lords,"  40  ;  re- 
ply to  his  tutor,  41 ;  wit  in  procuring  a  horse,  ib. ;  his  good  sense  and 
judgment  in  dispensing  his  ecclesiastical  patronage,  46 ;  a  model  "Western 
lawyer,"  271. 


364  INDEX. 


Tibbatts,  John  W.,  illustration  of  his  electioneering  tactics,  300. 
Tooke,  Home,  his  witty  remark  on  Lord  Eldon's  dissimulation,  44. 
Trippe,  Robert,  ridiculed  by  Alexander  H.  Stephens,  248. 

Underwood,  William  H.,  his  contempt  for  fops,  226;  odd  recommendation 
of  his  son  for  office,  227 ;  changes  his  hair,  but  not  his  politics,  228 ;  his 
aversion  to  Marietta,  Georgia,  ib.  ,•  death  at  that  place,  229. 

Vallandigham,  Clement  L.,  anecdote  of,  196. 

Van  Buren,  John,  his  infinite  jest,  161 ;  talents  and  information,  162 ;  his 
oratorical  efforts,  ib. ;  takes  a  fee  from  the  greatest  scoundrel  on  earth, 
163  ;  his  advice  to  his  fellow  Democrats  to  "vote  early  and  often,"  ib. ; 
his  wager  with  Lawrence  Jerome,  ib. 

Vandevoort,  Henry,  his  adventure  with  a  man  who  did  not  want  a  trial,  338. 

Verplanck,  Judge,  of  Buffalo,  his  efforts  at  drawing  out  a  witness,  239. 

Wade,  Benjamin  F.,  how  he  prompted  Joshua  Giddings,  173. 

Warren,  Samuel,  his  adroit  exposure  of  a  false  witness,  97. 

Webster,  Daniel,  his  famous  speech  in  the  Wheeling  Bridge  case,  171;  how 
he  ground  Robert  Y.  Hayne  finer  than  snuff,  172  ;  his  comical  speech  at 
Rochester,  ib. 

Wescott, ,  happy  retort  on  an  ignorant  judge,  297. 

Westbury,  Lord  Chancellor,  compelled  to  resign,  24. 

Whiting, ,  his  famous  prosecution  of  Colt  for  the  murder  of  Adams,  2 1 5. 

Whitney, ,  his  effective  "use  of  an  impromptu  verse,  261. 

Whittemore,  Dr.,  happy  retort  upon  B.  F.  Hallett,  184. 

Wickham,  William  de,  his  happy  translation  of  an  offensive  motto,  33. 

Wilkes,  "Liberty,"  his  severe  witticism  on  Thurlow's  dissimulation,  37. 

Will,  a  poetical,  328. 

William  and  Mary,  seal  of,  20. 

Williams,  Bishop,  the  only  Protestant  divine  who  ever  held  the  great  seal  of 
England,  23 ;  accustomed  to  pray  for  legal  knowledge,  55 ;  his  wise  and 
witty  reply  to  a  lawyer  who  thought  to  expose  his  legal  ignorance,  56 ;  his 
honesty,  94 ;  remark  on  the  habit  of  taking  fees  leading  to  the  acceptance 
of  bribes,  ib. ;  his  calumny  on  the  legal  profession  refuted  by  his  own  con- 
duct, ib. 

Williams,  Elisha,  his  mellifluous  voice,  159 ;  great  power  over  a  jury,  ib. ; 
his  eloquence  met  by  ridicule,  160. 

Williamson,  Judge  William,  called'"  Long-legged  Willie,"  280  ;  instances  of 
his  thorough  knowledge  of  "  Texas  law,"  ib. 

Wirt,  William,  retort  by  Daniel  Webster  upon,  153 ;  beautiful  impromptu  by, 
154. 

Wolsey,  Cardinal,  the  last  bishop  appointed  lord  chancellor,  23. 

Woodward,  A.B.,  his  eccentric  and  dirty  habits,  184. 

Wright,  Ranee,  ridiculed  by  Alexander  H.  Stephens,  248. 

Wriothesley,  Lord,  his  incompetency,  55. 

Yorke,  Charles,  remarkable  countenance  shown  him  at  Cambridge  Univers- 
ity, 94. 
Yorke,  Philip,  his  "Coke  done  into  verse,"  92. 


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Usage;  Prolegomena;  and  a  Critical  and  Exegetical  Commentary.  For  the  Use  of 
Theological  Students  and  Ministers.  By  HENRY  ALFORD,  D.D.,  Dean  of  Canterbury. 
Vol.  I.,  containing  the  Four  Gospels.  944  pages,  Svo,  Cloth,  $0  00 ;  Sheep,  $6  50 ;  Half 
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ALISON'S  HISTORY  OF  EUROPE.  FIRST  SERIES:  From  the  Commencement  of  the 
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to  the  Notes  on  Chapter  LXXVL,  which  correct  the  errors  of  the  original  work  con- 
cerning the  United  States,  a  copious  Analytical  Index  has  been  appended  to  this 
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cession of  Louis  Napoleon,  inJ1852.  8  vols.,  Svo,  Cloth,  $16  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $34  00. 

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II.B.M.'s  Government,  in  the  Years  1S49-1S55.  By  HENRY  EARTH,  Ph.D.,  D.C.L.  Il- 
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BEECHER'S  AUTOBIOGRAPHY,  &c.  Autobiography,  Correspondence,  &c.,  of  Ly- 
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CHALMERS'S  POSTHUMOUS  WORKS.    The  Posthumous  Works  of  Dr.  Chalmers. 

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CLAYTON'S  QUEENS  OF  SONG.  Queens  of  Song:  Being  Memoirs  of  some  of  the 
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CURTIS'S  HISTORY  OF  THE  CONSTITUTION.    History  of  the  Origin,  Formation, 
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DAVIS'S  CARTHAGE.  Carthage  and  her  Remains :  Being  an  Account  of  the  Excava- 
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jacent Places.  Conducted  under  the  Auspices  of  Her  Majesty's  Government.  By  Dr. 
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8vo,  Cloth,  $4  00. 

DOOLITTLE'S  CHINA.  Social  Life  of  the  Chinese:  With  some  Account  of  their  Re- 
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DRAPER'S  INTELLECTUAL  DEVELOPMENT  OF  EUROPE.    A  History  of  the  In- 
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GIBBON'S  ROME.    History  of  the  Decline  and  Fall  of  the  Roman  Empire.    By  ED- 
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GROTE'S  HISTORY  OF  GREECE.    12  vols.,  12mo,  Cloth,  $18  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $39  00. 
MRS.  HALETS  WOMAN'S  RECORD.    Woman's  Record ;  or,  Biographical  Sketches  of 
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Eras,  with  Selections  from  Female  Writers  of  each  Era.     By  Mrs.  SARAU  JOSEPIIA 
HALE.    Illustrated  with  more  than  200  Portraits,    8vo,  Cloth,  $5  00. 
HALL'S  ARCTIC  RESEARCHES.    Arctic  Researches  and  Life  Among  the  Esquimaux : 
Being  the  Narrative  of  an  Expedition  in  Search  of  Sir  John  Franklin,  in  the  Years 
I860,  1861,  and  1862.    By  CHABLES  FBANCIS  HALL.     With  Maps  and  100  Illustrations. 
The  Illustrations  are  from  Original  Drawings  by  Charles  Parsons,  Henry  L.  Stephens, 
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Hall.    A  new  Edition.    Svo,  Cloth,  Beveled  Edges,  $5  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $7  25. 
HALLAM'S  CONSTITUTIONAL  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND,  from  the  Accession  of 

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HALLAM'S  LITERATURE.    Introduction  to  the  Literature  of  Europe  during  the  Fif- 
teenth, Sixteenth,  and  Seventeenth  Centuries.     By  HENBV  HALLAJI.     2  vols.,  Svo, 
Cloth,  $4  00. 
HALLAM'S  MIDDLE  AGES.    State  of  Europe  during  the  Middle  Ages.    By  HESBY 

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HARPER'S  NEW  CLASSICAL  LIBRARY.    Literal  Translations. 
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CyESAB. 

VIRGIL. 

SALLUST. 

HOBAOE. 

CICEBO'S  ORATIONS. 

CICEBO'S  OFFICES,  &C. 

CICEBO  ON  OBATOBY  AND  ORATORS. 

TACITUS.    2  vols. 

TEBENCE. 


JUVENAL. 

XENOPHON. 
HOMEB'S  ILIAD. 
HOMEB'S  ODYSSEY. 
HEBODOTUS. 

DKMOSTHENES. 
THBCYDIDES. 
./ESCUYLUS. 
EURIPIDES.    2  vols. 


HARPER'S  PICTORIAL  HISTORY  OF  THE  REBELLION.  Harper's  Pictorial  His- 
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Harper  6°  Brothers'  Valuable  Standard  Works.  3 

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From  the  Adoption  of  the  Federal  Constitution  to  the  End  of  the  Sixteenth  Congress. 
C  vols.,  Svo,  Cloth,  $18  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $31  50. 

HUME'S  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND.  History  of  England,  from  the  Invasion  of  Julius 
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the  Author's  last  Corrections  and  Improvements.  To  which  is  prefixed  a  short  Ac- 
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JAY'S  WORKS.  Complete  Works  of  Rev.  William  Jay :  comprising  his  Sermons,  Fam- 
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Prayers,  &c.  Author's  enlarged  Edition,  revised.  3  vols.,  Svo,  Cloth,  $6  00;  Half 
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KINGLAKE'S  CRIMEAN  WAR.  The  Invasion  of  the  Crimea:  Its  Origin,  and  an  Ac- 
count of  its  Progress  down  to  the  Death  of  Lord  Raglan.  By  ALEXANDER  WILLIAM 
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LAMB'S  COMPLETE  WORKS.  The  Works  of  Charles  Lamb.  Comprising  his  Let- 
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his  Life,  with  the  Final  Memorials,  by  T.  NOON  TALFOURD.  Portrait.  2  vols.,  12mo, 
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DR.  LIVINGSTONE'S  SOUTH  AFRICA.  Missionary  Travels  and  Researches  in  South 
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a  Journey  from  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope  to  Loando  on  the  West  Coast ;  thence  across 
the  Continent,  down  the  River  Zambesi,  to  the  Eastern  Ocean.  By  DAVID  LIVING- 
STONE, LL.D.,  D.C.L.  With  Portrait,  Maps  by  Arrowsmith,  and  numerous  Illustra- 
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LIVINGSTONE'S  ZAMBESI.  Narrative  of  an  Expedition  to  the  Zambesi  and  its 
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LOSSING'S  FIELD-BOOK  OF  THE  REVOLUTION.  Pictorial  Field-Book  of  the  Rev- 
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MACAULAY'S  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND.  The  History  of  England  from  the  Acces- 
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MARCY'S  ARMY  LIFE  ON  THE  BORDER.  Thirty  Years  of  Army  Life  on  the  Bor- 
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the  Habits  of  Different  Animals  found  in  the  West,  and  the  Methods  of  Hunting  them ; 
with  Incidents  in  the  Life  of  Different  Frontier  Men,  &c.,  &c.  By  Brevet  Brig. -Gen- 
eral R.  B.  MAKOT,  U.S.A.,  Author  of  "The  Prairie  Traveller."  With  numerous  Illus- 
trations. Svo,  Cloth,  Beveled  Edges,  $3  00. 

BANCROFT'S  MISCELLANIES.  Literary  and  Historical  Miscellanies.  By  GEORGE 
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BOSWELL'S  JOHNSON.  The  Life  of  Samuel  Johnson,  LL.D.  Including  a  Journey  to 
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and  Notes,  by  JOHN  WILSON  CHOKER,  LL.D.,  F.R.S.  Portrait  of  Boswell.  2  vols.,  Svo, 
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DR.  OLIN'S  LIFE  AND  LETTERS.    2  vols.,  12mo,  Cloth,  $3  00. 

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DR.  OLIN'S  WORKS.  The  Works  of  Stephen  Olin,  D.D.,  late  President  of  the  Wes- 
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LAURENCE  OLIPHANT'S  CHINA  AND  JAPAN.  Narrative  of  the  Earl  of  Elgin's 
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MRS.  OLIPHANT'S  LIFE  OF  EDWARD  IRVING.  The  Life  of  Edward  Irving,  Min- 
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spondence. By  Mrs.  OLIPUANT.  Portrait.  Svo,  Cloth,  $3  50. 

PAGE'S  LA  PLATA.  La  Plata :  The  Argentine  Confederation  and  Paraguay.  Being 
a  Narrative  of  the  Exploration  of  the  Tributaries  of  the  River  La  Plata  and  Adjacent 
Countries,  during  the  Years  1853,  '54,  '55,  and  '56,  under  the  orders  of  the  United  States 
Government.  By  THOMAS  J.  PAGE,  U.S.N.,  Commander  of  the  Expedition.  With  Map 
and  numerous  Engravings.  Svo,  Cloth,  $5  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $7  25. 

SHAKSPEARE.  The  Dramatic  Works  of  William  Shakspeare,  with  the  Corrections 
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THE  POETS  OF  THE  NINETEENTH  CENTURY.  Selected  and  Edited  by  the  Rev. 
ROBERT  ARIS  WILLMOTT.  With  English  and  American  Additions,  arranged  by  EVEBT 
A.  DUYCKINCK,  Editor  of  "Cyclopaedia  of  American  Literature."  Comprising  Selec- 
tions from  the  greatest  Authors  of  the  Age.  Superbly  Illustrated  with  132  Engrav- 
ings from  Designs  by  the  most  Eminent  Artists.  In  elegant  Small  4to  form,  printed 
on  Superfine  Tinted  Paper,  richly  bound  in  extra  Cloth  beveled,  gilt  edges,  $6  00; 
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PRIME'S  COINS,  MEDALS,  AND  SEALS.  Coins,  Medals,  and  Seals,  Ancient  and 
Modern.  Illustrated  and  Described.  With  a  Sketch  of  the  History  of  Coins  and  Coin- 
age, Instructions  for  Young  Collectors,  Tables  of  Comparative  Rarity,  Price-Lists  of 
English  and  American  Coins,  Medals,  and  Tokens,  &c.,  &c.  Edited  by  W.  C.  PRIME, 
Author  of  "Boat  Life  in.  Egypt  and  Nubia,"  "Tent  Life  in  the  Holy  Land,"  &c.,  &c. 
8vo,  Cloth,  $3  60. 

RUSSELL'S  MODERN  EUROPE.  History  of  Modern  Europe,  with  a  View  of  the  Pro- 
gress of  Society,  from  the  Rise  of  Modern  Kingdoms  to  the  Peace  of  Paris  in  1763.  By 
W.  RUSSELL.  With  a  Continuance  of  the  History,  by  WM.  JONES.  Engravings.  3 
vols.,  8vo,  Cloth,  $6  00. 

SPEKE'S  AFRICA.  Journal  of  the  Discovery  of  the  Source  of  the  Nile.  By  Captain 
JOUN  HANKING  SPEKE,  C_aptain  H.  M.  Indian  Army,  Fellow  and  Gold  Medalist  of  the 
Royal  Geographical  Society,  Hon.  Corresponding  Member  and  Gold  Medalist  of  the 
French  Geographical  Society,  &c.  With  Maps  and  Portraits  and  numerous  Illustra- 
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SPRING'S  SERMONS.  Pulpit  Ministrations ;  or,  Sabbath  Readings.  A  Series  of  Dis- 
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the  Brick  Presbyterian  Church  in  the  City  of  New  York.  Portrait  on  Steel.  2  vols., 
8vo,  Cloth,  $C  00. 

MISS  STRICKLAND'S  QUEENS  OF  SCOTLAND.  Lives  of  the  Queens  of  Scotland 
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AQNES  STRICKLAND.  8  vols.  12mo,  Cloth,  $12  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $26  00. 

WILKINSON'S  ANCIENT  EGYPTIANS.  A  Popular  Account  of  their  Manners  and 
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600  Woodcuts.  2  vols.,  12mo,  Cloth,  $3  50  ;  Half  Calf,  $7  00. 

ADDISON'S  COMPLETE  WORKS.  The  Works  of  Joseph  Addison,  embracing  the 
whole  of  the  "  Spectator."  Complete  in  3  vols.,  8vo,  Cloth,  $6  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $12  75. 

TICKNOR'S  HISTORY  OF  SPANISH  LITERATURE.  With  Criticisms  on  the  partic- 
ular Works,  and  Biographical  Notices  of  prominent  Writers.  3  vols.,  Svo,  Cloth,  $5  00. 

THE  STUDENT'S  HISTORIES. 
France.    Engravings.    12mo,  Cloth,  $2  00. 
Gibbon.    Engravings.    12mo,  Cloth,  $2  00. 
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Hume.    Engravings.    12mo,  Cloth,  $2  00. 
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THOMSON'S  LAND  AND  THE  BOOK  ;  or,  Biblical  Illustrations  drawn  from  the  Man- 
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With  two  elaborate  Maps  of  Palestine,  an  accurate  Plan  of  Jerusalem,  and  several  Hun- 
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VAMBERY'S  CENTRAL  ASIA.  Travels  in  Central  Asia.  Being  the  Account  of  a 
Journey  from  Teheran  across  the  Turkoman  Desert,  on  the  Eastern  Shore  of  the  Cas- 
pian, to  Khiva,  Bokhara,  and  Samarcand,  performed  in  the  Year  1863.  By  ARMINICS 
VAMBERY,  Member  of  the  Hungarian  Academy  of  Pesth,  by  whom  he  was  sent  on  this 
Scientific  Mission.  With  Map  and  Woodcuts.  8vo,  Cloth,  $4  50 ;  Half  Calf,  $6  <5. 

ABBOTT'S  HISTORY  OF  THE  FRENCH  REVOLUTION.  The  French  Revolution 
of  1789,  as  viewed  in  the  Light  of  Republican  Institutions.  By  JOHN  S.  C.  ABBOTT. 
With  100  Engravings.  Svo,  Cloth,  $5  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $7  25. 

ABBOTT'S  NAPOLEON  BONAPARTE.  The  History  of  Napoleon  Bonaparte.  By 
JOHN  S.  C.  ABBOTT.  With  Maps,  Woodcuts,  and  Portraits  on  Steel.  2  vols.,  Svo, 
Cloth,  $10  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $14  50. 

ABBOTT'S  NAPOLEON  AT  ST.  HELENA;  or,  Interesting  Anecdotes  and  Remark- 
able Conversations  of  the  Emperor  during  the  Five  and  a  Half  Years  of  his  Captivity. 
Collected  from  the  Memorials  of  Las  Casas,  O'Meara,  Montholon,  Antommarchi,  and 
others  By  JOUN  S.  C.  ABBOTT.  With  Illustrations.  Svo,  Cloth,  $5  00 ;  Half  Calf,  $7  25. 


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